November 23, 2017

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Life with new wife is just a gas, gas, gas

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I eat a simple whole-food diet, including chicken and fish, but excluding spices. My body gases are odourless. I do the cooking but my new wife loves spices and adds all kinds to her portions, which she says are tasteless. Frankly, her farts are enough to make your eyes water. I have asked her nicely to consider me, but she says holding gas in is not good for her health. Now that we’re married, she farts freely through the apartment and even in our bedroom. How can I get her to stop this, especially in bed? And no, I won’t fight fire with fire.

— Grossed Out, St. James

Dear Grossed Out: It’s interesting what happens after a couple marries and one person, or both, thinks they can do anything since the other person is locked in. That’s not actually so. Suggest she use the free zones, such as the washroom, or just any room where you’re not sitting and breathing, because she loves you. Good luck with that small hope and keep me posted.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have this fantasy of riding my bike naked through the city at night. I want to feel the wind and night air on my body. I don’t want to exhibit myself sexually, I just want to live the increasingly nudist lifestyle I live inside my house.

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I eat a simple whole-food diet, including chicken and fish, but excluding spices. My body gases are odourless. I do the cooking but my new wife loves spices and adds all kinds to her portions, which she says are tasteless. Frankly, her farts are enough to make your eyes water. I have asked her nicely to consider me, but she says holding gas in is not good for her health. Now that we’re married, she farts freely through the apartment and even in our bedroom. How can I get her to stop this, especially in bed? And no, I won’t fight fire with fire.

— Grossed Out, St. James

Dear Grossed Out: It’s interesting what happens after a couple marries and one person, or both, thinks they can do anything since the other person is locked in. That’s not actually so. Suggest she use the free zones, such as the washroom, or just any room where you’re not sitting and breathing, because she loves you. Good luck with that small hope and keep me posted.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have this fantasy of riding my bike naked through the city at night. I want to feel the wind and night air on my body. I don’t want to exhibit myself sexually, I just want to live the increasingly nudist lifestyle I live inside my house.

— Longing for Outdoor Freedom, Southdale

Dear Longing for Outdoor Freedom: The only place you’re going to be able to do this is on a large piece of property you own with trees, hedges and a lock on the gate. Other than that, you could bike ride in the buff in a community of nudists — or naturists. In Manitoba, near Libau, you’ll find the Naturist Legacy Park. Visit their website at naturistlegacy.org. You might want to check it out before it gets too cold to enjoy a breezy bike ride.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m having to say goodbye to my lake love at the end of this month. I live a couple hundred kilometres north and she lives south of Winnipeg, near the United States border. It doesn’t make sense to try to get together once there’s ice and snow and treacherous roads. Last year it was difficult to meet her in Winnipeg at Christmas, but I gave in and went.

Last night, it came out in a pitiful crying session that she would like to get married so we’re always together. I’m actually a happy bachelor. I like my solitude and find it a bit overwhelming having her in the next cabin all summer. The first two months back up north I’m finally relaxed and happy, but then I get to missing her. I sure do miss the loving at night. I wish she was more of a loner like me — then I might be able to ask her to be my wife — but she’s chatty and friendly and she would drive me nuts being there 365 days a year.

I feel like a jerk knowing it’s me that stands in the way of my lady having a real husband, but she says she doesn’t want anybody but me, even if it’s only part of the year. I do write good love letters, if I do say so myself, but I understand she gets the lonelies. I have been like that, on occasion, when the winter lasts too long. Can you think of a compromise?

— True Loner, Northern Manitoba

Dear True Loner: Could she come up north and live near you? Or could you both live south at the lake? If she had you near, she could get busy interacting with other people in the nearest town and following her own interests. She probably has a tendency to want to be very near you all the time in the summer, after missing you all winter. You don’t say how old you are or how you make a living, but I’m guessing you’re 55-plus by your word usage. Is your lady still working? Do you have personal attachments such as family up north? Please write back with more detail. Maybe there’s a compromise yet.

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