Kathy Bruneau helped raise 69 children, almost all them teenage girls.
The veteran foster mother says she's not a saint or even blessed with extraordinary patience. She has simply spent the past 20 years doing what her heart told her was right.
Kathy Bruneau.
"I realize I'm just a caregiver for a time," she says of her young charges. "I am not their mother. I am not trying to replace their mother.
"I want to give them something to go out in the world and look after themselves."
Bruneau and her husband Ernie have five children of their own in their blended family. She comes from a family of 13. Living with a houseful of kids is nothing new for her.
Her path into fostering was circuitous. When she was in Grade 8, her father took sick, and she and her brother were forced to drop out of school to help support the family.
"I always wanted to be a social worker," says the 60-year-old. Instead, she waitressed and eventually became a hairdresser. Still, the urge to help stayed strong.
When her youngest child was just four, she began her career as a foster mom.
"I knew right away I couldn't do babies," she says, sitting in the Winnipeg offices of the Manitoba Foster Families Network. "I knew that, no matter what, I'd get too attached."
She cares for four girls at a time. The longest she's ever had a child was 10 years, beginning when the girl was nine. Most placements are much shorter because the children come to her in their mid-teens.
Right now, there are four 16-year-olds living on the Bruneau farm near Brandon.
Bruneau says she co-parents with the girls' biological mothers, making every effort to keep some measure of contact. She says that's one of the reasons none of her foster children calls her Mom.
"It's out of respect for the girls, it's out of respect for the moms and it's out of respect for my own girls so they don't lose their place in their home."
She remembers one foster child who came to her home after 13 different placements. Counting her biological mother, she'd had 14 women to call Mom.
"We're doing those kids a disservice," she says firmly. "Mom just becomes a word. It doesn't have that sacred sense of Mom. I'm Kathy. They don't have torn loyalties when they see their own mothers."
Bruneau says she tries hard to honour the biological parent.
"If I'm going to make any headway with my girls, I need to respect their families and who they are," she says.
"I believe that's been the key to my success. You have to learn how to develop healthy ways of reuniting with their families or everyone loses."
Sometimes, she admits, that's not possible. But foster parenting has changed over the years and so has the involvement of biological families.
It's now normal for birth parents to come to parent-teacher interviews or school plays, sometimes with the foster parent.
"We're trying to nurture these ties," says Bruneau. "At the end of the day, this is their family. This is where they come from."
Raising teenagers for 20 years straight has taught her a great deal about the virtues of patience, understanding and discipline. She runs a tight ship but says the girls respond well to having limits in their life.
"You have to show them respect. It's something that they may not have had in their lives. If you want their respect, you have to give it, too.
"Say, 'Good morning. How did you sleep? Thank you for doing the dishes.' I guess it's modelling. They need hugs. They need to have choices. I teach them that we all make choices, and you can still learn from the bad ones."
There are some ironclad rules at her house. If a teen isn't in school, she has to work. If she skips school, she's sent outside to shovel manure on the family farm.
"You don't want an education? Then you can be a manual labourer. It's all about natural consequences."
It's not a coincidence that most of Bruneau's foster daughters have finished high school.
If a child flies up to her room in a rage, she's given 20 minutes to get it out of her system.
"Play your music loud, slam your door...after 20 minutes, you lose your stereo because you're bothering everyone in the house."
The girls all have assigned chores. At dinner, one girl washes the dishes, another dries and the third clears and sets the table. The fourth girl gets the night off. Then they rotate.
On Saturdays, everyone does chores at the same time.
The girls are given free time on weekdays between 4 and 5:30. They can hang out in their rooms, ride the horses or watch TV. Dinner is between 5:30 and 6:30. The TV is turned off.
"We always eat dinner together, unless one of the girls has choir. It's a tradition that we don't break. We say the blessing, and then we eat. That's our time for just talking."
All cellphones are put on top of the TV at 5 o'clock and not returned until 8.
The evening is for reading, doing homework and watching TV. Between 8 and 9, the girls can do whatever they like.
"They might shower, put on their PJs, watch Canadian Idol or have a snack. We follow the Canada Food Guide so there's always fruit. At 9, they go to their rooms. At 10 p.m., bedtime, they hand in their cellphones for the night. The lights go out."
If this sounds draconian, the girls love it, Bruneau says.
"A lot of them have never had structure before. They thrive on it. Sometimes they balk, but you explain these are house rules that everyone follows."
She doesn't think there's anything extraordinary about how she parents.
"I don't do anything most people don't do. Except for the structure, maybe. Kids like to know what's expected of them. They know someone cares enough to set rules. It's teaching family values. I think family values are something that are vanishing."
The Bruneau family has been shifting and reshaping for 20 years. The fact she's still in touch with most of her foster daughters is proof they leave with a sense someone cared.
At Christmas, 17 former foster children came home for dinner.
Bruneau gets Mother's Day cards but only, she thinks, because she takes the girls out to buy cards for their own mothers.
"My birthday, that's when I really get the cards," she laughs.
Asked if she has any advice for other parents, the woman who mothered 69 children smiles.
"This is not rocket science," she says.
"It's common sense. Respect them. Expect the best from them. Care for them. That's all anyone wants."
lindor.reynolds@freepress.mb.ca
Lindor Reynolds blogs at
www.winnipegfreepress.com
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