August 10, 2020

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Opinion

Late pregnancy not best time for bitter breakup

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I discovered a rat sleeping in my bedroom. It’s my so-called husband. Actually, I don’t know how long he’s been seeing his "fun" buddy, but I’m guessing it might have started when I was too sick during my pregnancy to want sex.

He was always an enthusiastic every-night lover before, and there were a few months in early pregnancy when I was too nauseated to even consider it.

But that finished a long time ago, and I have been ready, willing and able, through pregnancy, since then.

But he has often been suspiciously tired! Here’s why: he got greedy and kept on with the other woman after I got active again. Then he grew careless. He left her cell number and initials in a pocket of his jeans I washed recently.

I phoned the number, and recognized her distinctive voice. She’s one of his work associates. I confronted him and he had to admit it.

I can leave him now — or leave him later. He looks like a whipped puppy, but I don’t trust him not to piddle on the carpet again.

It’s not even that so much, as it is his cheating on me all those good months when he could have been making love with me — the mother of his baby. — Angry, Heartbroken and Due Soon, Winnipeg

Dear Due Soon: Giving birth in a state of marriage breakup grief is not a good situation. Contact a marriage counsellor or a counsellor who operates with online apps like Zoom or Skype where you can see each other’s faces.

If worst comes to worst you can even do counselling by phone with no visuals. You can do counselling alone or together with your husband, but you need as many sessions as possible in the time period around the birth of your child.

Your husband still needs to bond with this baby because he will be that child’s birth dad all his life. So you really shouldn’t kick him totally out of your life, as difficult as it may become.

Some counsellors are seeing people in-person again now, with masks and sanitizing. At any rate, you need professional help ASAP, and you need support and help with the newborn baby,as you will be tired from waking to feed that hungry little one, two or three times a night.

Your husband also should speak to a counsellor alone about the "need" he thinks he has for everyday sex with another person. If he has the need for sex every day — as some strongly sexed people do — he doesn’t need someone else with him every time. There’s nothing unmanly or immature about discreetly satisfying himself.

Worst-case scenario: If he has fallen "in love" with this other woman, it’s a whole other problem. You two may break up soon, but it’d still be better if it were a few months after the birth of your baby, not a few months before.

No matter what, right now, you need to gather a group of sisters and friends around you and include them in the baby and new mommy care after this birth. There is no fatigue quite like postpartum for many mothers. The last thing you need is depression.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My old lover — also a lesbian — has been trying to make up with me. We were together for several years but she had a big money problem with fly-by-night investments and a VLT addiction.

I used to tell her: "You want something for nothing, and believe in the magic of luck!" She claims she’s all over gambling now by "sheer willpower."

She does seem to have a lot more money these days. What do you think? I do miss the warm and funny side of her. — The Gullible One, Wolseley

Dear Gullible One: She may be gambling that you’ll go for "the reformed her." I wouldn’t trust her "sheer willpower" story, unless it was accompanied by counselling she can prove she’s had, and at least a year of being off gambling of any sort.

If she is involved with Gamblers Anonymous and she’ll give you a look at her bank and credit card statements (good luck!), you might extend her a little trust, but be very careful with your heart.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

 

Miss Lonelyhearts

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.

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