Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: As a married man who hasn’t been getting much lovin’ for the last dozen years, my summer was totally unexpected. My wife, a teacher, left me home in Winnipeg at the end of June and went to the lake for the summer. I had to work in the city six days a week.
I woke up early to drive up on a Sunday to surprise my wife in mid-July. I caught her naked in the master bedroom with her lover — a woman, as it turns out. Seems my wife had neglected to tell me she was cheating and that she’s bisexual.
Little did she know, I went home with joy in my heart — what a break for me! There’s this wonderful woman at work who’s single, and she and I have been close friends and looking sideways at each other longingly for the last year.
I now had permission to have my own affair. We slid into a full-blown affair and we exchanged I-love-yous recently. Now the summer is ending and my wife phoned to let me know she and her "friend" had parted ways, and she wanted to go into counselling to save our marriage.
I laughed and said, "The only kind of counselling you need now is legal counselling. I have a new love and I want a divorce, and as soon as possible." She screamed at me to do something anatomically impossible and called me names.
I haven’t moved out of our house because I don’t want her to get her hands on every expensive thing I own as well as her own stuff. What should I do next?
— Heading For Divorce ASAP, Winnipeg
Dear Heading: Since you clearly know who you want and who you do not want anymore, your mission is to get a divorce fast and get a fair deal. Call a good divorce lawyer and your accountant ASAP.
Be nice when you speak to your wife. Perhaps she will make up with her lady partner and calm down some. Then you two can be more reasonable in the split.
You should also seriously think about how you’re going to break it to your kids. No matter how old they are, their emotions will be volatile and they will feel somehow betrayed and messed up, and will need a lot of explanation and support.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There’s something going on at the golf club where I work long hours. It appears to me, as a man of the world, to be a golf foursome that’s sometimes a "threesome" after the round.
These two couples leave the golf club after quite a few drinks, and many times I’ve seen them go off, three in one car and one in the other, and then arrive back for an early morning tee-off, in the same configuration. They are very touchy-feely with each other — one man touches both women — and the women are always kissing each other, sometimes on the mouth.
I don’t disapprove. Hell, I’m jealous! Do you think this could be happening, or am I imagining things? They like to boast about being in their early 20s during Woodstock. That makes them rich, old hippies and capable of anything in my book. What do you think?
— Doing It or Not Doing It? South End
Dear Doing It Or Not: It would ruin the end of your golf season to tell you to forget this question and look the other way... like finding out there’s no Santa Claus.
So, "Don’t stop believin’!" as the song goes. For the sake of your fantasy life, and naughty sense of humour, just pretend these couples are doing it every which way they can, but don’t spread any gossip.
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Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.