Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/4/2011 (2167 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
It has been quite some time since I have been active on the dating scene, and I can imagine that things might have changed considerably over the years. In fact, the last time I was active on the dating scene -- and "active" here is a very relative word -- I was between wives and was astonished to discover that the roles of the sexes had reversed and that men had become the sex objects in casual relationships, which may explain why I never actually got many dates.
In any case, things keep changing. Although I have now been contentedly incarcerated for the last 30 years by my present wife -- or The Warden, as I affectionately refer to her -- I still read the news in an effort to keep up with what's going on in the outside world and, you know, there is a lot of it that just puzzles me.
I have been dating -- not dating very successfully perhaps, but dating nonetheless -- for 50 years now minus all the time in lock-up, and in all those years I can remember girls smelling of many different things. Some smelled of soap and water, some of perfumes whose aromas now I can't remember but it seems to me they were vaguely floral, and some just smelled.
But I never remember a girl who smelled like smoked pork, and I never recall hoping that a girl would emerge from her house and step into my car smelling of a hint of maple and a lot of saturated fats. Call me unromantic, but I still don't think that grease and nitrates and pig meat ever inspired any poet to write anything like "my love is a like a bacon bit that's freshly fried in fat."
There is, however, a new perfume on the market called Bacon, although it is pronounced bay-cone, to give it that false French sense of legitimacy that is essential for all perfumes that don't bear the name of some dubious entertainment celebrity.
It is proudly marketed as a fragrance for men and women that actually smells like bacon, which doesn't sound all that appealing when you're thinking about what your lover is putting behind his or her ears, but does give new meaning to the expression that my beau or my belle is a pig.
There have been several attempts over the years to market perfumes and colognes based on bacon bits, but all of them have failed, as this one almost certainly will, despite the fact that almost everybody loves the smell of bacon. Perhaps the road to a man's heart is not through his stomach after all. Probably, and if you think about it, it's kind of a no-brainer, it takes an entirely different route.