Chill the umpire!
A high-school baseball ump--obviously under the influence, witnesses say--passed out during a game in Stark County, Ill., and then attacked first responders who came to his aid and was Tased twice by police, WQAD-TV reported.
The umpiring situation, in short: loaded, with one out and two strikes.
RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on recent findings that tragedy makes one think about sex: "So there is a bright side to being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan."
New Timberwolves president Flip Saunders, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, when asked if any of his players are untouchable: "That's kind of a stupid question because Wilt Chamberlain, Oscar Robertson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got traded."
CBS's David Letterman, on the $590 million Powerball prize: "That's the biggest single jackpot since well, since Tiger Woods' divorce."
NBC's Jimmy Fallon, on the Yankees partially fronting an expansion MLS team: "You can tell it's owned by the Yankees because A-Rod won't be playing for that team either."
From Greg Cote of The Miami Herald: "The Marlins, who have lost nine games by shutout and are 0-12 at home with the roof closed, signed a reliever with perfect surname for a team at the bottom of the standings: Duane Below."
At SportsPickle.com: "Brian Urlacher retires as a Green Bay Packer: 'I just wanted to go out a winner.' "
At TheOnion.com: "Pete Carroll thankful NFL didn't catch rest of Seahawks using PEDs."
Error on the play
Here's what do you get when you cross a broken bat with Memorial Day: a poor choice of words.
Said Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez, after the Yankees' Phil Hughes sawed off Daniel Murphy's bat during Monday's game: "That is a dead soldier right there, folks, laying on that infield dirt."
A broadcast spokesman said Hernandez would get a talking-to.
"(Tim) Tebow is a player who rises to the occasion and delivers big in critical moments," actor Chuck Norris wrote on NewsBusters.org. "He reminds me of myself when I used to compete in martial arts."
In other words, Chuck likes Tebow's quarterbacking chops.
Sophomore safety Josh Harvey-Clemons has been suspended for Georgia's season opener after he got caught smoking marijuana in his campus dorm room.
So much for those Keep Off The Grass signs.
-- The Seattle Times