Husband failed to mention he has a son

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This article was published 07/03/2017 (3172 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I found out my husband lived for a few months with a woman in his early 20s and she had his baby, a fact he didn’t feel was necessary to confess before he married me. He’s 47 now. Well, the child of that union came calling last weekend. My husband knew about him, though he hadn’t seen him since he was a baby. He now tells me he was too young to be a father. The young mother eventually married her high school sweetheart and they raised the boy.

But, kids grow up and get curious, even about deadbeat dads. Bang-bang-bang on my door the other day and the son shows up to see his long-lost dad. He’s a dead ringer for my husband, even the voice. I invited him in and he and I had the benefit of two hours of conversation before my husband got home. I learned a lot. The son brought pictures of his of him throughout the years and the beautiful woman who is his mother and the man she married.

The son, now in his early 20s, and I were awkward at first but had a few stiff drinks and decided, what the heck, we’d call his mom on Skype. She seemed like a nice woman, though very shy and embarrassed. She told me my husband had told her “to go home to your mother” and that he didn’t love her and wasn’t ready to be a father.

My husband came home, met his son and was polite but awkward. He didn’t know what to say and fell silent.

The problem is my feelings for my husband have diminished considerably and I think this stepson is a great kid. He’s in town for a month staying with a friend. Where do we go from here? — Shocked and Disillusioned Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Shocked and Disillusioned Wife: Go straight to a relationship counsellor who can help sort out all the thoughts and powerful feelings emerging daily. Your husband was probably awkward and quiet because he was in shock, didn’t know what to say or where to start. He tends to run away from difficult things, such as the baby so long ago, and telling you the whole truth about his life.

He owes this son and the mom a lot, and he must know it. He can’t pay back the time where he didn’t bother with his son, but he could pony up all of his university costs, since he didn’t pay a cent to help raise his child. And for everyone’s good — the son’s, the mom’s, yours and his own — your husband should apologize from the bottom of his heart for running away from his pregnant partner because he was too young. The young mom carried him to term and kept him all his life.

Also, your husband needs to apologize directly to his son for abandoning him and say he’s sorry to you for the big lie of omission. He has a lot of emotional work ahead and he needs professional help with it. Help him find it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My friend is in her 80s and very fit, except there’s something wrong with her: she steals stuff — just little things — from my house. It’s hard to find a girlfriend at my age and I don’t want to lose her. What should I do?

— Annoyed, North End

Dear Annoyed: Tell her you notice somebody’s been been stealing things from your house and say it has to stop, or you’ll be calling in the police. That will allow her to save face, stay with you and stop pilfering your stuff. 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
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