
Doug Speirs
Columnist
Doug Speirs’ humour column, In the Doug House, has appeared on Page 2 of the Winnipeg Free Press at least three times a week since 2006. No one is exactly sure why.
Doug has held almost every job at the newspaper — reporter, city editor, night editor, tour guide, hand model — and his colleagues are confident he’ll eventually find something he is good at.
In his columns, Doug strives to focus on the vital issues of the day, but generally ends up writing about himself and his family, especially his two dogs, because he isn’t overly fond of getting out of bed or leaving the house.
For column fodder, he has tried his hand at everything from barrel racing to playing Santa Claus for hundreds of screaming schoolchildren on a jumbo jet to performing with Canada’s top Elvis impersonators. He also bravely writes about the weather every Saturday, pets every second Tuesday and writes a new column, Speiriscope, in Saturday’s 49.8 section.
No topic is too small to escape Doug’s keen journalistic eye, especially if it involves his infamous war with the army of mice living in his basement or his frequent run-ins with public relations professionals who are just trying to do their jobs.
He is also known for columns on quirky news events, his insights on raising teenagers, his helpful insights on the key differences between men and women and his penchant for spending up to three hours floating in the bathtub.
Doug was born in Vancouver and still worships the B.C. Lions. Despite this flaw, readers find him approachable, especially in the checkout aisles at crowded grocery stores. He was a finalist at the 2008 National Newspaper Awards for column writing.
He and his wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, have two children, neither of whom thinks he is the least bit funny.
Recent articles by Doug Speirs
Bidding fond farewell to a career full of hilarity and hijinx
5 minute read Preview Sunday, Jan. 1, 2023A valuable lesson from the book of Bogey
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Dec. 24, 2022Columnist really nailing the holiday spirit
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Dec. 17, 2022I’m dreaming of a grape Krampus, just like the ones I used to know
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Dec. 10, 2022It’s shortly after noon on a frigid Tuesday and I’m sitting in the food court at The Forks Market enjoying lunch with one of my favourite holiday companions, Krampus.
What’s in a name? Whatever you call your pet is still just as sweet
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Dec. 3, 2022Ho, ho, hold on a minute
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2022Dazzle fellow fans with loopy Grey Cup lore
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Nov. 19, 2022Love for CFL’s toothless Lions brings torment, taunting
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Nov. 12, 2022I was lounging on the couch in our den Monday afternoon when, suddenly and without warning, a text popped up on my cellphone.
I, for one, welcome our new feline overlord
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Nov. 5, 2022There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to blurt it out — my family is going to the dark side!
You can have my candy when you pry it out of my zombie hands
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 29, 2022Once upon a time… a columnist turned into a puddle of goo
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 22, 2022Grab a book and prepare to curl up on the carpet, kids, because today we are heading to the library for family storytime.
It’s a dog-eat-remote-control world
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 15, 2022In the high-pressure world of big-time journalism, your classic dog-bites-man story doesn’t grab many headlines.
Tables work their magic with dementia patients
7 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 8, 2022It’s a dog-eat-pumpkin-spice world… and I’m wearing whipped-cream underwear
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 1, 2022When it comes to style, I’m just playing ketchup
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 24, 2022Regular readers will not be surprised to hear that, for most of my life, I have been a self-styled slob.
Tims’ cookie campaign something to smile about
4 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 17, 2022Three dog nights over: Joy returns to Doug’s world
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 10, 2022Our three dog nights are about to end — and I could not be more relieved.
Now matter how you slice it, bacon’s worth celebrating
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 3, 2022Of all the special days on the calendar, today is arguably the most special of them all.
Vancouver visit turns into Hitchcock meets Animal House
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 27, 2022It was a sweltering afternoon in Vancouver and I was doing what I do every time I visit the West Coast — sweating like a Butterball turkey on Thanksgiving.
Raising a glass to 102 great years of great-auntie Ann
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 20, 2022One year of grandparenthood couldn’t feel finer
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 13, 2022Cool level red-hot thanks to hand-me-down shades
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 6, 2022A kayak? This landlubber’s good on the dock, thanks
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 30, 2022Golfer? Sure. I bucketed a birdie and an eagle just last week
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 23, 2022An inspiring story to elevate the soul, rung by rung
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 16, 2022What with all the depressing news weighing everyone down, today I’d like to share an uplifting story that I’ve decided to call The Little Red Ladder That Could.
I should point out that I didn’t make up this story; it was related to me by my good buddy Joe Grande, the ebullient and longtime owner of Mona Lisa Ristorante Italiano on Corydon Avenue.
Joe shared his deeply moving tale this week while he and I were sitting in the back seat of my car, Joe’s wife was in the passenger seat, and my spouse, She Who Must Not Be Named, was at the wheel, driving us to a friend’s birthday party in the picturesque town of Niverville, about 42 kilometres south of Winnipeg.
So there we were, Joe and I, relaxing in the back seat, with me twiddling my thumbs in boredom while Joe stared with laser-like intensity at his cellphone because he was determined to discover what would officially be considered “the worst word in the world.”
Sit! Stay! Fetch a new future for dogs!
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 9, 2022I’m not what you would call a big fan of tennis, but I did spend a fair bit of time lying on the couch last week watching the action at Wimbledon unfold on the new 65-inch TV in my den.
I found the traditional back and forth at the world’s most famous Grand Slam tournament to be moderately interesting, but as a dedicated sports fan I felt something important was missing from this year’s event.
As most sports-loving readers have already deduced, I am talking about dogs.
For those of you who have spent the past few weeks hiding in a drainpipe, you will be surprised to learn that this year’s edition of Wimbledon came within a whisker of — prepare to begin howling with excitement — going to the dogs.
War of stumping stumps will have many battles
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 2, 2022Heroism, not mine, saves day from pizza inferno
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 25, 2022For the record, I wasn’t trying to burn down my house on a day that was already so hot birds were bursting into flames in mid-air.
No, what I was trying to do was feed my friends and family on a scorching Father’s Day by firing up my portable, wood-fired pizza oven in the back yard.
Spoiler alert: Things did not go as planned.
So there I was Sunday evening, sweating like a Butterball turkey on Thanksgiving, busily stuffing tiny bits of hardwood into the fire box of the stainless steel pizza oven I’d been given last year for my 65th birthday.
Workplace pet perks could help staff sit — and stay
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 18, 2022Fighting for a real miracle, and finally keeping the pink ball
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 11, 2022I do not know what you were doing on Monday afternoon, but I was witnessing a miracle.
This miraculous moment took place at Bridges Golf Course about 40 kilometres southwest of Winnipeg where for the 13th year I bravely caddied in the Pink Ribbon Ladies Golf Classic for Hope, the largest women-only golf tournament in the province.
This is the tournament wherein each of the 36 four-woman teams is assigned a hairy-legged person of my gender as a caddie to cater to their every whim, a manly man who not only keeps score, lines up putts, retrieves errant balls and fetches cold beverages, but does it while wearing a golf shirt so shockingly pink circus clowns would refuse to wear one on the grounds it was beneath their dignity.
Every year, at the start of this fundraising tournament, each team is handed a pink golf ball that they have to tee off with on every hole. The genius concept is that if you still have your pink ball at the end of the day, you drop it in a big pink bucket for a chance at winning a really swell prize.
Ten not-so-easy steps to get your dog to take a pill
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 4, 2022Now that tick season is upon us, today’s helpful topic is: How to get your dog to swallow a pill.
This became a serious issue for me this week when I attempted to get our two fluffy white dogs to swallow pills designed to protect them from the blood-sucking ticks lurking in our back yard.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Seriously, Doug, there are only two steps for giving a pill to a dog: 1) Wrap it in bacon; 2) Toss it in the air.”
Well, that is true with the vast majority of food-motivated dogs, such as our emergency backup mutt Juno, who would devour an entire gazelle if you wrapped it in bacon and tossed it in the air, despite the fact she has only two crooked teeth left in her head.
Living — or at least dreaming — the life of an action hero
5 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 28, 2022Six months into retirement, my life is more exciting than ever.
That’s because at the tender age of 65 I have been transformed into an action hero — at least in my dreams.
When I was younger, my dreams were decidedly dull. For example, I can clearly recall one dream that consisted entirely of me visiting Eaton’s to buy a pair of winter gloves. No thrills, no spills, no X-rated content. Just buying a pair of (bad word) gloves.
But it would be putting it mildly to say things have changed now that I have more time on my hands. Now — and the bumps and bruises on my body are proof of this — it appears as if my dreams are trying to kill me.
Backward your syntax must be before like Yoda can you talk
5 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 21, 2022Water off a Doug’s back
5 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 14, 2022Attention must be paid when TV’s red lights of doom start blinking
5 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 7, 2022I have no wish to wallow in self-pity, but I think you should know my wife and I barely survived a crisis last weekend when the third Colorado low in three weeks smacked this province head-on.
I am not talking about the fact that we had to run the submersible pump in our back yard for three consecutive days to prevent an ocean of melted snow and rainwater from pouring into our basement.
No, I am talking about something even more horrifying. What I am trying to say — and I recommend you sit down before reading this next part — is that, as rain thundered down and the NHL playoffs were getting under way, the beloved big-screen TV in our den dropped dead.
It is difficult to describe the anguish of having your favourite appliance suddenly give up the ghost at a time when it is unsafe to leave the comfort of your den, but I will try: It was really, really horrible!
Deep, deep dive into the dangers of outhouses
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 30, 2022Turns out you want a surgeon who’s Thunderstruck after all
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 23, 2022Winter storm just another notch in our blizzard belts
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 16, 2022Joy and terror in the time of grandparenthood
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 9, 2022I can tell you from personal experience that being a grandparent definitely has its moments.
But today’s column is not about the fact that my new granddaughter, Ivy, is the most remarkable infant in the known universe.
No, today’s column is about some of the magical moments experienced by my plucky sister-in-law Shelley, who recently returned from spending two months visiting her two young grandsons in Australia.
Prepare to have your heartstrings tugged, because Shelley agreed to share two especially heart-touching grandparent moments with me the other day during a family brunch at the Qualico Family Centre in Assiniboine Park.
Hapless columnist to mimic flightless bird
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 26, 2022It seems like every other day scientists are breathlessly announcing they have discovered ice somewhere else in our solar system.
They’ve famously detected icy deposits on other planets, on moons, in comets, even in the gigantic rings of Saturn.
Q: Is that scientifically awesome, or what?
A: NO! Sorry, I hate to throw your sense of wonder into the deep freeze, but the scientific truth is we have so much (bad word) ice on this planet that the last thing we need to do is waste time wandering around the galaxy looking for more.
Fifty shades of… periwinkle?
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 19, 2022Given the exceedingly grim nature of the world at the moment, I suspect we could all use a little happy news.
Fortunately, I have two upbeat nuggets to share with you today, starting with the fact that, if you look out your window right now, you will notice that the gigantic snowbanks sealing you off from the rest of the world are about half a centimetre smaller than they were the day before.
That’s because the March equinox — the astronomical first day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere — rolls into Winnipeg Sunday morning at precisely 10:32 a.m., meaning the coldest and snowiest winter in modern memory is finally drawing to a close.
As if that wasn’t enough to thaw your frozen spirits, the second upbeat nugget is even better — the fact there is just one more sleep until the season of rebirth and renewal arrives means it’s time once again for Mr. Doug’s Annual Spring Fashion Report.
Max McGee would have approved
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 12, 2022From poop to pits: sniffing out a business opportunity
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 5, 2022Over the almost 40 years I spent in the newspaper business, I like to think I developed a nose for news, an innate ability to sniff out big stories.
Now that I’m mostly retired, however, I need to retrain my journalistic nostrils to track down other ways to make a little extra cash in my spare time.
Which explains why I became so excited last week when, while randomly Googling words on the home computer, I stumbled on multiple news reports explaining how I can employ my highly trained nose to earn more than $6,000 in just two months.
You will think I am making this up, but it seems a plant-based pet food company in Britain is making headlines around the world by offering to pay a dog owner more than $6,000 to switch their canine’s diet for two months and — you might want to sit down before reading this next bit — keep track of their pet’s poop smells.
Squirrels are the cutest, furriest terrorists you might ever meet
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 26, 2022Coffee, tea… or concussion?
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 19, 2022Mandate this, winter!
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 12, 2022You’ll never guess who just discovered the joy of winter
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 5, 2022This probably will not surprise longtime readers, but I am not one of those hardy Manitobans who courageously embraces outdoor activities during the winter months.
No, I am one of those surly people who bravely embraces their blankets and then pulls them over their head and refuses to get out of bed when the temperature plummets to the point where your medically valuable organs freeze if you are foolish enough to venture outside.
In contrast, my wife cannot get enough of “fun” winter activities, such as cross-country skiing and walking and building snow persons and sitting around the backyard fire pit with a steaming mug of hot chocolate while snow accumulates on the top of her head.
Which explains why every Sunday morning, while I hide under the covers, my wife will join up with our outdoorsy friends Cathy and Paul to engage in some manner of winter adventure. Last Sunday, as I pretended to be asleep, my spouse flicked on the lights and explained it was time for me to get up.
Is that a guitar in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 29, 2022It wasn’t exactly the crime of the century, but it still managed to make headlines around the world.
That’s because this heist highlighted what appears to be the newest criminal trend — thieves making slow-motion getaways after stuffing stolen items down their pants.
In the most recent case, York Regional Police are searching for a man who wandered into a music store in Richmond Hill, Ont., on Dec. 20 and stole an $8,000 guitar by stashing it in his “extremely large, baggy pants.”
Surveillance video shows the culprit — who was wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs baseball cap, by the way — sitting on a stool in the store and sliding the neck of the $8,000 Gibson Custom Shop 60th Anniversary ‘59 Les Paul standard electric guitar down his pants and concealing the body under his jacket.
Shovelling kid proves heroes come in all shapes and sighs
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 22, 2022Just when he thought he was out, the treadmill pulls him back in
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 15, 2022In with the new, out with the weird
7 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 8, 2022Sparkling salute to Riverview’s ‘culture of kindness’
5 minute read Preview Friday, Dec. 24, 2021Polar bear express was senior’s dream come true
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Dec. 18, 2021Two anniversaries, one man’s dream to stay connected
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Dec. 11, 2021When it comes to a granddaughter, Doug’s in the Ivy leagues
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Dec. 4, 2021Variety’s Winter Wonderland returns, brings holiday cheer to children
5 minute read Preview Monday, Nov. 22, 2021In search of comfort from other legendary losers
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 30, 2021Blood, sweat and Speirs
6 minute read Preview Friday, Oct. 29, 2021Caring columnist tries to carve his way to victory
4 minute read Preview Wednesday, Oct. 27, 2021Candy-corn ‘franken-weenie’ a monstrous creation
5 minute read Preview Monday, Oct. 25, 2021What with there being only six sleeps left until Halloween, I strongly suggest you drop everything — unless it’s a baby or a hot cup of coffee — and head to the store to stock up on candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters, assuming you get any this year.
As soon as I finish writing these words, I personally will be driving to the grocery store to purchase several hundred miniature chocolate bars, despite the fact that last year, the first Halloween of the coronavirus pandemic, we didn’t have a single ghost or goblin or pint-sized Donald Trump darkening our doorway and demanding sugary goodness.
The rule in our house — one that I made up and strictly enforce — is that any leftover Halloween candy can be consumed by the resident newspaper columnist without being forced to endure unwarranted abuse or taunting from any member of his family, including the dogs.
I’m hoping this year we will get some physically distanced kids so my wife will once again experience the joy of doling out treats with kitchen tongs, or possibly a hockey stick, as recommended last Halloween by Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief pubic health officer.
Orange you glad you’re not a pathetic Lions fan?
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 23, 2021Putting a price on innocent lives
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 23, 2021We are not amused: Queen told to ditch nightly tipple
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2021It’s a tough spell for official wizards
5 minute read Preview Monday, Oct. 18, 2021Shatner inspired tin-foil rocketeers of all ages
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021Misery in the music
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021Time to make skeeters Manitoba’s official insect
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2021Before we get to today’s topic, which is paying tribute to the blood-sucking mosquito, I want to give a shout out to the provincial government for honouring Manitoba’s most famous, fearsome and furry resident.
As most of you already know, last week Manitoba’s government introduced legislation to designate the polar bear, the world’s largest living land carnivore, as an official provincial emblem.
“Northern Manitoba is known internationally for its polar bears, tourists come from around the globe to see and learn about these majestic animals in their natural habitat in Churchill,” our caretaker premier, Kelvin Goertzen, announced in a news release Friday.
“Recognizing the polar bear as an official symbol of Manitoba would help build on our province’s brand as the ‘polar bear capital of the world’ and a must-see, one-of-a-kind tourism attraction for visitors of all ages.”
A little pizza advice
5 minute read Preview Tuesday, Oct. 12, 2021Too much or never enough? Meat-scented gift ideas
5 minute read Preview Monday, Oct. 11, 2021I was just starting to nod off the other night when my wife bolted upright in bed.
“I think I smell something,” she sniffed, flicking the light on in our bedroom. “It smells like smoke!”
Which is when she climbed out of bed and slowly began wandering around our bedroom, testing the air until finally she hovered directly over my weary head and inhaled deeply.
“It’s your… hair!” is what she chirped with surprise. “Your hair smells like a burning fireplace.”
Bees gone bad
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 9, 2021Manitobans buck national beer trend
5 minute read Preview Tuesday, Oct. 5, 2021Bowling for dollars: toilet thefts baffle cops
5 minute read Preview Monday, Oct. 4, 2021VP of bark-eting
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 2, 2021Is the foil on a little tight, Doug?
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 29, 2021Being a crusading newspaper columnist, I am always on the lookout for hip and happening new trends to check out.
Which explains why the other day I decided to wrap my feet in aluminum foil.
There I was, parked in front of the home computer, perusing random sites on the internet, when I stumbled on a website with this intriguing headline: “Try wrapping your feet in aluminum foil!”
The website, tips-and-tricks.co, featured a story about all the cool things you can do with aluminum foil, such as getting rid of static cling, sharpening your scissors, and ironing clothes when you don’t have time to iron your clothes.
Trying to get a handle on 65 candles
6 minute read Preview Monday, Sep. 27, 2021I don’t know how I managed it, but somehow I have gone from being the youngest person in our newsroom to the oldest.
Back in 1982, there I was, a bright-eyed rookie reporter, sitting in our old building on Carlton Street, wearing a super-skinny leather tie that was in style at the time and a pair of jeans with a (wait for it) 32-inch waist.
I was 26 years old at the time and, despite the fact we did not have cellphones or the ability to Google random facts, 1982 was an amazing time to be a young person.
A guy named Trudeau was sitting in the prime minister’s chair, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was doing blockbuster business at the box office, Michael Jackson’s Thriller was rocketing to the top of the charts, Argentina and the U.K. went to war over the Falkland Islands, and Queen Elizabeth flew over to help proclaim the Constitution Act on a rainy day in Ottawa, helping to make us fully independent of Great Britain.
It’s time to squash pervasive pumpkin-spice trend
4 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 25, 2021Public service, private matters
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 25, 2021So long summer; bring on autumn’s charms
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 22, 2021I hate shrieking at readers in all caps, but there’s something I need to share as loudly as possible — SUMMER IS OVER!
Seriously, summer will vanish at 2:20 p.m. today when, astronomically speaking, the autumnal equinox rolls into town to signal the first official day of fall.
For those of you who do not own white lab coats and pocket protectors, the equinox is the precise moment that the sun crosses the celestial equator — you know, the imaginary line in the sky above the Earth’s equator — from north to south, and vice versa in March.
It marks the two times each year (spring and fall) when day and night are roughly the same length because the sun shines directly on the equator, which will mean something if you are reading today’s column while standing on the equator, but otherwise, never mind.
A plurality of pepperoni, if you please
5 minute read Preview Monday, Sep. 20, 2021Prepare to become extremely excited, kids, because the big day is finally here.
As most of you already know, today, Sept. 20, is (insert dramatic pause here) National Pepperoni Pizza Day, the day on which we are urged to celebrate by ordering a pizza the size and shape of a manhole cover.
“Pepperonis are the indisputable king of the pizza topping world, and for good reason — everyone likes pepperoni pizza!” gushes the website nationaltoday.com. “Looking for a crowd pleaser? Pizza’s your go-to. Why? Well, because only one in 50 people surveyed hate it. There might not be anything else in the world that 98 per cent of people agree on!”
Speaking of pizza, I hasten to add that today also happens to be — and I have heard this from reliable sources that almost never lie to me — the date of the federal election.
The ring is the thing
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 18, 2021Me, hate cute little squirrels? You must be nuts
4 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 18, 2021When the cookies crumble, children benefit
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 15, 2021Wasp magnetism key to being bocce MVP
5 minute read Preview Monday, Sep. 13, 2021Another harebrained scheme comes up short
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 15, 2021Beasts a-blurtin’
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 11, 2021If it walks like a duck and talks like a human, chances are it’s getting scientists very excited and making headlines around the world.
For the record, we’re not talking about Donald or Daffy or some other cartoon duck. No, we’re talking about recordings of an Australian musk duck named “Ripper” repeatedly saying what sounds like “you bloody fool.”
The 34-year-old recording, recently made public, appears to be the first documented evidence of the species being able to mimic sounds and has researchers reviewing the evolution of vocal language learning in birds.
According to news reports, Ripper, a male musk duck reared in captivity at Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve, southwest of Canberra, was recorded vocalizing the sound of doors slamming shut as well as the words “you bloody fool,” a phrase he likely learned from his caretaker.
The grass is always greener when it’s artificial
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 8, 2021The good news is that my famously lousy lawn is now entirely green.
The bad news — and all you home and garden enthusiasts will appreciate this — is that it is now two distinct shades of green.
For the record, the portions of my lawn made up of real grass are, thanks to the recent intense rains, the sort of soothing green that is found in nature.
But in my back yard, in the spot where our giant inflatable pool used to sit, there is what appears to be a gigantic crop circle that is the same sort of electric green you would normally find on a miniature golf course.
At long last, pair of beer-related mysteries solved
5 minute read Preview Tuesday, Sep. 7, 2021Now that they have finally solved most of the mysteries of the known universe, scientists finally have enough time on their hands to focus on things that really matter.
As most of you educated readers have already deduced, I am referring to the two great mysteries that have surrounded the consumption of beer since the first pint was poured.
I do not wish to crack open my own six-pack, so to speak, but I personally have a pretty amazing journalistic track record when it comes to solving beer-related mysteries.
For instance, in 2019, it was my readers who helped author and Canadian Football League historian Paul Woods track down the mysterious fan who flung a beer can from the stands at the 1991 Grey Cup in Winnipeg, narrowly missing Raghib “Rocket” Ismail of the Toronto Argonauts as he raced into the end zone to score the game-clinching touchdown.
Let’s face it… today is a pretty big, hairy deal
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 4, 2021No match for Momma
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 4, 2021Wasps! Run for the… couch
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 1, 2021A beef with boundary-breaking bovines
5 minute read Preview Monday, Aug. 30, 2021I was tickled pink to caddie for these Twisted Sisters
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 28, 2021Paralympic titans
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 28, 2021Strolling for the gold is no cakewalk
5 minute read Preview Monday, Aug. 9, 2021My ugly, smelly, old fridge is out to get me
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 7, 2021I don’t normally find myself seething with rage as I flip through the pages of Reader’s Digest, but this time I couldn’t help myself.
What triggered my overflowing anger was an enlightening article entitled “Seven Ways You’re Shortening the Life of Your Refrigerator.”
It contained helpful tips on things you should — or shouldn’t — do if you want to ensure your fridge enjoys a long and healthy life in your kitchen.
For instance, Tip No. 7 — “You ignore weird noises or constant running” — explained that if your fridge is always running, or running louder than usual, you should take action right away.
These Olympians deserve a medal for sportsmanship
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 7, 2021Tail definitely wags the dog in this household
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Aug. 4, 2021There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m going to just blurt it out — I am home alone!
I am not looking for sympathy, but my beloved spouse, She Who Must Not Be Named, is spending a couple of days relaxing at a cottage at the lake with her sister and a few close friends.
What that means — and you are going to have a hard time believing this — is that our two small white fluffy dogs and I have been left to our own devices, so to speak.
Again, I am not looking for sympathy, but I am not entirely sure my survival skills are equal to the task in the sense that operating any of the high-tech labour-saving devices in our home (other than the big-screen TV) is pretty much beyond my limited capabilities.
Faster, higher, stronger? How about weepier?
5 minute read Preview Tuesday, Aug. 3, 2021It appears to be leap year in frog-infested yard
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 31, 2021There has been a lot of high jumping going on at my house over the past week.
No, I’m not referring to the stunning displays of athleticism playing out on the big-screen TV in my den, where I have been spending all of my free time watching athletes in Spider-Man-style Spandex suits strutting their stuff at the Tokyo Summer Olympics.
And, no, I am not referring to high-jumping grasshoppers, although we are currently hip deep in those plant-eating pests.
What I am referring to is the fact that our backyard has been invaded by an army of frogs of biblical proportions.
Olympians crossed the sportsmanship line with bites, kicks and brawls
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 31, 2021Robot revolution may be on hold after all
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jul. 28, 2021Cool comfort more than worth the cost
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jul. 26, 2021I would like to begin today’s column with the following expression of unfettered joy: “Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!”
That upbeat icy statement is inspired by the fact that, for the first time in over three (very bad word) weeks, the inside of my house does not feel like an oven.
In fact, as I write these words on the home computer, I am feeling chilly to the point where I may have to swap my Bermuda shorts for a pair of fuzzy sweatpants.
That’s because a few minutes ago our beloved air-conditioning guy, Gerry, finished the final tweaks on our brand new AC unit, which replaced the 32-year-old system that dropped dead the day before Canada Day.
Mischievous mongrel unleashes flurry of worry
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 24, 2021Drones fun for some, flying terror for others
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 24, 2021Toothy predators could use some positive PR
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jul. 21, 2021Flying cars pave way for airborne road rage
4 minute read Preview Monday, Jul. 12, 2021Will England be in a pickle without Pickles?
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 10, 2021The wurst of times
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 10, 2021Cleanliness is next to grill godliness
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jul. 7, 2021Cold comfort in AC unit’s untimely demise
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jul. 5, 2021Getting the gift of the (second) jab
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 3, 2021These icons hit the half-century club this year
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 3, 2021Pinnacle pups down to personal preference
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jun. 28, 2021The needle and the (hearing) damage done
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 26, 2021Out, standing in their fields
12 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 26, 2021Children's Rehabilitation Foundation's top exec reflects on gratifying career
11 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jun. 23, 2021Around the world, some unique prizes are up for grabs for getting your jabs
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jun. 23, 2021Singing the praises of the summer solstice
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 19, 2021This MVP’s a shocker
12 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 19, 2021Smart machines have met their match
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jun. 14, 2021Delivering the naked truth is a newsman’s duty
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021Fingers, meet face
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021Of Stephen King, sleepless nights and thunderous terror
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jun. 9, 2021I was reading an interview with iconic horror author Stephen King in the Wall Street Journal’s magazine the other morning when, suddenly and without warning, I was engulfed by a wave of terror and rage.
For the record, in the interview, the famed writer talked about the new TV adaptation of his book Lisey’s Story, and shared how important getting a good night’s sleep is for someone who makes a living writing.
“I usually get about six hours a night, sometimes seven. But I also try to take a nap in the afternoon, about an hour,” King said of his sleep schedule. “So I’m going to say I get maybe seven and a half hours of sleep in a 24-hour period.”
When I read those words — which I was only able to do because my eyelids were propped open with toothpicks — I was transformed from an easygoing newspaper columnist into a seething rage monster.
Healthier choices are surely within reach
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jun. 7, 2021I know that I have a tendency to exaggerate wildly, but the truth is this is something that happens to me all the time.
It happened again, suddenly and without warning, late last week as I bravely pushed my little shopping cart up and down the aisles of our local grocery store.
As I strolled, heroically ignoring shelves groaning with cookies and other sugary delights, I heard a plaintive voice crying out from behind my back.
“Sir! Sir! Sir!” the voice called out. “Can you please help me?”
The deafening silence of Trump
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 5, 2021Playing chicken
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 5, 2021Companies team up to grant polar bear-loving senior her dream getaway
6 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jun. 2, 2021No moonshot complete without a double-double
5 minute read Preview Monday, May. 31, 2021Reprobate tree rodents truly out to get us
5 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 29, 2021Mickelson in good company among middle-aged athletes with championship performances
10 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 29, 2021Manitoba's oldest lawyer, 95, has been doling out legal advice for seven decades
11 minute read Preview Friday, May. 28, 2021A day you can really sink your teeth into
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, May. 26, 2021Milking a dog-tased-for-biting-cow story for all it’s worth
5 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 22, 2021There is a famous bit of journalistic wisdom that states: When a dog bites a man it’s not newsworthy because it happens all the time.
Using the same logic, however, it is considered newsworthy when the story is turned on its head and the man is the one doing the biting instead of the dog.
“It’s News! Man Bites Dog,” the Reuters news agency chirped in a yarn about a man chomping on a mutt in December 2007.
It goes without saying that the weirder the circumstances surrounding the biting, the more newsworthy the story becomes.
Burned into memory
11 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 22, 2021Winnipeg Foundation's first Indigenous, two-spirit CEO to help build brighter future
11 minute read Preview Tuesday, May. 18, 2021We’re too sexy for our city
5 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 15, 2021The sky is falling! Not joking!
10 minute read Preview Friday, May. 14, 2021The old porcelain potty makes a perfect planter
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, May. 12, 2021What with being trapped in the surging third wave of a global pandemic amid heightened public health restrictions, today seems like the perfect time to talk about toilets.
As regular readers are already aware, I am something of self-styled expert when it comes to the important role commodes play in modern society.
Over the years, I have written dozens of hard-hitting columns on toilets, including major contests wherein you can win a toilet equipped with a big-screen TV and state-of-the-art stereo system; motion-activated night lights that transform your toilet into a 1970s-style disco ball; and the gripping story of a Canadian stuntwoman who set a world record a few years back for being the fastest person on a toilet after equipping her throne with wheels and an engine and racing it at a speed of 75 km/h around Sydney Olympic Park in Australia.
Today, however, I want to talk about a growing trend wherein hip gardeners fill their old commodes with soil and flowers and plant them on their lawns in a sincere and humanitarian effort to make their neighbours hate them.
Long live incomprehensible genius of Louie Louie
5 minute read Preview Monday, May. 3, 2021Hospital parking hits a nerve
6 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 1, 2021And the award for Best Cringeworthy Awards Speech goes to…
11 minute read Preview Saturday, May. 1, 2021Rise of machines may mean we’re toast
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2021Hospital parking fees sting like bees
5 minute read Preview Monday, Apr. 26, 2021Vaccine supersite works smoothly as columnist gets Pfizered in the arm
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 24, 2021Playing the long game
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 24, 2021It's a ruff job, but these marvellous mutts ready to put it all on the line for Busch
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2021Hope in the cards
5 minute read Preview Monday, Apr. 19, 2021Thompson boy among the lucky who've escaped sinkhole tragedy
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 17, 2021This Mountie always gets her dog
8 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 17, 2021Seniors walking, pedalling and wheeling to raise money, earn virtual travel experiences
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2021Grilled cheese gone bananas
5 minute read Preview Monday, Apr. 12, 2021Bewildering bids
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 10, 2021Madam Speaker, I rise to relay a big, hairy apology from…
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 10, 2021Scottish society pipes in kilt clan recruits
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Apr. 7, 2021Let’s send the mullet back to the ’80s
5 minute read Preview Monday, Apr. 5, 2021Turnssss out I can ssssee the future
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Apr. 3, 2021Qaumajuq an inspiring bridge to northern culture
5 minute read Preview Thursday, Apr. 1, 2021Don’t fret, your Roomba will return… but not to vacuum!
5 minute read Preview Monday, Mar. 29, 2021Staff transform paper bags into bundles of breakfast joy for residents
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 27, 2021High-voltage horror
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 27, 2021Keeping furry frequent fliers in check
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Mar. 24, 2021Dogs are good at playing fetch, not playing chauffeur
5 minute read Preview Monday, Mar. 22, 2021Spring into action with this egg-citing news
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 20, 2021Sit? Lie down? How about 'paint another lovely abstract, you furry genius?'
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 20, 2021Standup guy marks year-long commitment to daily storytime for kids
7 minute read Preview Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2021Keep ‘sleep thieves’ away from that hour hand
5 minute read Preview Monday, Mar. 15, 2021Behind every Great One…
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 13, 2021Winnipeg's tallest building is nearing completion
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 13, 2021Who needs vibrant colours when you have grey, yellow?
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2021Culinary desecrators deserve hard time
5 minute read Preview Monday, Mar. 8, 2021Creatures comfort for new humane society head
7 minute read Preview Monday, Mar. 8, 2021Star-struck
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Mar. 6, 2021Grade 6 kids have warm, wise cures for COVID blues
7 minute read Preview Wednesday, Mar. 3, 2021With apologies to Forrest Gump, asking young children for serious advice in the middle of a pandemic is like a box of chocolates — you never know what you’re going to get.
I know this is for a fact because late last week I spent more than an hour with the wise-beyond-their-years kids in teacher Marlene van der Zweep’s Grade 6 class at St. Alphonsus School in East Kildonan.
I visited the school for I Love to Read Month in the sense I appeared on a video-conferencing app, which allowed me to talk while the students stared at gigantic versions of my head on huge screens at the front of two classrooms.
In exchange for visiting schools, I always make the students write something to find out what’s on their minds. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I gave them this weighty assignment — write a letter describing how to cheer someone up in the middle of a global pandemic.
Robot revolution starts with Rusty Nail
5 minute read Preview Monday, Mar. 1, 2021Take the p-p-p-plunge!
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 27, 2021Honour thy polar bear
12 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 27, 2021Rascally rodent’s death a smelly, couch-ruining affair
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Feb. 24, 2021Quit yelling, Peloton; forget to put Poise in your pants?
5 minute read Preview Monday, Feb. 22, 2021A glass of Pinot the same vintage as that hotdog, please
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 20, 2021Cuppa d’oh!
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 20, 2021Officially dull and boring, and I couldn’t be happier
6 minute read Preview Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2021Humble reporter was true go-to guy
6 minute read Preview Monday, Feb. 15, 2021Straight from the heart
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 13, 2021Put some lust on a plate for your love-ah
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 13, 2021Armed squirrels? That’s just nuts!
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Feb. 10, 2021My era is finally upon us… I’m a bore!
5 minute read Preview Monday, Feb. 8, 2021Winnipeggers' $60-M windfall impressive, but there have been bigger jackpots
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Feb. 6, 2021Former news anchor Gord Leclerc charts new path with his own reno company
9 minute read Preview Thursday, Feb. 4, 2021I made the short list for governor general! And I’m on it!
6 minute read Preview Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2021I had a little spare time on my hands this week so I decided to perform a valuable public service in the form of floating a few potential candidates for the vacant governor general’s post.
Unless you have been hiding in a drain pipe for the past month, you will already know that Julie Payette is no longer governor general because it turns out she really didn’t want to be governor general in the first place.
By all accounts, when it comes to carrying out the duties and responsibilities of the Queen’s representative in Canada, Payette was an excellent astronaut, because she’s great working in a vacuum.
In considering potential replacements, it is important to keep in mind precisely what a governor general is expected to do. So if anyone reading today’s newspaper knows exactly what that is, please send us an email.
Finding our place in the binge-watching pack
6 minute read Preview Monday, Feb. 1, 2021Not a lotta love for Pink Candy KD
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 30, 2021Tail to the chief
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 30, 2021Giving voice to my inner Scotsman
6 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jan. 27, 2021St. Vital woman's frozen polar bears nab her a slot on Live with Kelly and Ryan
6 minute read Preview Tuesday, Jan. 26, 2021Hello, Joe, it’s me, Canada
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jan. 25, 2021It’s hockey night in snowplow land
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 23, 2021Like most hockey-mad Manitobans, I could not be more happy that the new NHL season is underway, even if our Jets are only playing 56 games in a pandemic-reduced schedule against strictly Canadian opponents.
The only downside for me is that a lot of the games keep me up past my bedtime, which means I am forced to triple my normal caffeine intake the following morning and prop my droopy eyelids up with toothpicks.
Speaking of hockey, today is an extremely special day, and not just because the Jets will be facing off against the Ottawa Senators at 9 p.m. at Bell MTS Place.
Prepare to be unreasonably alarmed, because today, Saturday, Jan. 23, along with being Day 4 in the post-Trump era and the day on which I can get my hair cut after 10 weeks because restrictions are supposed to be relaxed, also happens to be (insert dramatic pause) Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.
Use of 'patient zero' term can leave trail of despair
11 minute read Preview Friday, Jan. 22, 2021Grand dame of Notre Dame about to turn 100
6 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jan. 20, 2021Today on Pandemic Self-Care with Doug… Taming the Beast
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jan. 18, 2021Out of bounds
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 16, 2021Winnipegger's slice-of-life photos immortalized on Jones Soda bottles
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 16, 2021Ursine exhibition gives lockdown life polar purpose
6 minute read Preview Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2021Finger-lickin’ good news for your fireplace
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jan. 11, 2021Ditching the darkness
7 minute read Preview Saturday, Jan. 9, 2021McGarry family to celebrate late mom's life, end of difficult year with Riverview fireworks
5 minute read Preview Monday, Dec. 21, 2020'Tis the season for greedy Grinches to steal the packages off your doorstep
3 minute read Preview Saturday, Dec. 19, 2020Isolated folks, frontline workers bowled over by Soup Fairies' generosity
6 minute read Preview Wednesday, Dec. 16, 2020Have Santa suit, will travel
6 minute read Preview Monday, Dec. 14, 2020Christmas spirit echoes among neighbours
5 minute read Preview Friday, Dec. 11, 2020COVID hits pause for mall's Mr. & Mrs. Claus, so they're working remotely
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Dec. 9, 2020No Christmas trees, no Christmas trees — the lots are empty as can be
6 minute read Preview Monday, Dec. 7, 2020Salvation Army kettle campaign rings in new way to give
5 minute read Preview Friday, Dec. 4, 2020Have an appy holiday: bringing Santa to smartphones
6 minute read Preview Friday, Dec. 4, 2020Delivering holiday joy to families
6 minute read Preview Friday, Dec. 4, 2020Pyjama project seeks to give 2,020 PJs to needy kids at Christmas
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Dec. 2, 2020Terminal diagnosis isn't stopping this firecracker of kindness from helping others
7 minute read Preview Monday, Nov. 30, 2020You’re doggone right he’ll be back
6 minute read Preview Monday, Nov. 30, 2020Humane society asks families to help furry friends
5 minute read Preview Friday, Nov. 27, 2020Toy story: Children’s Hospital moves to online donations for holiday campaign
4 minute read Preview Wednesday, Nov. 25, 2020Angel squad moves heaven and earth to hold fundraiser
5 minute read Preview Tuesday, Nov. 24, 2020This brand of ‘sexy’ just ain’t selling
5 minute read Preview Monday, Nov. 23, 2020Athletes driven to tears by personal loss, unexpected achievement
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Nov. 21, 2020Disney nonagenarian worth considering as Donald ducks results
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2020House of the people all the better with dogs
5 minute read Preview Monday, Nov. 16, 2020It’s raining cats and dogs… and iguanas!
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Nov. 14, 2020Gracious concession the latest norm trashed by Trump
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Nov. 14, 2020And the world record for most time in a tub goes to… me!
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Nov. 11, 2020I don’t wish to complain, but I found myself in a rather awkward position the other morning.
I was lying on my back, reading the newspaper, when, suddenly and without warning, my cellphone began to chirp.
Reaching over to the small shelf beside me, I quickly scooped up the phone and blurted: “Good Morning!”
The voice on the other end of the line belonged to my editor, who was calling to have a in-depth discussion about professional journalism.
There’s real bravery in acknowledging our vulnerabilities
6 minute read Preview Monday, Nov. 9, 2020Bursting with pride over a bunch of bronze busts
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Nov. 7, 2020Vicious sword attacks are far from uncommon in the 21st century
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Nov. 7, 2020You win some, you lose some, am I right?
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2020Call me a hip and happening modern newspaper columnist if you must, but the truth is I am not a big believer in traditions.
I personally do not have time for traditions, because I am too busy doing the same things year after year after year.
For example, once every four years I do exactly the same thing on this date — I sit down, stuff my face with leftover Halloween candy, and then write an in-depth analysis of the U.S. election.
In analyzing the results of last night’s thrilling U.S. election, we media pundits are forced to ask ourselves an extremely challenging question, namely: What exactly are the results of last night’s thrilling U.S. election?
Indigenous lawyer on mission to combat systemic racism in justice system
13 minute read Preview Tuesday, Nov. 3, 20202020 is depressing enough without jolt to biorhythm
6 minute read Preview Monday, Nov. 2, 2020Ghosts and goblins and COVID, oh my!
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 31, 2020Working like a dog for chance at gourd glory
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2020Getting by on grotesque exaggeration, amusing lies
5 minute read Preview Monday, Oct. 19, 2020What with being a big-shot newspaper columnist, I was feeling pretty full of myself last week when I was invited to appear in a video celebrating World Values Day.
The general idea was that, in the video, I would discuss in an intelligent manner one core value and why it is important to me in my exciting life as a crusading humour columnist.
After agreeing to take part, however, I began to have some deeper thoughts, such as the following: “Values? Yikes, I should really try to get some before appearing in this (bad word) video.”
So I made a cup of coffee, plopped down in the office chair in front of my home computer, and attempted to get my brain to compile a list of the values that are important to me.
The dentist was easy. The iPad, however…
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 17, 2020Finders keepers
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 17, 2020More than a dance craze: It’s a global sensation
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Oct. 14, 2020Hang on a sec… just getting my ducks in a row
5 minute read Preview Tuesday, Oct. 13, 2020Talking turkey, with a hint of pumpkin pie
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 10, 2020History in the making
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 10, 2020New CMHR boss optimistic about putting museum on new course
13 minute read Preview Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020The naked truth: Manitobans are very reckless drivers
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020It’s official, Manitoba — you are really lousy drivers.
Sorry, to be precise, what I actually meant to say is that you are really reckless drivers.
As regular readers already know, I have written a number of columns complaining about how Manitoba drivers enjoy texting behind the wheel, or applying makeup, or using an electric razor, as opposed to focusing on more mundane activities, such as (Why not?) using the steering wheel to avoid crashing into large objects.
The good news is you no longer have to accept my negative opinion of your driving habits, because scientific experts have weighed in on the issue.
Sinister squirrel waging war from above
5 minute read Preview Monday, Oct. 5, 2020Cars, diaries and priceless art eventually find their way home
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Oct. 3, 2020Enterprising commode to become loo with view
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 30, 2020C’mon, hosers, crack a cold one
5 minute read Preview Monday, Sep. 28, 2020Just as Prime Minister Justin Trudeau did last week, today I need to address a burgeoning national crisis.
For the record, I am not talking about the global COVID-19 pandemic. No, I am referring to an even more shocking situation — Canada’s rapidly declining beer consumption.
Q: Is that shocking, or what?
A: Yes, it is, because we, as Canadians, live in a nation that is built on two important patriotic pillars: We watch a lot of hockey and we drink a lot of beer!
What are you toxin about?
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 26, 2020Traffic reporting guru charts day-trip detours to avoid boredom
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 26, 2020Year of woe proves never to be a boar
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 23, 2020The gourd, the bad and the ugly of autumn
5 minute read Preview Monday, Sep. 21, 2020Yo ho ho, a pandemic pirate’s life for me
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 19, 2020Canadian-mined 102-carat uber-diamond on the auction block
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 19, 2020Lessons in good coverage just part of life as big-shot newspaper columnist
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 16, 2020Pandemic protocol puts lid on potential pillow talk
5 minute read Preview Monday, Sep. 14, 2020Reworked event hopes for cookie fundraising dough
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 12, 2020Risks may not be readily apparent, but kite flying can prove deadly
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 12, 2020Dipping temperatures always source of cool comfort
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 9, 2020See ya, summer, we’re on to the year’s sexiest season
4 minute read Preview Tuesday, Sep. 8, 2020Put down this newspaper and stuff your fingers in your ears, kids, because there’s something I need to blurt out — SUMMER IS ALMOST OVER!
I apologize for not breaking this news to you more gently, but there is nothing we professional newspaper columnists enjoy more than A) being the bearers of bad tidings; and B) activating the caps-lock feature on our computer keyboards.
I have just looked at my official Free Press desktop calendar and there are (gasp!) only 15 more days until summer is officially replaced with fall.
According to the website timeanddate.com (Slogan: “If you want to have a good time, you should buy a good watch!”), fall formally arrives in Winnipeg on Tuesday, Sept. 22, at precisely 8:30 a.m., which is when, astronomically speaking, the September (or autumnal) equinox rolls into town.
Ex-Bomber's widow hopes to raise awareness about concussions
9 minute read Preview Tuesday, Sep. 8, 2020Changing the game forever
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Sep. 5, 2020By any measure, John Thompson was a towering figure, an icon in the Black community and a giant in the world of collegiate sports.
At 6-10, with a trademark white towel slung over his shoulder, Thompson literally and figuratively towered over the Georgetown Hoyas for decades and in 1984 became the first Black coach to lead a team to the NCAA men’s basketball championship.
Thompson, who died last week at the age of 78, never shied away from speaking his mind, especially on the role of race in both sports and society. He once famously walked off the court before a game to protest an NCAA rule he felt hurt minority athletes.
In 1982, a reporter asked the Hall of Famer how he felt about being the first Black coach to take a team to the Final Four of the NCAA tournament. “I resent the hell out of that question if it implies I am the first Black coach competent enough to take a team to the Final Four,” he declared. “Other Blacks have been denied the right in this country; coaches who have the ability. I don’t take any pride in being the first Black coach in the Final Four. I find the question extremely offensive.”
Cheer up, there’s more to Canada than hockey
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Sep. 2, 2020‘Outstanding local personality’ helps charities own the podium
5 minute read Preview Monday, Aug. 31, 2020What with being an official OLP — “Outstanding Local Personality” — there are few things I take more seriously than attending events to support local charities.
This is partly because I feel a moral obligation to do my part to support organizations making our city a better place in which to live, and also because, as a newspaper columnist, it is impossible for me to turn down a free lunch.
It was probably that second thing that led me, earlier this month, at the outset of my two-week vacation, to represent this newspaper in the second annual Joe Aiello Bocce Ball Tournament in support of the Grace Hospital Foundation.
I felt compelled to take part because Joe, a familiar voice on Winnipeg rock radio for decades, is a great guy, and the funds raised were going toward the redevelopment of the hospital’s Diagnostic Imaging Department and to purchase a much-needed echocardiogram machine.
Roadside attractions no match for miniature motel loo to rue
4 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 29, 2020I have seen some mighty impressive roadside art during my travels as a big-shot newspaper columnist.
For instance, I have looked on in awe at “Sunny,” the world’s largest free-standing banana, a 10-metre tall, 2,800-kilogram yellow behemoth that towers over the town of Melita.
The big banana stands out for me because I believe it has huge appeal.
I have also stood ogling in disbelief at the world’s largest painting on an easel, a seven-by-10-metre reproduction of one of Vincent van Gogh’s sunflower masterpieces which weighs 3,600 kilograms and sits on a nearly 5,000-kilogram, 23-metre-high easel, and soars above the skyline in Altona.
Rumours of these celebrity passings were greatly exaggerated
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 29, 2020You won’t finish that sandwich anyway, right?
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Aug. 26, 2020Ahead by a century
6 minute read Preview Monday, Aug. 10, 2020Facing the facts about fictions: Challenging conspiracy theories from Area 51 to 9/11
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 8, 2020Nature’s ‘Velcro’ another reason to stay indoors
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 8, 2020Popular songs out of touch with pandemic
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Aug. 5, 2020Sports aren’t most important thing now
6 minute read Preview Tuesday, Aug. 4, 2020I have a confession to make — I didn’t stay up late Wednesday night to watch the Jets down the Vancouver Canucks 4-1 in an exhibition game that marked their first action since the NHL went dark in mid-March.
I also did not park myself in front of the big-screen TV in my den on Saturday to look on as the Jets faced off with the Calgary Flames in the first game of a best-of-five series for the right to compete in the 16-team Stanley Cup playoffs that will apparently run into October.
OK, technically, I am writing these words on Friday morning, the day before the game, but the central point I am trying to make is that I don’t plan on watching.
Before you grab pitchforks, fire up your torches and send me angry letters on your “I (heart) the Jets” stationery, allow me to explain.
Avoid BBQ futility with a little half-baked advice
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 1, 2020Comet contenders
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Aug. 1, 2020Follow pro sports’ pandemic plans and wing it
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jul. 29, 2020Welcome to Robocuts, foolish human
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jul. 27, 2020Welcome to the great Canadian rubber match
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 25, 2020Some of world's biggest icons swapped given monikers for chosen ones
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 25, 2020Life on the links remains rough for woeful Duffer Doug
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jul. 22, 2020Of mice and (lazy) men
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jul. 20, 2020Modern-day hit joins long list of grisly mob slayings
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 18, 2020Captain's Boil owner hopes help comes through for rare orange lobster
6 minute read Preview Friday, Jul. 17, 2020Tossing hats in the ring, feet in their mouths
4 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jul. 15, 2020On the surface, these three guys don’t seem to have a whole lot in common.
For the record, we’re talking about incumbent U.S. President Donald Trump, presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden, and famously outlandish rapper/business mogul Kanye West.
When you dig a bit deeper, however, two striking similarities jump out. For starters, all three are running this year for the highest office in the United States, although in Kanye’s case you pretty much have to take his word for it.
Speaking of words, the second thing all three of these celebrities share is a unique gift for planting their feet squarely in their mouths, saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time, uttering quirky quotes that often have little basis in reality.
Pet rescue shelter owner tackles cancer the way she tackles everything: head on
7 minute read Preview Monday, Jul. 13, 2020Life without smooches simply inconceivable
5 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 11, 2020These presidential candidates are on the fringe (of reality)
11 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 11, 2020When it comes to our avian friends, I'm just a big weenie
5 minute read Preview Wednesday, Jul. 8, 2020A fighter and a fundraiser
11 minute read Preview Monday, Jul. 6, 2020Don’t let the facts get in your way
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jul. 6, 2020Playthings that break the piggy bank
10 minute read Preview Saturday, Jul. 4, 2020Need a role model? What about Bob?
6 minute read Preview Friday, Jul. 3, 2020Picture-perfect plan to help pet rescues
5 minute read Preview Tuesday, Jun. 23, 2020Array
5 minute read Preview Monday, Jun. 22, 2020Bombers fan happy to kick things up a gotch
6 minute read Preview Saturday, Jun. 20, 2020Last year, Winnipeg Blue Bomber super fan Dave (Woody) Heywood was living the dream.
This summer, thanks to the global COVID-19 pandemic, it’s more like a nightmare.
That’s just the way it goes when you are a fanatical fan living in the home of the defending Grey Cup champions and looking at the grim possibility of a year without football.
“I’m feeling a little bit lost — what do you do?” said Heywood, 56, arguably best known as the last of the Gotch Men, a legendary group of local football fans who rocketed to fame by attending every Bomber game, regardless of the weather, in their underwear.