Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/3/2014 (914 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
If you're a music-industry professional, somewhat recognizable Canadian musician or a travelling consort of either one, you may find yourself in Winnipeg this weekend.
Congratulations. Thanks to the Juno Awards, you have the opportunity to immerse yourself in the culture of a city unlike any other in Canada.
This is no idle boast. It is, in fact, a humblebrag. Winnipeg is not just a flat, cold, windy city built in the middle of a flood plain.
It's a quirky, flat, cold, windy city built in the middle of a flood plain -- and it's extremely proud of its subtle weirdness.
To fully appreciate the meteorological wonders of Winnipeg, come back in January. In the meantime, here's what you need to know about this city if you wish to get the most out of the next few days -- whether you're visiting or have lived here all your life:
1. The mayor is not on crack
Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz is a teetotaller. If you're from Toronto, you may be unaccustomed to spending a weekend in a city without daily coverage of the antics of an intoxicated elected official.
But according to the most recent poll, Winnipeg's mayor enjoys the support of a mere 12 per cent of voters, which makes him far less popular than Rob Ford is in Toronto.
You may conclude Winnipeggers are more engaged in municipal politics. This would be incorrect: We're simply way less forgiving than the gentle folk of southern Ontario.
2. Violence is part of our heritage
UNLIKE every other province in Canada, Manitoba was created out of an act of violence: the Red River Resistance of 1869-70. We celebrate this every February, during a holiday called Louis Riel Day.
Winnipeg's first mayor, Francis Evans Cornish, was a violent, drunk racist. Cornish made Frank Underwood look like Naheed Nenshi. So we named a library, a street and a game hen after him.
Then in 1919, Winnipeg was the site of the largest workers' uprising in North America north of the Mexico-U.S. border. The General Strike resulted in one death and the toppling of a streetcar. Your limousine should be safe, however.
3. Kubasa may arrive with breakfast
Winnipeg has a large and robust Ukrainian community. The much smaller Russian community has been oddly quiet during recent weeks.
Assuming you wake before noon, you may encounter perogies and garlic sausage on your breakfast menu. Do not be afraid.
When offered a choice of perogies, choose boiled or pan-fried but never deep-fried. When offered a choice of bread, choose rye. The same goes for your choice of beverage.
A Slavic diet will provide all the calories you require to withstand the sub-Arctic environment, should you dare to venture outside.
4. You may not be able to go outside
This is not a positive. Downtown Winnipeg features a maze-like series of overhead and subterranean passages known as the "weather-protected walkway system."
This system was created in the 1970s by demonic city officials who hated the idea of pedestrian activity and all the life human beings are capable of bringing to the streetscape.
Once inside the walkway system, you will begin to develop an aversion to fresh air, not to mention an insatiable craving for food-court sushi.
Should you manage to resist the siren call of the walkways, please be aware you cannot cross at Portage and Main on foot.
If you are staying at the Fairmont and wish to visit the MTS Centre without shuffling underground, an option is to take a one-hour flight south to Minneapolis and drive eight hours north. Travel agents are standing by.
5. Please do not fish or bathe in the potholes
On your way to and from Richardson International Airport, completed in 2011 at a cost of $672 million, you may encounter one or 37,000 potholes.
If you find yourself within a pothole, do not panic. You are safe inside your vehicle. Attempting to climb out of your pothole is not advised, unless you have experience using rope. If mobile phone service is not be available at the bottom of your pothole, the combustion of a flammable material may be used to create an effective smoke signal.
Creating such signals in your hotel room, however, is not advised. Manitoba's No. 3 cash crop may only be consumed outdoors or in the presence of the mayor of Toronto.
6. Do not diss the city
In case you haven't gathered by now, Winnipeggers can make fun of themselves. Winnipeggers love making fun of themselves. The official city motto is Unum Cum Sui Deprecandum, or "One with a penchant for self-deprecation."
But if YOU make fun of Winnipeg, the locals will turn on you faster than a national TV audience abandons an awards show during a commercial break.
We will defend our weird little city with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. Unless you buy us a drink. Then we're cool.