August 12, 2020

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Opinion

Man a marvel at night, but wakes up a monster

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 4/11/2019 (282 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend is an amazing, dominant wizard at night, but wakes up in a truly evil mood every morning, and I don’t enjoy getting up with him and having to "jolly him up" in the morning.

I don’t live with him yet, and I’m not sure how I could. I actually feel sorry for his last girlfriend. She used to cater to him and he’d wake up to a big breakfast cooking and have his precious shower, before he even spoke to her in grunts. I heard this through the grapevine.

I’m still quite fascinated by other aspects of his very sensual personality once he’s been up for a few hours and becomes human.

I can’t afford to go to work in a grouchy mood as I’m a nurse and sick people don’t deserve that. How can I change him and work this relationship to my advantage?

— Nurse Who Loves Her Job, Brandon

Dear Nurse: This man doesn’t deserve to have you there in the morning — or in the evening! Don’t even consider marrying him and subjecting yourself and children you might have to a monster in the morning before they go to school. If he doesn’t like it, let him find another woman who’s willing to play Indulgent Mommy to his Cranky Bad Boy.

You still want him for a while for the sexual fascination? Insist he come to your place and go home later in the evening. Then you can get up, put yourself together in peace, and have a feeling of readiness for your important job.

He hasn’t earned the privilege of waking up beside you, and you shouldn’t be driving home in the dark early mornings to escape him and his bad moods. The women in his life to date, perhaps starting with Mommy, have let him get away with it. Have your way with him, not his!

Also, consider dumping him as soon as you possibly can. There are much nicer sensual men out there, even dominant men when they’re not playing the role.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend was mistreated by his upscale, cocktail-drinking parents — ignored, underrated for his accomplishments and blamed for things he didn’t do. He’s a doll but he just heard a bunch of things about his parents that shocked him, like about their swinging with their group of friends, and he doesn’t know how to process it.

Somehow he’s a decent person, but carries a lot of pain and major disappointments with his family. Is it too late for him to go for counselling in his 40s? They say people don’t change after a certain point.

— Too Late Now? St. Boniface

Dear Too Late: It’s never too late, unless the person has closed their mind to it and won’t even try. People in the business tell me their patients and clients are of all ages, now that the stigma of going to "get your head examined" is pretty much over.

Your boyfriend may never be able to talk to his parents about the issues, but he could untie a lot of knots with a good therapist. There is no better money spent than on your brain and emotions. The improvements in mood simply "show" with family and friends.

After a terrible experience in my mid-20s, I got excellent help that set me up for the rest of my adult life. I have great respect for good people in counselling work of all kinds.

Is he afraid to be seen in someone’s office? One can always hide behind a big broadsheet newspaper in the waiting room!

Some help is free. Psychiatrists are paid for by medicare with a medical doctor’s referral, but there’s a long waiting list. Psychologists can’t prescribe medication like psychiatrists, but can work with one’s problems in much the same way. Then there are social workers and counsellors of many kinds, who often specialize in areas that interest them.

An intelligent, worldly good friend or relative can be a good listener and sounding board, but often they don’t have the training or the solutions. Plus, it isn’t as freeing talking to someone you know as it is having privacy with an outside counsellor.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Twenty-four years ago, I met my third cousin from another province, and we fell in love and got married — totally legal. A friend in our card-playing circle from the lake, which continues all winter in the city, got wind of this fact about us and has started teasing us. He’s referring to us as "the kissing cousins" as if we are in an incestuous relationship. My husband stood up and almost hit him at the last party. Why should we quit this group over this guy? What do you suggest?

— Embarrassed and Angry, West End

Dear Angry: Speak to other people in the group privately and enlist their support. The minute he steps out of line, let them shut him down as a group and he will be finished with his teasing career there. I suspect he may quit attending then. It is the group he was trying to impress by making fun of you, and if he finds himself on the outs over his mean comments, he will be gone.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.

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