It's time for another heartwarming instalment of a semi-recurring feature we like to call Weather Forecasting with Celebrities.
Today's highly accurate forecast is being provided by celebrity chocolatier Fred Morden, the proprietor of the famed Mordens' of Winnipeg, 674 Sargent Ave., which we visited this week to shoot our latest entertaining yet informative weather video.
Before we continue, you might want to take a minute to check out the video, which you can find by scanning the Blippar symbol in this column with your smartphone, or by visiting www.winnipegfreepress.com. Now wipe the drool off your face and we'll continue.
After touring the chocolate shop and stuffing our faces with Russian Mints, we asked Fred what the weather would be like this weekend. "Freaking freezing," he snorted. "On the upside, there's a 100 per cent chance of chocolate-covered snowflakes. Ha ha ha!"
When we asked him to suggest a fun sugar-intensive weekend activity, Fred chortled: "Run down to Mordens and indulge." The truly frightening thing is Fred's chocolate-dipped prediction is almost identical to the scientific one issued by Environment Canada.
According to the weather office, we are going to remain clutched in the icy talons of the Polar Vortex for another week. My buddy Dale Marciski from the weather office says there's not much chance of the cold snap snapping any time soon.
It's going to be mostly sunny, with little chance of snow this week -- OK, a 60 per cent chance of flurries on Wednesday -- but cold Arctic air is going to keep funnelling down on our heads.
"I'm afraid it's just more of what we've had for a while," Dale said. "We're running out of ways to describe it. It's unusual. This will not be a record cold winter, but it will be one of the coldest winters we've had in some time.
"We're just going to have to wait and see when the warm-up actually comes. Don't look for a quick arrival of spring. I don't care what the groundhogs say."
Today, for instance, we're looking at a high of -19 C compared with the normal high of -9 C at this time of year. On Sunday -- brace yourselves for this -- the forecast HIGH of -21 C is even colder than the normal LOW temperature we would expect at this time of year.
What will take your mind off this soul-destroying deep freeze? In a word: The Olympics! We recommend you lay in an Olympic-size supply of snacks and park yourself in front of a big-screen TV for the next two weeks to enjoy the Sochi Winter Games.
Today, we're talking women's hockey, with Canada taking on Switzerland at 7 a.m. on CBC. In skiing, the women's moguls are set for noon. On Sunday, the men's curling rink will drop the hammer on Germany, while the men's downhill (that's skiing, not curling) goes at 1 p.m.
If your TV isn't big enough for all that action, head to The Forks and park yourself in the Sports Café 2014 and watch your favourite events on one of three big-screen TVs set up in centre court.
Since you're already at The Forks, check out the Ironman Curling Bonspiel taking place all weekend in support of the Heart & Stroke Foundation. Teams can register at www.ironmancurling.com.
You can satisfy your taste buds by taking in the Valentine's Dinner Cooking Demonstration set for today from 1 to 4 p.m. at centre court.
Whatever you do, sports fans, remember you will feel a lot warmer if your entire body is lovingly cloaked in molten chocolate. Personally, we think you'd look fabulous in a Russian Mint.