Re: Your job performance
Dear Winter: It is extremely rare for management to criticize an employee for doing their job too well, but that is the position we find ourselves in today.
There's no question you have put in an outstanding effort this season, Winter. You have been cold -- brutally so on some days -- and snowy -- way above normal, in fact -- and your northerly winds could literally cause birds to freeze solid in mid-air.
You have done everything we wanted this year and more. In fact, it's the "and more" part we need to speak to you about. As you are well aware, Winter, the vernal equinox arrived earlier this month on March 20.
What does that mean? It means Spring should be on the job right now, whereas you should be enjoying a lovely vacation in the Arctic or the Antarctic or wherever it is you go to, er, cool down after finishing your part-time job.
And it is a part-time job, Winter. We appreciate your enthusiastic approach to work, but the truth is we don't want you plying your trade on a year-round basis. It's not good for morale. We have spoken to Spring and, as you can imagine, she is pretty darn upset about the fact you refuse to relinquish your, um, position in the workplace.
We do not wish to contact our lawyers, Winter, but we need to be clear: Nice work, but, hey, it's time for you to go. Our proposal is you stick around a few more days, enjoy the Juno Awards on Sunday, then slide off into the sunset, giving Spring a chance to begin her apprenticeship.
According to our friend Dale Marciski at Environment Canada, you are doing your best to cling to power, even though some southerly winds will be pulling warmer air up from the central U.S. this weekend.
We will be looking at highs of 3 C today and 0 C on Sunday, which sounds nice, until you realize the normal high at this time of year is a near-tropical 4 C. Then, on Monday, the winds become northerly, bringing us cooler air and a high of just (Gulp!) -11 C.
"It (Saturday's winds) will also pull in some clouds and we could see a few snow flurries, even wet snow flurries Saturday," Dale said.
As for when Spring will begin work, as required under the collective agreement, Dale refused to speculate. "I'm not going to predict spring until I really see it," he declared. "I'm predicting milder weather, but it's still a slow process ... There will be a little melting this weekend."
At his show on Thursday night, internationally renowned comedian Danny Bhoy scolded us Winnipeggers for jumping the gun. "Don't put a date on spring, Winnipeg," he snorted. "Wait until you actually see the little green shoots coming up."
So, please, feel free to stick around and enjoy the Juno festivities this weekend, Winter. Along with the awards show, there's Juno Fest, featuring something like 100 national and local acts at almost 20 different venues scattered around the city. It's a chance to catch the best live music this nation can offer at bargain prices. Individual tickets are $10 to $20 at the door, but the best bet is to buy a festival wristband for $30 through Ticketmaster. You can find the schedule and more at junoawards.ca.
As if that weren't enough, you can shake a bit of frost off by checking out the annual Festival of Fools at The Forks starting today. We're talking clowns, magicians, jugglers, face-painting, circus and trapeze workshops and assorted tomfoolery. And it's (Gasp!) FREE!
Considering it's still cold, maybe you'd enjoy heading to the WAG tonight for an encore presentation of the World's Best Commercials. Tickets are $12 to $14 at wag.ca or the front desk.
In conclusion, Winter, the management committee wants to thank you for all the hard work you have put in this year. You have truly embodied the spirit of our Olympic motto: "We Are Winter!"
But we need to give Spring a chance to show her stuff. It's in the contract. And just in case you were wondering: No! We are not willing to pay you for all the overtime hours you have put in.
See you in November