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Sideline chatter

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Chill the umpire!

A high-school baseball ump--obviously under the influence, witnesses say--passed out during a game in Stark County, Ill., and then attacked first responders who came to his aid and was Tased twice by police, WQAD-TV reported.

The umpiring situation, in short: loaded, with one out and two strikes.

Quote marks

RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on recent findings that tragedy makes one think about sex: "So there is a bright side to being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan."

New Timberwolves president Flip Saunders, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, when asked if any of his players are untouchable: "That's kind of a stupid question because Wilt Chamberlain, Oscar Robertson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got traded."

CBS's David Letterman, on the $590 million Powerball prize: "That's the biggest single jackpot since well, since Tiger Woods' divorce."

NBC's Jimmy Fallon, on the Yankees partially fronting an expansion MLS team: "You can tell it's owned by the Yankees because A-Rod won't be playing for that team either."

Name game

From Greg Cote of The Miami Herald: "The Marlins, who have lost nine games by shutout and are 0-12 at home with the roof closed, signed a reliever with perfect surname for a team at the bottom of the standings: Duane Below."

NFL headlines

At SportsPickle.com: "Brian Urlacher retires as a Green Bay Packer: 'I just wanted to go out a winner.' "

At TheOnion.com: "Pete Carroll thankful NFL didn't catch rest of Seahawks using PEDs."

Error on the play

Here's what do you get when you cross a broken bat with Memorial Day: a poor choice of words.

Said Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez, after the Yankees' Phil Hughes sawed off Daniel Murphy's bat during Monday's game: "That is a dead soldier right there, folks, laying on that infield dirt."

A broadcast spokesman said Hernandez would get a talking-to.

Tebow fan

"(Tim) Tebow is a player who rises to the occasion and delivers big in critical moments," actor Chuck Norris wrote on NewsBusters.org. "He reminds me of myself when I used to compete in martial arts."

In other words, Chuck likes Tebow's quarterbacking chops.

Bad dog

Sophomore safety Josh Harvey-Clemons has been suspended for Georgia's season opener after he got caught smoking marijuana in his campus dorm room.

So much for those Keep Off The Grass signs.

-- The Seattle Times

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 2, 2013 B8

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