December 9, 2018

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Opinion

Hubby has a sex buddy — and it's a man

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has a sex buddy and you may be surprised to hear I don’t mind. At least, I didn’t for years. My husband is very poor in bed, with me anyway, and I was secretly glad to be excused from marital duties. Plus, his sex buddy is an unattractive woman with a drinking problem — no competition to me. I do love him otherwise. We have had four kids together and he is kind and generous.

Recently, my husband started losing fat, lifting weights, buying new clothes and generally sprucing up. The other night, we had an emergency with one of the dogs and I called him on his cell. He came home in a hurry with wet hair, smelling of men’s shower products.

I asked him if he had a new girlfriend and he coloured up and said, “No!” I got curious and did some investigating. My best friend and I followed him on what is generally his “fooling around” night, when he pretends to be playing pool with his buddies. He went straight to a fancy house belonging to a single man. I spied on him further and know what the guy looks like: very handsome. I am in shock now, and totally upset.

I could handle that I married a guy who was lousy in bed and had a woman on the side, but somehow, I can’t handle that he’s with a man. Was our whole marriage a sham? I haven’t spoken to him because I’m too upset to be able to talk without screaming. Why has this flipped me out completely? I had a panic attack after seeing him at this guy’s house. Please help me.

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has a sex buddy and you may be surprised to hear I don’t mind. At least, I didn’t for years. My husband is very poor in bed, with me anyway, and I was secretly glad to be excused from marital duties. Plus, his sex buddy is an unattractive woman with a drinking problem — no competition to me. I do love him otherwise. We have had four kids together and he is kind and generous.

Recently, my husband started losing fat, lifting weights, buying new clothes and generally sprucing up. The other night, we had an emergency with one of the dogs and I called him on his cell. He came home in a hurry with wet hair, smelling of men’s shower products.

I asked him if he had a new girlfriend and he coloured up and said, "No!" I got curious and did some investigating. My best friend and I followed him on what is generally his "fooling around" night, when he pretends to be playing pool with his buddies. He went straight to a fancy house belonging to a single man. I spied on him further and know what the guy looks like: very handsome. I am in shock now, and totally upset.

I could handle that I married a guy who was lousy in bed and had a woman on the side, but somehow, I can’t handle that he’s with a man. Was our whole marriage a sham? I haven’t spoken to him because I’m too upset to be able to talk without screaming. Why has this flipped me out completely? I had a panic attack after seeing him at this guy’s house. Please help me.

— Totally Freaking Out, River Heights

Dear Freaking Out: Look, you married a guy and left him without sex sometime after he helped you create your fourth child. Clearly, you knew that was unfair and overlooked his woman on the side. It’s understandable you’re upset. It was easier for you to accept his having sex with a woman you seemed to think was below your status. It’s hard for you to see that he’s traded up in terms of youth and sexiness and is having an adventure with a different sex.

You’re also upset because you thought you’d married a heterosexual man. You feel fooled. Sexuality is a continuum, and people can shift on the line over time.

Perhaps your husband had inklings of this desire for men before he married you, but pushed them out of this mind. Maybe he found you sexy and pushed back his feelings for men while you were still having sex and children with him. And maybe he’s always been a secret, practising bisexual.

You’re freaking out because you have lost control of your world and it wasn’t what you thought it was. That could account for your feelings of anxiety and panic — everything is in flux, and you don’t know what will happen. The sooner you talk it out, the sooner your world will settle down again. The biggest question to settle is this: will you continue to live together or split up? It’s probably time for both of you to be free.

See a relationship counsellor right away, and discuss the horrible feelings you’re having. Then invite your husband to join the sessions. He may want to see the counsellor alone first, to see if that person is really open to talking with people who aren’t heterosexual.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.

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