July 14, 2020

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Opinion

Don't get fooled again by double-dealer

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last summer, when I was 23, I met a guy three years older and we had a scorching spring and summer together, and I hoped we’d get engaged. It ended abruptly two weeks before he was due to fly back to the U.S., where he’s from.

I had no idea he was engaged to someone else and the immensity of the deception blew my mind. It came to light when I picked up his phone at the end of August when he’d run out to the store — and a woman was on the other end of the line. I picked up for him and, before I even got a chance to say anything, she said, "Surprise, sweetheart! It’s me, your darling fiancée and I’m in Winnipeg at the airport!"

Well, "sweetheart" came back from the store and I said, "Your fiancée just called and she’s at the airport waiting for you. Surprise!" I picked up my shoulder purse, hit him hard in the stomach with it and said, "By the way, she knows about me now, you &%$#@. Congratulations on your cancelled wedding!" Then I ran over to my best friend’s and sobbed for hours.

It took me seven months of counselling to get past that trauma. I recently heard from a mutual friend that his fiancée didn’t marry him — that golden boy with the big future who her parents had picked out.

I feel like calling him — not to gloat but to ask questions — but the mutual friend counselled me against doing so, because she thinks I’m still in love with him and hoping for another chance. Nothing could be further from the truth! I abhor what he did to me, and to her.

— But Still Wanting to Talk, Tuxedo

 

Dear Wanting: Romantic love is a tricky thing. It’s actually possible to hate someone you also love, and that person could be very bad for you. Sadly, it’s too easy to believe a good story the liar gives you, especially if he says he always loved you but was stuck with this relationship the parents had pushed on him, before leaving the country.

If this guy would do you dirt once and get away with it, he can do it again. So don’t even think about stepping back into his big, muddy hole. His fiancée dumped him, and you’ll note he still didn’t make any effort to get in touch with you. It would give his ego a big boost if you called now, but it wouldn’t be about the kind of "love" you thought you two had before his fiancée called from the airport and told you she existed!

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Summertime is coming and we have a great cottage. I am 18 and mature for my age. My mom knows my boyfriend and I sleep together — often in my basement bedroom at home. But when I asked her if we could go out there for a week alone in August, she said no. I said, "He sleeps over now and you OK’d that!" Talk about being a hypocrite.

She said the families at the beach are very close-knit and there’s lots of gossip. She doesn’t want everybody to know her young daughter is "playing house" with a boyfriend at the lake. But what’s the difference between there and the city? She said, "In the city we have privacy, but at the cottage it’s like a small town of our city friends from church." That’s so ridiculous. How can I convince her to relent and let us go?

— Love Our Cottage, South Winnipeg

Dear Love the Cottage: It comes down to ownership. It’s your parents’ cottage and they are probably there the majority of the time. They still get to make the rules and mom doesn’t want her unmarried teenage daughter at the cottage alone with her boyfriend, because she thinks everybody will know you two are unchaperoned and probably having a wild old time together. My guess is the neighbours will know and won’t give a darn, but your mom is the boss.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I want to be free to be myself — and come out of the closet. This will not be the person my old friends from my hometown thought they knew. My parents still live there. My city friends may have guessed, but lots of them probably haven’t, so I just don’t know what to do.

— So Tired of the Dark Closet, Osborne Village

Dear Tired: Why not "come out" to the ones you think know about it already? There will be more who have already guessed than you know, but most people aren’t so bold as to outright ask you.

In my own life, the half-dozen friends who have come out formally to me were people I’d guessed years before, and that was just fine. Their lives, their timing! Sometimes it’s just good to clear up where people are on the continuum, and offer your support. For counselling on this, contact the Rainbow Resource Centre (rainbowresourcecentre.org).

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

 

Miss Lonelyhearts

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.

Read full biography

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