Threaten end of lifestyle if wife won’t get a job

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This article was published 31/07/2017 (3026 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is a funny lady. We laugh a lot. Maybe too much. We have problems and she laughs them off. One of them is getting too big to laugh off, though. She won’t go back to work and I am staggering under the weight of two jobs. The kids are both in school this fall. I have approached her about this three times: the first time she laughed, and the second and third time she looked at me like I was a monster father. Please help! — The Monster, Tuxedo

Dear The Monster: Since your wife is stubborn and has given you her horrified reaction twice now, this problem may require marriage counselling, with the mediating skills and calmness of a trained third party in the room. Either that or tell your wife you are feeling sick with the stress and must quit your second job and move to a smaller house and lifestyle, unless she gets some kind of job. Then let her think about that for a few weeks, talk again and act.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My family has a medium-sized cabin at a lake with not many conveniences and it was barely OK when there was just our four-person family. Now both of us kids have married and have babies. We tried visiting two weeks ago and our baby screamed all night long. We went home early. I could see my mother was both disappointed and relieved when we left. My sister came the next weekend and her baby got sick and they took off early.

My wife and I can’t leave our baby with babysitters and go visit the folks who are there all summer. I feel it’s rude to stop visiting altogether, but my wife says no way to going right now, as she is secretly pregnant again and not feeling well — she is throwing up, is tired and cries easily. What should we do? I don’t want to hurt my mom and dad. — Worried Son, St. Vital

Dear Worried Son: Here’s where the first part of your life-adventure book ends and the second part starts. You and your wife are now the parents, and your mother and father are the grandparents. You have to make some wise decisions for your own family, and that doesn’t include toughing it out at the lake to please the grandparents this summer.

They need to know you are skipping this season and next year you may rent a little place of your own close to them for a week or two. A mother and a daughter-in-law co-running the same lake household rarely works.

Right now, your pregnant wife needs to be near conveniences so she can throw up and clean up, feed the baby on her own schedule and lie down any time she needs to. You should take over a lot of the household duties. She doesn’t need any pressure to be social, to be cleaning more or feel guilty because she isn’t doing her share at your mom’s cabin.

You can earn a lot of brownie points right now by putting your wife ahead of every other adult in your family, and that will show up in dividends in your marriage now and later. Or you can earn resentment demerits which will show up immediately and last a very long time. Don’t fail her now when she needs you to run interference with the relatives.

When you are feeling run off your feet, say to yourself: “The love of my life is carrying one of our babies in her arms and another one in her womb, for both of us.” Get babysitting help if needed for a few hours daily so she can cope with the morning sickness that sometimes lasts all day and evening. Also, the fatigue is unbelievable in this situation (been there, done that).

Unless your wife gets along very warmly with your mom and sisters, don’t let them muscle in and take over her life. It’s a a fine line here and your wife will be overrun with hormones, so it’s normal to be very emotional. Talk to your wife about the power balance situation with both moms. Her mother may or may not be a help. Does she live nearby?

Why aren’t you telling those two grandmothers about the pregnancy? Are you still worried about a miscarriage this early on? If you reveal the new pregnancy, then you can say to both sets of grandfolks that you need some space this summer and won’t be as social. They may not like it, but your parents will at least understand.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have two complainers who work on either side of me. I can hear them whining to each other daily, and in the lunchroom they take turns sympathizing and then complaining, and sympathizing again. Yesterday I lost it, and told them to shut up. I’m not a hard-hearted person, but I can’t take it anymore. Why do they feed into each other’s pity and depression? Do they enjoy it in some freaky way? — Don’t Get It, Crestview

Dear Don’t Get it: There are many different reactions to sympathy — some people need a little bit, and it re-energizes them, and they’re off and operating at a higher energy again. Some people love sympathy because they feel so sorry for themselves it just feels right that others do, too. They enjoy a pity party exchange of hard luck stories and sympathy. Other people enjoy normal sympathy and then want to get out of the situation that’s gotten them down.

Which would you prefer if you were lost in a dark tunnel system? 1) People asking you about your situation and then giving great heaps of sympathy, or 2) Someone saying “Dry your tears, so you can see. Get yourself together, so you walk. I can show you the way out of here, though it might not be easy.” Not everyone will follow the person with an answer. For some, the complaining and the sympathy feels better.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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