Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is on her third husband and this time I thought she’d gotten it right — she really loves him. But I found out through a friend of a friend that he’s a secret high-stakes gambler.
My mother has ended up with fairly big money as she always "married up" — until this guy she calls her true love came along. He treats her like gold, but I wonder if he has started tapping into her money. He’s not a wealthy man on his own.
I want to warn her, but I’ve never seen Mom so happy, although she does says he "always seems to be busy." Should I interfere? I’m not being selfish. I don’t need an inheritance, as I have a good professional job I love, but I must tell you I’m afraid for her now.
— Worried about Mom’s Money, Tuxedo
Dear Worried: Do interfere, and go see Mom in person. Your message should go something like this: "I’m glad you’re happy with your new husband, but I feel compelled to tell you something for your safety. I’ve heard recently he’s a high-stakes gambler. It may just be empty gossip, but I’d like you to find a way to keep your money private from him, ASAP."
Mom won’t be happy with you for having this talk, but you’d feel worse if you didn’t warn her and something happened.
She may have been wondering where her new husband goes and why he doesn’t chat about his buddies with her, or why he always seems to get back on the computer late at night to play games. He could be spending thousands of dollars gambling every night, in a worst-case scenario.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I developed early, well ahead of the other girls in my class. I always felt very self-conscious about my big breasts. Some girls disliked me, calling me names behind my back, while the boys just stared.
The years from 12 to 17 were a nightmare. I tried everything to cover myself — baggy tops, huge hoodies, minimizing bras… nothing helped. After saving every dollar I made for years, I finally have enough money now for breast-reduction surgery.
When I first met my fiancé three years ago, he was all for me having the procedure. He said, "Anything you want, I want." But now, he has said he doesn’t support me, even though he’s witnessed men gawking at me or making crude comments in the bar. He can’t or won’t explain the change.
Now we’ve had another fight, and he gave me an ultimatum. If I have the breast reduction, he’s not sure he’ll be able to stand it — and that might be it for us. What?!?
I really don’t understand his change in support for me, and he won’t talk. I love my guy, and don’t want to lose him. What can I do to get his support back, or am I fighting a losing battle?
— Desperate for his Support, Windsor Park
Dear Desperate: Many people wouldn’t marry someone who issued an ultimatum like this. Let’s look at this problem three different ways, so you can instigate a heart-to-heart talk about possible issues.
Now that he’s fallen in love with you, he may be frightened and feel physically ill about a surgeon cutting into you. Or, he may have fallen in love with your large bosom, and is afraid he’ll lose the sexual magnetism he feels now. Or, perhaps he has no idea what your breasts will look like afterwards, and visualizes you as flat.
If he’s imagining an almost flat chest, he needs to see some photos and sketches of "after" looks.
Doctors generally settle on a cup size with the patient beforehand. Anyone I know who has undergone a breast reduction still has a fairly large bosom after surgery, but one that suits her body size.
In all cases, the breasts were no longer oversized and heavy, with bra straps cutting into shoulders and breasts aching all the time.
The women were all relieved they’d had it done.
If this man digs in his heels about the reduction after this discussion, he really doesn’t care enough about your physical comfort and emotional needs to be your husband.
Please send your questions and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.