DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: As a man with a lot of body hair, a bald head, a full beard and earring, I look like a pirate. I thought my girlfriend did love my look, but last weekend she asked me to shave my body: chest hair, back hair, pubic hair and leg hair. I said no, and she said, "Fine." Guys all know what fine means -- NOT fine. I felt myself getting really mad. I asked her if she would grow all her previously removed body hair back for me: armpits, pubic hair, eyebrows, leg hair and mustache! She hit the roof. I said, "What is the difference? Both of us are asking to control the other's body hair because we don't like their natural look." The fight went south from there. She called me "sasquatch" as she walked away. Now we're not talking. Is there any hope for us left? -- Missing Her, Winnipeg
Dear Missing: It's really sad when lovers criticize the very body they are hoping will embrace them with love and desire. How do you get back from this? If your girlfriend was only asking for a male pubic shave -- very common these days -- you might feel it's negotiable as a sexual turn-on. But, asking you to use hair remover on your entire body is more of an insult. Is she asking because she's curious, or because she really doesn't like you the way you look? If she doesn't like your body look, consider moving on because there are lots of women who get turned on by the hirsute man. Wouldn't it be better to live your life with a woman who finds it masculine and exciting than to make excuses for the fine body you have? Why shave yourself head to foot because she finds it repulsive when another woman would be turned on by your pirate look?
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Why does my heart ache so much? This guy broke up with me and I didn't even love him. He gave no reason except he'd "lost interest" and now he's seeing the very good "friend" of mine who listened so sympathetically to the private problems I had with him. For instance, he's not as smart as I am and not as good-looking as I'm used to. I think I want him back now. In fact, I know I do. Am I completely crazy? What is happening? -- Don't Get It, Age 17
Dear Don't Get It: You overdid the praise in the beginning, and your friend became interested. When you started slagging the guy, she saw an opportunity to grab him. She probably leaked a few of your criticisms, and then told him she disagreed and thought he was totally amazing. Now she has him, and you felt he belonged to you to dispense with when you felt like it. You want to defend your territory -- it has nothing to do with your feelings about him, which were lukewarm at best. Pride is the real reason you are mad about losing him. Back off both of them gracefully, knowing he was not the one for you. She was not a true friend, so you haven't lost anything there either.
Questions or comments? Please email email@example.com or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6