Secret weapon

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/02/2015 (4118 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

You’re the guy, usually staring at his shoes, who always hovers in the very farthest recess of the party, never too far from the punch bowl, hoping — fruitlessly — that tequila and lime will magically conjure up the social courage everyone but you seems to take for granted.

More often, you don’t even bother, you’re at home watching a movie, theatres to be avoided like the plague because you might come into close personal contact with a complete stranger. Shy, bashful and retiring don’t even begin to describe you: You’re The Lonely Guy who sat way at the back of the classroom and whose name no one can remember at the class reunion.

The problem, though, is that, closeted or not, you’re a car nut. You really do want something fun and fast. You just don’t want people to know it’s fun and fast. You thought a silver M3 might do the trick, what with its sedan-y four doors and Plain Jane 3-Series silhouette. But bloody BMW had to go and make it so obvious, tarting up recent editions with all manner of glaring “M” adornments and an exhaust system that is just, well, a little too bold. Still, all that horsepower and a smidgen of German handling would been have nice; you know, for those times when nobody’s looking.

Well, you timorous little introvert, has Audi got a Q-ship for you. It’s got horsepower (333 of them, in fact), a supercharger and gummy-bear tires (big, fat 245/40ZR18s all around). It’s fast in a straight line, fast around corners and, thanks to its Quattro all-wheel-drive system, pretty darned quick even when the weather turns inclement.

Oh, it does have those fancy S-design rims, but you can always say that they were part of a real deal. Even that attention-seeking “S” badge on the trunk lid is but a quick rip of some fishing line and some 3M General Adhesive Cleaner away from blessed anonymity. Shrinking violets of the gearhead world rejoice, your fade-into-the-background ghost car awaits.

Shorn of that brazen S4 badge, Audi’s mid-field super sedan (though we don’t get it, there is a range-topping RS4) is all but indistinguishable from your garden-variety A4. Avoid the Sepang Blue Pearl of my test unit (it’s just a little, well, too fresh) and you have a go-faster S version of the A4 that could get lost in a Costco parking lot.

Even behind the wheel, the S4 smacks of rampant normality. Everything inside is pure, ordinary, I-have-a-little-four-banger-under-the-hood A4. Oh, the six-speed manual transmission might be a giveaway, but you can always proclaim its superior fuel economy, even if, in reality, that argument is about a decade out of date. Besides, you can always opt for Audi’s double-clutched, paddle-shifting S-tronic manumatic, claiming (because most won’t know the difference) that it is just a regular torque-converted automatic.

Even the engine — supercharged though it may be — can be self-effacing, assuming, of course, you’re tactically demure with the loud pedal. Mat the right pedal, on the other hand, and the jig is pretty much up. Although 333 horsepower doesn’t sound like much in these days of 550-hp SUVs, the 325 pound-feet of torque are pretty impressive, especially fortified as they are by supercharged responsiveness. Zero to 100 kilometres an hour takes but 5.1 seconds and, unless your other car is a McLaren MP4-12C, that’s still impressive. Rest assured, your book club friends are going to be mighty jealous.

Even more impressive is the sound Audi’s supercharged 3.0-L engine makes when revved to its 6,800 rpm redline. Then, the hounds are loosed, the exhaust note turns all warbly and, unlike so many of the current sports cars that have to pipe in artificial engine noises to sound authentic, the S4 sounds plenty sporty au naturel.

I can’t tell you how many people stopped mid-Bluetooth to ask, “What are you driving?” as I gassed up the big V6. The S4 might not be quite as powerful as a BMW M3, but it sure sounds like it is, and that, for most people, is the important part.

Indeed, pretty much everything about the S4 feels like M3 lite. More stiffly suspended than the 335i but softer than the M, the little Audi acquits itself admirably on a twisty road where precision and usability matter more than speed and outright grip. The adaptive adjustable suspension can be comfortable if desired, but firm enough to render the S4 a reasonable facsimile of a sports sedan.

The steering, despite being one of those newfangled electrically boosted affairs, is light, yet provides lots of feedback. There’s even Audi’s Quattro all-wheel drive — rear-wheel biased, of course — on hand to ensure that all that rortiness doesn’t have to stop when the snow flies.

As long as you don’t expect it to keep up with the M3 on a racetrack, the S4 is plenty sporty enough, its major faux pas being that driving all four wheels means it weighs in at a fairly portly 1,755 kilograms.

Of course, being an Audi, there is more to the S4 than outright speed. There is also a luxurious cabin not found in other German performance sedans. The materials, as with all recent Audis, are exquisite, panel gaps all but non-existent and the leather sumptuous. The fly in the ointment is that the S4 is now a seven-year-old design and it’s starting to look dated. There’s none of that newfangled Virtual Cockpit TT design to be found here. My Technik-packaged tester had its MMI controller on the centre console rather than the dashboard, but it’s still so last generation.

On the other hand, this top-of-the-line model also adds a 14-speaker Bang & Olufsen audio system and a rear-view camera, both essential ingredients if you want the full luxury experience. It’s still an attractive design, but compared with Audi’s most recent ergonomics, the interior is a tad busy and overwrought.

That would be the S4’s biggest (besides that $58,100 ante that can be quickly bid up to $66,490) downside. Otherwise, it is an exquisitely crafted, fairly speedy performance sedan. And, if you clothe it in Tornado Grey or Ibis White, nobody will be the wiser.

–Postmedia Network Inc. 2015