Virgin ready to swing for the fences

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This article was published 06/03/2017 (3173 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Do you think I should admit to my new girlfriend I’m a virgin when I know she’s not? I’m 19 and have had a couple of casual relationships that didn’t get all the way to sex, but she had one long-term boyfriend and they had a complete sexual relationship.

She’s a very honest girl, which is one of the things I love about her. I know there’s always a tiny chance a woman can get pregnant no matter what methods they use, but I’m not afraid. The real issue is I’m afraid I won’t be any good at it. I’ve been keeping her off now for a few weeks, but I really want to do it. She doesn’t know I have no experience, as I’m a very good kisser. What should I do?

— Teenage Virgin, St. Vital

Dear Teenage Virgin: Be as honest with her as she has been with you. Tell her you haven’t had all-the-way, full-blown intercourse yet, and you will require her good humour and patience — and she should show you exactly what she likes. She may be sweetly amused and it could be a fun experience for both of you, whether there’s some fumbling or not. There’s a charming old song on YouTube, covered by such stars as Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole and Amy Winehouse, called Teach Me Tonight. You’ll get a big kick out of it!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife has a hot Latin temper and throws fits when she’s angry. She stomps around, curses and makes funny, empty threats, and I enjoy the show. She’s never mad at me. It’s her mother she wants to chop into little pieces, and when it’s expressed, the upset is quickly over. She’ll cry a little bit and then she wants sex to work it out of her system. It’s very passionate, emotional sex.

Frankly, I love it, because my last wife was such a a tight, controlling bore. But now there’s trouble in paradise. The neighbours at our expensive condo building are complaining about the screaming and wondering if they should call the police to protect me. I have told them we aren’t fighting and she is just letting off a little steam about her mother. Today we got a written complaint with a veiled suggestion we take the noise elsewhere.

— Won’t Move! St. Boniface

Dear Won’t Move: Since you have money for an expensive condo, you must have money for a nice little house where your wife can make all the noise she wants, in bed and screaming her lungs out after a fight on the phone with her mom. Don’t be stubborn! A move could be fun for you. Give your peace-loving condo neighbours a break by buying a house at the edge of town in a rural setting, and look forward to the racket your wife will create at top volume and the passion to follow that benefits little old you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There’s this older woman who does all kinds of nice things for me, but I’m just not feeling it. I’m not in love with her, although she’s a nice lady in her 70s, like me. She shows up at my apartment door with cookies and plants, and one time with a scarf she knit me. I just thank her nicely, take the stuff and don’t invite her in anymore, but I’m starting to feel guilty.

Should I start refusing the free goods? I don’t know how to tell her I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but I don’t return the feelings. I’m afraid she’ll cry. I really want her to turn her thoughts, feelings and desires in another direction, away from me. I need her to stop targeting me. I heard a rumour that I’m not the only one she’s doing this to, so maybe I should just keep on taking the free stuff, but I’m a more honest guy than that. Please tell me how to…

— Let Her Down Easy, Osborne Village

Dear Let Her Down Easy: You could install a thickly padded runner carpet in your hallway and a peep hole, but she still might hear you peeking and retreating if the floors creak. Or, you could say in a jovial manner: “Thank you so much. I’ll have to share these cookies with my lady friend. She really enjoyed your last batch.” Any romantic notions she had about you will be gone with that remark, but it will be a bit hurtful.

If she doesn’t take any hints, tell her honestly you feel guilty taking her gifts because you’re not interested in a relationship with her. Then say thanks and goodbye in a firm but polite manner and close the door. That will be it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went out with the cutest girl on the weekend from a different high school, but she told me she had a cold sore so I couldn’t kiss her goodnight. I backed off. The thing is, I couldn’t see the cold sore, and I had been staring at her lips all night. I wondered if it was just a way to avoid kissing me. What do you think?

— Cold Sore or Excuse? South Winnipeg

Dear Cold Sore or Excuse: Why not ask her out again and see if she was bluffing or not. If she actually likes you and did have a cold sore starting to tingle, but not yet showing, she was sweet to warn you off. Once you start getting them, they come back periodically for life. If she was just trying to keep you from kissing her because she wasn’t ready or interested, she’ll make a flimsy excuse and refuse the next date. Then just leave it. Two tries is enough at the beginning stage of the dating game.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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