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Your fling in the surf doesn't translate to turf

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went on a trip to Cuba in the off-season and met "a businessman in the sales game" from a different country on the beach. He spoke perfect English -- sounded kind of American. We spent every day and many evenings together. He has gone back to Europe now and I am sick to my stomach missing him. I wrote him to invite him to come visit me in Canada, but he said he doesn't have any money left after that big trip. Should I send him a ticket or surprise him with a visit to his city? -- Anxious Lady, Winnipeg

Dear Anxious: You may get a bigger surprise than he does if you show up at his door in Europe -- or more likely the U.S. You have no certainty he's actually single or that he lives where he says he does. Did you see him off at the plane? A smooth operator could have told you anything. Perhaps he has a girlfriend back home, or even a wife and kids. If he was interested in you he would be pursuing you now; if not, that means he had a lovely vacation, thank you every much, and now it's over. If a guy -- especially one in business who does sales -- is interested in seeing anyone, he is quite at home with picking up the phone or shooting off an email. You have already let him know he's welcome to visit and his answer was an excuse, not an ardent letter in return.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have this to say to Lucky or Not, the teen whose boyfriend bent her arm until she screamed when she didn't want to have sex with him. If Lucky takes your advice to break up with him fast, she should be prepared for the possibility that His Ugliness will turn manipulative, threatening or violent. Guys this entitled don't generally go quietly and tend to take break-ups as an affront to their masculinity.

If she breaks up with him face-to-face, she should do it in a public place, take along someone to support her and have a get-away plan in place. She should also be prepared to take all necessary steps to block him from having contact with her. It isn't her fault he's angry and there isn't anything she can do to make him stop being angry except give him what he wants -- and that will only keep him happy until he gets angry about something else. He won't change for her, nor will her love "cure" him. -- Know His Type, Winnipeg

Dear Know His Type: "Ugly on the inside" is not a concept she gets. We can only hope she breaks up with him, though it sounded like she wanted to try to change him instead. Why? She doesn't think she's attractive and has never dated anyone as good-looking before. It is hard to look past the skin when you are young (she's 16) and that skill doesn't always come with maturity either. Let's hope she gets away from him before he breaks her spirit, as well as abusing her body. She has no idea how abusive he could get in future. Counselling to raise her self-esteem would help her to stop needing the status of a handsome guy at her side and she appears to be asking for an outside opinion. Good for her.

 

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition September 3, 2013 C4

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