Message to a bike thief: You suck


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You know that black Devinci Copenhagen bike you wheeled out of my condo’s parking garage one night?

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Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/06/2011 (4171 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

You know that black Devinci Copenhagen bike you wheeled out of my condo’s parking garage one night?

It’s a beauty, eh?

It was mine.

I don’t care why you stole it. Maybe you are dirt poor and only want to put food on the table for your loved ones — although you did manage to come up with the cash for a heavy-duty bolt cutter to sever the steel ring my bike was locked to. Maybe you have a drug habit. Maybe you are just a predatory a-hole; a human parasite, like a tapeworm or a liver fluke. How does that feel?

I cursed you, of course. I called you all sorts of names infinitely less printable than a-hole.

And then I realized: There is a guy worse than you. He’s the guy riding my bike right now.

Why is he worse? Because he’s the guy who thinks he is so special. He’s the guy who thinks he is so smart. Why pay that bike-shop retail price when you can get it wholesale? Ummm… that bike fell off a truck, right? It’s last year’s unsold stock, right?

Yeah, right.

You know it was stolen, buddy, but you let your greed get the better of you.

I don’t know how this works. Did you pick it up on Kijiji? Or did you meet a guy in a bar who took you to a garage full of bikes that fell off a truck and you got to take your pick?

A neighbour who also had her fairly pricey bike stolen a few months earlier said the police told her there are guys with warehouses full of stolen goods. When they run short of high-end bikes or barbecues, they put the word out on the street and the city endures another mini-crime wave.

Whatever. Enjoy the bike. It’s a sweet ride.

Here’s hoping it takes you right down that lovely paved road to hell.

(PS: If you know somebody who started riding a black Devinci Copenhagen bike — possibly with scratch marks where the D-lock was cut off — within the past couple of weeks, do me a favour. Please ask them where they got it. My neighbour and I would really like to know.)


— By David Connors (a downtown-dweller who had to drive his car on Take Your Bike to Work Day)

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