August 23, 2017


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Haiku horoscopes

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 8/5/2013 (1567 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You’ve succeeded where

Others have failed — by ruining

Your life completely


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You rush too much — stop

And smell that old woman named

Rose that you just scared


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

I think the name "Lunch"

Is a great name for a pet

Although few agree


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

At long last you will

Hunt down Moby Dick this week

And revenge yourself


Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Read more widely — try

Out some of the Nabisco

Brand of food boxes


Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

If Shakespeare was still

Alive today, he would not

Be reading your blog

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)


Salman Rushdie will

Soon go back into hiding

Just to avoid you


Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

A movie about

Killer mermaids seems like your

Next logical step


Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Life hasn’t turned out

The way you expected, so

Fire all your writers


Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Before you flee from

That vampire, consider this:

He could use a friend


Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Don’t ask why, but you

Need to change your life — I told

You not to ask why!


Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)

Some things you just have

To take on faith, like how I

Know what I just said


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