DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a weird question to ask. My new girlfriend and I don’t know how to ask it. She wants every kind of sex, except regular intercourse. I don’t know why, and half of me is scared to ask. The other half is annoyed.
I don’t have any hidden diseases or conditions. She knows my sexual history, because I feel you have a duty to honour a new partner with that information. Her reply was, "That’s interesting. Thanks for telling me." Period. She obviously wasn’t going to tell me her situation.
When I was tiptoeing around this secret again yesterday, she got mad and said, "Look, at the end of the night, you’re satisfied every time, right?" and I said, "Well, yes, physically, in a way. But I’m crazy about you, and I want the whole experience of lovemaking with you!" She didn’t answer.
A week later I had a drunken talk with an old friend of hers (and mine) who told me, "She saves intercourse for a mutual love affair. It’s her rule."
Miss L., she does everything else but "make love," or what I think of as that. The rest is just sport — great experience — but sport, to me.
— Confused Boyfriend, Westwood
Dear Confused: There are different kinds of sexual withholders out there. Some save different types of sex for people they are in love with. Some just enjoy the power of withholding. To my mind, a person doesn’t encourage love by dangling a carrot, as in "You can have this, but you can’t have that, until you say you love me."
In this case it’s complicated by the fact she doesn’t even tell you the name of the game, and you wouldn’t have known unless this mutual friend told you. You are failing a test you didn’t even know about. Of course, if you did, she might think you’d lie to get what you want sexually.
This lady is a games-player in my book. Consider saying goodbye and finding a woman who is truthful and forthright and doesn’t play you like this. Why? Because, SHE would find that a distasteful way for you to relate to her. A good portion of the "Big L" is is the "Big R" — as in respect.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend is a cat collector, and at last count (last week) she’d gone from six to eight in one jump. She just couldn’t separate two eight-week old sister kittens from each other.
I thought it was cute when I met her — that she had three cute cats — but this is nuts. Why does she need so many? She doesn’t live in the country or on a farm. Eight indoor cats is a lot of kitty litter, cat food and money for shots and medical care.
I protested over the last two kittens and she said, "Hey, it’s my life and you don’t even live here, so you have no say, except where you choose to park your boots. So, if it’s under MY bed, you better watch what you say!"
What do you think, Miss L.?
— Hacking up Hairballs, Windsor Park
Dear Hairballs: It’s not easy living in a cat house (little joke). But seriously, you have to consider where this lady’s primary attention is going to go, and it isn’t going to go to you, mister. If you were a devoted cat lover, you’d both be in domestic heaven managing all these furry animals, doling out food, love and attention. But, you’re not! You’re an average cat-liker.
This lady has put her foot down. Either get with her multi-cat program, or move on down the road! You know what the answer is. Besides, Cat Lady sounds mighty bossy to me. Who needs that? Nobody with a backbone.
Please send your questions and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.