August 18, 2018

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Opinion

Don't put up with nasty sex talk

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been seeing the same guy for a few months. He’s polite and treats me extremely well, in public and when talking privately. He believes in equality, doesn’t sexualize me and thinks women are strong and capable. He never pushed sex on me too early, like others guys have tried. This gave us a chance to get to know each other well before we slept together (and trust me, holding back was not easy because the chemistry was off the charts). The sex was equally awesome — at least at the beginning.

Now that we’ve become more comfortable with each other, during sex he yells obscenities at me and calls me nasty synonyms for a prostitute. The first time he did it, I actually started laughing — I thought he was joking. When I realized it was floating his boat, I became hurt and puzzled. He assured me he didn’t mean any of it, that it was “just a sexual thing.” What do you make of that? He’s a good guy — I think. But this really threw me for a loop. I don’t want to lose him but something feels off about this behaviour to me.

— No Prude, Fort Richmond

Dear No Prude: There is definitely something wrong with his behaviour. Who wants to accept a man calling you a prostitute, but in much cruder words than that? You’re trying to let him off the hook because you took so long to get into him as a person and don’t want to lose that.

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been seeing the same guy for a few months. He’s polite and treats me extremely well, in public and when talking privately. He believes in equality, doesn’t sexualize me and thinks women are strong and capable. He never pushed sex on me too early, like others guys have tried. This gave us a chance to get to know each other well before we slept together (and trust me, holding back was not easy because the chemistry was off the charts). The sex was equally awesome — at least at the beginning.

Now that we’ve become more comfortable with each other, during sex he yells obscenities at me and calls me nasty synonyms for a prostitute. The first time he did it, I actually started laughing — I thought he was joking. When I realized it was floating his boat, I became hurt and puzzled. He assured me he didn’t mean any of it, that it was "just a sexual thing." What do you make of that? He’s a good guy — I think. But this really threw me for a loop. I don’t want to lose him but something feels off about this behaviour to me.

— No Prude, Fort Richmond

Dear No Prude: There is definitely something wrong with his behaviour. Who wants to accept a man calling you a prostitute, but in much cruder words than that? You’re trying to let him off the hook because you took so long to get into him as a person and don’t want to lose that.

You want to find out why he gets a thrill out of this kind of talk? He might have learned it from watching porn, or maybe he needs to think women are "bad" in order to excuse sex, which is "dirty," suggesting an underlying disgust and anger towards women. The yelling is a whole other problem — verbal violence and disrespect could escalate to physical violence. Here’s an exercise: try to think of words to call a man down and imagine yelling them at him during sex. That’s what he’s doing to you. This man is not a good partner, so don’t try to excuse him. It may be lonely for a bit, but you can find someone healthier, more loving and sexier.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This guy and I had a few dates a few years back, but I told him there was no chemistry and that I wanted to remain friends. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Maybe I’ve aged, come to my senses and see things differently. Maybe it’s thoughts of mortality and the fragility of life. I really don’t know. I’d like nothing more than the opportunity to date him again and figure it out, but I respect his feelings in this matter, too.

How do you tell someone that there wasn’t chemistry before and now there is. I don’t want to insult the guy. Everyone deserves to be desired. I think he’d be open to it, but this is tricky.

What complicates matters is that I don’t think I’ll really know how I feel until I see him again. Help!

Dear Help: If you are truly feeling the chemistry, more talking isn’t going to help. You’re going to have to reach out and kiss the man passionately and say, "Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself." Let’s hope you do feel it because if you don’t, and he gets rejected twice, you won’t even have a friendship left.

It’s hard to trust your reasons for thinking you might feel chemistry. Plus, by the tone of your letter, it sounds like you haven’t seen the man for a while.

How do you know you feel like doing the wild thing with him?

Maybe you just want a good, solid man. It’s doubtful he’s your type or you would never have let him go after a few dates.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.

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