DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm so mad I could break down and cry. I went to work early today, like 7:30 a.m. instead of 8 a.m., and this woman with her big fat butt was sitting on my favourite guy's desk. She knows very well I really like him and want to be his girlfriend, and now she's going after him. I came in early for work and caught her, and she gave me this defiant smile, slipped off the desk (you could hear it squeak) and walked off, wagging her big tail. I just wanted to kick her butt. He was staring at it all right. I stabbed him in the shoulder and said, "Hey! What are YOU looking at?" and he blushed red to the roots of his orange hair. I wish I didn't like him so much. He isn't even good-looking. He's skinny and geeky-looking with uncool glasses and I just want to rip those glasses off and show him how I feel. I still want him so badly I can taste it! This girl and I were best friends, and about a month ago I told her about how great and underrated he was in the office and now she's trying to jump on him. Where did I go wrong? Is it too late to fix this? -- Burning Up, Fort Garry
Dear Burning: You went wrong by selling him to her. You told her how wonderful he was, praising his subtle good points, and she looked at him again and said, "Yup, yup, yup, I agree!" Then she proceeded to go after what you said was tasty. If you had said nothing, she might have thought you were chasing down a nerdball. Your best bet now is to approach this guy boldly and honestly, and say, "You know why so-and so came in early to sit all over your desk? Because I told her I thought you were great and that I liked you and why. She just wants to hurt me." Then don't talk any more and don't ask for any relationship with him. Just walk away, like it's all over before it started. Give him some time to regroup and see what happens the next day. I'm betting he'll choose you, if he was starting to like you, once he realizes what a lousy friend she is.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This girl I used to love from another country found me on Facebook. She is a grown woman now, almost 35, and her biological clock must be ticking. Her marriage just fell apart and now she's messaging me. Why? She didn't want me when we were both 21 and I was so in love with her. I once told her in a note, "The sun and moon rise over your head," and she laughed in my face. How should I reply to her? I'm not a mean guy but I don't believe she's really interested in me. How do I tell her to get lost, nicely? -- Not Falling For This Crap, Winnipeg
Dear Not Falling: You're right to doubt this woman's motives. After a breakup, lots of people flip back through their romantic histories and hit on someone who was once crazy about them and really boosted their ego. You qualify as one of those people. You could write back a little note that says, "I'm sorry, but I have found other moons and stars." She deserves a reminder that dating karma is, for some odd reason, a reality and it has come back to bite her.
Questions or comments? Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6