Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend’s Christmas list is short this year. He says all he wants is special sex, by that I know he means kinky sex. I am a straight-ahead multi-orgasmic kind of woman, but he says he had girlfriends before who gave him "special" sex.
I don’t even know exactly what he wants, and he won’t say.
He told me to just make it a surprise. I feel like hiring somebody to come over and give him a kinky surprise like a spanking, because I sure don’t know how to do it. What do you suggest?
— Embarrassed Miss Santa, Downtown
Dear Embarrassed Miss Santa: Tell him he won’t be getting special sex unless he’s specific about what he dreams about, then you can decide if you want to try it or not.
Also, make sure you both exchange regular non-sexual Christmas lists as well, in case the special-service sex doesn’t work out.
His fantasies may or may not be all that wild, or they may be crazy! You need to know what kind of atmosphere, actions, and the role-playing he’s longing for.
Also, tell him what you would like in the hearts and flowers area: champagne, a rose-petal trail to the bed, bubble bath, massage, whatever. Make this an equal gifting.
There’s nothing wrong with telling your love partner your secret desires, and seeing if he or she is interested in getting into it, so don’t shame your guy for this.
Nor should you feel embarrassed to express your fantasies.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Three families of relatives are coming to stay at our house for Christmas.
I don’t know if it’s OK to delegate the cooking of different meals, like we do at the lake.
They’re from Saskatchewan, and staying a whole week — and I have to work at my job two or three hours some days.
I invited them all, and it will be great fun. But three meals a day is more than I can handle cooking, planning and paying for to feed 14 people. What do you think?
— Need Help This Year, West End
Dear Need Help This Year: Getting people to sign up for various time slots would be a nicer idea than just delegating, so they can shape their shifts around what they want to do outside the house, too.
Some family will be off with friends for a meal; some panicked folks will still be madly Christmas shopping; while others will be visiting extended family and friends for certain meals.
Breakfast could be a cook-your-own-when-you-wake-up affair, with lots of breakfast foods around ready to cook.
Can your gang go out for pizza together one night, or little ethnic restaurants for a few lunches? Then do sign-ups for the rest.
Of course, Christmas dinner is the biggest effort and will require lots of people to sign up. And don’t forget cleanup crews for meals.
Nobody’s going to be mad at you for not doing all the work.
And, when it’s not your time to be in the kitchen, get out of it and go do errands or visit instead of standing around and fussing.
Get music going, and encourage people to sing and tell jokes when they’re working together.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have double trouble brewing in my life these holidays. I have a major and minor boyfriend this Christmas.
The major one, I thought, was the love of my life until this fall. He has had some trouble being faithful and is strongly hinting about an open relationship to even things up.
I said very little, for or against that idea. I’m a good-looking woman in my late 20s.
So I started looking for, and found, a wonderful new guy I just started seeing — with the knowledge of my boyfriend who’s pretty jealous, although he’s been conducting an open relationship the six months without telling me until he got caught at Halloween.
Today, I got an invitation from my new guy to go to his parents’ place Christmas Day for dinner, and I got the usual invite from my boyfriend to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with him and his family.
My family lives three provinces away.
What should I do about this?
— Nervous Nellie, Wolseley
Dear Nervous Nellie: Do both, since this is now an open relationship. Spend Christmas Eve and some of the day with your boyfriend, and if he’s upset you’re going elsewhere for dinner, oh well.
You can bet he’s got another girlfriend to see.
Don’t feel guilty. He’s the one who started this, and there are prices to be paid.
Consider turfing the old boyfriend. He’ll never make a life partner.
If you want a family and kids, you shouldn’t waste too much more time on guys who are losers in the faithfulness and honesty department.
But Christmas is never a good time to break up — it’s too emotional a time to begin with, so don’t add more to it.
Please send your questions and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., MB, Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6
Read more by Miss Lonelyhearts .