September 19, 2020

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Split now down to logistics more than emotion

Opinion

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The kids moved out this summer — sharing a small apartment together — and I have become very jealous of them. There has been no sex in my marriage since our kids were in junior high and I, in my desperation, had a brief affair.

It was short because my wife is like a bloodhound and sniffed it out fairly quickly. She said she’d allow that one mistake but would leave me and take the kids if it ever happened again.

I love those kids — and stayed living with those kids — as I felt they needed me there through high school.

When they left, one of them mentioned "getting away from the tension in the house." That would be between my wife and me! Who knew it was bothering the kids?

So how wise was I to stay after the affair? I’m thinking it may be the time to leave now, but there’s the big house (with a pool) to sell and my wife would try to take our beloved dogs. What do you think about timing? — Puzzling It Out, South Winnipeg

Dear Puzzling: Because your question was simply about timing, it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind to leave. So, this summer is the time to see a lawyer and a good accountant to make plans for the fall.

People don’t like moving in the winter, so you might want to put the big house up for sale before the deep freeze sets in, unless your wife wants to buy you out.

That’s not likely with a huge house, unless she has a man she wants to move in! You never know.  Once the door has opened a crack, an angry partner sometimes pries it open further and walks through.

Fairness has nothing to do with the marriage anymore, especially with no intimacy for years.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a senior (just turned 65) and I’m in a quandary. I need your advice. I’m just on the verge of starting a relationship in these trying times with a somewhat younger woman (she’s 32).

My question is, should I try to start a relationship or not? I’m just concerned about what her friends and family will say.

As for me, I’m too set in my ways and too stubborn to care what people might/will say. But, I’m concerned about her and what people might think and say? Thank you. — Thinking of Her, Winnipeg

Dear Thinking of Her: She’s 32, not 22. If she’s not mature at this point, you shouldn’t be chasing her. What her family and friends will say is her concern, not yours.

Since you’re not already together, how do you know you’ll be starting a relationship? Is there a big mutual attraction?

You might say to her you’re interested in a relationship but are worried about the criticism she might get from her relatives and friends. Then be silent. Wait and see what she has to say about that.

She may be stubborn and willful and not care what people say or think, just like you.

Or she may just want a fling that’s hidden from the world. Hidden relationships hurt if the attraction is more than sexual for either one of the lovers, and they want to introduce their new loved one to everyone they know.

So, talk to her about exactly what worries you. If it frightens her off, better to find out now than later.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a fat man in a briefs-style bathing suit at the beach who plunked himself down on a blanket six feet away from me, raised his big voice and started talking to me as he drank something out of a thermos.

I had come down for a sunset swim and wanted to be left alone. I told him that and I picked up my blanket and went to the other side of the beach.

He grabbed his blanket three minutes later and came after me.

I said, quite startled, "Don’t sit down here!" and he said drunkenly "You just don’t like me because I’m a big guy."

I felt sick. There was no way I’d talk to him, and no one to intervene for me, so I got up and ran into the water and swam out a long way. He gave up and left.

I know this was a silly and perhaps dangerous escape route, but what should I have done? — Running From Trouble, Lake Winnipeg

Dear Running: Picking up your stuff and going to your car when you really wanted to swim might have felt like giving in. But the guy was drinking and it was already evening.

Were there other people on the beach? You might have gone over and sat down with them and explained your problem with this guy. There’s safety in numbers.

Running into the water worked for you. You wanted to swim badly and he left quickly — but what if he had waited for you?

And it certainly wasn’t a great idea if you left anything valuable on the blanket, since he was angry at you for rejecting him and alcohol loosens up inhibitions.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

Each year, the Free Press publishes more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.

Read full biography

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