TODAY, in a sincere effort to get everyone's mind off the deep freeze, I'm going to warm things up by writing a column to help us all get ready for the upcoming golf season.
I'll begin by answering one of the questions I am most frequently asked by novice golfers, which is this: "Doug, I suspect members of my foursome want to see me naked? What should I do? Also, is this a one- or two-stroke penalty?"
Ha ha ha. OK, I wish I could say I was joking here, but sadly I cannot. The answer, based on my personal experience, is this: Get a new set of friends and take up a safer sport, like bowling!
I am baring my soul on this issue today because some members of my golf foursome have been behaving in a manner that I -- a person who does not even like to remove his pants when he has a bath -- find mildly disturbing.
Take Boris, for example. Boris happens to be the Entertainment Editor of this paper as well as a member of my foursome, despite the fact he has less skill as a golfer than Britney Spears has as a parent.
The other day I received an e-mail from Boris that carried the following urgent note: "You HAVE to give this a try!!!"
The thing he wanted me to try was a brand-new charter flight for passengers who feel they just can't enjoy air travel unless they are buck naked. According to a story Boris sent me, a German travel firm has just started taking bookings for these flights, during which passengers get naked after they board and then get dressed again before they disembark.
("Buh-bye now! Don't forget your pants.")
"The flight can be enjoyed as God intended," a company statement boasted, "For the first time, passengers can fly in the nude."
(For the record, I deserve bonus marks here for not resorting to cheap jokes about "flying united" or ensuring your tray table -- or anything else, for that matter -- is "locked in the upright position.")
Boris's line of thinking was that it would be the very pinnacle of humour to send a columnist with the same body type as Jabba The Hutt on a plane with a bunch of naked German tourists.
It's hard to argue with that kind of logic, but before I could even try, a couple of days later I was faced with an even more terrifying suggestion. This one came from Pat, who happens to be ANOTHER member of my golf foursome as well as the Travel Editor at this paper.
"You have to give this a try!" Pat snorted as he plunked a great big book and a news release down on the desk in my tiny cubicle.
This book, which was up for grabs this weekend in the Travel Section's book giveaway, was entitled The World's Best Nude Beaches And Resorts -- The Top 1,000 Places To Get Naked.
"You HAVE to give this a try," is what Pat said as I perused a news release for something in Florida called Caliente Tampa, which apparently is "a captivating blend of solitude, exhilaration and sizzle that is ideal for the seasoned naturist and first-time nudist alike."
His thinking was it would be unbearably funny if I was to go there and do a first-hand report on an event that used to be called "Nude Wednesday" but has since been given an exciting new name.
"The name has been changed to BUCK NAKED BUFFET," the release screamed, "and everything is new! Now an endless choice of all you care to eat!"
And, as if that wasn't tempting enough, here's the kicker: "Plus, if you are Buck Naked, receive half off wine and draft. Only $14 per person."
What? Eat all I want? With Naked Fat People? For only $14? How could you say no to an offer like that? Well, as it turns out, pretty easily.
"No," is what I told my golfing chum/editor.
"See what your wife says," he suggested.
And so I did. Here, and I will quote directly, is what my wife said: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
As you math experts have already figured out, this left only one member of my foursome who hadn't weighed in on my potential participation in clothing-optional winter events.
This was Gerald, who happens to be our Comment Editor and easily the brightest of the bunch. I took matters into my own hands (so to speak) and barged uninvited into Gerald's office.
"I have a question," I blurted.
"What is it?" he replied.
"Do you currently have any desire to see me participate in any activity while not actually wearing clothing?"
Gerald did not have to think about this. "NO!" is what he said.
"Are you positive?" I demanded.
"ABSOLUTELY!" he declared.
And somehow that made me feel a whole lot better. Because, the more I think about it, I'm really not a very good bowler.
doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca
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