Your boyfriend deserves the truth about your girlfriend

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I love my boyfriend, but I love my new girlfriend even more. She knows about him, but he doesn't know about her. She and I are always together and he knows we have sleepovers but he has NO idea what happens when we do. I feel guilty, but I'm not sure if it's necessary to tell him. He thinks girl-on-girl porn movies are a turn-on, so maybe this would not a threat. I am "in love" with her and I "love" him because we have been together all through university and he and I are like comfortable old boots. She's is the spiked heel in my life, if you'll pardon a lame metaphor. She thinks I should tell him, but I'm not sure it's necessary. Why not leave things the way they are? -- Happy This Way, S. Winnipeg

Dear Happy: Why should you change anything when you've got it all? This situation is all about you, the way you're seeing it right now. But what does your man really have? He doesn't have your heart or your loyalty anymore. The girl-on-girl thing is fine in a fantasy for him, but you and she are involved in a two-way love affair -- nothing like what he imagines. In fact, he'd have no idea how unwanted he would be if he burst into the bedroom with three glasses of champagne, wearing nothing but a big grin. After all these years with him, he really deserves to be told the truth. It comes down to this -- you are full-out cheating on him, whether it's with a male or female. He's just a friend to you now, and you might still mean the whole world to him. It's time to let him go, so he can be free to find a woman who's "in love" with him. And what about the girlfriend you claim to be "in love" with? No doubt she needs to have you to herself by now. Or would that be too much of a sacrifice to you? Thought so.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I took my husband's clothes out and burned them in a big barrel in the backyard. We live in the country on the edge of a town and nobody complains about such things. Why? I'm so ashamed of how he treated me! That jerk came home from his supposed work-related trip with a tan and a bunch of rehearsed lies about how his boss took him on a last-minute detour trip on business in Mexico City. But I heard from people who had seen him at an airport in the United States that he was heading to the Caribbean with a woman, who was all over him. He says he's "awful sorry." Miss Lonelyhearts, I want to make him pay for a long, long time! I'm 28 and we've been married three years, no kids, and I have a whole lifetime left to torture him. Any suggestions? -- Gut is Full of Fire, Outside Winnipeg

Dear Gutful: You want to make him pay, but you don't want to make him leave? Bad idea! Granted, love doesn't just disappear in a week, but it does drain away after a betrayal like this, and it's very painful as the acid drips out. You're at the anger stage and he's bleating away that he's sorry -- which makes you feel stronger for a bit. But, a very deep hurt is about to set in. Involving yourself in a lifetime of revenge designed to make him grovel will only make an emotional wreck out of you -- and he would leave shortly anyway. You have no trust left now, and your whole life is about to be tied up with suspicions, anger and bitterness. You have no children and you're only 28. Marriage is clearly not what this guy wants. Why would you stay? See a counsellor for a few months to work out your raging emotions, cut him loose, and get yourself emotionally healthy again so one day you can find a love partner you can really trust.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm really shocked to find out my girlfriend of 1.5 years has a shady past. Although it was a long time ago, she went to jail for embezzling big time. I am already hooked on her emotionally and sexually and she didn't reveal this to me. Someone else had to tell me. I contacted her immediately, and then she told me her story. I had been wondering why she was averse to travel, and now she tells me she's afraid of being turned back at borders, because of her past. When I asked her why she did it, she said she was angry at the company that used and abused her and paid her next to nothing for all her extra work she did for them. When I asked her why she didn't look for a better-paying job and quit, she just shrugged and said. "I was young and stupid, and thought I had turned it into a better-paying job." Then she said, very seriously, "I learned my lesson." She swears she has never been in trouble since. Still, I worry. I have a lot of money and her last boyfriend had a lot of money. Is this a theme in her life? Go where the money is? She likes nice things and she has an apartment with furniture that would knock your eyes out. Her job doesn't lend itself to that kind of money. I wonder if her previous boyfriend paid for it, and in my darkest thoughts, I wonder if she was a kept woman, or worse. Am I over-reacting? If I ask her "Where did you get the furniture on your salary?" she will think I am pointing the finger. Maybe she worked hard for it and got it legitimately, but she lies by omission, so how would I ever know? Should I stay or go? -- Downtown Accountant, Winnipeg

Dear Downtown: As an accountant, you would be more sensitive to this kind of crime and suffer more if anything happened in your personal life to connect you to financial dishonesty. Clearly, this is not the right girlfriend for you. Doubt has crept in about everything else she has told or not told you. No one can blame you for not knowing. This is not something you would ever think to ask about. When people get to a certain age, they all have a past and baggage, and some of it they may not be proud of. But, this kind of past is simply the type you can't afford to have as part of your life, or your career and your own money and property could be in jeopardy.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 12, 2013 G5