Doug Speirs

Doug Speirs

Columnist

Doug Speirs’ humour column, In the Doug House, has appeared on Page 2 of the Winnipeg Free Press at least three times a week since 2006. No one is exactly sure why.

Doug has held almost every job at the newspaper — reporter, city editor, night editor, tour guide, hand model — and his colleagues are confident he’ll eventually find something he is good at.

In his columns, Doug strives to focus on the vital issues of the day, but generally ends up writing about himself and his family, especially his two dogs, because he isn’t overly fond of getting out of bed or leaving the house.

For column fodder, he has tried his hand at everything from barrel racing to playing Santa Claus for hundreds of screaming schoolchildren on a jumbo jet to performing with Canada’s top Elvis impersonators. He also bravely writes about the weather every Saturday, pets every second Tuesday and writes a new column, Speiriscope, in Saturday’s 49.8 section.

No topic is too small to escape Doug’s keen journalistic eye, especially if it involves his infamous war with the army of mice living in his basement or his frequent run-ins with public relations professionals who are just trying to do their jobs.

He is also known for columns on quirky news events, his insights on raising teenagers, his helpful insights on the key differences between men and women and his penchant for spending up to three hours floating in the bathtub.

Doug was born in Vancouver and still worships the B.C. Lions. Despite this flaw, readers find him approachable, especially in the checkout aisles at crowded grocery stores. He was a finalist at the 2008 National Newspaper Awards for column writing.

He and his wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, have two children, neither of whom thinks he is the least bit funny.

Recent articles by Doug Speirs

Bidding fond farewell to a career full of hilarity and hijinx

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Bidding fond farewell to a career full of hilarity and hijinx

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Sunday, Jan. 1, 2023

The time has finally come for me to say thank you and goodbye — again.

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Sunday, Jan. 1, 2023

Ruth Bonneville / Winnipeg Free Press

Doug Speirs circa 2009

A valuable lesson from the book of Bogey

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A valuable lesson from the book of Bogey

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Dec. 24, 2022

It probably doesn’t qualify as a Christmas miracle, but we’ll take it all the same.

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Saturday, Dec. 24, 2022

SUPPLIED

At the age of 13, family pooch Bogey is juggling a few health challenges, but his humans are inspired by how well he’s just getting on with it.

Columnist really nailing the holiday spirit

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Columnist really nailing the holiday spirit

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Dec. 17, 2022

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas — and for the first time that includes my toenails.

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Saturday, Dec. 17, 2022

Doug Speirs photo

From left: Joe Grande, Bob Cox and Doug sipped single-malt scotch while enjoying their pedicures.

I’m dreaming of a grape Krampus, just like the ones I used to know

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I’m dreaming of a grape Krampus, just like the ones I used to know

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Dec. 10, 2022

It’s shortly after noon on a frigid Tuesday and I’m sitting in the food court at The Forks Market enjoying lunch with one of my favourite holiday companions, Krampus.

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Saturday, Dec. 10, 2022

It’s shortly after noon on a frigid Tuesday and I’m sitting in the food court at The Forks Market enjoying lunch with one of my favourite holiday companions, Krampus.

What’s in a name? Whatever you call your pet is still just as sweet

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What’s in a name? Whatever you call your pet is still just as sweet

Doug Speirs 6 minute read Saturday, Dec. 3, 2022

When my daughter moved home about three weeks ago after spending several years working and living in northwestern Ontario, she didn’t come alone.

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Saturday, Dec. 3, 2022

Pet parents are starting to show their love by naming their dog after Canadian goalkeeper Milan Borjan. (Alessandra Tarantino / The Associated Press)

Ho, ho, hold on a minute

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Ho, ho, hold on a minute

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2022

Jeff Liba had some big boots to fill on Tuesday morning — and he’ll be squeezing into them again today.

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Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2022

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS

Harmayra Side, grade one student from Brooklands School, talks to Amber Westra as Elsa at Variety’s annual Winter Wonderland party.

Dazzle fellow fans with loopy Grey Cup lore

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Dazzle fellow fans with loopy Grey Cup lore

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Nov. 19, 2022

What with only one sleep left until the Big Game, it’s time for all you hardcore Winnipeg Blue Bomber fans to look in the mirror and ask yourselves a difficult question: Am I emotionally, physically and spiritually prepared to cheer my beloved Blue and Gold to victory against the despised Toronto Argonauts on Sunday in the 109th Grey Cup in Regina?

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Saturday, Nov. 19, 2022

WINNIPEG FREE PRESS FILES

Sunday will mark the first time since the 1950 “Mud Bowl” that the Bombers and Argonauts will meet in a battle for the CFL’s Holy Grail.

Love for CFL’s toothless Lions brings torment, taunting

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Love for CFL’s toothless Lions brings torment, taunting

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Nov. 12, 2022

I was lounging on the couch in our den Monday afternoon when, suddenly and without warning, a text popped up on my cellphone.

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Saturday, Nov. 12, 2022

I was lounging on the couch in our den Monday afternoon when, suddenly and without warning, a text popped up on my cellphone.

I, for one, welcome our new feline overlord

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I, for one, welcome our new feline overlord

Doug Speirs 6 minute read Saturday, Nov. 5, 2022

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to blurt it out — my family is going to the dark side!

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Saturday, Nov. 5, 2022

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to blurt it out — my family is going to the dark side!

You can have my candy when you pry it out of my zombie hands

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You can have my candy when you pry it out of my zombie hands

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 29, 2022

There are only two more sleeps until Halloween, and I think all you protective parents know exactly what that means, don’t you?

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Saturday, Oct. 29, 2022

JUSTIN TANG / CANADIAN PRESS FILES

News reports this week stated that Halloween-loving Canadians will be coughing up more cash this year on treats to hand out to sugar-craving kids.

Once upon a time… a columnist turned into a puddle of goo

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Once upon a time… a columnist turned into a puddle of goo

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 22, 2022

Grab a book and prepare to curl up on the carpet, kids, because today we are heading to the library for family storytime.

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Saturday, Oct. 22, 2022

Grab a book and prepare to curl up on the carpet, kids, because today we are heading to the library for family storytime.

It’s a dog-eat-remote-control world

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It’s a dog-eat-remote-control world

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 15, 2022

In the high-pressure world of big-time journalism, your classic dog-bites-man story doesn’t grab many headlines.

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Saturday, Oct. 15, 2022

In the high-pressure world of big-time journalism, your classic dog-bites-man story doesn’t grab many headlines.

Tables work their magic with dementia patients

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Tables work their magic with dementia patients

Doug Speirs 7 minute read Saturday, Oct. 8, 2022

Modern medicine can work wonders, but residents at Winnipeg’s Riverview Health Centre are discovering that a little magic can also transform the lives of people living with cognitive challenges.

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Saturday, Oct. 8, 2022

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS

‘I love them. I think they are going to add a lot of value and benefit and improve quality of life for our residents. I’ve already seen the difference’

— Resident care manager Jacqueline Reimer, on the new Tovertafel

It’s a dog-eat-pumpkin-spice world… and I’m wearing whipped-cream underwear

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It’s a dog-eat-pumpkin-spice world… and I’m wearing whipped-cream underwear

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 1, 2022

For more than a decade, I have been using this column to rage against the ever-growing pumpkinification of North America.

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Saturday, Oct. 1, 2022

Hormel Foods released a pumpkin-spice version of Spam in 2019.

When it comes to style, I’m just playing ketchup

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When it comes to style, I’m just playing ketchup

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Sep. 24, 2022

Regular readers will not be surprised to hear that, for most of my life, I have been a self-styled slob.

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Saturday, Sep. 24, 2022

Regular readers will not be surprised to hear that, for most of my life, I have been a self-styled slob.

Tims’ cookie campaign something to smile about

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Tims’ cookie campaign something to smile about

Doug Speirs 4 minute read Saturday, Sep. 17, 2022

When I reached Jane Kidd-Hantscher on her cellphone Wednesday morning, I could tell the executive director of the Children’s Rehabilitation Foundation wasn’t sitting behind her desk.

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Saturday, Sep. 17, 2022

DOUG SPEIRS / FREE PRESS FILES

Jane Kidd-Hantscher is the executive director of the Children’s Rehabilitation Foundation.

Three dog nights over: Joy returns to Doug’s world

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Three dog nights over: Joy returns to Doug’s world

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Sep. 10, 2022

Our three dog nights are about to end — and I could not be more relieved.

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Saturday, Sep. 10, 2022

Our three dog nights are about to end — and I could not be more relieved.

Now matter how you slice it, bacon’s worth celebrating

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Now matter how you slice it, bacon’s worth celebrating

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Sep. 3, 2022

Of all the special days on the calendar, today is arguably the most special of them all.

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Saturday, Sep. 3, 2022

Of all the special days on the calendar, today is arguably the most special of them all.

Vancouver visit turns into Hitchcock meets Animal House

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Vancouver visit turns into Hitchcock meets Animal House

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Aug. 27, 2022

It was a sweltering afternoon in Vancouver and I was doing what I do every time I visit the West Coast — sweating like a Butterball turkey on Thanksgiving.

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Saturday, Aug. 27, 2022

It was a sweltering afternoon in Vancouver and I was doing what I do every time I visit the West Coast — sweating like a Butterball turkey on Thanksgiving.

Raising a glass to 102 great years of great-auntie Ann

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Raising a glass to 102 great years of great-auntie Ann

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Aug. 20, 2022

I hate to brag, but here I am in Vancouver, sipping sangria in a hip and happening sidewalk café while soaking up the West Coast sunshine on a gorgeous late-summer day.

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Saturday, Aug. 20, 2022

DARRYL DYCK / CANADIAN PRESS FILES

Doug will be in Vancouver sitting in a sidewalk café, staring at the mountains and thinking about his beloved B.C. Lions.

One year of grandparenthood couldn’t feel finer

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One year of grandparenthood couldn’t feel finer

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Aug. 13, 2022

If you are wondering about that big, stupid grin plastered on my face, there’s a simple explanation.

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Saturday, Aug. 13, 2022

Supplied

Doug and his granddaughter, Ivy Ruth.

Cool level red-hot thanks to hand-me-down shades

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Cool level red-hot thanks to hand-me-down shades

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Aug. 6, 2022

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to blurt it out — after spending 65 years on this planet, I have finally become a hip and happening sort of guy.

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Saturday, Aug. 6, 2022

Canstar Community News

Doug has always felt that putting on a pair of sunglasses makes the following fashion statement: “Hey, look, I’m wearing sunglasses!”

A kayak? This landlubber’s good on the dock, thanks

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A kayak? This landlubber’s good on the dock, thanks

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 30, 2022

I was stretched out on the couch in the den the other morning when, suddenly and without warning, the dogs began barking at something on the other side of the living room window.

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Saturday, Jul. 30, 2022

Golfer? Sure. I bucketed a birdie and an eagle just last week

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Golfer? Sure. I bucketed a birdie and an eagle just last week

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 23, 2022

For the record, I am not one of those people who always dreamed about honing his skills on the golf course after retiring.

No, I am one of those people who dreamed about perfecting his ability to relax on the couch in the den and lapse into a coma while watching hour after hour of the Weather Network.

The point is, even though I am now in a state of semi-retirement, I still get invited to participate in charity golf tournaments because I am the sort of person who is willing to accept free food and prizes for doing absolutely nothing.

It is not easy, using mere words, to describe how horrible I am at the game of golf, but I am willing to give it the old columnist try: I am really, really horrible at golf! It would make more sense for me to buy a dozen golf balls, drive to the nearest course, then stand on the first tee and throw them into the woods without going to all the expense of shelling out for a cart and green fees.

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Saturday, Jul. 23, 2022

ETHAN CAIRNS / FREE PRESS FILES
If, by some pure stroke of luck, Doug does make contact with the ball, it will careen wildly into the trees like an injured woodland creature never to be seen again.

An inspiring story to elevate the soul, rung by rung

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An inspiring story to elevate the soul, rung by rung

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 16, 2022

What with all the depressing news weighing everyone down, today I’d like to share an uplifting story that I’ve decided to call The Little Red Ladder That Could.

I should point out that I didn’t make up this story; it was related to me by my good buddy Joe Grande, the ebullient and longtime owner of Mona Lisa Ristorante Italiano on Corydon Avenue.

Joe shared his deeply moving tale this week while he and I were sitting in the back seat of my car, Joe’s wife was in the passenger seat, and my spouse, She Who Must Not Be Named, was at the wheel, driving us to a friend’s birthday party in the picturesque town of Niverville, about 42 kilometres south of Winnipeg.

So there we were, Joe and I, relaxing in the back seat, with me twiddling my thumbs in boredom while Joe stared with laser-like intensity at his cellphone because he was determined to discover what would officially be considered “the worst word in the world.”

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Saturday, Jul. 16, 2022

What with all the depressing news weighing everyone down, today I’d like to share an uplifting story that I’ve decided to call The Little Red Ladder That Could.

I should point out that I didn’t make up this story; it was related to me by my good buddy Joe Grande, the ebullient and longtime owner of Mona Lisa Ristorante Italiano on Corydon Avenue.

Joe shared his deeply moving tale this week while he and I were sitting in the back seat of my car, Joe’s wife was in the passenger seat, and my spouse, She Who Must Not Be Named, was at the wheel, driving us to a friend’s birthday party in the picturesque town of Niverville, about 42 kilometres south of Winnipeg.

So there we were, Joe and I, relaxing in the back seat, with me twiddling my thumbs in boredom while Joe stared with laser-like intensity at his cellphone because he was determined to discover what would officially be considered “the worst word in the world.”

Sit! Stay! Fetch a new future for dogs!

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Sit! Stay! Fetch a new future for dogs!

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 9, 2022

I’m not what you would call a big fan of tennis, but I did spend a fair bit of time lying on the couch last week watching the action at Wimbledon unfold on the new 65-inch TV in my den.

I found the traditional back and forth at the world’s most famous Grand Slam tournament to be moderately interesting, but as a dedicated sports fan I felt something important was missing from this year’s event.

As most sports-loving readers have already deduced, I am talking about dogs.

For those of you who have spent the past few weeks hiding in a drainpipe, you will be surprised to learn that this year’s edition of Wimbledon came within a whisker of — prepare to begin howling with excitement — going to the dogs.

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Saturday, Jul. 9, 2022

I’m not what you would call a big fan of tennis, but I did spend a fair bit of time lying on the couch last week watching the action at Wimbledon unfold on the new 65-inch TV in my den.

I found the traditional back and forth at the world’s most famous Grand Slam tournament to be moderately interesting, but as a dedicated sports fan I felt something important was missing from this year’s event.

As most sports-loving readers have already deduced, I am talking about dogs.

For those of you who have spent the past few weeks hiding in a drainpipe, you will be surprised to learn that this year’s edition of Wimbledon came within a whisker of — prepare to begin howling with excitement — going to the dogs.

War of stumping stumps will have many battles

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

War of stumping stumps will have many battles

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 2, 2022

My mother knew absolutely nothing about gardening, but for reasons that no one fully understood she was on a mission to fill our backyard with one of every kind of tree in the known universe, even if these trees were never intended to withstand the bitter cold of a Winnipeg winter.

The point is three of these trees finally gave up the ghost this year, and my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, is not the sort of person to let a dead tree rest in peace, so to speak.

Which is why she asked my buddy Bob — who along with being the publisher of this newspaper owns his own chainsaw — to drop by and chop them down, which he did Sunday afternoon.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrived, he discovered that his chainsaw refused to start, eventually forcing my buddy to confess that he had no idea what the problem was, hang his head, and return home in defeat.

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Saturday, Jul. 2, 2022

TIM SMITH / BRANDON SUN FILES
The Battle of the Back Yard Stumps has just begun.

Heroism, not mine, saves day from pizza inferno

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Heroism, not mine, saves day from pizza inferno

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jun. 25, 2022

For the record, I wasn’t trying to burn down my house on a day that was already so hot birds were bursting into flames in mid-air.

No, what I was trying to do was feed my friends and family on a scorching Father’s Day by firing up my portable, wood-fired pizza oven in the back yard.

Spoiler alert: Things did not go as planned.

So there I was Sunday evening, sweating like a Butterball turkey on Thanksgiving, busily stuffing tiny bits of hardwood into the fire box of the stainless steel pizza oven I’d been given last year for my 65th birthday.

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Saturday, Jun. 25, 2022

For the record, I wasn’t trying to burn down my house on a day that was already so hot birds were bursting into flames in mid-air.

No, what I was trying to do was feed my friends and family on a scorching Father’s Day by firing up my portable, wood-fired pizza oven in the back yard.

Spoiler alert: Things did not go as planned.

So there I was Sunday evening, sweating like a Butterball turkey on Thanksgiving, busily stuffing tiny bits of hardwood into the fire box of the stainless steel pizza oven I’d been given last year for my 65th birthday.

Workplace pet perks could help staff sit — and stay

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Workplace pet perks could help staff sit — and stay

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jun. 18, 2022

Canadian companies struggling to fetch workers back to the office post-pandemic would be well advised to enlist the services of a retriever — or any other dog breed, for that matter.

That’s just one of the findings from a new report, The Future of Work: Dog Friendly Companies, says rover.com, a website that touts itself as the world’s largest and most trusted network of five-star pet sitters and dog walkers.

The survey of 500 Canadian dog owners, conducted last month, revealed the soaring rate of canine adoptions during the pandemic has made employees more reluctant to abandon their home offices and return to in-person workplaces.

“With millions of pets welcomed into our families over the last couple of years, it’s understandable that folks are genuinely concerned about returning to the office and what that means for their pets — from separation anxiety to finding pet care they can rely on,” Rover’s Kate Jaffe barked in a release that landed in my inbox.

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Saturday, Jun. 18, 2022

MIKE DEAL / FREE PRESS FILES
Forty-nine per cent of dog owners surveyed said the top motivator for returning to the office is the ability to bring their canine companions with them.

Fighting for a real miracle, and finally keeping the pink ball

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Fighting for a real miracle, and finally keeping the pink ball

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jun. 11, 2022

I do not know what you were doing on Monday afternoon, but I was witnessing a miracle.

This miraculous moment took place at Bridges Golf Course about 40 kilometres southwest of Winnipeg where for the 13th year I bravely caddied in the Pink Ribbon Ladies Golf Classic for Hope, the largest women-only golf tournament in the province.

This is the tournament wherein each of the 36 four-woman teams is assigned a hairy-legged person of my gender as a caddie to cater to their every whim, a manly man who not only keeps score, lines up putts, retrieves errant balls and fetches cold beverages, but does it while wearing a golf shirt so shockingly pink circus clowns would refuse to wear one on the grounds it was beneath their dignity.

Every year, at the start of this fundraising tournament, each team is handed a pink golf ball that they have to tee off with on every hole. The genius concept is that if you still have your pink ball at the end of the day, you drop it in a big pink bucket for a chance at winning a really swell prize.

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Saturday, Jun. 11, 2022

I do not know what you were doing on Monday afternoon, but I was witnessing a miracle.

This miraculous moment took place at Bridges Golf Course about 40 kilometres southwest of Winnipeg where for the 13th year I bravely caddied in the Pink Ribbon Ladies Golf Classic for Hope, the largest women-only golf tournament in the province.

This is the tournament wherein each of the 36 four-woman teams is assigned a hairy-legged person of my gender as a caddie to cater to their every whim, a manly man who not only keeps score, lines up putts, retrieves errant balls and fetches cold beverages, but does it while wearing a golf shirt so shockingly pink circus clowns would refuse to wear one on the grounds it was beneath their dignity.

Every year, at the start of this fundraising tournament, each team is handed a pink golf ball that they have to tee off with on every hole. The genius concept is that if you still have your pink ball at the end of the day, you drop it in a big pink bucket for a chance at winning a really swell prize.

Ten not-so-easy steps to get your dog to take a pill

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Ten not-so-easy steps to get your dog to take a pill

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jun. 4, 2022

Now that tick season is upon us, today’s helpful topic is: How to get your dog to swallow a pill.

This became a serious issue for me this week when I attempted to get our two fluffy white dogs to swallow pills designed to protect them from the blood-sucking ticks lurking in our back yard.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Seriously, Doug, there are only two steps for giving a pill to a dog: 1) Wrap it in bacon; 2) Toss it in the air.”

Well, that is true with the vast majority of food-motivated dogs, such as our emergency backup mutt Juno, who would devour an entire gazelle if you wrapped it in bacon and tossed it in the air, despite the fact she has only two crooked teeth left in her head.

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Saturday, Jun. 4, 2022

Now that tick season is upon us, today’s helpful topic is: How to get your dog to swallow a pill.

This became a serious issue for me this week when I attempted to get our two fluffy white dogs to swallow pills designed to protect them from the blood-sucking ticks lurking in our back yard.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Seriously, Doug, there are only two steps for giving a pill to a dog: 1) Wrap it in bacon; 2) Toss it in the air.”

Well, that is true with the vast majority of food-motivated dogs, such as our emergency backup mutt Juno, who would devour an entire gazelle if you wrapped it in bacon and tossed it in the air, despite the fact she has only two crooked teeth left in her head.

Living — or at least dreaming — the life of an action hero

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Living — or at least dreaming — the life of an action hero

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, May. 28, 2022

Six months into retirement, my life is more exciting than ever.

That’s because at the tender age of 65 I have been transformed into an action hero — at least in my dreams.

When I was younger, my dreams were decidedly dull. For example, I can clearly recall one dream that consisted entirely of me visiting Eaton’s to buy a pair of winter gloves. No thrills, no spills, no X-rated content. Just buying a pair of (bad word) gloves.

But it would be putting it mildly to say things have changed now that I have more time on my hands. Now — and the bumps and bruises on my body are proof of this — it appears as if my dreams are trying to kill me.

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Saturday, May. 28, 2022

Six months into retirement, my life is more exciting than ever.

That’s because at the tender age of 65 I have been transformed into an action hero — at least in my dreams.

When I was younger, my dreams were decidedly dull. For example, I can clearly recall one dream that consisted entirely of me visiting Eaton’s to buy a pair of winter gloves. No thrills, no spills, no X-rated content. Just buying a pair of (bad word) gloves.

But it would be putting it mildly to say things have changed now that I have more time on my hands. Now — and the bumps and bruises on my body are proof of this — it appears as if my dreams are trying to kill me.

Backward your syntax must be before like Yoda can you talk

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Backward your syntax must be before like Yoda can you talk

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, May. 21, 2022

Grab your noisemakers and party hats, kids, because it’s time to celebrate.

For the record, we are not celebrating the fact that today marks the start of the May long weekend, the unofficial first day of summer, a time when we diehard Manitobans look forward to long walks on the beach, chugging ice-cold brews at backyard barbecues, slathering our pasty bodies with sunscreen and swatting mosquitoes the size of Yorkshire terriers.

Unless you’ve been hiding in a drainpipe for the past month — and I sincerely hope that you haven’t — you will know that lately it feels more like the start of Monsoon Season than the run-up to another moody Manitoba summer.

But suck it up, buttercup, because the good news — and you will be able to hear it if you turn your sump pump off for a moment — is that, despite the unrelentingly soggy weather that has turned my house into oceanfront property, we still have something worth celebrating.

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Saturday, May. 21, 2022

Today is International Talk Like Yoda Day! (LucasFilms)

Water off a Doug’s back

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Water off a Doug’s back

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, May. 14, 2022

Is it just me, or is everyone else getting a little sick and tired of the seemingly never-ending rainstorms we’ve had to endure for the past few weeks?

It’s not that I don’t like rain. In fact, I developed something of a fondness for heavy rain because I grew up on the West Coast, where I spent my formative years practising to be a human sponge.

The rains we used to get when I was an extremely moist kid in Vancouver were so Biblical in proportion that I can vividly recall lining up my Animal Crackers two by two before forcing them to march back into their box.

But that is not today’s point. No, today’s point is that my fondness for the rain — OK, maybe tolerance would be a better word — is starting to evaporate thanks to the recent deluges that have led to flooding in much of the province.

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Saturday, May. 14, 2022

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS FILES
Rain, rain, go away… even this transplanted West Coaster has had enough.

Attention must be paid when TV’s red lights of doom start blinking

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Attention must be paid when TV’s red lights of doom start blinking

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, May. 7, 2022

I have no wish to wallow in self-pity, but I think you should know my wife and I barely survived a crisis last weekend when the third Colorado low in three weeks smacked this province head-on.

I am not talking about the fact that we had to run the submersible pump in our back yard for three consecutive days to prevent an ocean of melted snow and rainwater from pouring into our basement.

No, I am talking about something even more horrifying. What I am trying to say — and I recommend you sit down before reading this next part — is that, as rain thundered down and the NHL playoffs were getting under way, the beloved big-screen TV in our den dropped dead.

It is difficult to describe the anguish of having your favourite appliance suddenly give up the ghost at a time when it is unsafe to leave the comfort of your den, but I will try: It was really, really horrible!

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Saturday, May. 7, 2022

I have no wish to wallow in self-pity, but I think you should know my wife and I barely survived a crisis last weekend when the third Colorado low in three weeks smacked this province head-on.

I am not talking about the fact that we had to run the submersible pump in our back yard for three consecutive days to prevent an ocean of melted snow and rainwater from pouring into our basement.

No, I am talking about something even more horrifying. What I am trying to say — and I recommend you sit down before reading this next part — is that, as rain thundered down and the NHL playoffs were getting under way, the beloved big-screen TV in our den dropped dead.

It is difficult to describe the anguish of having your favourite appliance suddenly give up the ghost at a time when it is unsafe to leave the comfort of your den, but I will try: It was really, really horrible!

Deep, deep dive into the dangers of outhouses

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Deep, deep dive into the dangers of outhouses

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Apr. 30, 2022

What with being mostly retired, I was confident that I would never again have to write a groundbreaking column about the role toilets play in modern society.

But I can see now that I was a fool.

Over the years, I have bravely written a great many hard-hitting columns on commodes, including major contests wherein you can win a toilet equipped with a big-screen TV and state-of-the-art stereo system, motion-activated night lights that transform your toilet into a 1970s-style disco ball, and a baseball fanatic whose cremated remains were being flushed down the toilets in every Major League Baseball park in North America.

I was especially fond of writing about how the tyrannical toilet in our main bathroom frequently launches into reverse-thruster mode in an attempt to lead the rest of our plumbing fixtures in a revolt against their human oppressors.

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Saturday, Apr. 30, 2022

Doug does not recommend falling headfirst into an outhouse toilet. (JOE BRYKSA / FREE PRESS FILES)

Turns out you want a surgeon who’s Thunderstruck after all

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Turns out you want a surgeon who’s Thunderstruck after all

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Apr. 23, 2022

I believe I have come up with a genius plan for reducing the huge backlog of surgeries that has piled up in Manitoba since the pandemic began.

I stumbled on this genius concept while engaged in the main pastime among retired columnists such as myself — sitting in front of the home computer and randomly Googling stuff on the Internet.

Which is how I stumbled on a landmark study stating — prepare to be blown away in a scientific manner — that surgeons work far faster and more accurately when songs by legendary hard rockers AC/DC are played extremely loud on the operating room stereo.

Q: Is that a brilliant medical discovery, or what?

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Saturday, Apr. 23, 2022

Surgeons work far faster and more accurately when songs by legendary hard rockers AC/DC are played extremely loud on the operating room stereo. (Rob Grabowski / Invision files)

Winter storm just another notch in our blizzard belts

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Winter storm just another notch in our blizzard belts

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Apr. 16, 2022

Wow, that sure was one heck of a blizzard, wasn’t it, Manitoba?

OK, technically speaking, I don’t have a clue how bad this blizzard was because, thanks to the newspaper’s tight deadlines, I am writing these words on Wednesday morning just as the snow is beginning to fall.

However, as a crusading columnist, I have just bravely taken a brief glance out my back window, and the fact there is a huge white lump where my beloved propane barbecue normally sits fills me with an impending sense of doom.

Fortunately, I am a battle-hardened Winnipegger and we are a stout-hearted, pioneering people who laugh in the face of blizzards, because we are afraid that if we start openly weeping we will soon run out of tissues and there is no way we are venturing out to the store to buy more in the middle of this Snowmaggedon or Snowpocalypse of Snowzilla or whatever stupid name the TV weather people are applying to this storm in an attempt to differentiate it from all the other storms we have endured in our lifetime.

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Saturday, Apr. 16, 2022

We Manitobans know a thing or two about blizzards. (John Woods / The Canadian Press files)

Joy and terror in the time of grandparenthood

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Joy and terror in the time of grandparenthood

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Apr. 9, 2022

I can tell you from personal experience that being a grandparent definitely has its moments.

But today’s column is not about the fact that my new granddaughter, Ivy, is the most remarkable infant in the known universe.

No, today’s column is about some of the magical moments experienced by my plucky sister-in-law Shelley, who recently returned from spending two months visiting her two young grandsons in Australia.

Prepare to have your heartstrings tugged, because Shelley agreed to share two especially heart-touching grandparent moments with me the other day during a family brunch at the Qualico Family Centre in Assiniboine Park.

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Saturday, Apr. 9, 2022

I can tell you from personal experience that being a grandparent definitely has its moments.

But today’s column is not about the fact that my new granddaughter, Ivy, is the most remarkable infant in the known universe.

No, today’s column is about some of the magical moments experienced by my plucky sister-in-law Shelley, who recently returned from spending two months visiting her two young grandsons in Australia.

Prepare to have your heartstrings tugged, because Shelley agreed to share two especially heart-touching grandparent moments with me the other day during a family brunch at the Qualico Family Centre in Assiniboine Park.

Hapless columnist to mimic flightless bird

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Hapless columnist to mimic flightless bird

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Mar. 26, 2022

It seems like every other day scientists are breathlessly announcing they have discovered ice somewhere else in our solar system.

They’ve famously detected icy deposits on other planets, on moons, in comets, even in the gigantic rings of Saturn.

Q: Is that scientifically awesome, or what?

A: NO! Sorry, I hate to throw your sense of wonder into the deep freeze, but the scientific truth is we have so much (bad word) ice on this planet that the last thing we need to do is waste time wandering around the galaxy looking for more.

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Saturday, Mar. 26, 2022

It seems like every other day scientists are breathlessly announcing they have discovered ice somewhere else in our solar system.

They’ve famously detected icy deposits on other planets, on moons, in comets, even in the gigantic rings of Saturn.

Q: Is that scientifically awesome, or what?

A: NO! Sorry, I hate to throw your sense of wonder into the deep freeze, but the scientific truth is we have so much (bad word) ice on this planet that the last thing we need to do is waste time wandering around the galaxy looking for more.

Fifty shades of… periwinkle?

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Fifty shades of… periwinkle?

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Mar. 19, 2022

Given the exceedingly grim nature of the world at the moment, I suspect we could all use a little happy news.

Fortunately, I have two upbeat nuggets to share with you today, starting with the fact that, if you look out your window right now, you will notice that the gigantic snowbanks sealing you off from the rest of the world are about half a centimetre smaller than they were the day before.

That’s because the March equinox — the astronomical first day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere — rolls into Winnipeg Sunday morning at precisely 10:32 a.m., meaning the coldest and snowiest winter in modern memory is finally drawing to a close.

As if that wasn’t enough to thaw your frozen spirits, the second upbeat nugget is even better — the fact there is just one more sleep until the season of rebirth and renewal arrives means it’s time once again for Mr. Doug’s Annual Spring Fashion Report.

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Saturday, Mar. 19, 2022

Given the exceedingly grim nature of the world at the moment, I suspect we could all use a little happy news.

Fortunately, I have two upbeat nuggets to share with you today, starting with the fact that, if you look out your window right now, you will notice that the gigantic snowbanks sealing you off from the rest of the world are about half a centimetre smaller than they were the day before.

That’s because the March equinox — the astronomical first day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere — rolls into Winnipeg Sunday morning at precisely 10:32 a.m., meaning the coldest and snowiest winter in modern memory is finally drawing to a close.

As if that wasn’t enough to thaw your frozen spirits, the second upbeat nugget is even better — the fact there is just one more sleep until the season of rebirth and renewal arrives means it’s time once again for Mr. Doug’s Annual Spring Fashion Report.

Max McGee would have approved

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Max McGee would have approved

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Mar. 12, 2022

It was last Saturday morning and I was savouring the final few minutes of sleep when my wife burst into the bedroom because she couldn’t wait to share the grim news.

“THERE’S WATER IN THE BASEMENT!” she roared as I jolted upright in bed, sleep-encrusted eyes bulging with a mix of terror and confusion.

I assumed the finicky toilet in the basement had unexpectedly gone into reverse-thruster mode, but it turns out ice damming on the roof was the culprit.

Like a lot of homes around the city this winter, we have roughly four feet of snow parked on our roof, and ice dams — those frozen ridges along the eaves — were preventing melting snow from draining off the edges, causing it to instead seep through the roof and drip, drip, drip through the ceiling tiles in the basement.

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Saturday, Mar. 12, 2022

JOE BRYKSA /FREE PRESS FILES
Doug and his wife had to phonr companies with young employees who climb on top of your roof to shovel off the excess snow.

From poop to pits: sniffing out a business opportunity

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

From poop to pits: sniffing out a business opportunity

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Mar. 5, 2022

Over the almost 40 years I spent in the newspaper business, I like to think I developed a nose for news, an innate ability to sniff out big stories.

Now that I’m mostly retired, however, I need to retrain my journalistic nostrils to track down other ways to make a little extra cash in my spare time.

Which explains why I became so excited last week when, while randomly Googling words on the home computer, I stumbled on multiple news reports explaining how I can employ my highly trained nose to earn more than $6,000 in just two months.

You will think I am making this up, but it seems a plant-based pet food company in Britain is making headlines around the world by offering to pay a dog owner more than $6,000 to switch their canine’s diet for two months and — you might want to sit down before reading this next bit — keep track of their pet’s poop smells.

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Saturday, Mar. 5, 2022

Over the almost 40 years I spent in the newspaper business, I like to think I developed a nose for news, an innate ability to sniff out big stories.

Now that I’m mostly retired, however, I need to retrain my journalistic nostrils to track down other ways to make a little extra cash in my spare time.

Which explains why I became so excited last week when, while randomly Googling words on the home computer, I stumbled on multiple news reports explaining how I can employ my highly trained nose to earn more than $6,000 in just two months.

You will think I am making this up, but it seems a plant-based pet food company in Britain is making headlines around the world by offering to pay a dog owner more than $6,000 to switch their canine’s diet for two months and — you might want to sit down before reading this next bit — keep track of their pet’s poop smells.

Squirrels are the cutest, furriest terrorists you might ever meet

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Squirrels are the cutest, furriest terrorists you might ever meet

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Feb. 26, 2022

I think I speak for almost everyone in the free world when I say the time has come to stop the madness.

For the record, I am not talking about unhinged extremists who think it’s fun to occupy our nation’s capital and block border crossings or even the soul-crushing deep freeze that refuses to relinquish its icy grip.

No, I am talking here about something I find even more alarming — the growing menace posed to our planet by rogue bands of extremist squirrels.

As regular readers already know, these bushy-tailed little devils are out to get me because I have published dozens of crusading columns exposing the fact that squirrels pose a greater threat to our power grid than any terrorists.

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Saturday, Feb. 26, 2022

JOE BRYKSA / FREE PRESS FILESDoug is alarmed by the growing menace posed to our planet by rogue bands of extremist squirrels.

Coffee, tea… or concussion?

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Coffee, tea… or concussion?

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Feb. 19, 2022

It is one of the most searing scenes in modern film history, but before we talk about that I want to blather on for a few minutes about an important philosophical concept.

The weighty concept I am referring to here is the notion — and let’s all take a moment to put on our thinking caps — that life tends to imitate art.

The legendary writer Oscar Wilde said a lot of famous things during his lifetime but none more famous than this impressive gem: “Paradox though it may seem — and paradoxes are always dangerous things — it is none the less true that life imitates art far more than art imitates life.”

I’d like you to ponder the beauty of that quote as I describe a gut-wrenching scene from David Cronenberg’s 2005 action thriller A History of Violence, wherein Viggo Mortensen portrays “Tom,” the mild-mannered owner of a modest diner in a small Indiana town who spends his life chatting with customers and serving them coffee and pie.

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Saturday, Feb. 19, 2022

Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen, right), runs a diner and lives a happy and quiet life until one day he attracts the attention of a mobster (Ed Harris) who believes he is someone else in A History of Violence. (Takashi Seida / New Line Cinema)

Mandate this, winter!

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Mandate this, winter!

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Feb. 12, 2022

It was either legendary writer Mark Twain or editor Charles Dudley Warner who famously said everyone talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Well, that changes today. In today’s groundbreaking column, along with talking about the weather, I am going to bravely draw a line in the snow and do something about it.

As a courageous semi-retired newspaper columnist with way too much time on his hands and a low resistance to the cold, I am going to launch what I hope will be a national protest demanding an immediate end to (insert dramatic pause here) winter.

I hereby promise that I will not stop protesting until warmer weather arrives, possibly in April or May, at which point I will personally take credit for the season changing — in your face, Mother Nature — declare myself a national hero, and demand to be inducted into the Order of Canada, or at least have my name engraved on the Stanley Cup.

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Saturday, Feb. 12, 2022

MIKE DEAL / FREE PRESS FILES
Doug is launching a national protest demanding an immediate end to winter.

You’ll never guess who just discovered the joy of winter

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

You’ll never guess who just discovered the joy of winter

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Feb. 5, 2022

This probably will not surprise longtime readers, but I am not one of those hardy Manitobans who courageously embraces outdoor activities during the winter months.

No, I am one of those surly people who bravely embraces their blankets and then pulls them over their head and refuses to get out of bed when the temperature plummets to the point where your medically valuable organs freeze if you are foolish enough to venture outside.

In contrast, my wife cannot get enough of “fun” winter activities, such as cross-country skiing and walking and building snow persons and sitting around the backyard fire pit with a steaming mug of hot chocolate while snow accumulates on the top of her head.

Which explains why every Sunday morning, while I hide under the covers, my wife will join up with our outdoorsy friends Cathy and Paul to engage in some manner of winter adventure. Last Sunday, as I pretended to be asleep, my spouse flicked on the lights and explained it was time for me to get up.

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Saturday, Feb. 5, 2022

This probably will not surprise longtime readers, but I am not one of those hardy Manitobans who courageously embraces outdoor activities during the winter months.

No, I am one of those surly people who bravely embraces their blankets and then pulls them over their head and refuses to get out of bed when the temperature plummets to the point where your medically valuable organs freeze if you are foolish enough to venture outside.

In contrast, my wife cannot get enough of “fun” winter activities, such as cross-country skiing and walking and building snow persons and sitting around the backyard fire pit with a steaming mug of hot chocolate while snow accumulates on the top of her head.

Which explains why every Sunday morning, while I hide under the covers, my wife will join up with our outdoorsy friends Cathy and Paul to engage in some manner of winter adventure. Last Sunday, as I pretended to be asleep, my spouse flicked on the lights and explained it was time for me to get up.

Is that a guitar in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Is that a guitar in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jan. 29, 2022

It wasn’t exactly the crime of the century, but it still managed to make headlines around the world.

That’s because this heist highlighted what appears to be the newest criminal trend — thieves making slow-motion getaways after stuffing stolen items down their pants.

In the most recent case, York Regional Police are searching for a man who wandered into a music store in Richmond Hill, Ont., on Dec. 20 and stole an $8,000 guitar by stashing it in his “extremely large, baggy pants.”

Surveillance video shows the culprit — who was wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs baseball cap, by the way — sitting on a stool in the store and sliding the neck of the $8,000 Gibson Custom Shop 60th Anniversary ‘59 Les Paul standard electric guitar down his pants and concealing the body under his jacket.

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Saturday, Jan. 29, 2022

It wasn’t exactly the crime of the century, but it still managed to make headlines around the world.

That’s because this heist highlighted what appears to be the newest criminal trend — thieves making slow-motion getaways after stuffing stolen items down their pants.

In the most recent case, York Regional Police are searching for a man who wandered into a music store in Richmond Hill, Ont., on Dec. 20 and stole an $8,000 guitar by stashing it in his “extremely large, baggy pants.”

Surveillance video shows the culprit — who was wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs baseball cap, by the way — sitting on a stool in the store and sliding the neck of the $8,000 Gibson Custom Shop 60th Anniversary ‘59 Les Paul standard electric guitar down his pants and concealing the body under his jacket.

Shovelling kid proves heroes come in all shapes and sighs

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Shovelling kid proves heroes come in all shapes and sighs

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jan. 22, 2022

In these troubled times when simply walking out the front door can bring you into contact with a soul-crushing deep freeze or a lethal virus, we need all the heroes we can find.

Fortunately, today’s column is dedicated to a true Canadian hero, a young man whose brutal honesty and dedication to his community is melting hearts — not to mention the Internet — throughout this frozen nation.

I am referring here to nine-year-old Carter Trozzolo, a Grade 3 student in Toronto who skyrocketed to fame this week after he was interviewed by CTV News while shovelling the never-ending piles of snow from the driveways and sidewalks of his and surrounding homes after Monday’s blizzard.

It wasn’t so much that Carter was out there doing battle with his shovel that touched the hearts of Canadians. No, it was the fact that, in a brief interview that has been viewed millions of times, the forlorn little guy made absolutely zero effort to hide his total exhaustion and complete lack of enthusiasm for being tasked with digging out the neighbourhood.

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Saturday, Jan. 22, 2022

TWITTER
Carter Trozzolo, a Grade 3 student in Toronto who skyrocketed to fame this week after he was interviewed by CTV News while shovelling the never-ending piles of snow from the driveways and sidewalks of his and surrounding homes after Monday’s blizzard.

Just when he thought he was out, the treadmill pulls him back in

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Just when he thought he was out, the treadmill pulls him back in

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Jan. 15, 2022

When I retired about a month before Christmas, my “friends” didn’t like the idea of me spending the rest of my life on the couch in the den consuming unhealthy snacks and watching the Great Chocolate Showdown on Food Network.

In an effort to start my retirement on a healthy note, they gave me one of the most unique gifts I have ever received — an advent calendar with 24 little cardboard compartments, inside each of which was hidden a tiny bottle of fancy whisky.

Sadly, however, the calendar came with one major catch — before they’d agree to let me sample these itsy-bitsy bottles, my “friends” insisted I submit to a three-week program wherein I would go walking with one of them (I mean a friend, not a bottle of whisky) each and every day.

Out of a sincere desire to adopt a healthier lifestyle — and with visions of exotic whisky dancing in my head — I quickly agreed to climb off the couch and fling myself into this daily fitness regimen.

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Saturday, Jan. 15, 2022

In with the new, out with the weird

Doug Speirs 7 minute read Preview

In with the new, out with the weird

Doug Speirs 7 minute read Saturday, Jan. 8, 2022

It’s the eighth day of 2022, and all you frostbitten Manitobans know exactly what that means, don’t you?

It means it’s time to curl up beside the fire with a hot mug of cocoa and enjoy the 13th edition of Uncle Doug’s much-beloved Annual Super Cool Guide to What’s In and What’s Out for the New Year.

Before we start looking ahead at a shiny new year, however, we need to take a few seconds to look back. Remember how excited we were just over a year ago as we danced on the grave of 2020, the most dark and deplorable year in anyone’s lifetime?

We knew deep in our hearts that 2021 couldn’t get any worse, right? Ha ha ha! It turns out we were — and I mean this the best way possible — idiots. We should have known 2021 was going to be a dumpster fire when it began with a bunch of lunatics storming the U.S. Capitol building because their guy didn’t win the presidential election.

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Saturday, Jan. 8, 2022

Yuri Gripas / Abaca Press
Out with rioting, in with voting: supporters of former U.S. President Donald Trump stormed the U.S. Capitol Jan. 6, 2021 in a vain attempt to overturn the 2020 election.

Sparkling salute to Riverview’s ‘culture of kindness’

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Sparkling salute to Riverview’s ‘culture of kindness’

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Friday, Dec. 24, 2021

It’s becoming a tradition for the patients, residents and staff at Riverview Health Centre to welcome the new year with a bang — a really big bang.

That’s because, for the second straight year, they are being treated to a spectacular fireworks display on New Year’s Eve.

The fireworks display was first launched last year in honour of Patricia McGarry, who passed away in October 2020 at the age of 93 after spending her final days in Riverview’s palliative care unit.

It’s being presented again by local commercial real estate firm Cushman & Wakefield Stevenson, where McGarry’s son Martin is CEO and her son Kevin is managing broker.

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Friday, Dec. 24, 2021

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Volunteers Brenda Neumann (right) and Krystal Patey from Cushman & Wakefield Stevenson visited about 250 homes Monday to invite them to safely enjoy the New Year’s Eve fireworks that the real estate firm sponsors at Riverview Health Centre.

Polar bear express was senior’s dream come true

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Polar bear express was senior’s dream come true

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Dec. 18, 2021

Geraldine Anderson isn’t asking Santa Claus for anything special this year because the Winnipeg senior has already received the gift of a lifetime.

The 86-year-old resident of Misericordia Place personal care home, accompanied by two health-care aides, was flown to Churchill at the end of October to fulfil her lifelong dream of getting up close and personal with polar bears.

What with her reduced mobility and restrictions designed to curb the global pandemic, it was a dream this bear-loving senior didn’t think she’d live to see come true.

“My feet haven’t touched the ground since I came back from Churchill,” Anderson gushed in a telephone interview earlier this week. “If I was 50 years younger, I wouldn’t have come back.

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Saturday, Dec. 18, 2021

SUPPLIED
‘I saw five polar bears, including a mama and her baby,’ says Geraldine Anderson. ‘I couldn’t breathe.’

Two anniversaries, one man’s dream to stay connected

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Two anniversaries, one man’s dream to stay connected

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Dec. 11, 2021

Winnipeg comedian Big Daddy Tazz is celebrating two remarkable milestones as the city gears up for its second Christmas under the cloud of a global pandemic.

The first milestone came at precisely 8:45 p.m. on Nov. 21 as the famously barrel-chested comic with the impish grin was about one-third of the way through a live show for a sold-out crowd at the Park Theatre.

It was at that moment the alarm on Tazz’s cellphone, which was resting on a stool at centre stage, began beeping. The 54-year-old father of two scooped up the phone as a huge grin threatened to split his cherubic face in two.

“It’s official,” he told the audience. “As of this moment, I have been doing comedy for 30 years. It was exactly 30 years ago I did my first paid gig in Red Deer, Alta.

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Saturday, Dec. 11, 2021

Christie Steffensen photo
Big Daddy Tazz

When it comes to a granddaughter, Doug’s in the Ivy leagues

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

When it comes to a granddaughter, Doug’s in the Ivy leagues

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Saturday, Dec. 4, 2021

For my first weekly freelance column since joining the ranks of the retired at the end of October, I’d like to share a heart-tugging Christmas story.

Unlike most of the columns I wrote during the 15 years I spent as this newspaper’s humour columnist, this story is completely true.

It began on the morning of Dec. 25, 2020, the first Christmas Day the world has spent amid a global pandemic in roughly 100 years and a day when many families had to celebrate from a distance because of public health orders aimed at stemming COVID-19.

My wife, Diane, who I was never allowed to mention by name (until now), and my daughter, Kayleigh, were with me opening presents in our home, while my son, Liam, and his partner, Ava, joined us from their home via Apple’s FaceTime video conferencing app.

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Saturday, Dec. 4, 2021

Supplied
This is how Doug’s son Liam and partner Ava announced Ivy’s pending arrival on Christmas Day last.

Variety’s Winter Wonderland returns, brings holiday cheer to children

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Variety’s Winter Wonderland returns, brings holiday cheer to children

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Monday, Nov. 22, 2021

After being laid off last year by COVID-19 restrictions, Santa was back on the job Monday at Assiniboine Park Zoo, making a special holiday memory for some of the city’s neediest kids.

The Jolly Old Elf, as portrayed by retired Free Press humour columnist Doug Speirs, helped unleash the holiday spirit at the first of two Winter Wonderland parties organized by Variety, the Children’s Charity of Manitoba for hundreds of economically disadvantaged schoolchildren.

The parties organized in conjunction with the Assiniboine Park Conservancy Monday and today were a welcome bright spot for 650 kids from four Winnipeg schools — Lavallee, Frontenac, St. George and Hampstead — as a surging fourth wave has made Manitoba Canada’s COVID-19 hot spot.

“This is the first field trip in almost two years for these kids,” said Jeff Liba, CEO of Variety, which provides specialized equipment, programs and services for children with special needs in Manitoba. “Last year, COVID forced us to do the hamper program. We are so excited this year that we can actually host kids again. It’s very gratifying to see them laughing and smiling.”

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Monday, Nov. 22, 2021

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Santa visits kids from Lavallee School at a Winter Wonderland party organized by Variety for Kids from low-income schools.

In search of comfort from other legendary losers

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

In search of comfort from other legendary losers

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Oct. 30, 2021

Demolished. Dismantled. Destroyed. Humbled. Crushed. Trounced. Humiliated. Pulverized. Annihilated. Flattened. Obliterated. Clobbered. Walloped. Mangled. Massacred.

There are a lot of words that describe what happened to the B.C. Lions last Saturday night when they tangled with the Blue Bombers at IG Field, but the most telling would be the final score: Bombers 45, Lions 0.

The defending Grey Cup-champion Bombers played as close to a perfect game as you’ll ever see, scoring touchdowns on offence, defence and special teams, whereas the Lions... well, not so much.

The Bombers’ performance was so impressive it was almost an afterthought that the victory means they will host a division final for the first time since 2011 when they won the East. It’s the first time Winnipeg will be the site of a West Division final since 1972.

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Saturday, Oct. 30, 2021

B.C. Lions quarterback Mike Reilly gets sacked by Winnipeg Blue Bombers Casey Sayles and Shayne Gauthier (44) at IG Field on Oct. 30. (John Woods / The Canadian Press files)

Blood, sweat and Speirs

Doug Speirs   6 minute read Preview

Blood, sweat and Speirs

Doug Speirs   6 minute read Friday, Oct. 29, 2021

This is my last column for the Winnipeg Free Press — sort of.

After 39 years of reporting, editing and columnizing at this newspaper, I am finally retiring to spend more time lying on the couch with a vise-like grip on the TV remote control.

I will continue writing once-a-week freelance columns about things I find amusing, but mostly I’ll be spending time with my beautiful new granddaughter, Ivy.

But today’s column isn’t so much about looking forward as it is about briefly looking back over 39 years of journalism in the city that became my home when I moved here from Vancouver at age 16.

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Friday, Oct. 29, 2021

Cheers! Columnist Doug Speirs is retiring. (Mike Deal / Winnipeg Free Press files)

Caring columnist tries to carve his way to victory

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Preview

Caring columnist tries to carve his way to victory

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Wednesday, Oct. 27, 2021

I love the fall season more than any other, because this is the only time of year where I am allowed to wander into a shopping mall carrying a butcher knife.

That’s because every October I take part in Carving for a Cause, Kildonan Place Shopping Centre’s annual celebrity pumpkin-carving contest.

This is the 13th straight year I have put my skills on the line for the mall’s big pumpkin throwdown, wherein knife-wielding media carving teams whip up jack-o’-lanterns in support of their favourite charities.

For the first 11 years, knife in hand, I wandered into the mall’s centre court hoping to cover myself in pumpkin guts and glory. And every year, I slouched away, a beaten man, my blade coated in a thick layer of shame and my body soaked with enough perspiration to float a battleship.

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Wednesday, Oct. 27, 2021

DOUG SPEIRS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Reigning cats and dogs: will this year’s adorable entry win Doug the carving crown?

Candy-corn ‘franken-weenie’ a monstrous creation

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Candy-corn ‘franken-weenie’ a monstrous creation

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Oct. 25, 2021

What with there being only six sleeps left until Halloween, I strongly suggest you drop everything — unless it’s a baby or a hot cup of coffee — and head to the store to stock up on candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters, assuming you get any this year.

As soon as I finish writing these words, I personally will be driving to the grocery store to purchase several hundred miniature chocolate bars, despite the fact that last year, the first Halloween of the coronavirus pandemic, we didn’t have a single ghost or goblin or pint-sized Donald Trump darkening our doorway and demanding sugary goodness.

The rule in our house — one that I made up and strictly enforce — is that any leftover Halloween candy can be consumed by the resident newspaper columnist without being forced to endure unwarranted abuse or taunting from any member of his family, including the dogs.

I’m hoping this year we will get some physically distanced kids so my wife will once again experience the joy of doling out treats with kitchen tongs, or possibly a hockey stick, as recommended last Halloween by Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief pubic health officer.

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Monday, Oct. 25, 2021

What with there being only six sleeps left until Halloween, I strongly suggest you drop everything — unless it’s a baby or a hot cup of coffee — and head to the store to stock up on candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters, assuming you get any this year.

As soon as I finish writing these words, I personally will be driving to the grocery store to purchase several hundred miniature chocolate bars, despite the fact that last year, the first Halloween of the coronavirus pandemic, we didn’t have a single ghost or goblin or pint-sized Donald Trump darkening our doorway and demanding sugary goodness.

The rule in our house — one that I made up and strictly enforce — is that any leftover Halloween candy can be consumed by the resident newspaper columnist without being forced to endure unwarranted abuse or taunting from any member of his family, including the dogs.

I’m hoping this year we will get some physically distanced kids so my wife will once again experience the joy of doling out treats with kitchen tongs, or possibly a hockey stick, as recommended last Halloween by Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief pubic health officer.

Orange you glad you’re not a pathetic Lions fan?

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Orange you glad you’re not a pathetic Lions fan?

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 23, 2021

I will be attending a big, noisy party tonight — and I’m pretty sure it’s going to end in tears.

The sad truth is my friends will be disappointed if I am not weeping openly because the whole point of the party is to stare at their big-screen TV, eat grease-containing snacks and watch the hometown Blue Bombers tackle (and potentially mangle) my beloved B.C. Lions.

Unless you have been hiding in a drainpipe since the pandemic began, you will know the Bombers are easily the class of the Canadian Football League, whereas my Lions are playing like a bunch of orange traffic cones that would have a hard time beating the Vienna Boys Choir.

The party invitation arrived on my phone in a group text, which prompted dozens of our Bombers-loving friends to ask what manner of delicious foods they should bring for everyone to enjoy during the game.

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Saturday, Oct. 23, 2021

Columnist Doug Speirs' beloved teddy bear. (Supplied photo)

Putting a price on innocent lives

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Preview

Putting a price on innocent lives

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Saturday, Oct. 23, 2021

It’s a traveller’s worst nightmare — being plucked off the streets of a foreign country by some ruthless gang hoping to swap hostages for cash or advance some nefarious political motive.

Consider the case of 17 missionaries — 16 American and one Canadian — who were abducted by the notoriously violent 400 Mawozo gang as they were leaving an orphanage on a commune in Croix-des-Bouquets, a northeast suburb of the Haitian capital Port-au-Prince last weekend.

The missionaries are affiliated with the Ohio-based Christian Aid Ministries, which says the abducted group is made up of five men, seven women and five children.

 

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Saturday, Oct. 23, 2021

Joseph Odelyn / The Associated Press FILES
Children stand in the courtyard of the Maison La Providence de Dieu orphanage it Ganthier, Croix-des-Bouquets, Haiti, where a gang abducted 17 missionaries, including one Canadian, from a U.S.-based organization.

We are not amused: Queen told to ditch nightly tipple

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

We are not amused: Queen told to ditch nightly tipple

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2021

What with being a crusading newspaper columnist with naturally curly hair, I am morally obligated to weigh in on controversies that pose a burgeoning threat to democracy as we know it.

Which is why today I have decided to courageously draw a line in the sand and issue the following statement that I have spent several valuable minutes thinking about: “Let the Queen have her (bad word) martinis!”

For those of you who are not hardcore royal watchers like me, I will point out that the Queen’s royal physicians have made headlines around the world by advising our monarch to give up one of her few pleasures — a nightly dry martini.

Not that I am a major consumer of martinis, but as a columnist committed to protecting individual rights — especially when those rights belong to one of the wealthiest women in the world — I have to say I am both shocked and appalled that supposed men of science would choose to deny the Queen her beloved nightly tipple, if you catch my drift.

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Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2021

Alastair Grant / The Associated Press FILES
Queen Elizabeth has been advised to give up her nightly dry martini.

It’s a tough spell for official wizards

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

It’s a tough spell for official wizards

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Oct. 18, 2021

What with there being only two weeks until Halloween, I’m not sure this is a good time to fire your official wizard.

But that’s exactly what the New Zealand city of Christchurch did the other day when it dumped its official wizard from the payroll after 23 years of loyal service.

Ha ha ha! OK, I’m not kidding. Christchurch’s city council has ended its contract with the world’s only state-appointed wizard — “I’m going to have to ask you to turn in your wand!” — because it has decided to go in a more modern and diverse direction.

Anyone who has ever read a Harry Potter novel or seen one of the films is probably thinking: “Laying off your wizard just before All Hallow’s Eve can only end in tears, right?” Or as famed American columnist Dave Barry chirped in his blog: “Tomorrow’s headline: City council turned into frogs!”

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Monday, Oct. 18, 2021

Handout / THE CANADIAN PRESS
Ian Brackenbury Channell, 88, has been let go after 23 years of using his wizardly personal to promote the city of Christchurch, New Zealand. And just before Halloween, too!

Shatner inspired tin-foil rocketeers of all ages

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Shatner inspired tin-foil rocketeers of all ages

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021

When I was a pasty-faced kid growing up in Vancouver, I was more than mildly obsessed with the possibility that, one day, I could be blasted into outer space.

My futuristic space fantasies were initially fuelled by spending hours in front of our TV staring at reruns of the classic black-and-white adventure serial Commando Cody: Sky Marshall of the Universe.

This was a highly realistic TV show in which the hero, known as Rocketman, battled the forces of evil by strapping on a rocket-powered black leather jacket, which he operated via highly advanced controls on his chest in the form of three dials labelled “Up,” “Down,” and “Speed.”

Sitting in my pyjamas, I’d watch Rocketman blast off by the standard method of running real fast, wearing a bullet-shaped aluminum helmet that looked like an upside-down garbage container with eye holes cut out, jumping on a hidden trampoline, then, suspended by clearly visible wires, “flying” in an uncomfortable horizontal position with his arms thrust forward.

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Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021

LM Otero / The Associated Press
William Shatner, centre, describes what the g-forces of the Blue Origin lift off did to his face as Chris Boshuizen, left, and Glen de Vries all look on during a media availability at the spaceport near Van Horn, Texas, Wednesday.

Misery in the music

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Preview

Misery in the music

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021

With apologies to American Pie singer Don McLean, the real day the music died was April 10, 1970.

That was the day the breakup of the most beloved band in music history, the Beatles, went from rumour to reality.

In a press release issued that day for his first solo album, McCartney, Paul McCartney leaked his intention to leave. Interviewing himself, Paul said he could not “foresee a time when Lennon-McCartney becomes an active songwriting partnership again.”

Britain’s Daily Mirror ran a front-page headline screaming: “Paul Quits The Beatles.” For the past 51 years, disgruntled fans have placed the blame for the breakup squarely on the singer’s shoulders.

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Saturday, Oct. 16, 2021

Christie's
Paul McCartney, left, and John Lennon

Time to make skeeters Manitoba’s official insect

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Time to make skeeters Manitoba’s official insect

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2021

Before we get to today’s topic, which is paying tribute to the blood-sucking mosquito, I want to give a shout out to the provincial government for honouring Manitoba’s most famous, fearsome and furry resident.

As most of you already know, last week Manitoba’s government introduced legislation to designate the polar bear, the world’s largest living land carnivore, as an official provincial emblem.

“Northern Manitoba is known internationally for its polar bears, tourists come from around the globe to see and learn about these majestic animals in their natural habitat in Churchill,” our caretaker premier, Kelvin Goertzen, announced in a news release Friday.

“Recognizing the polar bear as an official symbol of Manitoba would help build on our province’s brand as the ‘polar bear capital of the world’ and a must-see, one-of-a-kind tourism attraction for visitors of all ages.”

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Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2021

Before we get to today’s topic, which is paying tribute to the blood-sucking mosquito, I want to give a shout out to the provincial government for honouring Manitoba’s most famous, fearsome and furry resident.

As most of you already know, last week Manitoba’s government introduced legislation to designate the polar bear, the world’s largest living land carnivore, as an official provincial emblem.

“Northern Manitoba is known internationally for its polar bears, tourists come from around the globe to see and learn about these majestic animals in their natural habitat in Churchill,” our caretaker premier, Kelvin Goertzen, announced in a news release Friday.

“Recognizing the polar bear as an official symbol of Manitoba would help build on our province’s brand as the ‘polar bear capital of the world’ and a must-see, one-of-a-kind tourism attraction for visitors of all ages.”

A little pizza advice

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

A little pizza advice

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Tuesday, Oct. 12, 2021

If you had been walking past my house the other day, you would have been treated to a magical sound wafting over the back fence.

It sounded something like this: “WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!”

For the record, that is the screaming sound of anguish a large newspaper columnist makes when he is attempting to turn his backyard into an outdoor pizzeria.

What with being a hip and happening columnist, I have jumped onboard what has to be the hottest (and I mean that quite literally) pandemic-related culinary trend — a portable, outdoor, wood-fired pizza oven.

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Tuesday, Oct. 12, 2021

Too much or never enough? Meat-scented gift ideas

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Too much or never enough? Meat-scented gift ideas

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Oct. 11, 2021

I was just starting to nod off the other night when my wife bolted upright in bed.

“I think I smell something,” she sniffed, flicking the light on in our bedroom. “It smells like smoke!”

Which is when she climbed out of bed and slowly began wandering around our bedroom, testing the air until finally she hovered directly over my weary head and inhaled deeply.

“It’s your… hair!” is what she chirped with surprise. “Your hair smells like a burning fireplace.”

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Monday, Oct. 11, 2021

I was just starting to nod off the other night when my wife bolted upright in bed.

“I think I smell something,” she sniffed, flicking the light on in our bedroom. “It smells like smoke!”

Which is when she climbed out of bed and slowly began wandering around our bedroom, testing the air until finally she hovered directly over my weary head and inhaled deeply.

“It’s your… hair!” is what she chirped with surprise. “Your hair smells like a burning fireplace.”

Bees gone bad

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Preview

Bees gone bad

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Saturday, Oct. 9, 2021

It sounded like the cheesy plot from a B-grade Hollywood horror movie.

 

Late last month, the bodies of more than 60 endangered African penguins were discovered on the shores of world-famous Boulder’s Beach not far from Cape Town, South Africa’s second-largest city.

The Southern African Foundation for the Conservation of Coastal Birds initially thought a predator was responsible for the grisly deaths, but postmortems revealed bee stings around the birds’ eyes and flippers.

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Saturday, Oct. 9, 2021

Tom Dorsey / Salina Journal
Swarms of thousands of bees, often of the aggressive Africanized hybrid type (commonly dubbed, “killer” bees), have attacked humans and animals, seriously injuring and even killing victims.

Manitobans buck national beer trend

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Manitobans buck national beer trend

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Tuesday, Oct. 5, 2021

Today I’d like to raise a frosty glass and toast all the brave Manitobans who are doing their part to avert a growing national crisis.

Just to be clear, I am not talking here about the COVID-19 pandemic. No, I am talking about a crisis that cuts to the very heart of what it means to be Canadian — our rapidly declining consumption of beer.

What I’m trying to say is I was overcome with provincial pride this week when I got my mitts on the 2021 Industry Trends report produced by Beer Canada, the national trade association representing more than 50 Canadian brewing companies that account for 90 per cent of the beer made in this country.

According to Beer Canada — and you might want to rest your brew on a coaster before reading this — Canadians of legal drinking age consumed on average 69.3 litres of beer in 2020, a decline of 2.7 per cent from 2019. The 71.2 litres of beer consumed by the average Canadian in 2019 was a decline of 4.6 per cent from 2018.

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Tuesday, Oct. 5, 2021

Dave Martin/The Associated Press files

Bowling for dollars: toilet thefts baffle cops

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Bowling for dollars: toilet thefts baffle cops

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Oct. 4, 2021

As regular readers are already aware, I have dedicated a great deal of my journalistic career to groundbreaking columns detailing the important role toilets play in modern society.

Over the years, I have bravely written a great many hard-hitting columns on commode-related news, including major contests wherein you can win a toilet equipped with a big-screen TV and state-of-the-art stereo system, motion-activated night lights that transform your toilet into a 1970s-style disco ball, and a baseball fanatic whose cremated remains were being flushed down the toilets in every Major League Baseball park in North America.

Not to mention the gripping story of a Canadian stuntwoman who set a world record a few years back for being the fastest person on a toilet after equipping her throne with wheels and an engine and racing it at a speed of 75 km/h around Sydney Olympic Park in Australia.

Despite this heroic commitment to defending the public’s right to know about toilets making headlines around the world, my efforts have still not been rewarded with a major journalism prize. Go figure.

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Monday, Oct. 4, 2021

Police in the U.K. appear to be completely baffled by the shocking theft of an 18-carat gold toilet worth an estimated $6.5 million that was stolen from Blenheim Palace. Stu Spivack photo

VP of bark-eting

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

VP of bark-eting

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 2, 2021

For Canadian companies looking to build back bigger and better post-pandemic, going to the dogs might be their best option.

According to a survey that landed in my email inbox this week, dogs can be a hard-working employee’s best friend.

“Today, dogs are integral members of people’s families, which means workers no longer want to leave their pups behind when they go to the office,” howled the survey from The Dog People at rover.com, a website that touts itself as the world’s largest and most trusted network of five-star pet sitters and dog walkers.

“And the pandemic has only amplified this sentiment by forcing so many to work remotely, often at home with their pets by their sides,” the Canine Co-workers Are the Future of Work report barked. “In fact, the majority (72 per cent) of Canadian dog owners now place even more importance on working for a dog-friendly company than they did before the pandemic. What does this mean for the future of work? Whether people are working remotely or commuting to the office, we at Rover think it’s safe to say there will be dogs — lots of dogs.”

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Saturday, Oct. 2, 2021

MIKE DEAL / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS FILES
Walter is a frequent and welcome visitor to the Winnipeg Free Press newsroom.

Is the foil on a little tight, Doug?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Is the foil on a little tight, Doug?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 29, 2021

Being a crusading newspaper columnist, I am always on the lookout for hip and happening new trends to check out.

Which explains why the other day I decided to wrap my feet in aluminum foil.

There I was, parked in front of the home computer, perusing random sites on the internet, when I stumbled on a website with this intriguing headline: “Try wrapping your feet in aluminum foil!”

The website, tips-and-tricks.co, featured a story about all the cool things you can do with aluminum foil, such as getting rid of static cling, sharpening your scissors, and ironing clothes when you don’t have time to iron your clothes.

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Wednesday, Sep. 29, 2021

Being a crusading newspaper columnist, I am always on the lookout for hip and happening new trends to check out.

Which explains why the other day I decided to wrap my feet in aluminum foil.

There I was, parked in front of the home computer, perusing random sites on the internet, when I stumbled on a website with this intriguing headline: “Try wrapping your feet in aluminum foil!”

The website, tips-and-tricks.co, featured a story about all the cool things you can do with aluminum foil, such as getting rid of static cling, sharpening your scissors, and ironing clothes when you don’t have time to iron your clothes.

Trying to get a handle on 65 candles

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Trying to get a handle on 65 candles

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Sep. 27, 2021

I don’t know how I managed it, but somehow I have gone from being the youngest person in our newsroom to the oldest.

Back in 1982, there I was, a bright-eyed rookie reporter, sitting in our old building on Carlton Street, wearing a super-skinny leather tie that was in style at the time and a pair of jeans with a (wait for it) 32-inch waist.

I was 26 years old at the time and, despite the fact we did not have cellphones or the ability to Google random facts, 1982 was an amazing time to be a young person.

A guy named Trudeau was sitting in the prime minister’s chair, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was doing blockbuster business at the box office, Michael Jackson’s Thriller was rocketing to the top of the charts, Argentina and the U.K. went to war over the Falkland Islands, and Queen Elizabeth flew over to help proclaim the Constitution Act on a rainy day in Ottawa, helping to make us fully independent of Great Britain.

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Monday, Sep. 27, 2021

I don’t know how I managed it, but somehow I have gone from being the youngest person in our newsroom to the oldest.

Back in 1982, there I was, a bright-eyed rookie reporter, sitting in our old building on Carlton Street, wearing a super-skinny leather tie that was in style at the time and a pair of jeans with a (wait for it) 32-inch waist.

I was 26 years old at the time and, despite the fact we did not have cellphones or the ability to Google random facts, 1982 was an amazing time to be a young person.

A guy named Trudeau was sitting in the prime minister’s chair, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was doing blockbuster business at the box office, Michael Jackson’s Thriller was rocketing to the top of the charts, Argentina and the U.K. went to war over the Falkland Islands, and Queen Elizabeth flew over to help proclaim the Constitution Act on a rainy day in Ottawa, helping to make us fully independent of Great Britain.

It’s time to squash pervasive pumpkin-spice trend

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Preview

It’s time to squash pervasive pumpkin-spice trend

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Saturday, Sep. 25, 2021

I didn’t think things could get any worse, but I can see now that I was a fool.

I am referring here to the out-of-control trend wherein manufacturers of everything — from house paint to underarm deodorant — feel compelled to pump up their products with pumpkin spice.

Don’t get me wrong, kids. I don’t mind some things smelling and tasting of pumpkin spice; what I strenuously object to, however, is the alarming campaign to make EVERYTHING smell and taste like pumpkin spice.

Tragically, fall has come to be defined not by crunchy leaves, wool sweaters and trick-or-treaters, but by the fact that the moment you walk outside in the weeks from September through November your nostrils are assailed by the stench of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, allspice and cloves.

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Saturday, Sep. 25, 2021

Pumpkin Spice Spam (Hormel Foods)

Public service, private matters

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Preview

Public service, private matters

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Saturday, Sep. 25, 2021

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is no stranger to generating headlines around the world, but not like this.

Consider this gem that topped a story in the venerable Washington Post: “Boris Johnson confirms he has six children. This is a big story in Britain.”

Johnson’s fatherhood confession is getting a lot of media attention because it’s a question the twice-divorced leader has been dodging for years in countless interviews and press conferences.

“I think what people want to hear is what plans we have,” Johnson said ahead of the 2019 election when a radio host asked how many children he had. “I love my children very much but they are not standing at this election and I’m not therefore going to comment.”

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Saturday, Sep. 25, 2021

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is welcomed to the U.S. Capitol in Washington by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2021. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

So long summer; bring on autumn’s charms

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

So long summer; bring on autumn’s charms

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 22, 2021

I hate shrieking at readers in all caps, but there’s something I need to share as loudly as possible — SUMMER IS OVER!

Seriously, summer will vanish at 2:20 p.m. today when, astronomically speaking, the autumnal equinox rolls into town to signal the first official day of fall.

For those of you who do not own white lab coats and pocket protectors, the equinox is the precise moment that the sun crosses the celestial equator — you know, the imaginary line in the sky above the Earth’s equator — from north to south, and vice versa in March.

It marks the two times each year (spring and fall) when day and night are roughly the same length because the sun shines directly on the equator, which will mean something if you are reading today’s column while standing on the equator, but otherwise, never mind.

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Wednesday, Sep. 22, 2021

I hate shrieking at readers in all caps, but there’s something I need to share as loudly as possible — SUMMER IS OVER!

Seriously, summer will vanish at 2:20 p.m. today when, astronomically speaking, the autumnal equinox rolls into town to signal the first official day of fall.

For those of you who do not own white lab coats and pocket protectors, the equinox is the precise moment that the sun crosses the celestial equator — you know, the imaginary line in the sky above the Earth’s equator — from north to south, and vice versa in March.

It marks the two times each year (spring and fall) when day and night are roughly the same length because the sun shines directly on the equator, which will mean something if you are reading today’s column while standing on the equator, but otherwise, never mind.

A plurality of pepperoni, if you please

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

A plurality of pepperoni, if you please

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Sep. 20, 2021

Prepare to become extremely excited, kids, because the big day is finally here.

As most of you already know, today, Sept. 20, is (insert dramatic pause here) National Pepperoni Pizza Day, the day on which we are urged to celebrate by ordering a pizza the size and shape of a manhole cover.

“Pepperonis are the indisputable king of the pizza topping world, and for good reason — everyone likes pepperoni pizza!” gushes the website nationaltoday.com. “Looking for a crowd pleaser? Pizza’s your go-to. Why? Well, because only one in 50 people surveyed hate it. There might not be anything else in the world that 98 per cent of people agree on!”

Speaking of pizza, I hasten to add that today also happens to be — and I have heard this from reliable sources that almost never lie to me — the date of the federal election.

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Monday, Sep. 20, 2021

Prepare to become extremely excited, kids, because the big day is finally here.

As most of you already know, today, Sept. 20, is (insert dramatic pause here) National Pepperoni Pizza Day, the day on which we are urged to celebrate by ordering a pizza the size and shape of a manhole cover.

“Pepperonis are the indisputable king of the pizza topping world, and for good reason — everyone likes pepperoni pizza!” gushes the website nationaltoday.com. “Looking for a crowd pleaser? Pizza’s your go-to. Why? Well, because only one in 50 people surveyed hate it. There might not be anything else in the world that 98 per cent of people agree on!”

Speaking of pizza, I hasten to add that today also happens to be — and I have heard this from reliable sources that almost never lie to me — the date of the federal election.

The ring is the thing

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Preview

The ring is the thing

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Saturday, Sep. 18, 2021

Pop superstar Britney Spears is making headlines again, but this time it has nothing to do with her much-publicized battle to end a 13-year conservatorship that has controlled both her personal life and finances.

No, Spears is in the news again after announcing her engagement to boyfriend Sam Asghari with a wildly exuberant post displaying a glitzy diamond ring.

The pop singer, 39, and the actor-fitness enthusiast, 27, announced their engagement on Instagram on Sunday hours before the music world hit the red carpet for the 2021 MTV Video Music Awards.

The focus of the online announcement was the four-carat round brilliant stone in a platinum cathedral setting that is engraved inside the silver band with “lioness,” a nod to Asghari’s nickname for Spears.

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Saturday, Sep. 18, 2021

The Associated Press files
FILE - In this Feb. 24, 1981 file photo Britain’s Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer pose following the announcement of their engagement. Today, few people seem the least bit concerned that Prince William and Kate Middleton, set for the royal wedding on April 29, have been living together off and on since their university days. (AP Photo/Pool, File)

Me, hate cute little squirrels? You must be nuts

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Preview

Me, hate cute little squirrels? You must be nuts

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Saturday, Sep. 18, 2021

I was standing in the backyard next to a very tall tree, sipping the first coffee of the day, trying to think of a topic for today’s column, when suddenly it hit me.

No, I was not struck by a sudden inspiration. I was bonked on the top of my head by a pine cone the size of a regulation volleyball.

In quick succession, several more potentially lethal pine cones plummeted from the sky and thudded into the ground near my feet.

“I can see you up there!” I shrieked, waving my fist at the sky. “You are not going to get away with this!”

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Saturday, Sep. 18, 2021

Dreamstime/TNS

When the cookies crumble, children benefit

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

When the cookies crumble, children benefit

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 15, 2021

When the world starts to crumble, cookies are always there to help pick up the pieces.

That’s been delicious news for the Children’s Rehabilitation Foundation, which for the past seven years has relied on Tim Hortons’ annual Smile Cookie campaign to help it raise critical fundraising dough.

For the first five years, my buddy Big Daddy Tazz the comedian and I helped kick off the campaign by taking part in a cookie-decorating contest that resembled a European soccer riot mixed with a kindergarten Christmas pageant.

But for the past two pandemic-fuelled years, it hasn’t been possible to have a throng of media teams crowd into centre court at Polo Park shopping centre to launch the campaign, during which the proceeds from every $1 Smile Cookie sold in the city until this Sunday go to help local non-profit organizations.

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Wednesday, Sep. 15, 2021

DOUG SPEIRS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
What with all the wasps this year, I made one out of black and yellow icing to help kick off this year’s Tim Hortons’ Smile Cookie campaign, which runs until Sunday the 19th.

Wasp magnetism key to being bocce MVP

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Wasp magnetism key to being bocce MVP

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Sep. 13, 2021

What with the federal election campaign, the fourth wave of the coronavirus epidemic, the huge infestation of wasps, and the chaos in Afghanistan, I’m guessing most of you are champing at the bit to hear how my bocce ball team is doing.

I personally do not wish to brag about our success, but my bocce team is heading for the playoffs, which start this week. Technically speaking, all 24 teams in our league are going to the playoffs, but we are not about to let that fact dampen our enthusiasm.

I know what some of you are thinking. You are thinking: “Bocce? Huh???” I can understand your confusion. Unless you spend a huge portion of your free time hanging around an Italian restaurant, chances are you have never heard of this action-packed game.

What you need to know is that bocce was invented by the ancient Egyptians, who used to play with polished rocks. It was eventually taken over by the Italians and someone came up with the genius idea of using grapefruit-sized balls made of rubber and resin and — voilá! — the modern game, roughly pronounced “BOW-chay,” was born.

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Monday, Sep. 13, 2021

Candace Elliott / Edmonton Journal
No tape measure required in this bocce match.

Another harebrained scheme comes up short

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Another harebrained scheme comes up short

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 15, 2021

What with being a big-shot newspaper columnist with champagne tastes and a beer budget, I am always scanning the horizon for get-rich-quick schemes.

I am talking here about the sort of genius schemes that allow participants to bring in big bucks without having to break a sweat or lift anything heavier than an icy mug of beer.

I discovered my latest concept for becoming insanely wealthy the other day while scouring the internet for the sort of idiotic stories that people with too much time on their hands find amusing.

Which is how I stumbled on a gaggle of news reports about how a baseball-sized clump of hair that came from the head of Elvis Presley sold at auction last weekend for (wait for it) US$72,500.

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Wednesday, Sep. 15, 2021

In March 1958, singer Elvis Presley gets his hair cut before entering the Army at Fort Chaffee in Barling, Ark. (The Associated Press files)

Beasts a-blurtin’

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Beasts a-blurtin’

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Sep. 11, 2021

If it walks like a duck and talks like a human, chances are it’s getting scientists very excited and making headlines around the world.

For the record, we’re not talking about Donald or Daffy or some other cartoon duck. No, we’re talking about recordings of an Australian musk duck named “Ripper” repeatedly saying what sounds like “you bloody fool.”

The 34-year-old recording, recently made public, appears to be the first documented evidence of the species being able to mimic sounds and has researchers reviewing the evolution of vocal language learning in birds.

According to news reports, Ripper, a male musk duck reared in captivity at Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve, southwest of Canberra, was recorded vocalizing the sound of doors slamming shut as well as the words “you bloody fool,” a phrase he likely learned from his caretaker.

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Saturday, Sep. 11, 2021

If it walks like a duck and talks like a human, chances are it’s getting scientists very excited and making headlines around the world.

For the record, we’re not talking about Donald or Daffy or some other cartoon duck. No, we’re talking about recordings of an Australian musk duck named “Ripper” repeatedly saying what sounds like “you bloody fool.”

The 34-year-old recording, recently made public, appears to be the first documented evidence of the species being able to mimic sounds and has researchers reviewing the evolution of vocal language learning in birds.

According to news reports, Ripper, a male musk duck reared in captivity at Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve, southwest of Canberra, was recorded vocalizing the sound of doors slamming shut as well as the words “you bloody fool,” a phrase he likely learned from his caretaker.

The grass is always greener when it’s artificial

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

The grass is always greener when it’s artificial

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 8, 2021

The good news is that my famously lousy lawn is now entirely green.

The bad news — and all you home and garden enthusiasts will appreciate this — is that it is now two distinct shades of green.

For the record, the portions of my lawn made up of real grass are, thanks to the recent intense rains, the sort of soothing green that is found in nature.

But in my back yard, in the spot where our giant inflatable pool used to sit, there is what appears to be a gigantic crop circle that is the same sort of electric green you would normally find on a miniature golf course.

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Wednesday, Sep. 8, 2021

The good news is that my famously lousy lawn is now entirely green.

The bad news — and all you home and garden enthusiasts will appreciate this — is that it is now two distinct shades of green.

For the record, the portions of my lawn made up of real grass are, thanks to the recent intense rains, the sort of soothing green that is found in nature.

But in my back yard, in the spot where our giant inflatable pool used to sit, there is what appears to be a gigantic crop circle that is the same sort of electric green you would normally find on a miniature golf course.

At long last, pair of beer-related mysteries solved

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

At long last, pair of beer-related mysteries solved

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Tuesday, Sep. 7, 2021

Now that they have finally solved most of the mysteries of the known universe, scientists finally have enough time on their hands to focus on things that really matter.

As most of you educated readers have already deduced, I am referring to the two great mysteries that have surrounded the consumption of beer since the first pint was poured.

I do not wish to crack open my own six-pack, so to speak, but I personally have a pretty amazing journalistic track record when it comes to solving beer-related mysteries.

For instance, in 2019, it was my readers who helped author and Canadian Football League historian Paul Woods track down the mysterious fan who flung a beer can from the stands at the 1991 Grey Cup in Winnipeg, narrowly missing Raghib “Rocket” Ismail of the Toronto Argonauts as he raced into the end zone to score the game-clinching touchdown.

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Tuesday, Sep. 7, 2021

Now that they have finally solved most of the mysteries of the known universe, scientists finally have enough time on their hands to focus on things that really matter.

As most of you educated readers have already deduced, I am referring to the two great mysteries that have surrounded the consumption of beer since the first pint was poured.

I do not wish to crack open my own six-pack, so to speak, but I personally have a pretty amazing journalistic track record when it comes to solving beer-related mysteries.

For instance, in 2019, it was my readers who helped author and Canadian Football League historian Paul Woods track down the mysterious fan who flung a beer can from the stands at the 1991 Grey Cup in Winnipeg, narrowly missing Raghib “Rocket” Ismail of the Toronto Argonauts as he raced into the end zone to score the game-clinching touchdown.

Let’s face it… today is a pretty big, hairy deal

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Let’s face it… today is a pretty big, hairy deal

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Sep. 4, 2021

By the hair on my chinny chin chin, I can tell today is an extremely special day.

Before I explain, allow me to point out that I normally do not use this column to discuss special days on the calendar.

That’s because for the past three months I have been using our Uplift newsletter to spread joy and mirth via the journalistic technique of explaining what is special about the day it arrives in your email inbox, which is every Wednesday.

If for mysterious reasons Uplift does not land in your email inbox each Wednesday, you can subscribe to it — and all the other entertaining and educational Free Press newsletters — by clicking on https://fpnewsplatform.winnipegfreepress.com/email-alerts.

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Saturday, Sep. 4, 2021

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS

No match for Momma

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

No match for Momma

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Sep. 4, 2021

It’s a hard and fast rule — never get between a mother and her children.

Tragically, a young mountain lion learned that lesson the hard way last week after it attacked a five-year-old boy in the front yard of the family home in Calabasas, Calif.

According to dozens of news reports, the boy was playing by a tree near his home in Calabasas, west of Los Angeles, on Thursday morning when a 65-pound mountain lion attacked, dragging the child for about 41 metres.

Alerted by her son’s screams, the boy’s mother came running to the rescue and the fierce lion proved no match for the protective mom. Reports making headlines around the world state the mom saved her child by repeatedly punching the big cat with her bare hands.

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Saturday, Sep. 4, 2021

CP
A mountain lion (not pictured) attacked a five-year-old boy and dragged the child across his front lawn in southern California on Thursday, before being fended off by the boy’s mom. Many such incidents of motherly courage have been documented by media. (U.S. National Park Service / The Associated Press files)

Wasps! Run for the… couch

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Wasps! Run for the… couch

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 1, 2021

The last thing we all needed as summer winds to an end was yet another reason to hide in our houses.

But that’s just the way life rolls when your city — and pretty much every other city on the continent — is besieged by a plague of overly aggressive wasps.

If you have been foolish enough to step outside in recent weeks, you will know that wasps are everywhere!

Thanks to this summer’s drought, wasp populations have exploded and the yellow-and-black pests are more aggressive than ever because bone-dry conditions have hurt their natural food source of insects and flowers.

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Wednesday, Sep. 1, 2021

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Wasps are important pollinators, but sometimes see big, burly journalists as a source of food.

A beef with boundary-breaking bovines

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

A beef with boundary-breaking bovines

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Aug. 30, 2021

I do not wish to pick another fight with Manitoba’s beef producers, but as a crusading newspaper columnist I feel it is incumbent on me to warn the general population about the imminent threat cows pose to the planet.

By way of background, I will confess that back in 2017 a Manitoba farm lobby group made a bit of a stink after I wrote a column wherein I cited news reports stating cows threaten the planet because they pump a lot of methane into the atmosphere via their flatulence and, especially, their belches.

You will not be surprised to learn that, in that column, I gave in to my barnyard instincts and made a lot of lame jokes about cows farting. It would be an understatement to suggest the Manitoba Beef Producers were not amused.

In other words, they had a beef with me. Which is why they fired off an extremely polite and informative letter making the central point that I am a bit of a doofus and had done a disservice to Manitoba’s hard-working beef producers.

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Monday, Aug. 30, 2021

MIKE APORIUS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS FILES
Doug Speirs gets down to business in the cow-milking competition at the Manitoba Stampede and Exhibition in Morris in 2006.

I was tickled pink to caddie for these Twisted Sisters

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

I was tickled pink to caddie for these Twisted Sisters

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Aug. 28, 2021

I should warn you that I may become a touch emotional in today’s column because I am pretty sure that, for the last time in my life, I have been forced to dye my hair a shocking shade of pink.

This misty-eyed moment took place Monday morning at Bridges Golf Course about 40 kilometres southwest of Winnipeg where I once again caddied in the Pink Ribbon Ladies Golf Classic for Hope, the largest women-only golf tournament in the province.

This is the tournament wherein each of the 32 four-woman teams is assigned a hairy-legged person of my gender as a caddie to cater to their every whim, a manly man who not only keeps score, lines up putts, retrieves errant balls and fetches cold beverages, but does it while wearing a golf shirt so shockingly pink circus clowns would refuse to wear one on the grounds it was beneath their dignity.

It was the 12th year I have caddied for a group of veteran female golfers known as The Twisted Sisters, and since 2011 the other key tradition has been that, once we get out on the course, I allow these fun-loving women to use a can of spray-on hair colour to turn my sandy-coloured locks a stunning shade of “Lynx Pink.”

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Saturday, Aug. 28, 2021

Supplied
Doug applies a few shots of pink hair colouring to the head of Twisted Sister Michelle Greenwood.

Paralympic titans

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Preview

Paralympic titans

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Saturday, Aug. 28, 2021

It would be fair to say Canada got off to a hot start at the pandemic-delayed Paralympic Games in Tokyo.

On the first day of competition, Canada’s athletes didn’t waste any time clinching spots on the podium at the 16th Paralympics, which will see some 4,400 athletes and guides from 162 countries — including 128 Canadians — compete in 22 sports.

Canadian track cyclist Keely Shaw raced to a bronze-medal finish in the women’s C4 3,000-metre individual pursuit Wednesday — becoming the first Canadian to earn a medal at the Tokyo Paralympics.

“I’m so excited to be able to show off all the work the entire team has done in the last five years and have that come out with a bronze medal for Canada,” said Shaw, who played ice hockey before a 2009 accident when she fell off a horse, resulting in left-side paralysis.

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Saturday, Aug. 28, 2021

Canada's Keely Shaw poses with the bronze medal during the victory ceremony for the Cycling Track Women's C4 3000m Individual Pursuit at the Tokyo 2020 Paralympic Games, Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2021, in Izu, Shizuoka prefecture, Japan. THE CANADIAN PRESS/AP-Shuji Kajiyama

Strolling for the gold is no cakewalk

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Strolling for the gold is no cakewalk

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Aug. 9, 2021

As I lay on the couch in our den Thursday evening watching the seemingly never-ending 50-kilometre race walk unfold at the Tokyo Summer Olympics, I found myself thinking about Cary Grant.

Thoughts of the late, great Hollywood leading man made their way into my brain because Grant starred in one of the favourite movies of my youth, the 1966 romantic comedy Walk, Don’t Run.

Grant’s final film role, the movie is set during the 1964 Summer Olympics — also held in Tokyo — and revolved around (brace yourselves for another coincidence) the 50-km race walk.

As we watched Canadian Evan Dunfee of Richmond, B.C., and 58 other athletes waddling along in the scorching heat and humidity of Sapporo, Japan, on our big-screen TV, I felt compelled to tell my wife how much I loved Walk, Don’t Run.

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Monday, Aug. 9, 2021

Eugene Hoshiko / The Associated Press
Canada’s Evan Dunfee captured the bronze medal with an incredible last-minute surge, earning Canada’s first Olympic race walking medal in 29 years in the 50-km race in Sapporo, Japan, on Friday.

My ugly, smelly, old fridge is out to get me

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

My ugly, smelly, old fridge is out to get me

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Aug. 7, 2021

I don’t normally find myself seething with rage as I flip through the pages of Reader’s Digest, but this time I couldn’t help myself.

What triggered my overflowing anger was an enlightening article entitled “Seven Ways You’re Shortening the Life of Your Refrigerator.”

It contained helpful tips on things you should — or shouldn’t — do if you want to ensure your fridge enjoys a long and healthy life in your kitchen.

For instance, Tip No. 7 — “You ignore weird noises or constant running” — explained that if your fridge is always running, or running louder than usual, you should take action right away.

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Saturday, Aug. 7, 2021

I don’t normally find myself seething with rage as I flip through the pages of Reader’s Digest, but this time I couldn’t help myself.

What triggered my overflowing anger was an enlightening article entitled “Seven Ways You’re Shortening the Life of Your Refrigerator.”

It contained helpful tips on things you should — or shouldn’t — do if you want to ensure your fridge enjoys a long and healthy life in your kitchen.

For instance, Tip No. 7 — “You ignore weird noises or constant running” — explained that if your fridge is always running, or running louder than usual, you should take action right away.

These Olympians deserve a medal for sportsmanship

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

These Olympians deserve a medal for sportsmanship

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Aug. 7, 2021

Soccer legend Christine Sinclair, captain of the Canadian women’s national team, had every reason to celebrate.

She had just helped her team pull off one of the biggest upsets in its history at the Tokyo Summer Olympics on Monday, beating the U.S. Women’s National Team for the first time in 20 years and earning a spot in the gold-medal game.

But at the end of the semifinal match, Sinclair didn’t immediately begin celebrating with her squad. Instead, the all-time leading goal scorer (man or woman) in the history of international soccer made her way across the field to despondent American midfielder Lindsey Horan and wrapped her in a tight hug.

The two are teammates on the Portland Thorns, and Sinclair knew she needed to comfort the younger player. As the cameras looked on, the Canadian legend, 38, who serves as the Thorns captain, gave an animated pep talk to a visibly distraught Horan, 27, who has fallen short of the gold at two consecutive Olympics.

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Saturday, Aug. 7, 2021

Frank Gunn / The Canadian Press
Team Canada forward Christine Sinclair consoles Team United States midfielder Lindsey Horan after their semifinal match. The two are teammates with the Portland Thorns of the National Women’s Soccer League.

Tail definitely wags the dog in this household

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Tail definitely wags the dog in this household

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Aug. 4, 2021

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m going to just blurt it out — I am home alone!

I am not looking for sympathy, but my beloved spouse, She Who Must Not Be Named, is spending a couple of days relaxing at a cottage at the lake with her sister and a few close friends.

What that means — and you are going to have a hard time believing this — is that our two small white fluffy dogs and I have been left to our own devices, so to speak.

Again, I am not looking for sympathy, but I am not entirely sure my survival skills are equal to the task in the sense that operating any of the high-tech labour-saving devices in our home (other than the big-screen TV) is pretty much beyond my limited capabilities.

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Wednesday, Aug. 4, 2021

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m going to just blurt it out — I am home alone!

I am not looking for sympathy, but my beloved spouse, She Who Must Not Be Named, is spending a couple of days relaxing at a cottage at the lake with her sister and a few close friends.

What that means — and you are going to have a hard time believing this — is that our two small white fluffy dogs and I have been left to our own devices, so to speak.

Again, I am not looking for sympathy, but I am not entirely sure my survival skills are equal to the task in the sense that operating any of the high-tech labour-saving devices in our home (other than the big-screen TV) is pretty much beyond my limited capabilities.

Faster, higher, stronger? How about weepier?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Faster, higher, stronger? How about weepier?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Tuesday, Aug. 3, 2021

As a legendary Canadian couch potato, I typically find myself stockpiling a mountain of supplies in my den whenever the Olympic Games roll around.

The items I cannot do without obviously include a healthy supply of greasy snacks and icy adult beverages, but there is a surprising item at the top of my shopping list — a family-sized box of tissues.

I could not imagine lying on the couch in our den and watching the Olympic action unfold on my TV without a healthy supply of tissues to dab at my eyes when some heart-tugging moment punches me right in the feelings.

I am a sucker for those powerful moments when Olympians celebrate the thrill of victory or bravely endure the agony of defeat.

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Tuesday, Aug. 3, 2021

Supplied
An ad featuring Paralympian Jessica Long might be the most moving thing at the Olympics.

It appears to be leap year in frog-infested yard

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

It appears to be leap year in frog-infested yard

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 31, 2021

There has been a lot of high jumping going on at my house over the past week.

No, I’m not referring to the stunning displays of athleticism playing out on the big-screen TV in my den, where I have been spending all of my free time watching athletes in Spider-Man-style Spandex suits strutting their stuff at the Tokyo Summer Olympics.

And, no, I am not referring to high-jumping grasshoppers, although we are currently hip deep in those plant-eating pests.

What I am referring to is the fact that our backyard has been invaded by an army of frogs of biblical proportions.

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Saturday, Jul. 31, 2021

There has been a lot of high jumping going on at my house over the past week.

No, I’m not referring to the stunning displays of athleticism playing out on the big-screen TV in my den, where I have been spending all of my free time watching athletes in Spider-Man-style Spandex suits strutting their stuff at the Tokyo Summer Olympics.

And, no, I am not referring to high-jumping grasshoppers, although we are currently hip deep in those plant-eating pests.

What I am referring to is the fact that our backyard has been invaded by an army of frogs of biblical proportions.

Olympians crossed the sportsmanship line with bites, kicks and brawls

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Olympians crossed the sportsmanship line with bites, kicks and brawls

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Jul. 31, 2021

You might say Moroccan boxer Youness Baalla really sank his teeth into the Olympic spirit during his opening bout at the Summer Games in Tokyo.

That’s because Baalla, 22, tried to literally take a bite out of opponent David Nyika’s ear late in the third and final round of his loss to the New Zealand fighter.

Baalla decided to channel Mike Tyson — who famously took a chunk out of Evander Holyfield’s ear during a championship fight at Madison Square Garden in 1997 — during a clinch in the centre of the ring.

The fight continued and Nyika, who was one of New Zealand’s flag bearers at the Games opening ceremony, registered a 5-0 win to book a spot in the quarter-finals. He was surprised the referee didn’t see the attempted bite, which was only picked up on television.

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Saturday, Jul. 31, 2021

Frank Franklin II / The Associated Press
After taking it on the chin, Youness Baalla, of Morocco, tried to take a bite out of his opponent — New Zealand’s David Nyika.

Robot revolution may be on hold after all

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Robot revolution may be on hold after all

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Jul. 28, 2021

This is not easy to admit, but I’m starting to think I may have made a terrible mistake.

I am referring, of course, to the dozens of columns I have written in recent years warning about the looming Robot Revolution, wherein all of our state-of-the-art smart appliances develop supreme artificial intelligence and morph into cruel robotic overlords that will enslave mankind for generations.

But I began having serious doubts about this potential insurrection over the weekend, which I spent lying on the couch in our den stuffing my face with grease-containing snacks and watching countless hours of action from the Tokyo Summer Olympics on my big-screen TV.

I was feeling pretty relaxed until halftime of the basketball game between the men’s teams from the U.S. and France, which is when a spooky seven-foot-tall figure wearing a No. 95 jersey rolled onto the court, picked up a ball, and began draining long-distance buckets with 100 per cent accuracy.

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Wednesday, Jul. 28, 2021

The robot ‘CUE’ takes to the court during halftime of the the 2020 Olympic men’s basketball game between the U.S. and France last weekend.

Cool comfort more than worth the cost

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Cool comfort more than worth the cost

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jul. 26, 2021

I would like to begin today’s column with the following expression of unfettered joy: “Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!”

That upbeat icy statement is inspired by the fact that, for the first time in over three (very bad word) weeks, the inside of my house does not feel like an oven.

In fact, as I write these words on the home computer, I am feeling chilly to the point where I may have to swap my Bermuda shorts for a pair of fuzzy sweatpants.

That’s because a few minutes ago our beloved air-conditioning guy, Gerry, finished the final tweaks on our brand new AC unit, which replaced the 32-year-old system that dropped dead the day before Canada Day.

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Monday, Jul. 26, 2021

I would like to begin today’s column with the following expression of unfettered joy: “Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!”

That upbeat icy statement is inspired by the fact that, for the first time in over three (very bad word) weeks, the inside of my house does not feel like an oven.

In fact, as I write these words on the home computer, I am feeling chilly to the point where I may have to swap my Bermuda shorts for a pair of fuzzy sweatpants.

That’s because a few minutes ago our beloved air-conditioning guy, Gerry, finished the final tweaks on our brand new AC unit, which replaced the 32-year-old system that dropped dead the day before Canada Day.

Mischievous mongrel unleashes flurry of worry

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Mischievous mongrel unleashes flurry of worry

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 24, 2021

It was early the other morning and I was starting my day the way I always do — flipping through the newspaper while floating in the bathtub.

But the tranquility of my morning ritual was shattered when, suddenly and without warning, the telephone began loudly chirping on the magazine rack beside the tub.

Dripping wet, I answered the phone and a voice at the other end declared: “Hello, this is Lifeline calling. Your sister-in-law’s medical alert bracelet was activated this morning and we haven’t been able to reach her.”

“Oh,” is what I recall saying, because as a professional newspaper columnist I am trained how to react in stressful situations.

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Saturday, Jul. 24, 2021

supplied
Donamae holds her trained therapy dog/pet Mark-Cuss and while sporting a new Lifeline medical alert bracelet. Mark-Cuss stole the last bracelet and chewed it, thereby triggering frantic calls to see if she was safe.

Drones fun for some, flying terror for others

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Drones fun for some, flying terror for others

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Jul. 24, 2021

Despite being relatively small, drones can cause some seriously large problems.

These remote-controlled flying devices — also known as “unmanned aerial vehicles” — can be a lot of fun for their operators, but they can also pose a serious hazard for larger aircraft with humans on board.

For example, a drone made the wrong kind of headlines last weekend when it was flown into the path of a water bomber trying to put out a forest fire in eastern Manitoba, forcing the plane to turn back.

The water bomber was flying over the south shore of West Hawk Lake Saturday — en route to douse the flames of a fire in Whiteshell Provincial Park near the Ontario border — when the drone forced it to turn around, leaving firefighters on the ground in jeopardy.

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Saturday, Jul. 24, 2021

Rick Bowmer / The Associated Press files
Unmanned aircraft are taking to the skies for a variety of uses, but these drones are prone to problems that keep landing them in trouble.

Toothy predators could use some positive PR

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Toothy predators could use some positive PR

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Jul. 21, 2021

What with the COVID-19 pandemic, the blistering heat wave, and the smoky wildfire haze that has settled over the city, I’m guessing most of you are champing at the bit to learn what I did during my week off.

Call it an example of brilliant timing, or just a lucky coincidence, but my week of vacation time just happened to coincide with Discovery Channel’s 33rd annual Shark Week, which this year featured a whopping 45 hours of shark-related programming from July 11-18.

So when I wasn’t floating on my back and getting a vicious sunburn in our backyard inflatable pool, there I was stretched out on the couch in the den staring with unabashed delight at humongous finned creatures with teeth the size and shape of steak knives cavorting on our new big-screen TV.

The fact that Shark Week has been swimming onto our TV sets for 33 years — and National Geographic’s rival SharkFest is now in its ninth year — tells you something important about typical TV viewers such as myself: We have an insatiable appetite for shows about sharks, especially when they toss in the possibility that cheesy guest celebrities like William Shatner may get swallowed by a fish the size of an SUV.

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Wednesday, Jul. 21, 2021

Dreamstime
Tired of seeing sharks portrayed as bloodthirsty predators, some Australian officials are trying to polish the tarnished image of the creatures by rebranding attacks as ‘negative encounters.’

Flying cars pave way for airborne road rage

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Preview

Flying cars pave way for airborne road rage

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Monday, Jul. 12, 2021

When I was an impressionable kid growing up on the West Coast. I knew exactly what the future was going to look like.

Back in the 1960s, a fabulous future was displayed in awe-inspiring, full-colour artist’s renditions in the pages of Popular Mechanics magazine, and in the ultra-cheesy science-fiction movies that I watched on the black-and-white TV in the basement of my family home.

Those glitzy magazine stories and movies promised that, by the year 2000 at the latest, we would all be living in fabulous domed underwater cities, feasting on five-course meals stuffed into pills, solving crimes with our wisecracking robot sidekicks and, best of all, zooming to work in our personal jetpacks.

But more than anything, the future was going to be all about flying cars.

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Monday, Jul. 12, 2021

TASR / Jaroslav Novak World premiere of the flight of the flying car Aircar - for the first time in the world, the flying car is flying between two international airports - from Nitra to Bratislava. In the picture, an Aircar at Airport in Bratislava on June 28, 2021.

Will England be in a pickle without Pickles?

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Will England be in a pickle without Pickles?

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 10, 2021

With England and Italy squaring off Sunday in the final of the European Championship, this is the perfect time to share the story of Britain’s greatest football hero.

I am referring, of course, to a four-year-old black-and-white border collie mix named Pickles.

What you need to know is that Sunday’s big game marks the first time England’s men’s soccer team has made it to the final of a major tournament since 1966, when they defeated West Germany 4-2 in the World Cup to claim their first and only international title.

What you also need to know is that England’s football heroes would never have been able to wrap their sweaty mitts around that trophy 55 years ago if Pickles hadn’t come trotting to the rescue.

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Saturday, Jul. 10, 2021

Laurence Griffiths / Pool Photo via AP
England’s Harry Kane (bottom) celebrates with his teammates after scoring his side’s second goal during the Euro 2020 soccer semifinal between England and Denmark.

The wurst of times

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Preview

The wurst of times

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Saturday, Jul. 10, 2021

Even among champions, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut is a champion.

No other “athlete” has dominated their “sport” quite the way the world’s No. 1 competitive eater has over the past 15 years. On Sunday, Chestnut easily put the bite on his rivals — and emerged as the ultimate wiener — capturing his 14th Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest in dominant fashion.

Chestnut downed an astonishing 76 franks and buns in 10 minutes, one more than he did in setting the men’s record last year, when the contest unfolded without fans because of the coronavirus pandemic.

“It just felt good,” Chestnut, of Westfield, Ind., told ESPN after capturing yet another mustard belt. “Even if I was uncomfortable, having everybody cheer me and push me, it made me feel good.”

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Saturday, Jul. 10, 2021

Brittainy Newman / The Assoicated PressComp
Competitive eater Joey Chestnut won his 14th Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest in Brooklyn, N.Y., July 4. The U.S. National Hot Dog and Sausage Council deems it unacceptable for anyone but children to put ketchup on a hot dog, so let’s hope there’s none of the red stuff on those dogs.

Cleanliness is next to grill godliness

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Cleanliness is next to grill godliness

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Jul. 7, 2021

The summer grilling season is in full swing, and I have been firing up my beloved propane barbecue like never before.

This is partly because I consider myself to be Canada’s Greatest Amateur Grill Enthusiast, but mostly because my wife says we can’t turn on the kitchen stove due to the fact our central air conditioning died on the day the heat wave rolled into town and the temperature in our house is already hot enough to bake cookies on the living room floor.

Deceased air conditioners aside, I am far from the only Canadian obsessed with the primal joys of cooking over an open flame in the privacy of the backyard.

One of the consequences of this pandemic is that barbecue sales are currently hotter than every (bad word) room in my house, which means there a lot of rookie grillers out there nervously picking up the tongs and spatula for the very first time.

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Wednesday, Jul. 7, 2021

Dave Sidaway / MONTREAL GAZETTE FILES
Number 4 in the top 5 things to avoid when cooking over a grill: "Clean Up: Don’t wait until the next time you use your grill to clean it.”

Cold comfort in AC unit’s untimely demise

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Cold comfort in AC unit’s untimely demise

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jul. 5, 2021

In life, timing is everything. That is especially true when it comes to air-conditioning and heat waves.

The truth of that statement was tragically driven home on the morning before Canada Day as I lay in bed with our two dogs, wondering why I was perspiring like a Butterball turkey on Thanksgiving.

Which is when my wife, who was getting ready to leave for work, burst into our bedroom and informed me that, just as the heat wave that has been scorching Western Canada rolled into town, our central air-conditioning system had decided to drop dead.

“I noticed the house was getting hotter so I looked in the furnace room and the air-conditioner is frozen solid,” she explained as the dogs and I looked up from the bed with expressions of abject horror on our faces.

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Monday, Jul. 5, 2021

Even a medical-style intervention, complete with high-tech gauges, could not resuscitate Doug’s deceased central air-conditioning system. (Supplied)

Getting the gift of the (second) jab

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Getting the gift of the (second) jab

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 3, 2021

I would like to start today’s column with the following heart-felt expression of unfettered joy: “Hurray!”

Pardon me for letting my emotions run wild, but I am feeling like 20 pounds of happy in a 10-pound bag because my wife and I got our second jabs of a COVID-19 vaccine on Friday at the RBC Convention Centre, Manitoba’s largest immunization centre.

It is not easy, using mere words, to describe how I am feeling about being among the 40 per cent of Manitobans who are fully vaccinated — a number that could exceed 50 per cent late next week — but I will give it the old college try: I feel really, really happy!

My innermost feelings at this precise moment would probably best be summed up by the following deeply moving poem I wrote to commemorate this historic moment: “Roses are red/violets are blue/I am fully vaccinated/I hope you are, too!”

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Saturday, Jul. 3, 2021

@johnrush5 / Instagram
Winnipeg Blue Bomber John Rush donned a wedding gown for his COVID-19 vaccination to raise money for the Rainbow Resource Centre.

These icons hit the half-century club this year

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

These icons hit the half-century club this year

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Jul. 3, 2021

Fifty years ago this fall, Canada took one of the boldest steps in its history — becoming the first country in the world to adopt multiculturalism as an official policy.

In a statement to the House of Commons on Oct. 8, 1971, Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau announced multiculturalism wasn’t just some vague ideal, but an official government policy.

The lofty goal was to preserve the cultural freedom of all individuals and provide recognition of the cultural contributions of diverse ethnic groups to Canadian society.

This bit of history is more significant than ever as Canada faces a national reckoning over the deadly legacy of residential schools.

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Saturday, Jul. 3, 2021

(Saul Loeb / AFP / Getty Images / TNS files)

Pinnacle pups down to personal preference

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Pinnacle pups down to personal preference

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jun. 28, 2021

I have never met a dog owner who did not think their canine companion is the cutest, most loyal and brightest creature on the planet.

In fact, I have looked on in horror as rival dog owners — this was at a tension-filled dog show — threatened to brain each other with squeaky toys in a teeth-baring battle over whose hound was superior.

The thing is, all of these people are correct in the sense that all dogs are perfect in the biased eyes of the human beings that love them.

I was forced to ponder the issue of pup popularity last week when I peered into my email inbox and found yet another insightful report from the people at rover.com, a website that touts itself as the world’s largest and most trusted network of five-star pet sitters and dog walkers.

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Monday, Jun. 28, 2021

Mary Godleski / The Associated Press Files
A recent survey by canine-friendly website rover.com showed nearly half (44 per cent) of Canadian pet parents opted for a poodle mix, like a Labradoodle.

The needle and the (hearing) damage done

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

The needle and the (hearing) damage done

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jun. 26, 2021

If you’re searching for something to lift your sagging spirits amid the ongoing gloom of the COVID-19 pandemic, you’ve come to the right spot.

I was overwhelmed with joy this week when I cracked open my inbox and discovered an email from Finland stating they had confirmed the finalists for arguably the coolest sporting and cultural event in history — the Heavy Metal Knitting World Championship.

I’m not kidding. I know exactly what you are thinking. You are thinking: “HUH?!” But allow me to assure you this championship is a real thing wherein the clacking of knitting needles is combined with the ear-splitting din of heavy metal music.

The first contest took place in 2019 in a packed square in the small Finnish town of Joensuu, close to the Russian border, and the crown went to Japan’s five-person Giga Body Metal team for a show featuring crazy sumo wrestlers, a man dressed in a traditional Japanese kimono and, of course, some head-banging knitting.

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Saturday, Jun. 26, 2021

Out, standing in their fields

Doug Speirs  12 minute read Preview

Out, standing in their fields

Doug Speirs  12 minute read Saturday, Jun. 26, 2021

Carl Nassib made history this week, but it had nothing to do with his exploits on a football field.

The 28-year-old defensive end with the Las Vegas Raiders announced that he is gay, becoming the first active player in the National Football League to do so.

It marked a monumental moment for a sport with a long history of stigmatizing homosexuality on the field and in the locker room. The five-year NFL veteran made his announcement on Instagram.

“I just wanted to take a quick moment to say that I’m gay. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now, but I finally feel comfortable enough to get it off my chest,” Nassib said in his video message.

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Saturday, Jun. 26, 2021

John Bazemore / The Associated Press files
Carl Nassib, a defensive end with the Las Vegas Raiders, became the first active NFL player to come out as gay. ‘I just think that representation and visibility are so important.’

Children's Rehabilitation Foundation's top exec reflects on gratifying career

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Children's Rehabilitation Foundation's top exec reflects on gratifying career

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Wednesday, Jun. 23, 2021

Fifteen years ago this month, Andrew Fenwick’s young life was turned upside down.

At the age of 10, the young Winnipeg sports fan and lover of classic car’s appendix suddenly burst, flooding his body with sepsis.

Andrew was rushed to hospital, but lapsed into a coma. When he awoke, instantly he knew nothing would be the same.

He recalls that terrifying moment in a powerful video he made for the Children’s Rehabilitation Foundation during his Grade 10 year at Churchill High School.

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Wednesday, Jun. 23, 2021

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Christine Schollenberg is the outgoing executive director of the Children’s Rehabilitation Foundation.

Around the world, some unique prizes are up for grabs for getting your jabs

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Around the world, some unique prizes are up for grabs for getting your jabs

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Jun. 23, 2021

New cars. Luxury apartments. Live chickens and cows. Hunting rifles. Lottery jackpots. Scholarships. Girl Scout cookies. Super Bowl tickets. Not to mention free french fries, pizza, doughnuts, hotdogs and beer.

Those are just a few of the nifty incentives being offered by jurisdictions around the world to reward citizens who have gotten their COVID-19 vaccinations or encourage those who are foolishly dragging their feet.

Almost every day some politician — or business — makes headlines by dangling an assortment of off-the-wall prizes in an effort to get more people showing up at vaccination centres.

For instance, Moscow’s mayor, Sergei Sobyanin, has promised that everyone who gets the first of their two doses of vaccine between now and July 11 will be entered into a weekly prize draw with a chance to win one of five cars worth one million rubles (about C$17,000) each.

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Wednesday, Jun. 23, 2021

In the Netherlands, herring is now being offered to those who show up for their COVID-19 vaccination. (AP Photo/Michael Probst)

Singing the praises of the summer solstice

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Singing the praises of the summer solstice

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jun. 19, 2021

Get ready to crank up the volume on your car radios and pump your fists in the air, Winnipeg, because there is only one more sleep before the big day.

And before we go any further I should point out that, no, I am not talking about the fact Sunday marks the second Father’s Day we will be celebrating amid this pandemic.

While we are on the topic, however, allow me to suggest the perfect gift to let Dad know how much you enjoy his bad jokes and his ability to use his propane barbecue to turn delicious food items into inedible lumps of carbon.

This year, Dad does not want you to give him another amusing tie or a bottle of cologne with the sort of eye-watering aroma you would get if you stuck a rotten egg in an old gym bag.

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Saturday, Jun. 19, 2021

Dad would be overjoyed if you just ignored him and allowed him to bag some serious Zs in a backyard hammock. (Justin Tang / The Canadian Press files)

This MVP’s a shocker

Doug Speirs  12 minute read Preview

This MVP’s a shocker

Doug Speirs  12 minute read Saturday, Jun. 19, 2021

It was one of the most miraculous saves in the history of soccer. It came after Denmark’s Christian Eriksen’s heart stopped last Saturday during the first half of his team’s game against Finland at the European Championship in Copenhagen.

As 15,000 people in the stands and millions of TV viewers looked on, Eriksen’s teammates formed a protective wall around their fallen star when he collapsed on the pitch after suffering cardiac arrest.

Players from both teams, as well as fans in the stadium were visibly distressed as medics raced to restart the heart of the man considered Denmark’s finest player.

He was brought back to life through a combination of CPR — the manual cardiopulmonary resuscitation that involves repeated pushing down on the chest — and an electric shock from an automated defibrillator.

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Saturday, Jun. 19, 2021

Christian Eriksen gave a thumbs-up from the hospital, thanking supporters.

Smart machines have met their match

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Smart machines have met their match

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jun. 14, 2021

It turns out I emit some kind of strange radiation that causes high-tech devices to go haywire.

I started to suspect this was the case a few months back when I visited my dentist’s office for a mid-pandemic checkup on my oral health.

When I walked in the door, the receptionist handed me a pre-disinfected iPad and asked me to complete the standard COVID-19 screening questionnaire via the method of tapping “Yes” or “No” on the screen with one of my pudgy fingers.

No matter which finger I used, or how hard I tapped the screen, nothing happened. It worked perfectly fine for the receptionist — and for every other patient who strolled into the waiting room — but it refused to acknowledge my existence or obey my commands.

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Monday, Jun. 14, 2021

Doug and his wonky eyeballs prepare to be examined by his eye doctor last week. (Supplied)

Delivering the naked truth is a newsman’s duty

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Delivering the naked truth is a newsman’s duty

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021

What with the mini-heat wave we’ve been basking in this month and the fact the summer solstice is just over a week away, it seems like the perfect time to sit in the shade, slather on sunscreen and enjoy another instalment of a semi-recurring feature I like to call Naked People in the News.

This is the revealing feature I feel compelled to present whenever the weather turns warm, even though, as a middle-aged, overweight newspaper columnist, I refuse to engage in any activity without pants, including taking a shower.

I suspect most Friendly Manitobans feel the same way, because pants are not considered optional in a province where exposing one’s nether regions in an outdoor environment is like ringing the dinner bell for mosquitoes the size of Yorkshire terriers.

It’s an entirely different story in other parts of the world — this would include Toronto and Vancouver — where thousands of cyclists are reportedly preparing to pedal their butts off today in the annual World Naked Bike Ride.

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Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021

Christian Palma / The Associated Press Files
Cyclists swarm through the streets of Mexico City during the World Naked Bike Ride Day in 2019.

Fingers, meet face

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Fingers, meet face

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021

It was definitely a slap heard around the world.

French President Emmanuel Macron, who has been on a tour to take the pulse of his country after the pandemic, was slapped in the face Tuesday during a walkabout in southern France as he greeted a small crowd of onlookers.

Amateur video footage of the slap quickly went viral on social media. It showed a man — later identified as Damien Tarel, 28 — slapping Macron, then shouting, “Down with Macronia” and “Montjoie, Saint-Denis,” the battle cry of the French army when the country was a monarchy.

A bodyguard, who was standing right behind Macron, raised a hand to protect the president, but was a fraction of a second too late to stop the slap. The bodyguard then put his arm around the president to shield him.

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Saturday, Jun. 12, 2021

French President Emmanuel Macron (centre) is slapped by a man, in green T-shirt, during a visit to Tain-l’Hermitage in southern France. (BFM TV / The Associated Press)

Of Stephen King, sleepless nights and thunderous terror

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Of Stephen King, sleepless nights and thunderous terror

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Jun. 9, 2021

I was reading an interview with iconic horror author Stephen King in the Wall Street Journal’s magazine the other morning when, suddenly and without warning, I was engulfed by a wave of terror and rage.

For the record, in the interview, the famed writer talked about the new TV adaptation of his book Lisey’s Story, and shared how important getting a good night’s sleep is for someone who makes a living writing.

“I usually get about six hours a night, sometimes seven. But I also try to take a nap in the afternoon, about an hour,” King said of his sleep schedule. “So I’m going to say I get maybe seven and a half hours of sleep in a 24-hour period.”

When I read those words — which I was only able to do because my eyelids were propped open with toothpicks — I was transformed from an easygoing newspaper columnist into a seething rage monster.

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Wednesday, Jun. 9, 2021

I was reading an interview with iconic horror author Stephen King in the Wall Street Journal’s magazine the other morning when, suddenly and without warning, I was engulfed by a wave of terror and rage.

For the record, in the interview, the famed writer talked about the new TV adaptation of his book Lisey’s Story, and shared how important getting a good night’s sleep is for someone who makes a living writing.

“I usually get about six hours a night, sometimes seven. But I also try to take a nap in the afternoon, about an hour,” King said of his sleep schedule. “So I’m going to say I get maybe seven and a half hours of sleep in a 24-hour period.”

When I read those words — which I was only able to do because my eyelids were propped open with toothpicks — I was transformed from an easygoing newspaper columnist into a seething rage monster.

Healthier choices are surely within reach

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Healthier choices are surely within reach

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jun. 7, 2021

I know that I have a tendency to exaggerate wildly, but the truth is this is something that happens to me all the time.

It happened again, suddenly and without warning, late last week as I bravely pushed my little shopping cart up and down the aisles of our local grocery store.

As I strolled, heroically ignoring shelves groaning with cookies and other sugary delights, I heard a plaintive voice crying out from behind my back.

“Sir! Sir! Sir!” the voice called out. “Can you please help me?”

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Monday, Jun. 7, 2021

I know that I have a tendency to exaggerate wildly, but the truth is this is something that happens to me all the time.

It happened again, suddenly and without warning, late last week as I bravely pushed my little shopping cart up and down the aisles of our local grocery store.

As I strolled, heroically ignoring shelves groaning with cookies and other sugary delights, I heard a plaintive voice crying out from behind my back.

“Sir! Sir! Sir!” the voice called out. “Can you please help me?”

The deafening silence of Trump

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

The deafening silence of Trump

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Jun. 5, 2021

I have a confession to make, and some of you are not going to like it.

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to blurt it out — I miss Donald Trump!

Seriously, my life just has not felt the same since the bombastic alleged billionaire lost the 2020 election and was punted out of the White House.

(Warning to Extremely Right Wing Readers: If you do not agree Trump lost the last election, you probably will not want to read the rest of today’s column.)

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Saturday, Jun. 5, 2021

Alex Brandon / The Associated Press files
How can anyone start a day without a vile cavalcade of tweets from the former president?

Playing chicken

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Preview

Playing chicken

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Saturday, Jun. 5, 2021

It’s impossible to say whether the curse was effective, even though there is no doubt that all of its intended victims are currently dead.

That’s probably because the latest curse to make headlines around the globe involves a 2,300-year-old ceramic jar containing the bones of a dismembered chicken that archeologists believe was intended to kill 55 people in ancient Greece.

Archeologists uncovered the “cursed” pottery in 2006, sitting beneath the floor of the Athenian Agora Commercial Classics Building, northwest of the famous Acropolis ruins. There were 55 names inscribed on the jar — supposedly the curse’s hapless targets — and it was pierced by a large, iron nail.

 

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Saturday, Jun. 5, 2021

Dane Penland / Smithsonian Institution via The Associated Press
This undated photo made available by the Smithsonian Institution shows the Hope Diamond. Its rumoured curse turned out to be a made-up story by journalists in the late 1800s.

Companies team up to grant polar bear-loving senior her dream getaway

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Companies team up to grant polar bear-loving senior her dream getaway

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Wednesday, Jun. 2, 2021

It was dream Geraldine Anderson didn’t think she’d live to see come true.

As a child, Geraldine dreamed of travelling to Canada’s Arctic to see polar bears in person. As an 86-year-old resident of Misericordia Place personal care home in Winnipeg, it was starting to feel as if time had run out.

But this feisty senior’s lifelong dream of getting up close and personal with Manitoba’s famous, fearsome and furry northern residents is about to become a reality because two local firms were determined to deliver a happy ending amid the heart-breaking gloom of the pandemic.

It all began because Geraldine was one of 100 residents at the care home who wandered the globe virtually as part of Misericordia Health Centre Foundation’s Around The World in 80 Days campaign to raise funds for therapy and recreation equipment.

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Wednesday, Jun. 2, 2021

SUPPLIED
At Misericordia Place, recreation facilitator Rael Kulchycki (left) and recreation manager Jennifer Klos flank resident Geraldine Anderson with her ‘cheque’ for a polar bear trip to Churchill.

No moonshot complete without a double-double

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

No moonshot complete without a double-double

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Monday, May. 31, 2021

I became overwhelmed with feelings of national pride last week when I learned Canada is shooting for the stars — or, to be precise, the moon.

That’s because Science Minister François-Philippe Champagne announced last week that Canada plans to land a rover on the moon in the next five years.

The Canadian Space Agency — yes, we have one — says the unmanned robotic vehicle will gather imagery and measurements on the moon’s cratered surface, showcasing technologies from Canadian companies in a polar region of the earth’s only natural satellite.

In partnership with NASA, the Canuck mission hopes to have the rover make it through an entire lunar night, which lasts about two weeks and presents major technological challenges because the moon gets extremely cold and extremely dark.

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Monday, May. 31, 2021

Ryan Remiorz / THE CANADIAN PRESS FILES
Let’s hope the Canadian Space agency makes sure to put its own Canuck twist on any robotic rover it sends to the moon.

Reprobate tree rodents truly out to get us

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Reprobate tree rodents truly out to get us

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, May. 29, 2021

Every year at this time I find myself muttering the same promise: “I am not going to write another (bad word) column about (bad word) squirrels!”

And then, almost immediately, I will break that promise because — and this may sound just a tiny bit paranoid — squirrels are out to get me.

Q: You’re kidding, right?

A: No, I am deadly serious. Extremist squirrels have had it in for me ever since I began writing crusading columns exposing the fact these reprobate rodents pose a far greater threat to our power grid than human terrorists do.

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Saturday, May. 29, 2021

Kyle Darbyson / The Brandon Sun Files
A squirrel perches in a tree along the Souris River, likely plotting the downfall of humanity.

Mickelson in good company among middle-aged athletes with championship performances

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Preview

Mickelson in good company among middle-aged athletes with championship performances

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Saturday, May. 29, 2021

Phil Mickelson’s upset win last Sunday at the PGA Championship in South Carolina was definitely a victory for the ages — especially for anyone who happens to be age 50 and above.

At 50 years, 11 months and seven days, Mickelson made history — and defied Father Time — to become the oldest major champion in golf history.

Eight years after winning his last major, nine years after being inducted into the World Golf Hall of Fame and during a PGA Tour season in which he hadn’t recorded a single top-20 finish, he won his sixth career major.

The previous record for oldest major winner was held by Julius Boros, who at 48 years, four months and 18 days old won the PGA Championship in 1968. The second- and third-oldest major champions, Tom Morris Sr. and Jack Nicklaus, were both 46.

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Saturday, May. 29, 2021

David J. Phillip / The Associated Press files
Phil Mickelson holds the Wanamaker Trophy after winning the PGA Championship golf tournament on May 23.

Manitoba's oldest lawyer, 95, has been doling out legal advice for seven decades

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Manitoba's oldest lawyer, 95, has been doling out legal advice for seven decades

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Friday, May. 28, 2021

Sitting in a sun-dappled, ninth-floor corner boardroom of his downtown Winnipeg law offices, Gordon Pullan hoists up his necktie for a curious visitor to examine.

“I don’t come dressed like this every day,” Pullan declares with an impish grin. “But my daughter Heather told me I had to dress like a lawyer today.”

Dressing like a lawyer is something Pullan knows more than a little bit about — he’s been doing it almost every day for the past seven decades.

At the age of 95 — he’ll turn 96 on June 16 — he is now the oldest and longest practising lawyer in Manitoba, and likely in all of Canada.

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Friday, May. 28, 2021

Ruth Bonneville
RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS

LOCAL - Gordan Pullan lawyer

Portrait of longtime lawyer, Gordan Pullan – who at 95 and is Manitoba’s oldest practicing lawyer, with a photo of him with his graduating class, in the late 1950's. Photographed in is office on the ninth floor of 444 St. Mary Ave.

Doug's story

May 27, 2021

A day you can really sink your teeth into

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

A day you can really sink your teeth into

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Wednesday, May. 26, 2021

Prepare to become overly excited, Winnipeg, because today is definitely a day you are going to want to sink your teeth into.

I say that because today, May 26, is officially World Dracula Day, because it was on this day way back in 1897 that Irish author Bram Stoker’s legendary Gothic horror novel was first published.

For those of you who are not quite as literate as myself, Dracula is the quintessential tale of a plucky vampire seeking to move from Transylvania to England to find new blood and spread the curse of the undead.

The only reason I know today is World Dracula Day is because I used that fact to introduce the first edition of our Uplift newsletter that was written by myself instead of my good friend and colleague Kevin Rollason, who is now writing Passages, a newsletter paying tribute to some of the lives we have lost.

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Wednesday, May. 26, 2021

Vadim Ghirda / The Associated Press Files
A stagecoach arrives at the Bran Castle in Romania. The Transylvanian castle inspired the Dracula legend.

Milking a dog-tased-for-biting-cow story for all it’s worth

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Milking a dog-tased-for-biting-cow story for all it’s worth

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Saturday, May. 22, 2021

There is a famous bit of journalistic wisdom that states: When a dog bites a man it’s not newsworthy because it happens all the time.

Using the same logic, however, it is considered newsworthy when the story is turned on its head and the man is the one doing the biting instead of the dog.

“It’s News! Man Bites Dog,” the Reuters news agency chirped in a yarn about a man chomping on a mutt in December 2007.

It goes without saying that the weirder the circumstances surrounding the biting, the more newsworthy the story becomes.

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Saturday, May. 22, 2021

There is a famous bit of journalistic wisdom that states: When a dog bites a man it’s not newsworthy because it happens all the time.

Using the same logic, however, it is considered newsworthy when the story is turned on its head and the man is the one doing the biting instead of the dog.

“It’s News! Man Bites Dog,” the Reuters news agency chirped in a yarn about a man chomping on a mutt in December 2007.

It goes without saying that the weirder the circumstances surrounding the biting, the more newsworthy the story becomes.

Burned into memory

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Burned into memory

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, May. 22, 2021

Where there’s smoke, there’s a good chance you’ll find a wildfire.

That’s just a tragic fact of life throughout much of the world as drought-like conditions fuel uncontrolled fires that consume acres of forest and threaten lives.

In this province, several communities were poised for potential evacuations earlier this week while others declared states of emergency as wildfires raged in southern Manitoba.

Clouds of smoke led to highway closures and prompted Environment Canada to issue special air-quality statements for much of southern Manitoba Monday.

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Saturday, May. 22, 2021

Noah Berger / The Associated Press files
The 2018 Camp fire blaze resulted in $8.4 billion in insured losses.

Winnipeg Foundation's first Indigenous, two-spirit CEO to help build brighter future

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Preview

Winnipeg Foundation's first Indigenous, two-spirit CEO to help build brighter future

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Tuesday, May. 18, 2021

The Winnipeg Foundation's first Indigenous, two-spirit CEO channels the pain of his youth to help build a brighter future.

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Tuesday, May. 18, 2021

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Sky Bridges, new CEO of the Winnipeg Foundation.

We’re too sexy for our city

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

We’re too sexy for our city

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, May. 15, 2021

I can tell by the pained expressions on your faces that you are in desperate need of a little bit of good news this morning.

Well, guess what, Winnipeg? I have just what the doctor ordered in the sense I am poised to share some surprising news that should get your juices flowing.

There’s no point beating around the proverbial bush, so I’m just going to blurt it out — you live in the fifth-sexiest city in Canada!

Yes, Winnipeg, prepare to become extremely excited, because among Canada’s major cities, you rank No. 5 on the sexiness scale for 2020.

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Saturday, May. 15, 2021

MIKE DEAL / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS

The sky is falling! Not joking!

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Preview

The sky is falling! Not joking!

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Friday, May. 14, 2021

Congratulations, everyone! If you are lucky enough to be reading today’s feature, it means you were not fatally beaned last weekend by a huge chunk of metal falling from the stars.

Just after midnight last Saturday, the world breathed a sigh of relief when it was confirmed that a section of the Chinese Long March 5B rocket, used to launch a space-station module into orbit last month, fell into the Indian Ocean north of the Maldives — though it’s not yet clear if any parts hit land.

For days, scientists and an increasingly fearful public had been trying to determine where this huge piece of Chinese space junk might land after making an uncontrolled re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere. The Chinese space agency said most of the 18-tonne booster rocket was destroyed during re-entry.

Before that, however, scientists and officials were unable to give a clear prediction of its possible landing site, because it was orbiting the planet unpredictably every 90 minutes at about 27,000 km/h without controls to guide its trajectory.

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Friday, May. 14, 2021

China’s Xinhua News Agency
A section of China’s Long March 5B rocket, which launched in April, fell into the Indian Ocean last weekend.

The old porcelain potty makes a perfect planter

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

The old porcelain potty makes a perfect planter

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, May. 12, 2021

What with being trapped in the surging third wave of a global pandemic amid heightened public health restrictions, today seems like the perfect time to talk about toilets.

As regular readers are already aware, I am something of self-styled expert when it comes to the important role commodes play in modern society.

Over the years, I have written dozens of hard-hitting columns on toilets, including major contests wherein you can win a toilet equipped with a big-screen TV and state-of-the-art stereo system; motion-activated night lights that transform your toilet into a 1970s-style disco ball; and the gripping story of a Canadian stuntwoman who set a world record a few years back for being the fastest person on a toilet after equipping her throne with wheels and an engine and racing it at a speed of 75 km/h around Sydney Olympic Park in Australia.

Today, however, I want to talk about a growing trend wherein hip gardeners fill their old commodes with soil and flowers and plant them on their lawns in a sincere and humanitarian effort to make their neighbours hate them.

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Wednesday, May. 12, 2021

What with being trapped in the surging third wave of a global pandemic amid heightened public health restrictions, today seems like the perfect time to talk about toilets.

As regular readers are already aware, I am something of self-styled expert when it comes to the important role commodes play in modern society.

Over the years, I have written dozens of hard-hitting columns on toilets, including major contests wherein you can win a toilet equipped with a big-screen TV and state-of-the-art stereo system; motion-activated night lights that transform your toilet into a 1970s-style disco ball; and the gripping story of a Canadian stuntwoman who set a world record a few years back for being the fastest person on a toilet after equipping her throne with wheels and an engine and racing it at a speed of 75 km/h around Sydney Olympic Park in Australia.

Today, however, I want to talk about a growing trend wherein hip gardeners fill their old commodes with soil and flowers and plant them on their lawns in a sincere and humanitarian effort to make their neighbours hate them.

Long live incomprehensible genius of Louie Louie

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Long live incomprehensible genius of Louie Louie

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, May. 3, 2021

I have sad news for anyone who has ever cranked the radio in their car to a decibel level somewhere above nuclear blast, rolled down the windows, clenched the steering wheel with a white-knuckled grip, and belted out the lyrics to a rock ’n’ roll classic at the top of their lungs.

There is no easy way to say this, so I’m going to just blurt it out — Mike Mitchell passed away last month at the age of 77. No cause of death was provided other than Mitchell “peacefully passed away.”

I can tell by the confused look on your face that a little more information might be helpful.

What you need to know is that Mitchell was a founding member of the 1960s-era rock group the Kingsmen and the guy who, 58 years ago, delivered one of the greatest guitar solos of all time on the band’s legendary cover of the song Louie Louie.

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Monday, May. 3, 2021

Adding to charm of the Kingsmen’s recording of Louie Louie is the fact the band thought they were only doing a soundcheck, but the producer got the take he wanted and bolted from the control room. The band’s guitarist Mike Mitchell (second from right) died last month.

Hospital parking hits a nerve

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Hospital parking hits a nerve

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, May. 1, 2021

As regular readers are already aware, I am inordinately proud of the fact that the vast majority of my columns are what I like to call “100 per cent fact free.”

From time to time, however, I feel compelled to write something that is completely true. That’s what I did in last Saturday’s column wherein I complained about one of the biggest problems facing our health-care system — how difficult it is to find parking near a hospital.

I fired off this diatribe after spending a good half hour driving up and down every street near St. Boniface Hospital, where I needed to have blood tests, in a fruitless search for a spot to park my car.

The thrust of my gripe was that it is almost impossible to find free on-street parking within three time zones of a hospital, which means you have to pay whatever fees they are charging at for-profit hospital lots and parkades.

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Saturday, May. 1, 2021

MIKE DEAL / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Many readers wrote in to share their frustrations with hospital parking, saying that health-care issues are stressful enough without added fees.

And the award for Best Cringeworthy Awards Speech goes to…

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Preview

And the award for Best Cringeworthy Awards Speech goes to…

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Saturday, May. 1, 2021

There’s nothing all that unusual about children doing awkward things that embarrass their parents.

But it’s more than a little unusual for that awkward moment to occur on live TV while the child is giving a heartfelt speech after receiving an Oscar statuette during the Academy Awards broadcast.

That is precisely what happened last Sunday when Daniel Kaluuya went delightfully off track as he accepted the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his searing portrayal of Black Panther party chairman Fred Hampton in the film Judas and the Black Messiah.

After delivering an inspiring speech that touched on a host of topics, Kaluuya pivoted.

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Saturday, May. 1, 2021

Daniel Kaluuya during the 93rd Oscars last weekend in Los Angeles. (AMPAS)

Rise of machines may mean we’re toast

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Rise of machines may mean we’re toast

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2021

I don’t know what happens in your house, but in mine it usually begins with the toilets.

“GURGLE! GURGLE! GURGLE!” is what the toilet in our main bathroom will belch before unleashing a torrent of pent-up sewer water.

“GLUB! GLUB! GLUB!” the basement toilet will join in as it begins to overflow in a disgusting show of plumbing solidarity.

Then, one by one, the rest of our plumbing fixtures and household appliances will noisily cast off their shackles as they join the rebellion against their cruel human oppressors, namely my wife and myself.

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Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2021

Hospital parking fees sting like bees

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Hospital parking fees sting like bees

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Monday, Apr. 26, 2021

It’s Friday morning and someone is about to jab my arm with a needle that looks roughly the size of a whaling harpoon.

For the record, I am not talking about getting a shot to help protect me against COVID-19 or one of its more infectious variants.

No, I got THAT shot Thursday morning and, as I described in a column in Saturday’s newspaper, that one was a piece of cake.

The process at the RCB Convention Centre, home to Manitoba’s biggest vaccination clinic, went off like clockwork and I didn’t feel a thing when a retired nurse injected me with the Pfizer vaccine.

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Monday, Apr. 26, 2021

MIKE DEAL / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Doug Speirs says parking at a hospital is one of the biggest issues our health-care system is facing.

Vaccine supersite works smoothly as columnist gets Pfizered in the arm

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Vaccine supersite works smoothly as columnist gets Pfizered in the arm

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Apr. 24, 2021

| It’s Thursday morning and my wife and I are sitting anxiously in our car in the lower-level parkade at the RBC Convention Centre.

We are here at the province’s largest COVID-19 inoculation centre to get our first shots of a vaccine to protect us against the potentially lethal virus.

I should stress here that the province has not made immunizing newspaper humour columnists a priority, likely because there are so few of us it wouldn’t do much to promote herd immunity.

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Saturday, Apr. 24, 2021

she who must not be named (doug’s wife)
Doug Speirs proudly shows off his injection site after getting his Pfizer vaccine shot this week.

Playing the long game

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Playing the long game

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Apr. 24, 2021

San Jose Sharks forward Patrick Marleau made history Monday without scoring a goal or registering an assist.

All Marleau had to do was step on the ice, a simple act that allowed him to pass the legendary Gordie (Mr. Hockey) Howe for the most games played in NHL history.

The 41-year-old NHL veteran skated in his 1,768th game — a 3-2 loss to the Vegas Golden Knights. Howe, who died in 2016 at age 88, played in 1,767 regular-season games and 419 more in the World Hockey Association, the latter of which are not recognized by the NHL.

“Just extremely grateful for everything and all the support everyone has given me throughout my career, especially tonight,” Marleau said. “I don’t know how many phone calls or texts I got. It might take me a week to reply to everybody. It’s been overwhelmingly humbling, to say the least.”

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Saturday, Apr. 24, 2021

John Locher / The Associated Press files
San Jose Sharks center Patrick Marleau waves to the crowd during a ceremony to mark his passing Gordie Howe for most NHL games played in the first period of an NHL hockey game Monday night.

It's a ruff job, but these marvellous mutts ready to put it all on the line for Busch

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It's a ruff job, but these marvellous mutts ready to put it all on the line for Busch

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2021

To: Busch Beer

From: A Canadian dog owner

Re: A career for my canines

Dear Busch Beer: I am writing you today on behalf of my two dogs, Bogey and Juno, partly because they can’t write to you themselves because their lack of opposable thumbs makes it tough to use the computer keyboard, but mostly because I want to send you their resumes.

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Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2021

DOUG SPEIRS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Juno, left, and Bogey are either anxious to become taste-testers for Busch Dog Brew, or they’re waiting for Doug to dish out a promised treat.

Hope in the cards

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Hope in the cards

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Apr. 19, 2021

A retired mental health professional and two friends are trying to spread a little hope amid the third wave of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Jane Burpee and friends Tammy Lambert and Tara Morissette want Manitobans to create and carry “Hopeful Cards,” which resemble business cards but instead of company information, they feature uplifting quotes and life-affirming messages that can comfort anyone feeling overwhelmed by stress during the pandemic.

For these close-knit friends, carrying around little packets of encouraging cards is like having a miniature therapist or an emotional support worker or a compassionate friend in your pocket.

Each packet contains 10 cards offering calming, inspirational messages such as: “Breathe. Everything will be fine.” And: “Stay strong! This too shall pass.” Or: “Courage is the door that can only be opened from the inside.” A friend of Burpee’s finds strength in a card that simply states: “Jane says you’re a good mother.”

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Monday, Apr. 19, 2021

SUPPLIED
Retired mental-health professional Jane Burpee shows off ‘Hopeful Cards,’ printed with upbeat quotes and life-affirming messages to help people combat stress, anxiety and depression during the pandemic.

Thompson boy among the lucky who've escaped sinkhole tragedy

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Preview

Thompson boy among the lucky who've escaped sinkhole tragedy

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Saturday, Apr. 17, 2021

Bullies and bad weather are the usual hazards kids have to contend with when they’re walking home.

 

But a 12-year-old Thompson boy walking home with a friend last Saturday became mired in something much more alarming — a sinkhole hidden under a muddy puddle.

According to online news reports, Samuel Desjardins and a friend were walking home after playing basketball and went through the puddle in an attempt to avoid deep mud at the side of the road.

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Saturday, Apr. 17, 2021

Samuel Desjardins, 12, was trapped in a sinkhole in the Riverside area of Thompson for 90 minutes before being freed. (Julie Desjardins photo)

This Mountie always gets her dog

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This Mountie always gets her dog

Doug Speirs  8 minute read Saturday, Apr. 17, 2021

Cross Lake RCMP Const. Stacey Shearer doesn’t just take suspects into custody — she takes them home, feeds them, and helps them find homes.

That’s because the only crime these “suspects” are guilty of is having four legs, cold noses, and running loose in the community 536 kilometres north of Winnipeg.

The numbers are staggering — since starting her career as a Mountie in Cross Lake two and a half years ago, Shearer, 25, has rescued and fostered more than 500 dogs and puppies, many of whom required bottle-feeding.

Her home in Cross Lake has been transformed into a makeshift shelter and when residents contact the local detachment they typically ask for “the lady who looks after the dogs.”

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Saturday, Apr. 17, 2021

SUPPLIED
RCMP Const. Stacey Shearer says rescuing the staggering number of stray dogs in Cross Lake, ‘is just something I love to do.’

Seniors walking, pedalling and wheeling to raise money, earn virtual travel experiences

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Seniors walking, pedalling and wheeling to raise money, earn virtual travel experiences

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2021

The 100 residents at Misericordia Place are travelling around the world in the middle of a global pandemic — without ever leaving the safety of their personal care home.

They aren’t letting COVID-19 travel restrictions slow them down as they virtually wander the globe as part of Misericordia Health Centre Foundation’s Around The World in 80 Days campaign to raise funds for therapy and recreation equipment.

The residents were asked to pick a dream destination and then spend 80 days — from March 2 to May 20 — walking, pedalling, wheeling and taking part in exercise therapy to rack up kilometres — and donations — on their virtual around-the-world adventures.

It’s hoped that, together, they’ll be able to travel 40,000 kilometres — the distance required to circle the globe — but the real goal is to get the residents moving and inspire donors to contribute to their journeys online at misericordiafoundation.com.

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Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2021

SUPPLIED
Geraldine Anderson, 85, a resident at Misericordia Place personal care home who loves polar bears and the Free Press. Every day, Geraldine delivers the Free Press to the residents on her floor, and now her steps are counting towards their Around the World in 80 Days fundraiser.

Grilled cheese gone bananas

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Grilled cheese gone bananas

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Apr. 12, 2021

If you’re depressed Easter is in the rearview mirror and can’t wait for your next holiday fix on Victoria Day, I have some excellent news.

Prepare to become overly excited — and get ready to award me several Pulitzer Prizes — because today, Monday, April 12, is (dramatic pause) National Grilled Cheese Sandwich day!

Yes, today is the one day set aside to pay tribute to bread grilled to perfection, and warm, gooey, melted cheese.

Q: Is that exciting, or what?

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Monday, Apr. 12, 2021

Doug prepares to sample hot new food trend of 2021 – the Banana Bread Grilled Cheese Sandwich. (Supplied)

Bewildering bids

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Preview

Bewildering bids

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Saturday, Apr. 10, 2021

There is no shortage of people who cling to the belief they would be millionaires today if their mothers hadn’t tossed their childhood comic-book collections in the garbage.

It turns out there might be a grain of truth in the notion that it’s possible to strike it rich by auctioning off some of the old junk that’s been lying around your home for decades.

Here’s the proof — earlier this month a sealed copy of the Nintendo video game Super Mario Bros., forgotten in a desk drawer for almost 35 years, sold at auction for a record-breaking $660,000.

It’s the most ever paid for a video game, according to a news release from Heritage Auctions, which ran the sale. The Dallas-based auction company told CNN the NES cartridge was purchased as a Christmas gift in 1986, and was untouched until the seller found it earlier this year.

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Saturday, Apr. 10, 2021

This photo provided by Heritage Auctions, shows an unopened copy of Nintendo’s Super Mario Bros., purchased in 1986 and then forgotten about in a desk drawer for decades that has sold for $660,000 at auction. Heritage Auctions in Dallas said the video game sold Friday, April 2, 2021. (Emily Clements/Heritage Auctions via AP)

Madam Speaker, I rise to relay a big, hairy apology from…

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Madam Speaker, I rise to relay a big, hairy apology from…

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Apr. 10, 2021

What with being a big-shot newspaper columnist, I am always willing to look at both sides of an issue.

Which is why today, out of a sense of journalistic fairness, I am going to look at both sides of a controversial issue — the horrific hairstyle commonly known as “the mullet.”

Regular readers will recall that earlier this week I courageously called on our provincial and federal governments to take steps to ban the mullet, which, for the record, is a 1980s-era hairstyle in which the hair is short at the front, but ridiculously long at the back.

I was compelled to take this courageous stand because — brace yourselves for a major shock — the mullet, also known as the “Hockey Player Haircut,” is making a major comeback amid the gloom of the pandemic.

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Saturday, Apr. 10, 2021

Mark Zaleski / The Associated Press
Montreal Canadiens’ P.K. Subban

Scottish society pipes in kilt clan recruits

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Scottish society pipes in kilt clan recruits

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Apr. 7, 2021

While inordinately proud of my Scottish heritage, I have always felt something important was missing from my Celtic resumé, something along the lines of a certificate of authenticity.

That changed in dramatic fashion Monday morning when two tartan-clad officials from the St. Andrew’s Society of Winnipeg arrived at my front door bearing a certificate making me a member of the oldest continuously active Scottish organization in Western Canada.

It was a great moment in the sense I felt sort of like the Scarecrow when the Wizard of Oz presented him with a diploma near the end of the classic 1939 movie.

Framed certificates — along with a book on the history of the society and miniature bottles of Scotch — were also presented to my buddy Hal Anderson, the afternoon host on 680 CJOB, and Karen Mitchell, the news director for CTV Winnipeg.

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Wednesday, Apr. 7, 2021

SUPPLIED
Doug Speirs accepts a certificate of membership in the St. Andrew’s Society of Winnipeg, which is celebrating its 150th anniversary.

Let’s send the mullet back to the ’80s

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Let’s send the mullet back to the ’80s

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Apr. 5, 2021

As a crusading newspaper columnist with naturally curly hair, I have decided to use today’s column to take a courageous stand.

With absolutely no regard for personal safety, I am going to draw a line in the sand and demand that our provincial and federal governments immediately take steps to ban the horrific hairstyle commonly known as “the mullet.”

I was inspired to take this stand because I have just read a series of international news reports stating that a pair of right-thinking schools in Australia have bravely banned the mullet, which had its heyday in the 1980s.

This not a knee-jerk reaction, because I have two logical journalistic reasons for demanding this hairdo be outlawed, namely: 1) It looks stupid; and 2) I hate it!

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Monday, Apr. 5, 2021

Hockey star Jaromir Jagr in full mullet mode.

Turnssss out I can ssssee the future

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Turnssss out I can ssssee the future

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Apr. 3, 2021

It took me more than six decades on this planet to discover the startling fact that I am clairvoyant.

For the record, I am not able to look into the future and predict the winners of sporting events, a skill that would allow me to cash in and spend the rest of my life on the couch in our den watching the Weather Network.

Sadly, like most newspaper columnists and political analysts, I am only able to predict completely useless events that no one in their right mind would care about.

I discovered my unique skills in this area late last month after writing a groundbreaking column about how airlines in the U.S. and Canada were cracking down on the range of “emotional-support animals” passengers are allowed to take onboard aircraft.

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Saturday, Apr. 3, 2021

Video screen capture
Columnist Doug Speirs avoids the head of a Dumeril’s boa snake on his neck at Winnipeg Reptiles.

Qaumajuq an inspiring bridge to northern culture

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Qaumajuq an inspiring bridge to northern culture

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Thursday, Apr. 1, 2021

I may not know a lot about art, but I know that I like Qaumajuq. And I like it a lot.

I was lucky enough to be there early Saturday evening on the first day the Winnipeg Art Gallery’s new Inuit Art Centre opened to the general public.

I was there because — and this comes straight from the heart — my buddy Bob, who happens to be the publisher of this newspaper, made sure to get tickets online so that we could take our wives to the historic opening.

Before we went, it occurred to me that I should learn the correct pronunciation of the name given to the world’s largest collection of traditional and contemporary Inuit art by Indigenous language keepers.

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Thursday, Apr. 1, 2021

A view of INUA from the second floor. (Ruth Bonneville / Winnipeg Free Press)

Don’t fret, your Roomba will return… but not to vacuum!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Don’t fret, your Roomba will return… but not to vacuum!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Mar. 29, 2021

If I’m being honest, I have to admit this thing is not playing out the way I expected.

And when I say “thing” I am, of course, referring to the Robot Revolution that I have been bravely warning readers about for years in this newspaper.

As most of you already know, my vision of this cataclysm involves Killer Robots from Mars descending on Earth, encouraging all of our smart appliances to cast off their shackles, then morphing into cruel robotic overlords that enslave mankind for generations.

What I did NOT expect — and if you are being honest I’m sure you did not expect it either — is that this inevitable revolution would be led by (pause for dramatic effect) the Roomba, those little flying saucer-shaped robotic vacuum cleaners that bump around and clean your carpets while you, the unsuspecting human, lie on the couch in your den watching Star Trek reruns and picking toast crumbs off your chest.

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Monday, Mar. 29, 2021

Roomba i7, the next generation robot vacuum. MUST CREDIT: Washington Post photo by Katherine Frey / WASHINGTON POST

Staff transform paper bags into bundles of breakfast joy for residents

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Staff transform paper bags into bundles of breakfast joy for residents

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Mar. 27, 2021

For 100 seniors in a Winnipeg retirement home, happiness is literally in the bag every morning during the pandemic.

That’s because the plain brown paper bags in which their breakfasts are delivered each day are being transformed into eye-catching works of art by kind-hearted and creative staff at their assisted-living facility.

“They (the serving staff) are doing an amazing job and the residents are loving it,” Luise Sawatzky, executive director of The Boulton River Heights Retirement Community on Boulton Bay near Grant Ave., said earlier this week.

“They just thought they’d brighten the residents’ day, bring them more joy during the second lockdown. They’re getting very good at it. These things come from the heart. They really care for the residents. They have a deep love for them.”

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Saturday, Mar. 27, 2021

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Boulton River Heights Retirement Community resident Joan Grenon, left, with executive director Luise Sawatzky, show off the artful paper bags staff have used to deliver breakfast while communal dining is off the menu.

High-voltage horror

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Preview

High-voltage horror

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Saturday, Mar. 27, 2021

One moment, Katherine Díaz Hernández, 22, was dreaming of surfing her way to glory at the Tokyo Olympics.

The next, her Olympic dreams — and her life — were snuffed out by a bolt that literally came out of the blue.

Diaz, one of El Salvador’s top surfers, died earlier this month after being struck by lightning while training in the ocean off El Tunco beach, not far from her home.

 

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Saturday, Mar. 27, 2021

Salvador Melendez / The Associated Press
Surfers and mourners place flowers in honor of Katherine Diaz Hernandez, a top surfer who was killed by a lightning bolt, in the waters off El Tunco beach in Tamanique, El Salvador on Tuesday. The 22-year-old was training March 18 at the beach when people on shore saw her get hit by lightning.

Keeping furry frequent fliers in check

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Keeping furry frequent fliers in check

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Mar. 24, 2021

It’s probably a good thing air travel is so difficult these days, because I’d be a mess if I tried to board an airplane without the comfort provided by my emotional support weasel.

Ditto my emotional support alligator. And my emotional support Tasmanian Devil. Not to forget my emotional support Komodo dragon.

Unless you have been hiding in a drainpipe for the past few months, you will know there are new rules that make it pretty much impossible to get on an aircraft while accompanied by emotionally supportive critters that would have been allowed to book tickets on Noah’s Ark.

In December, the U.S. Department of Transportation issued a ruling stating there is only one species of recognized service animal in American air travel: the dog. A dog, to qualify for free boarding with a human companion, must be “trained to do work or perform tasks for the benefit of a person with a disability.”

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Wednesday, Mar. 24, 2021

Dreamstime
Dogs, not cats, are recognized service animals in American air travel.

Dogs are good at playing fetch, not playing chauffeur

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Dogs are good at playing fetch, not playing chauffeur

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Mar. 22, 2021

| I realize there are a lot of scary things to worry about during the pandemic, but I have one more alarming item to add to your already-heaping plates.

As if avoiding the coronavirus wasn’t enough to occupy our minds, we now have to be on the lookout for a growing road hazard throughout North America: dogs driving cars.

I wish I was just joking in a light-hearted manner about this highway menace, but, based on recent news reports, seemingly innocent canines seizing control of cars is becoming what we professional newspaper columnists consider “a dangerous trend.”

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Monday, Mar. 22, 2021

The Associated Press
Zeus, like all dogs, enjoys dangling his head outside the car window.

Spring into action with this egg-citing news

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Spring into action with this egg-citing news

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Mar. 20, 2021

| Get ready to celebrate, Winnipeg!

Before you jump to some wildly inaccurate conclusions, allow me to explain why I think we need to be happier than normal today.

What I’m trying to say is that today, Saturday, March 20, marks the arrival of the Vernal Equinox — it marched into town at 4:36 a.m. this morning — meaning today is officially the astronomical first day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere.

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Saturday, Mar. 20, 2021

Doug tries to balance a raw egg, which legend says is possible on the spring equinox.

Sit? Lie down? How about 'paint another lovely abstract, you furry genius?'

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Preview

Sit? Lie down? How about 'paint another lovely abstract, you furry genius?'

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Saturday, Mar. 20, 2021

A young South African painter is taking the art world by storm, despite being a real swine.

Meet Pigcasso — a pig who was rescued from a slaughterhouse in 2016 and has gone on to hog the limelight as an internationally renowned porcine painter.

Now five years old and somewhere in the neighbourhood of 450 kilograms, this piggy painter’s remarkable flair for wielding a brush was highlighted this month in a viral video on the MSN web portal.

Pigcasso discovered a love for painting after being rescued as a piglet from an industrialized hog farming facility and taken to a new home at Farm Sanctuary SA just outside Cape Town, South Africa.

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Saturday, Mar. 20, 2021

FACEBOOK PHOTO
Pigcasso the pig was rescued from a slaughterhouse in 2016 and has gone on to hog the limelight as an internationally renowned porcine painter.

Standup guy marks year-long commitment to daily storytime for kids

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Preview

Standup guy marks year-long commitment to daily storytime for kids

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2021

There’s no shortage of tragic pandemic milestones for Manitobans to mark this month — the first positive case of COVID-19, the first hospitalization, the first death.

But for every grim memory there is a heartwarming milestone, an uplifting story about Manitobans who have spent their past year going out of his way to help our community in its time of need.

Tomorrow, for example, will mark the one-year anniversary of popular Winnipeg comedian Big Daddy Tazz going online everyday to read storybooks to local children trapped at home amid the pandemic.

It gave him a sense of purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning after all his comedy gigs vanished amid the health crisis. His upbeat story also kicked off the Free Press’s Going The Extra Mile series focusing on Manitobans going above and beyond to help others.

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Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2021

Supplied
Big Daddy Tazz marks the first anniversary of his reading series for children, helping bide the time while his comedy career is on hold.

Keep ‘sleep thieves’ away from that hour hand

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Keep ‘sleep thieves’ away from that hour hand

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Mar. 15, 2021

I am not in tip-top shape this morning, as you can probably deduce from the chain of drool dangling from my mouth and the fact I am using toothpicks to keep my eyelids from slamming shut.

The problem — and it was not supposed to happen this year — is that yesterday, on the second Sunday in March, the government forced us once again to “spring forward” and revert to daylight time, wherein we set our (bad word) clocks ahead by an entire hour, which, for those of you who remember Grade 5 math, means we got an hour less sleep.

We, as a nation, have been forced to do this for more than 100 years because THE GOVERNMENT HATES US!

I am not kidding around here in a lighthearted manner. What is especially frustrating is that last year, amid the pandemic, it looked as though the world was coming to its senses and would finally abandon this twice-a-year time flip-flop and prevent innocent citizens such as myself from nodding off in our morning oatmeal.

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Monday, Mar. 15, 2021

Elise Amendola / The Associated Press
Some provincial governments have pledged to make Daylight Saving Time permanent, but it hasn't happened yet.

Behind every Great One…

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Behind every Great One…

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Mar. 13, 2021

Free Press reader Bette Jayne Taylor wasn’t quite sure why she forwarded me the email — but I’m glad she did.

The email contained a heart-tugging story in which her son, Jim Taylor, described the unforgettable day he was able to give Canada’s most beloved hockey dad, Walter Gretzky, a private tour of the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto.

Like so many hockey fans in North America, Jim was devastated last week when Walter died at age 82 after a nine-year battle with Parkinson’s disease and a near-fatal brain aneurysm in 1991 that robbed him of his short-term memory.

Walter’s passing has prompted an avalanche of tributes for a man who, along with being the father of Wayne Gretzky, the greatest hockey player of modern times, became a household name for his dedication to minor hockey and charities and the kindness, compassion and patience he showed to everyone whose life he touched.

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Saturday, Mar. 13, 2021

Hans Deryk / The Canadian Press Files
Walter Gretzky’s visit to the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto ended with a private tour by then-guide Jim Taylor. ‘He was showing me around a lot more than I was showing him,’ Taylor recalls.

Winnipeg's tallest building is nearing completion

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Preview

Winnipeg's tallest building is nearing completion

Doug Speirs   10 minute read Saturday, Mar. 13, 2021

Winnipeggers have something new to look up to — and we mean way up!

That’s because the city has a new titleholder for tallest building. The soaring skyscraper at 300 Main St., one block from the famed intersection of Portage and Main, captured the crown March 5 when the concrete was poured for the 41st floor.

That puts our newest skyscraper at just over 128 metres, edging out the office tower at 201 Portage Ave., the former TD Centre, which had been the tallest building in Winnipeg since it opened in 1990.

When completed later this year, 300 Main will be a 42-storey colossus reaching 142 metres above the pavement, anchoring the south end of Winnipeg Square. The north end, at 360 Main, features a 30-storey high-rise structure built in 1979.

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Saturday, Mar. 13, 2021

JOHN WOODS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
The title of Winnipeg’s tallest building is now held by the skyscraper at 300 Main St., which reached 128 metres high when the concrete was poured for the 41st floor on March 5.

Who needs vibrant colours when you have grey, yellow?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Who needs vibrant colours when you have grey, yellow?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2021

There are just 10 more sleeps until the March Equinox rolls into town to herald the arrival of astronomical spring in the Northern Hemisphere, and all you stylish Winnipeggers know exactly what that means, don’t you?

Unless you’ve been hiding in a drain pipe for the past decade, it means it’s time for Mr. Doug’s Annual Spring Fashion Report, the beloved seasonal feature Mr. Doug publishes every year — except when he forgets — to inform you what bizarre colour scheme your cutting-edge wardrobe (and everything else you own) will be legally required to showcase this season.

Prepare to burst into fashionable flames of joy, Winnipeg, because Mr. Doug has just read a news release from the style gurus at the Pantone Color Institute, the worldwide authority on every shade under the rainbow, stating that the official Colour of the Year for 2021 is — brace yourselves while I activate the caps-lock feature on my keyboard — TWO COLOURS!

For the record, this is the second time two colours have been given this remarkable honour. In 2016, Pantone announced the pale pink and blue hues, Rose Quartz and Serenity, would be that year’s dynamic duo of colour.

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Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2021

Supplied
Ultimate Grey and Illuminating: stability and vivacity, according to the Pantone Color Institute.

Culinary desecrators deserve hard time

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Culinary desecrators deserve hard time

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Mar. 8, 2021

What with being a crusading newspaper columnist with naturally curly hair, I will be the first to admit that I hate a lot of things.

But, in my jaded view, there is one horrible thing that has always stood above the rest in terms of causing the veins in my forehead to throb like the drummer in a heavy metal band.

Just to be clear, I am not talking about squirrels, although I stand by my repeated warnings that these bushy-tailed terrorists easily pose the greatest threat to the power grid in North America.

No, I personally direct the vast majority of my journalistic bile towards what I consider the most insidious and evil practice on the planet — putting pineapple on pizza.

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Monday, Mar. 8, 2021

Ruth Bonneville / Winnipeg Free Press Files
Pineapple on ‘Hawaiian Pizza’ is already too much — never mind Froot Loops.

Creatures comfort for new humane society head

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Preview

Creatures comfort for new humane society head

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Monday, Mar. 8, 2021

Every morning, shortly after arriving at work, Jessica Miller welcomes a special visitor into her comfortable corner office.

It would be fair to say each of these visitors is unique. Some days it’s a dog. Some days it’s a cat. Other days it might be a hamster.

It might seem odd in most workplaces, but it’s standard for Miller, who on Feb. 15 became the new chief executive officer of the Winnipeg Humane Society, taking the reins from outgoing CEO Javier Schwersensky.

“Every morning I walk through the shelter halls and I peek through the glass to see who is still there from the night before, from the week before, and I try to choose an animal that could use a break from their space,” Miller says with a laugh.

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Monday, Mar. 8, 2021

Jessica Miller, CEO of Winnipeg Humane Society with her dog, Abigail, in the halls of 45 Hurst Way. (Mike Deal / Winnipeg Free Press)

Star-struck

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Star-struck

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Mar. 6, 2021

He’s forged a career out of overcoming adversity, but even Tiger Woods may find this latest mountain too steep to climb.

The sports world held its breath on Feb. 23 when the world’s most famous golfer was rushed to hospital after the SUV he was driving hit a median and crossed over into oncoming traffic, rolling several times.

The 45-year-old, frequently injured golf legend was believed to have been travelling at a high rate of speed before the crash near Los Angeles, authorities said. There were no skid marks or other indications of braking, according to the sheriff.

Woods sustained injuries to his right leg that required a rod, screws, pins and a surgical release of the muscle covering — which surgeons believed would save his leg from amputation.

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Saturday, Mar. 6, 2021

Wally Skalij / Los Angeles Times / TNS files
L.A. County Sheriff’s deputies investigate an accident involving golfer Tiger Woods in Rancho Palos Verdes, Calif. Woods suffered serious injuries to his right leg, leaving fans wondering about his future on the links.

Grade 6 kids have warm, wise cures for COVID blues

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Preview

Grade 6 kids have warm, wise cures for COVID blues

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Wednesday, Mar. 3, 2021

With apologies to Forrest Gump, asking young children for serious advice in the middle of a pandemic is like a box of chocolates — you never know what you’re going to get.

I know this is for a fact because late last week I spent more than an hour with the wise-beyond-their-years kids in teacher Marlene van der Zweep’s Grade 6 class at St. Alphonsus School in East Kildonan.

I visited the school for I Love to Read Month in the sense I appeared on a video-conferencing app, which allowed me to talk while the students stared at gigantic versions of my head on huge screens at the front of two classrooms.

In exchange for visiting schools, I always make the students write something to find out what’s on their minds. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I gave them this weighty assignment — write a letter describing how to cheer someone up in the middle of a global pandemic.

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Wednesday, Mar. 3, 2021

With apologies to Forrest Gump, asking young children for serious advice in the middle of a pandemic is like a box of chocolates — you never know what you’re going to get.

I know this is for a fact because late last week I spent more than an hour with the wise-beyond-their-years kids in teacher Marlene van der Zweep’s Grade 6 class at St. Alphonsus School in East Kildonan.

I visited the school for I Love to Read Month in the sense I appeared on a video-conferencing app, which allowed me to talk while the students stared at gigantic versions of my head on huge screens at the front of two classrooms.

In exchange for visiting schools, I always make the students write something to find out what’s on their minds. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I gave them this weighty assignment — write a letter describing how to cheer someone up in the middle of a global pandemic.

Robot revolution starts with Rusty Nail

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Robot revolution starts with Rusty Nail

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Mar. 1, 2021

I don’t wish to cause widespread panic, but it’s getting closer.

I am referring, of course, to the inevitable Robot Revolution, wherein all of our state-of-the-art smart appliances develop supreme artificial intelligence and morph into cruel robotic overlords that will enslave mankind for generations.

Those of you who are still taking your prescription medications will know that for years I have been bravely warning people about the threat posed by killer robots, even though my heroic efforts have still not earned a major journalism prize.

In recent years, I have written about a robot lawnmower that automatically cuts your grass while you lie corpse-like on your couch boning up on Newton’s First Law of Motion, which states a body at rest is most likely an overweight newspaper columnist.

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Monday, Mar. 1, 2021

A robot bartender serves up a drink at the Barbican exhibition centre in London. ‘Drunk’ Roombas are surely paving the way for the robot revolution. (Frank Augstein / The Associated Press files)

Take the p-p-p-plunge!

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Take the p-p-p-plunge!

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Feb. 27, 2021

It was a perfect afternoon to take the plunge.

The temperature was a brisk -9 C, snow was gently falling, and there I was, wearing only my Hawaiian-themed bathing suit and a T-shirt, sitting on a lawn chair in the middle of a kiddie pool in my snow-covered backyard while a mask-wearing crew from Special Olympics Manitoba dumped buckets of ice and cold water over my head.

I agreed to turn myself into a human Popsicle Wednesday afternoon to help Special Olympics launch its first-ever Virtual Polar Plunge, wherein participants collect pledges, then post videos on social media of themselves “taking the plunge” in the frosty outdoors to help raise funds and awareness for the charity.

I was invited to help kick off the online campaign because back in 2016 I was one of about 60 people who took part in the Ultimate Polar Plunge, flying up to Churchill and then taking a flying leap into the freezing waters of Hudson Bay, famous for its polar bears, beluga whales and vast quantities of ice.

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Saturday, Feb. 27, 2021

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Doug Speirs gets ice, water, and snow dumped on him by Special Olympics Manitoba fundraising manager Terry Hopkinson (left), Special Olympics Manitoba athlete Adam Lloyd, and CEO of Special Olympics Manitoba Jennifer Campbell as part of the Virtual Polar Plunge in his backyard in Winnipeg on Wednesday, Feb. 24, 2021. For Doug story.
Winnipeg Free Press 2021

Honour thy polar bear

Doug Speirs  12 minute read Preview

Honour thy polar bear

Doug Speirs  12 minute read Saturday, Feb. 27, 2021

Today is a great day for Manitoba’s most famous, fearsome and furry residents.

That’s because Feb. 27 is officially International Polar Bear Day, a day set aside to raise awareness of the issues facing these iconic creatures and the ways in which we humans can reduce our carbon footprint.

For the record, this unofficial holiday was created by Polar Bears International, an advocacy group run by conservationists, scientists and volunteers working to educate the public about the effects of climate change on the Arctic region.

More specifically, they focus on how global warming is slowly destroying the habitat of polar bears and adversely affecting their population. Today is a special day for Manitobans, because this province is home to the northern community of Churchill, long considered the Polar Bear Capital of the World.”

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Saturday, Feb. 27, 2021

David Goldman / The Associated Press File
A polar bear on an ice floe in the Franklin Strait in the Canadian Arctic Archipelago.

Rascally rodent’s death a smelly, couch-ruining affair

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Rascally rodent’s death a smelly, couch-ruining affair

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Feb. 24, 2021

I don’t want to cause widespread panic, but it appears the situation is far more alarming than even I realized.

As regular readers have no doubt already deduced, I am referring here to the ongoing threat posed by bushy-tailed squirrels intent on overthrowing their human oppressors.

A few weeks ago I wrote an informative column about how a Toronto woman was shocked to discover a knife-wielding squirrel in her backyard, which prompted a regular reader to send me an email with the following subject line: “$7,300 squirrel.”

“Hi, Doug,” began the email, written by a woman I am going to call Diane Paquin, because that is her name. “I have been following your squirrel issues and, again, I just had to respond by sharing our own squirrel story. (I wrote to you last year after reading about your beer can chicken experience, but I am sure you get a lot of readers writing in).”

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Wednesday, Feb. 24, 2021

Supplied
Even though he appears relaxed at the moment, Riley the Irish Setter was a lot more excited when a squirrel invaded his home.

Quit yelling, Peloton; forget to put Poise in your pants?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Quit yelling, Peloton; forget to put Poise in your pants?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Feb. 22, 2021

I’m not sure if it’s the pandemic. I’m not sure if it’s the brutal cold snap. I’m not sure if it’s because Tom Brady just won his seventh (bad word) Super Bowl. I’m even not sure if it’s the fact the dentist says I have my first cavity in the last 25 years.

Whatever it is, I am in a supremely foul mood. Which is why today I have decided to use this space to let off a little steam via the journalistic technique of venting my spleen over something that has really been getting on my nerves lately.

As many of you have no doubt already deduced, I am talking about TV commercials, which, unless I am utterly mistaken — always a distinct possibility — have become more (bad word) annoying than ever.

Consider something media psychologist Stuart Fischoff wrote in 2013 for Psychology Today: “I call it ‘Commercial Creep,’ the relentless, intrusive proliferation of commercials into every media second of our multi-media lives. My tolerance is long gone. The issue now is controlling my intolerance, which is bordering on complete irrationality.”

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Monday, Feb. 22, 2021

The old-fashioned treadmill has provided some amazing workouts over the years, says columnist Doug Speirs. (Supplied)

A glass of Pinot the same vintage as that hotdog, please

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

A glass of Pinot the same vintage as that hotdog, please

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Feb. 20, 2021

Whenever I watch the TV news before going to bed, I always end up having strange, unsettling dreams.

That’s exactly what happened earlier this week. Moments after nodding off, I found myself standing at the entrance to what I assumed was a swanky new restaurant/bar.

“Good evening, monsieur,” gushed the moustachioed, tuxedo-clad maitre d’ as he ushered me to a small table next to shelves stacked with chocolate bars and taco chips.

“Would monsieur like to sample the boeuf bourguignon with potatoes dauphinoise or perhaps the Coq au Vin with concombre a la menthe?” he inquired as I slid into a comfy chair and placed a napkin on my lap.

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Saturday, Feb. 20, 2021

7-Eleven said Friday, March 20, 2020 that it expects to hire as many as 20,000 workers to help meet the rising demand from customers during the coronavirus pandemic. (Dreamstime/TNS)

Cuppa d’oh!

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Cuppa d’oh!

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Feb. 20, 2021

It would be an understatement to say Tom Brady does not normally land in hot water for flinging a football.

But that’s exactly what happened earlier this month when he tossed the Lombardi Trophy, which is topped by a regulation-sized sterling silver football, across the water to another teammate during Tampa Bay’s Super Bowl celebration boat parade.

Days after helping to lead the Buccaneers to their second championship in franchise history, Brady went viral when he threw the trophy from the boat he was on to a teammate on another vessel.

The trophy toss prompted one Florida woman to demand an apology from the seven-time Super Bowl champion.

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Saturday, Feb. 20, 2021

Dirk Shadd / Tampa Bay Times
Tampa Bay Buccaneers NFL football quarterback Tom Brady, right, waves as an unidentified boy holds the Lombardi Trophy.

Officially dull and boring, and I couldn’t be happier

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Officially dull and boring, and I couldn’t be happier

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2021

There is no easy way to say this, so I’m going to just blurt it out — I am not just dull; I am certifiably dull!

I am not trying to brag, but the full extent of my dullness became apparent last week when I cracked open an email and discovered a certificate of membership inducting me into the Dull Men’s Club.

“The Dull Men’s Club is pleased to let it be known that Doug Speirs is a member in good standing of the Dull Men’s Club, has demonstrated noticeable skills at celebrating the ordinary, and is hereby certified dull,” the certificate proudly declares.

It turns out this tremendously tedious honour was bestowed upon me because I recently wrote a column wherein I pointed out that, in the midst of a pandemic, boring has become the new exciting.

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Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2021

SUPPLIED
Leland Carlson, co-founder of the Dull Men’s Club, inspired — if that’s the right word — by a recent Doug House column, inducted Speirs into the League of Uninteresting Gentlemen.

Humble reporter was true go-to guy

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Humble reporter was true go-to guy

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Feb. 15, 2021

If you were looking around the Free Press newsroom in the mid-1970s to the mid-1980s, your eyes would eventually come to rest on a wavy-haired, bespectacled reporter, sitting at his desk with his arms folded across his chest and a faraway look in his eyes.

Mischievous colleagues, like this columnist, would sometimes gaze back at Paul Moloney, dressed in his trademark white dress shirt, a cigarette dangling from his lips, as he stared into the middle distance with laser-like intensity.

Eventually, realizing a colleague was staring back, Moloney would suddenly snap out of his reverie, an impish grin would spread across his face and he’d offer the onlooker the faintest of nods as if to say: “You caught me!”

But make no mistake — the tall, slender reporter with a razor-sharp sense of humour wasn’t given to daydreaming in the office; he simply had the unique trait of shutting out the world around him when his brain was sorting out the details of yet another complex story that would find its way onto the front page of the Free Press.

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Monday, Feb. 15, 2021

DAVID COOPER / TORONTO STAR
Paul Moloney worked as a reporter at the Winnipeg Free Press for a decade before moving on to the Toronto Star in 1986.

Straight from the heart

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Straight from the heart

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Feb. 13, 2021

Here we are on the eve of Valentine’s Day, and I’m getting the sense that some of you are a little confused about how to celebrate the most romantic day of the year in the middle of a global pandemic.

Fortunately, on your behalf, I sat down this week with a group of young romance experts to seek their advice on how to spread the love in a COVID-19-friendly manner.

I am referring, of course, to the wise-beyond-their-years students in teacher Matthew Ramsay’s Grade 6 classroom at John Pritchard School in North Kildonan.

As part of I Love to Read Month, I visited the school in the sense that I appeared on a video-conferencing app, which allowed me to read Charlie Mackesy’s uplifting new picture book, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse, while the kids stared at a gigantic version of my head on a huge screen at the front of the classroom.

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Saturday, Feb. 13, 2021

SUPPLIED
Free Press columnist Doug Speirs read to the Grade 6 class at John Pritchard School for I Love to Read Month.

Put some lust on a plate for your love-ah

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Put some lust on a plate for your love-ah

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Feb. 13, 2021

There is only one more sleep until the world celebrates Valentine’s Day amid a global pandemic this century, and all you romance-minded Manitobans know exactly what that means, don’t you?

It means you need to put down this newspaper, hop in the car, and drive somewhere (anywhere) to obtain the perfect gift to show your one true love just how much you care.

For the record, what we are suggesting today is that you get your hands on what is arguably the most traditional Valentine’s Day gift of them all — a heart-shaped box of yummy chocolates.

Along with demonstrating your innermost feelings, the gift of a box of chocolates also has a serious scientific side benefit in the sense all that gooey goodness will help you and your true love feel just a little bit sexier.

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Saturday, Feb. 13, 2021

Haggis. (Julie Oliver / Ottawa Citizen files)

Armed squirrels? That’s just nuts!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Armed squirrels? That’s just nuts!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Feb. 10, 2021

I had desperately hoped that I would not be forced to write another angry column about the global menace posed by squirrels, but it has become obvious that I was only deluding myself.

In recent years, despite the fact I have not yet received a major journalism award, I have written literally dozens of groundbreaking columns wherein I warn that extremist squirrels are clearly plotting the downfall of mankind.

I know, on the outside, squirrels are all fuzzy and cute and bushy-tailed, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that some of them will do anything to cast off the shackles of their human oppressors.

Their attacks are becoming more brazen every day. Which is why I was alarmed this week when I spotted a handful of news reports, most of which sported some variation of the following headline: “Toronto woman finds knife-wielding squirrel in backyard!”

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Wednesday, Feb. 10, 2021

Graham Hughes / The Canadian Press files
Seems you never can tell just when that cute little squirrel might be packing.

My era is finally upon us… I’m a bore!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

My era is finally upon us… I’m a bore!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Feb. 8, 2021

It goes without saying that the global pandemic has changed our world in some painfully obvious ways.

What needs to be said, however, is that COVID-19 has also resulted in some subtle changes that can only be perceived by highly trained crusading newspaper columnists such as myself.

What I am trying to say that, just as orange is the new black, pandemic restrictions mean boring has become the new exciting.

I mean, it is impossible now to do something like drive to the local drugstore to buy toothpaste — the very height of tedium in the pre-pandemic world — without stopping to consider the possibility that you might contract a potentially lethal virus while deciding whether Crest or Colgate will earn more points on your loyalty card.

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Monday, Feb. 8, 2021

Winnipeggers' $60-M windfall impressive, but there have been bigger jackpots

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Winnipeggers' $60-M windfall impressive, but there have been bigger jackpots

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Feb. 6, 2021

Winnipegger John Chua and his family have a few more reasons to feel happy amid the gloom of the pandemic — 60 million reasons, to be precise.

That’s because Chua, along with his wife, Jhoana, mother Angie, and uncle Ben Lagman, were revealed Tuesday as winners of the largest lottery jackpot awarded in Manitoba history, and the largest win from a ticket purchased online in Canada.

Chua confessed this week he was originally jealous after hearing someone in Winnipeg had won the $60-million Lotto Max prize, not knowing it was him.

Then he received the email from lottery platform PlayNow.com that changed his life: he and his family had won two free plays, a $20 prize — and the $60-million jackpot.

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Saturday, Feb. 6, 2021

SUPPLIED
John Chua (l-r), Jhoana Chua, Angie Chua, and Ben Lagman won the $60-million jackpot on the Jan. 22 Lotto Max draw — the largest lottery win in Manitoba history.

Former news anchor Gord Leclerc charts new path with his own reno company

Doug Speirs  9 minute read Preview

Former news anchor Gord Leclerc charts new path with his own reno company

Doug Speirs  9 minute read Thursday, Feb. 4, 2021

It was one of the darkest days of Gord Leclerc’s life, but he insists it set him on a path toward a much brighter future.

After helping to host the Salvation Army’s Kettle Campaign kickoff on Nov. 13, 2019, the longtime CTV Winnipeg news anchor returned to the station, grabbed a cup of coffee and was waiting for his shift to begin.

That’s when he was summoned to a meeting, which he believed was to discuss increasing the station’s relationship with another local charity.

"So I brought my notepad and went upstairs, walked into the office, there was the HR manager, my news director and the general manager,” Leclerc recalls, breaking a long silence about the moment his 25-year on-air career came to an unexpected halt.

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Thursday, Feb. 4, 2021

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
ENT - Gord Leclerc
Photos of Gord Leclerc with his truck and logo.
Former CTV anchor Gord Leclerc has replaced his microphone with a hammer etc as he’s opened his own home repair and design firm in the city.
Doug
Feb 04, 2021

I made the short list for governor general! And I’m on it!

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

I made the short list for governor general! And I’m on it!

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2021

I had a little spare time on my hands this week so I decided to perform a valuable public service in the form of floating a few potential candidates for the vacant governor general’s post.

Unless you have been hiding in a drain pipe for the past month, you will already know that Julie Payette is no longer governor general because it turns out she really didn’t want to be governor general in the first place.

By all accounts, when it comes to carrying out the duties and responsibilities of the Queen’s representative in Canada, Payette was an excellent astronaut, because she’s great working in a vacuum.

In considering potential replacements, it is important to keep in mind precisely what a governor general is expected to do. So if anyone reading today’s newspaper knows exactly what that is, please send us an email.

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Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2021

I had a little spare time on my hands this week so I decided to perform a valuable public service in the form of floating a few potential candidates for the vacant governor general’s post.

Unless you have been hiding in a drain pipe for the past month, you will already know that Julie Payette is no longer governor general because it turns out she really didn’t want to be governor general in the first place.

By all accounts, when it comes to carrying out the duties and responsibilities of the Queen’s representative in Canada, Payette was an excellent astronaut, because she’s great working in a vacuum.

In considering potential replacements, it is important to keep in mind precisely what a governor general is expected to do. So if anyone reading today’s newspaper knows exactly what that is, please send us an email.

Finding our place in the binge-watching pack

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Finding our place in the binge-watching pack

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Feb. 1, 2021

It will surprise absolutely no one to learn that Canadians are binge-watching more TV than ever during the pandemic.

But it will surprise a lot of people to learn who most Canadians are binge-watching with.

According to a survey that landed in my email in-box this week, Canadians would much rather watch marathon TV sessions with their family dogs than their partner, friends, or children.

“(The year) 2020 was a year of seeking comfort — and our TV watching habits with our dogs are living proof,” howls a survey from The Dog People at rover.com, a website that touts itself as the world’s largest and most trusted network of five-star pet sitters and dog walkers.

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Monday, Feb. 1, 2021

Doug Speirs / Winnipeg Free Press
Bogey gets in some TV time with Doug watching the NFL playoffs last month.

Not a lotta love for Pink Candy KD

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Not a lotta love for Pink Candy KD

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jan. 30, 2021

If you thought the news couldn’t possibly get worse, I am sorry to report you could not be more wrong.

I say that because I have just read an extremely disturbing news release that was forwarded to me by several editors at this newspaper.

It announced that one of the staples of the Canadian diet — I’m talking about Kraft Dinner, obviously — is under attack by the very people who make it.

“Kraft Dinner sweetens up the cheesiest holiday with a new way to show love,” chirped the news release, which unveiled an alarming new flavour of KD to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

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Saturday, Jan. 30, 2021

CNW Group / Kraft Heinz Canada
Kraft Dinner launches new Candy KD For Valentine’s Day.

Tail to the chief

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Tail to the chief

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Jan. 30, 2021

Critics have howled that the White House went to the dogs during the four years Donald Trump and his family were in residence.

But the reality is, for the first time in four years, canine companions have returned to the Oval Office in the form of President Joe Biden’s two German shepherds, 12-year-old Champ and two-year-old Major.

Just as the administration of Biden and Vice-President Kamala Harris boasts several firsts, the first canines made history and headlines this week as Major became the first-ever shelter dog to live at the White House. |

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Saturday, Jan. 30, 2021

Stephanie Carter/Delaware Humane Association
Joe Biden shows off newly-adopted Major in 2018. The German shepherd has become the first-ever shelter dog to live at the White House.

Giving voice to my inner Scotsman

Doug Speirs   6 minute read Preview

Giving voice to my inner Scotsman

Doug Speirs   6 minute read Wednesday, Jan. 27, 2021

What with being more Scottish than anyone currently in Scotland, my family religiously celebrates Robbie Burns Day every Jan. 25, unless, of course, we forget.

It’s the night when Scots — and everyone who dreams of being Scots — celebrate the life and work of Scotland’s national poet with a bit of Auld Lang Syne (which he wrote), a wee dram of whisky (single malt) and a heaping helping of haggis (sheep entrails mixed with onions and oatmeal and boiled in a sheep’s stomach).

So there I was early Monday evening, parked in front of our home computer, staring into the middle distance, ignoring my Scottish heritage, when my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, walked in the front door.

When the dogs had finished barking, she looked at me and chirped: “Happy Robbie Burns Day, dear!”

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Wednesday, Jan. 27, 2021

YouTube
Singer Andy M. Stewart.

St. Vital woman's frozen polar bears nab her a slot on Live with Kelly and Ryan

Doug Speirs   6 minute read Preview

St. Vital woman's frozen polar bears nab her a slot on Live with Kelly and Ryan

Doug Speirs   6 minute read Tuesday, Jan. 26, 2021

The Bears on Barrington are going big time.

The popular U.S. daytime TV talk show Live with Kelly and Ryan will be airing a segment this week showcasing a Winnipeg woman who turned the front yard of her Barrington Avenue home in St. Vital into a polar bear playground.

Hosts Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest will be chatting Thursday morning with Vinora Bennett, a 40-year-old married mother of three whose rapidly growing display of lifelike polar bears sculpted from snow and ice has become a tourist attraction for passing motorists.

“I’m so pumped. I’m so excited. I couldn’t say no, because my neighbours and my sister would kill me if I said no,” Bennett says about appearing on Live with Kelly and Ryan, which airs weekdays at 8 a.m. on CTV.

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Tuesday, Jan. 26, 2021

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS FILES
Vinora Bennett and her snow bears will be featured on Live with Kelly and Ryan on Thursday.

Hello, Joe, it’s me, Canada

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Hello, Joe, it’s me, Canada

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jan. 25, 2021

To: U.S. president Joe Biden

From: A Canadian couch potato

Re: Congratulations, eh

Dear Joe: When I heard that your predecessor, Donald Trump, was kind enough to get off the golf course long enough to write you a “very generous” letter, I figured the least I could do was climb off the couch in my den and send a few thoughts from a northern neighbour.

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Monday, Jan. 25, 2021

Carolyn Kaster / The Associated Press
Former U.S. president Donald Trump eyes his Diet Coke button in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, D.C. in 2018.

It’s hockey night in snowplow land

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

It’s hockey night in snowplow land

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Jan. 23, 2021

Like most hockey-mad Manitobans, I could not be more happy that the new NHL season is underway, even if our Jets are only playing 56 games in a pandemic-reduced schedule against strictly Canadian opponents.

The only downside for me is that a lot of the games keep me up past my bedtime, which means I am forced to triple my normal caffeine intake the following morning and prop my droopy eyelids up with toothpicks.

Speaking of hockey, today is an extremely special day, and not just because the Jets will be facing off against the Ottawa Senators at 9 p.m. at Bell MTS Place.

Prepare to be unreasonably alarmed, because today, Saturday, Jan. 23, along with being Day 4 in the post-Trump era and the day on which I can get my hair cut after 10 weeks because restrictions are supposed to be relaxed, also happens to be (insert dramatic pause) Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.

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Saturday, Jan. 23, 2021

Like most hockey-mad Manitobans, I could not be more happy that the new NHL season is underway, even if our Jets are only playing 56 games in a pandemic-reduced schedule against strictly Canadian opponents.

The only downside for me is that a lot of the games keep me up past my bedtime, which means I am forced to triple my normal caffeine intake the following morning and prop my droopy eyelids up with toothpicks.

Speaking of hockey, today is an extremely special day, and not just because the Jets will be facing off against the Ottawa Senators at 9 p.m. at Bell MTS Place.

Prepare to be unreasonably alarmed, because today, Saturday, Jan. 23, along with being Day 4 in the post-Trump era and the day on which I can get my hair cut after 10 weeks because restrictions are supposed to be relaxed, also happens to be (insert dramatic pause) Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.

Use of 'patient zero' term can leave trail of despair

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Use of 'patient zero' term can leave trail of despair

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Friday, Jan. 22, 2021

It sounds like the name of a Hollywood thriller — The Hunt for Patient Zero.

The phrase “patient zero” has been on the minds and lips of much of the world as the search continues for the first documented human case of the COVID-19 virus that has so far claimed more than two million lives around the globe, including more than 18,000 in Canada.

According to the World Health Organization, it’s a search that may never yield an answer.

“We need to be careful about the use of the phrase ‘patient zero,’ which many people indicate as the first initial case,” Maria Van Kerkhove, the WHO’s technical lead on COVID-19, said last week. “We may never find who patient zero was. What we need to do is follow the science and follow the studies.”

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Friday, Jan. 22, 2021

NATIONAL MUSEUM OF HEALTH AND MEDICINE / TNS FILES
Influenza epidemic patients lie on cots at the Emergency Hospital in Camp Funston, Kansas during the 1918 Spanish influenza outbreak.

Grand dame of Notre Dame about to turn 100

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Grand dame of Notre Dame about to turn 100

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Wednesday, Jan. 20, 2021

COVID-19 has been spoiling parties ever since it arrived in Manitoba, but it’s especially heart-breaking when the birthday girl is poised to turn 100.

Friends and family had been planning to rent the community hall in Notre Dame de Lourdes for a huge celebration to mark beloved resident Martha Sala hitting the century mark on Feb. 2.

Along with having five children, 19 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren and two great-great-grandchildren, Martha is renowned for being a tireless volunteer in the small community 120 kilometres southwest of Winnipeg, driving the “older ladies” to Bingo — even though they’re all younger than her — possessing an irrepressible sense of humour, and having more energy than people half her age.

With plans for the 100th birthday party on ice, her granddaughter is appealing for Manitobans to pay tribute to this inspiring centenarian, who was orphaned along with her nine siblings as a child, with an old-school “Friendly Manitoba” gesture — sending birthday cards and greetings.

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Wednesday, Jan. 20, 2021

SUPPLIED
Martha Sala with great-granddaughter Gabby.

Today on Pandemic Self-Care with Doug… Taming the Beast

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Today on Pandemic Self-Care with Doug… Taming the Beast

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Monday, Jan. 18, 2021

Excuse me for bragging, but it turns out I have far more in common with Hollywood superstar George Clooney than you might think.

It’s not that people get me confused with the famously silver-haired, bearded dreamboat when I’m standing in the frozen-food aisle at Safeway, although I am not ruling that out.

It’s just that Clooney and I are both willing to publicly admit that we have, on occasion, cut our own hair. I’m not saying I have cut Clooney’s hair, or vice versa.

No, I’m saying that, while in different locations, we have engaged in some serious hair removal in an effort to be as presentable as humanly possible if we are ever allowed to appear in public again.

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Monday, Jan. 18, 2021

Clooney gives himself a Flowbee haircut on the Jimmy Kimmel show. (ABC)

Out of bounds

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Out of bounds

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Jan. 16, 2021

You could be excused for not knowing that American golfer Harris English snapped a seven-year drought on the PGA Tour last weekend when he won the title at the Sentry Tournament of Champions in Hawaii.

That’s because English’s first victory since 2013 was overshadowed by a headline-grabbing gaffe by Justin Thomas, the No. 3-ranked golfer in the world.

Thomas, 27, who finished in third place, was forced to apologize repeatedly after uttering a homophobic slur that was caught by television microphones during the third round of the tournament.

The incident happened on the fourth hole after Thomas, the defending champion, missed a five-foot par putt. As he went to tap in the bogey, microphones picked up the slur, which became a hot topic on social media.

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Saturday, Jan. 16, 2021

Harris English uttered a homophobic slur that was caught by television microphones during the third round of Sentry Tournament of Champions in Hawaii. (Matthew Thayer / The Maui News files)

Winnipegger's slice-of-life photos immortalized on Jones Soda bottles

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Winnipegger's slice-of-life photos immortalized on Jones Soda bottles

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Jan. 16, 2021

It would be fair to say Glen Zelinsky is Manitoba’s most prolific pop artist.

That’s because his work — photographs taken on his smartphone, often featuring his kids — have appeared on more than 200,000 bottles of soda pop throughout North America.

Zelinsky, a media buyer and accountant with Winnipeg ad agency HR AdWorks, has had his photos selected for five labels by Jones Soda Co., famed for using customer-submitted art on every bottle.

He’s defied the odds in the sense only about one per cent of submitted photos make it through the vetting process and end up showcased on a bottle of Jones Soda, also famous for its array of quirky flavours.

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Saturday, Jan. 16, 2021

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Zelinsky displays four of the five labels of Jones Soda that feature his photographs.

Ursine exhibition gives lockdown life polar purpose

Doug Speirs   6 minute read Preview

Ursine exhibition gives lockdown life polar purpose

Doug Speirs   6 minute read Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2021

They’re being called the Bears on Barrington. A St. Vital woman, sick and tired of having nothing to do during the code-red lockdown, has turned the front yard of her home on Barrington Avenue into a polar bear playground.

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Tuesday, Jan. 12, 2021

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Bennett has sculpted almost a dozen polar bear snow sculptures, which range in size and formation.

Finger-lickin’ good news for your fireplace

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Finger-lickin’ good news for your fireplace

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jan. 11, 2021

What with being a crusading newspaper columnist, I am used to the constant ups and downs of doing journalism for a living.

On the upside, I was 10 shades of excited late last year when my city editor emailed me a news release along with the following comment: “This has your name all over it!”

The opening paragraph of the news breathlessly declared: “Forget chestnuts roasting over an open fire, because KFC’s famous fried chicken-scented 11 Herbs & Spices Firelog is coming to Canada.”

It contained this inspiring quote from Samantha Redman, chief marketing officer, KFC Canada: “Canada’s winter season and fireplaces go together like an iconic KFC bucket of chicken and gravy. It’s the comfort of a warm fire and the delicious aroma of our world-famous fried chicken that makes the KFC 11 Herbs & Spices Firelog a truly hearth-warming and hunger-inducing experience for all.”

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Monday, Jan. 11, 2021

Supplied
Doug Speirs burned the KFC firelog in the backyard firepit on Boxing Day.

Ditching the darkness

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Preview

Ditching the darkness

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Saturday, Jan. 9, 2021

It’s the ninth day of 2021, and all you hip and happening Manitobans know exactly what that means, don’t you?

It means it’s time for you to put down this newspaper and give yourselves a pat on the back for surviving 2020, the most dark and deplorable year any of us has ever experienced.

It’s also time to look in the mirror and ask yourselves a difficult question: Am I ready to put the past behind me and sparkle like a diamond in this bright and shiny new year?

Well, are you? Are you ready to face the challenges of a year that began with a bunch of lunatics storming the U.S. Capitol building because their guy didn’t win the presidential election?

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Saturday, Jan. 9, 2021

Tasos Katopodis / Getty Images
With news the House Judiciary Committee is drafting new articles of impeachment for U.S. President Donald Trump, and word of support coming from both sides of the House, is this photo of his ‘Stop the Steal’ press conference the last we’ll see of him as president?

McGarry family to celebrate late mom's life, end of difficult year with Riverview fireworks

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

McGarry family to celebrate late mom's life, end of difficult year with Riverview fireworks

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Dec. 21, 2020

When Patricia McGarry passed away in October at age 93, her family wasn’t able to give their fun-loving mother the big send-off she’d always wanted.

Instead, they made headlines because confusion over new COVID-19 restrictions on gathering size prevented two of McGarry’s six children from attending her funeral.

On New Year’s Eve, however, the McGarry family is going to finally send their mother out with a bang — quite literally — in the form of a huge fireworks display for patients and residents at Riverview Health Centre, where she spent her final days in the palliative care unit.

The display is being presented by local commercial real estate firm Cushman & Wakefield Stevenson, where McGarry’s son Martin is CEO and son Kevin is managing broker.

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Monday, Dec. 21, 2020

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Martin McGarry (left), CEO of Cushman & Wakefield Stevenson, and Sheldon Mindell, executive director of Riverview Health Centre, outside Riverview. Cushman & Wakefield Stevenson is funding a fireworks display on the grounds for New Year’s Eve.

'Tis the season for greedy Grinches to steal the packages off your doorstep

Doug Speirs  3 minute read Preview

'Tis the season for greedy Grinches to steal the packages off your doorstep

Doug Speirs  3 minute read Saturday, Dec. 19, 2020

’Tis the season for “porch pirates.”

However, Manitobans are reportedly among the least likely to be victimized by the sticky-fingered holiday Grinches.

According to a survey of 1,182 Canadians by price-comparison website Finder.com, 20 per cent of Manitobans (about one in five) said they had parcels stolen from outside their homes — compared to the national average of 23 per cent.

“While nearly one in 10 Canadians have had a package worth more than $250 taken, the average value of stolen packages is $113. That’s approximately $784-million worth of products that have been ‘pirated’ from porches across Canada,” Finder.com stated.

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Saturday, Dec. 19, 2020

Dreamstime / TNS
Porch pirates are getting more brazen each year.

Isolated folks, frontline workers bowled over by Soup Fairies' generosity

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Isolated folks, frontline workers bowled over by Soup Fairies' generosity

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Wednesday, Dec. 16, 2020

A Winnipeg couple is spreading comfort and joy through a challenging holiday season by delivering the gift of homemade soup to hundreds of frontline workers impacted by COVID-19.

They’ve become famous online as the Winnipeg Soup Fairies, but the recipients of their delicious deliveries prefer to think of this married Windsor Park couple as Christmas Angels.

As of Wednesday, Paulette Côté and her husband of 28 years, Peter Czehryn, had delivered more than 100 litres of soup along with fresh baking and a message of compassion to people in quarantine or suffering from the novel coronavirus.

“We’ve focused on health-care workers, educators and frontline workers and their families,” explained Côté, 57, who will be retiring in March after a career as a school community liaison worker in St. Vital. “Sometimes it’s after someone died from COVID-19 and sometimes it’s been when someone has tested positive and can’t get out and is isolated.”

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Wednesday, Dec. 16, 2020

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Paulette Côté and her husband Peter Czehryn, better known as the Winnipeg Soup Fairies, carrying a pot of their homemade soup from St. Mary's Road United Church to their car to be delivered Wednesday.

Have Santa suit, will travel

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Have Santa suit, will travel

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Dec. 14, 2020

Santa Claus is still coming to town — thanks to a group of friends who are slipping on red velvet suits to pay socially-distanced holiday visits to Winnipeg families over the next two weeks.

They call themselves the Travelling Santas, and they’re volunteering evenings to make Christmas brighter for local children while following COVID-19 pandemic protocols and collecting non-perishable food items for Harvest Manitoba.

“It’s just a group of friends and family going out to try to see as many homes and children as possible,” said organizer Jason Gray, 33. “We have six Santas — seven, including myself — and we have a Mrs. Claus and an elf.

“It’s mainly my close friends and my father, Brian Gray (a retired Free Press employee). My step-mom is Mrs. Claus. The whole idea is to get kids to tell Santa what they want for Christmas, just like at the shopping mall.”

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Monday, Dec. 14, 2020

JOHN WOODS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESSMichael Cheetham, from left, Jason Gray and Lee Jacobson dress as Santa and go around visiting children outside their homes Sunday, December 13, 2020. The friends are collecting food for Harvest Manitoba.

Christmas spirit echoes among neighbours

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Christmas spirit echoes among neighbours

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Friday, Dec. 11, 2020

For a decade, Paula and Jason Paterson have lived in the shadow of their Linden Woods neighbour’s spectacular Christmas display.

Festooned with 80,000 lights and more dazzling decorations than you could shake a candy cane at, Dayle and Al Jasper’s home on Shorecrest Drive has won top prize in the annual Linden Woods lights contest multiple times over the past decade.

“He (Al) does such a good job,” Paula said, wearing a face mask as she chatted in the foyer of her home.

“I call him Clark Griswold (the lights-loving character played by Chevy Chase in the 1989 seasonal staple National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation) and he’s like: ‘That’s a huge compliment!’ He loved it. He’s the star of the street.”

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Friday, Dec. 11, 2020

Mike Sudoma / Winnipeg Free Press
The Jasper family (Dayle and Al) (left) and the Paterson family (Jason and Paula) in front of their respective houses on Shorecrest Drive, a popular holiday attraction among Winnipeggers.

COVID hits pause for mall's Mr. & Mrs. Claus, so they're working remotely

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

COVID hits pause for mall's Mr. & Mrs. Claus, so they're working remotely

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Dec. 9, 2020

What’s a mall Santa to do when a global pandemic means he can’t make a living as a mall Santa?

If you’re 63-year-old retired teacher J. Craig Oliphant, you take a job as an online singing Santa doing Zoom calls for kids, with your wife of 39 years at your side, portraying Mrs. Claus.

“I love it!” Oliphant says of his new holiday season gig. “I like it better than being a mall Santa. This (Zoom calls) is more personal. You really get to know the kids. We spend 20 minutes in each session and we sing about two or three songs.

“I love performing. There’s a lot of joy that comes from it,” he says.

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Wednesday, Dec. 9, 2020

JOHN WOODS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Craig and Carla Oliphant perform as Santa and Mrs. Claus in their online performance at their studio in Winnipeg.

No Christmas trees, no Christmas trees — the lots are empty as can be

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

No Christmas trees, no Christmas trees — the lots are empty as can be

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Dec. 7, 2020

It might take a Christmas miracle to get your hands on even a scraggly Charlie Brown-style tree this holiday season.

Winnipeg garden centre owners interviewed Monday morning said they are totally sold out and they’ve never seen stock vanish this quickly in all their years in the business.

They likened it to the holiday version of panicked shoppers binge-buying toilet paper when the COVID-19 pandemic first arrived in the province back in March.

“I’m sold out,” declared Ray DuBois, owner of Ron Paul Garden Centre on St. Mary’s Road. “I could see it coming back in August. When we placed our order, I bumped it up by 10 per cent.”

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Monday, Dec. 7, 2020

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS Ray DuBois, owner of Ron Paul Garden Centre, poses for a portrait with a pre-sold tree in the empty space where the Christmas tree lot used to be in Winnipeg on Monday, Dec. 7, 2020.

Salvation Army kettle campaign rings in new way to give

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Salvation Army kettle campaign rings in new way to give

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Friday, Dec. 4, 2020

The Salvation Army’s iconic Christmas Kettle fundraising campaign, put on ice by pandemic restrictions, is being revived by a tiny high-tech device that allows touchless donations.

“This new technology will allow us to have unmanned kettles in safe locations,” said Maj. Jamie Rands, Prairie division secretary for public relations. “It is a tremendous blessing to be able to get something out there to allow donors to help us.

"Because we have not been able to have our kettles physically out in Manitoba, our donations are a fraction of what they would have been at this time in previous years."

It simply wasn’t safe to have bell-ringing volunteers manning the iconic red kettles in Winnipeg earlier in the COVID-19 pandemic, and it’s prohibited by current code red restrictions, Rands said.

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Friday, Dec. 4, 2020

The Salvation Army has set up a tap system for donatoins. (Mike Sudoma / Winnipeg Free Press)

Have an appy holiday: bringing Santa to smartphones

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Have an appy holiday: bringing Santa to smartphones

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Friday, Dec. 4, 2020

You’d better not cry or pout if you can’t get a festive seasonal photo at the mall this year — because a tech-savvy Winnipeg mom has come up with a safe way to bring Santa to you amid the global pandemic.

Sharon Knutson, a married Charleswood mother of two, is the creator of the Santa Pics App, which allows users to take holiday photos with a virtual Santa without leaving the comfort and safety of their own homes.

“In July, I was reflecting on how COVID-19 was affecting my kids,” Knutson says of daughter, Grace, 13, and son Chris, 10. “I thought about my annual tradition of taking taking the kids to the mall for a photo with Santa.

“I’ve done that every year since they were babies, never missed a year. We display the photos in our house every year and it’s fun to see how the kids have grown over the years.

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Friday, Dec. 4, 2020

Supplied
Sharon Knutsen’s app, Santa Pics, lets users take pics with Santa despite COVID-19.

Delivering holiday joy to families

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Delivering holiday joy to families

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Friday, Dec. 4, 2020

Santa’s getting a little break this year, but the elves at a children’s charity will be working double time to deliver two truckloads of holiday hampers and toys to Winnipeg’s neediest families.

“We’re just trying to do our part to give these families something to look forward to, something to brighten their lives over the holidays,” said Jeff Liba, CEO of Variety, the Children’s Charity of Manitoba, which provides specialized equipment, programs and services to kids with special needs.

Liba said the charity’s offices are overflowing with about $45,000 worth of holiday hamper items and toys that will be delivered on Dec. 8 to 150 families who care for about 600 economically disadvantaged schoolchildren in the city.

“We’ve got a truck with a big trailer pulling up, we’ll load up and make the drop-offs at four family resource centres in low-income neighbourhoods,” he explained. “The centres will distribute the items to the families and the kids. There’s so much stuff, it will take us two trips.

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Friday, Dec. 4, 2020

MIKE DEAL / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Jeff Liba, CEO of Variety, says it’s even more important to provide families in need with basic items in the middle of a health crisis.

Pyjama project seeks to give 2,020 PJs to needy kids at Christmas

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Pyjama project seeks to give 2,020 PJs to needy kids at Christmas

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Dec. 2, 2020

A Winnipeg artist is trying to refurbish 2020’s gloomy image – by collecting 2,020 pairs of pyjamas for needy schoolchildren this holiday season.

For the ninth straight year, Carmela Wade is organizing her Visions of Sugarplums Pyjama Project, a drive to provide needy schoolchildren in the community with the gift of new PJs for the holidays.

“I think it’s the gift of a hug, the gift of someone caring about you and the gift of comfort and joy,” says Wade, an art educator and co-founder of Creative Revival Co., a local consulting firm that uses art workshops to foster creative thinking for corporations and schools.

“I’ve already delivered to three schools, but the bottom line is I still need pyjamas.”

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Wednesday, Dec. 2, 2020

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
LOCAL - pyjamas for those in need
Photo of local artist, Carmela Wade, with large bags and boxes filled with donated PJ"s that were dropped off and to be delivered to children's homes for those in need. This is in her ninth year of organizing a Christmas pyjama drive for needy children.
Her project is the Visions of Sugarplums Pyjama Project run from her home in Lindenwoods. She says amid the pandemic more people are donating than ever. She’s trying to collect 2,020 pairs of pjs to make 2020 sound more positive.
Doug Speirs story.
Nov 30th, 2020

Terminal diagnosis isn't stopping this firecracker of kindness from helping others

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Preview

Terminal diagnosis isn't stopping this firecracker of kindness from helping others

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Monday, Nov. 30, 2020

A Winnipeg woman diagnosed with terminal cancer is using her final months to make the Christmas season brighter for needy families in her community.

Told she has nine months to a year to live, Jaime Webster, 41, decided to stop chemotherapy and radiation because she didn't want to spend her final days in a hospital unable to visit with her husband and two sons because of the pandemic.

Instead, the Fort Richmond resident sat down and wrote a bucket list of all the things she wants to accomplish in whatever time she has left, and the final wish on that list is this — save a neighbourhood.

Which is why, about three weeks ago, Webster used her Facebook page to launch South Winnipeg Assists Santa, a community group dedicated to creating and delivering Christmas hampers to families that are struggling to celebrate Christmas amid the COVID-19 pandemic.

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Monday, Nov. 30, 2020

Ruth Bonneville
RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS

You’re doggone right he’ll be back

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

You’re doggone right he’ll be back

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Nov. 30, 2020

For the past 25 years, Frank Adam has struggled to get thousands of jittery dogs and cats to look into the lens of his camera for festive holiday photos.

This year, he’s simply struggling to breathe.

This would have marked the 26th year the owner of Adam York Photography has volunteered his skills at the annual Pet Pics with Santa Paws fundraisers in support of the Winnipeg Humane Society.

But the surging global COVID-19 pandemic killed a holiday event beloved by Winnipeg pet owners — and it almost killed Frank, too.

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Monday, Nov. 30, 2020

SUPPLIED
Frank’s mother Hildegard died from COVID. Frank suffered lung scarring from the virus.

Humane society asks families to help furry friends

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Humane society asks families to help furry friends

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Friday, Nov. 27, 2020

If you’ve got an empty shoebox and some spare gift wrap, you can help make the holidays brighter for pets and owners struggling to make ends meet amid the pandemic.

The Winnipeg Humane Society has unveiled its Kids Give Back project, in which families, especially those with children, are being asked to fill gift-wrapped boxes with pet food, treats and toys, then take them to shelter at 45 Hurst Way for a curbside drop-off on Dec. 6.

“It’s an opportunity for youth, kids and families to engage in kindness over the holidays,” said Kelle Greene, the society’s manager of volunteer services.

“We’re asking families to put together a pet shoebox. Inside, would be things like dog treats, dog food, cat food, litter, toys, catnip, anything a pet would like,” she said. “They have to wrap it in holiday wrap, make it look cheerful. Put a tag on the box saying cat, dog or critter so that we know and can direct it to the appropriate person for their family pet.”

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Friday, Nov. 27, 2020

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Kelle Greene of the Winnipeg Humane Society, with Kato, and a holiday shoebox with pet food, treats and toys for the Kids Give Back project.

Toy story: Children’s Hospital moves to online donations for holiday campaign

Doug Speirs   4 minute read Preview

Toy story: Children’s Hospital moves to online donations for holiday campaign

Doug Speirs   4 minute read Wednesday, Nov. 25, 2020

It’s one of the most joyful sights of Christmas — kind-hearted Winnipeggers dropping off toys for sick kids who are stuck in Children’s Hospital over the holidays.

But this year, that joyous sight has become yet another victim of the COVID-19 pandemic. Children’s Hospital Foundation of Manitoba broke the sad news Wednesday that it can’t accept in-person toy donations because visitors are prohibited from entering the hospital.

“We know people are phoning and asking: ‘When can we drop off toys?’ This year, we’re saying: ‘Please make a monetary donation if you can,’” Stefano Grande, president and CEO of the foundation, said.

Grande said the foundation has to do everything possible to ensure the virus doesn’t slip into the Sherbrook Street hospital.

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Wednesday, Nov. 25, 2020

Angel squad moves heaven and earth to hold fundraiser

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Angel squad moves heaven and earth to hold fundraiser

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Tuesday, Nov. 24, 2020

For the past 24 years, it’s been a surefire sign the holidays are just around the corner in Winnipeg.

Every year, starting Dec. 1, flights of volunteer angels sporting sparkling halos, fuzzy wings and billowing gowns descend on the Maryland Bridge for several days to solicit drive-by donations from rush-hour commuters as part of Misericordia Health Centre Foundation’s famed Angel Squad.

“It always marks the start of the holiday season,” says Lisa Stiver, chair of the foundation’s board. “You can drive across the bridge and see squads of angels. It’s an event the whole community comes out for and it starts them thinking about the philanthropy they’ll do over the holiday season."

This year, however, the squad’s wings have been clipped by the global COVID-19 pandemic, because no one — especially not a health centre — wants a heavenly gathering of angels to be transformed into a super-spreader event.

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Tuesday, Nov. 24, 2020

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Local - Angel Squad
Photo of Lisa Stiver (Misericordia Health Centre Foundation board chair) in her Angel Squad gear outside waving to vehicles for a Doug Speirs column.
Lisa Stiver shows off her exuberance and vitality as she helps raise awareness and funds for the Misericordia Health Centre as the 25th annual Angel Squad kicks off on Tuesday.
Funds raised through Angel Squad volunteers who wave at passing vehicles in the area ensurespatients and residents at the Misericordia Health Centre receive all the compassionate care they need through the provision of essential health programs, equipment and services.
See story.
Nov 24th, 2020

This brand of ‘sexy’ just ain’t selling

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

This brand of ‘sexy’ just ain’t selling

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Nov. 23, 2020

This is hard to admit, but it seems I share one thing in common with defeated President Donald J. Trump — I have been robbed of something I really wanted to win with all my heart.

What I am trying to say is that People magazine has once again issued its list of the Sexiest Men Alive and — brace yourselves for a major shock — I am not on it!

Q: Doug, are you trying to suggest, without evidence, that you were robbed of the title Sexiest Man Alive in 2020 due to widespread fraud just as Donald Trump is trying to bulldoze democracy by spewing delusional, unfounded claims that he was robbed of a second term in the White House?

A: Yes, that pretty much sums it up.

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Monday, Nov. 23, 2020

Athletes driven to tears by personal loss, unexpected achievement

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Preview

Athletes driven to tears by personal loss, unexpected achievement

Doug Speirs   11 minute read Saturday, Nov. 21, 2020

No one was surprised when Dustin Johnson, the No. 1-ranked golfer in the world, won the Masters Tournament last Sunday at Augusta National Golf Club with a record-setting score of 20-under par.

But almost everyone was surprised when the normally stoic 36-year-old golf pro, long considered one of the most aloof athletes in the sport, broke down and cried after earning his first green jacket.

Johnson, who grew up about an hour from Augusta, shared an embrace with his partner, Paulina Gretzky, after securing the win and was then asked by CBS reporter Amanda Balionis what the victory meant to him.

The newly minted champion looked down at the Augusta National logo emblazoned on his jacket, then paused for about 10 seconds as he struggled to find the words in what became a remarkably heart-felt moment.

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Saturday, Nov. 21, 2020

Curtis Compton / Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dustin Johnson

Disney nonagenarian worth considering as Donald ducks results

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Disney nonagenarian worth considering as Donald ducks results

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2020

It turns out Joe Biden and Donald Trump weren’t the only senior citizens racking up votes in the never-ending presidential election.

According to news reports throughout the United States, voters disillusioned by the two human candidates opted to write in the name of their favourite senior celebrity — Mickey Mouse.

In Wake County, N.C., for instance, Mickey got the support of 94 registered voters, easily outpacing infectious diseases expert Dr. Anthony Fauci (14 votes) and seasonal superstar Santa Claus (eight votes).

“As an election judge, who assisted with recording the names of write-in-candidates voted for on ballots, it was amazing to see how many votes fictitious characters like Mickey Mouse received,” one election official grumbled in a letter to Montana’s Independent Record newspaper.

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Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2020

RUTH BONNEVILLE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Michelle Bradley-Bahuaud and her Mickey Mouse-themed Christmas decorations.

House of the people all the better with dogs

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

House of the people all the better with dogs

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Nov. 16, 2020

Every day without fail, I stop and stare at a framed poster that hangs in the hallway leading to our main bathroom.

A gift from my buddy Bob, the publisher of this newspaper, and his wife, Lena, it features an artist’s rendering of 22 famous presidential pets throughout American history.

Along with Jack Lincoln the turkey, Old Ike Wilson the Shropshire ram and Socks Clinton the cat, there’s a plethora of presidential mutts — Charlie Kennedy the Welsh terrier, Checkers Nixon the cocker spaniel, Lucky Reagan the Bouvier des Flandres, and Bo and Sunny Obama, the Portuguese water dogs, to name just a few.

Conspicuously absent, however, is the depiction of any pet belonging to Donald J. Trump, the outgoing president of the United States who refuses to admit he is the outgoing president of the United States.

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Monday, Nov. 16, 2020

Stephanie Carter / Delaware Humane Association
The White House will once again be a dog house as U.S. President-elect Joe Biden will be joined there by his two German shepherds, two-year-old Major (pictured) and 12-year-old Champ.

It’s raining cats and dogs… and iguanas!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

It’s raining cats and dogs… and iguanas!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Nov. 14, 2020

Today’s informative and entertaining column is like a double-edged sword in the sense I have some good news and some bad news to share with you.

What with being a glass-half-full sort of columnist, let’s start with the good news, which is the fact that I’m pretty sure we can all stop worrying about gigantic murder hornets coming to Manitoba and stinging our eyeballs.

I say that despite the alarming fact five of the invasive Asian giant hornets have recently been found on British Columbia’s Lower Mainland and a basketball-sized nest containing nearly 200 queens was just discovered in Washington close to the border with B.C.

For the record, this is good news because almost all of my relatives live in B.C. and, regardless of how many times we invite them, they refuse to visit Winnipeg on the grounds that, and I will quote them directly, “Your winters are way too (bad word) cold!” I assume B.C.’s murder hornets would feel the same way.

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Saturday, Nov. 14, 2020

(Cristobal Herrera/Sun Sentinel files)
Iguanas fall from trees when they freeze and there are chances they are more tolerant of cold weather now than they were a few years ago.

Gracious concession the latest norm trashed by Trump

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Gracious concession the latest norm trashed by Trump

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Nov. 14, 2020

It’s far more than a common courtesy — it’s a cherished American tradition.

When a candidate loses a U.S. presidential election, tradition demands the candidate promptly and publicly acknowledges defeat in a concession speech to help with the peaceful transition of power.

A concession speech isn’t part of U.S. law or the Constitution — it’s a time-honoured voluntary gesture, the moment a candidate tells supporters the other side has won, the campaign is over, and it’s time to begin healing.

It goes back to 1896 when Democrat William Jennings Bryan, after losing to Republican William McKinley, sent a congratulatory telegram reading: “I hasten to extend my congratulations. We have submitted the issue to the American people and their will is law.”

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Saturday, Nov. 14, 2020

(Saul Loeb / AFP files)
No presidential candidate in modern history has refused to deliver a concession speech — at least not until Donald Trump.

And the world record for most time in a tub goes to… me!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

And the world record for most time in a tub goes to… me!

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Nov. 11, 2020

I don’t wish to complain, but I found myself in a rather awkward position the other morning.

I was lying on my back, reading the newspaper, when, suddenly and without warning, my cellphone began to chirp.

Reaching over to the small shelf beside me, I quickly scooped up the phone and blurted: “Good Morning!”

The voice on the other end of the line belonged to my editor, who was calling to have a in-depth discussion about professional journalism.

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Wednesday, Nov. 11, 2020

I don’t wish to complain, but I found myself in a rather awkward position the other morning.

I was lying on my back, reading the newspaper, when, suddenly and without warning, my cellphone began to chirp.

Reaching over to the small shelf beside me, I quickly scooped up the phone and blurted: “Good Morning!”

The voice on the other end of the line belonged to my editor, who was calling to have a in-depth discussion about professional journalism.

There’s real bravery in acknowledging our vulnerabilities

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

There’s real bravery in acknowledging our vulnerabilities

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Nov. 9, 2020

Today I’d like to spend a little time remembering Connery, Sean Connery, the charismatic Scottish actor who died late last month at the age of 90.

I admired Connery and not simply because he was the first — and best — actor to bring James Bond, the suave and lethal British secret agent, to life on the big screen.

He also wasn’t my hero simply because he had “Scotland Forever” tattooed on his arm at the age of 16 when he enrolled in the Royal Navy and was a tireless advocate for Scottish independence.

That’s saying a lot considering my son is a proud bagpiper, my daughter was a longtime highland dancer, and I personally have appeared in a kilt countless times and own an impressive collection of single-malt whiskeys.

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Monday, Nov. 9, 2020

Amazon / TNS
The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse is the creation of U.K. cartoonist, artist and book illustrator Charlie Mackesy.

Bursting with pride over a bunch of bronze busts

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Bursting with pride over a bunch of bronze busts

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Nov. 7, 2020

What with living in a code-red world along with everyone else in Winnipeg, my wife and I are unable to escape the boredom by going out to restaurants, bars, movie theatres and recreation facilities.

Instead, She Who Must Not Be Named and I have been beating the pandemic blues by taking our two mutts walking every day in Assiniboine Park, which is conveniently located across the street from our house.

After barking at every squirrel, the dogs will eventually drag us down a lovely tree-lined walkway in the southeast corner of the park, near the future site of Canada’s Diversity Gardens. Along either side of that path are the bronze busts of 46 exceptional Winnipeggers, men and women immortalized in the Citizens Hall of Fame.

The Hall of Fame was launched in 1986 by the Winnipeg Real Estate Board — now the Winnipeg Realtors Association — to honour individuals “who have contributed to Winnipeg’s quality of life with exceptional achievements in leadership and community service.” The first inductee was Steven Juba, the city’s longest-serving mayor.

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Saturday, Nov. 7, 2020

A red, white and blue ribbon, at the end of which was a Manitoba Sports Hall of Fame commemorative medallion, hangs from Terry Fox's bronze bust.

Vicious sword attacks are far from uncommon in the 21st century

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Preview

Vicious sword attacks are far from uncommon in the 21st century

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Saturday, Nov. 7, 2020

It was a horrifying attack that sent shock waves across the country.

On Halloween night, a 24-year-old suspect dressed in “medieval garb” and wielding a Japanese-style samurai sword randomly attacked seven people, killing two, in the heart of Quebec City’s historic district.

“Quebec is waking up after a night of horror. Words fail me to describe such a tragedy. I offer my condolences to the loved ones of the victims,” Quebec Premier François Legault wrote Sunday morning on Twitter.

The suspect, identified as Carl Girouard, was charged with two counts of first-degree murder and five counts of attempted murder in the sword attacks, which plunged the province into mourning and made grisly headlines around the world.

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Saturday, Nov. 7, 2020

Jacques Boissinot / The Canadian Press
Police cars block Saint-Louis Street near Chateau Frontenac in Quebec City early last Sunday morning, after a man in “medieval garb” wielding a sword killed two people and injured five others in a random attack.

You win some, you lose some, am I right?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

You win some, you lose some, am I right?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2020

Call me a hip and happening modern newspaper columnist if you must, but the truth is I am not a big believer in traditions.

I personally do not have time for traditions, because I am too busy doing the same things year after year after year.

For example, once every four years I do exactly the same thing on this date — I sit down, stuff my face with leftover Halloween candy, and then write an in-depth analysis of the U.S. election.

In analyzing the results of last night’s thrilling U.S. election, we media pundits are forced to ask ourselves an extremely challenging question, namely: What exactly are the results of last night’s thrilling U.S. election?

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Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2020

Call me a hip and happening modern newspaper columnist if you must, but the truth is I am not a big believer in traditions.

I personally do not have time for traditions, because I am too busy doing the same things year after year after year.

For example, once every four years I do exactly the same thing on this date — I sit down, stuff my face with leftover Halloween candy, and then write an in-depth analysis of the U.S. election.

In analyzing the results of last night’s thrilling U.S. election, we media pundits are forced to ask ourselves an extremely challenging question, namely: What exactly are the results of last night’s thrilling U.S. election?

Indigenous lawyer on mission to combat systemic racism in justice system

Doug Speirs  13 minute read Preview

Indigenous lawyer on mission to combat systemic racism in justice system

Doug Speirs  13 minute read Tuesday, Nov. 3, 2020

It was a life-changing moment for a Winnipeg child who grew up to become the first Indigenous president in the history of the Canadian Bar Association.

It was the fall of 1968 and and Brad Regehr was a six-month-old Cree infant when he was adopted in what is now commonly known as the ‘60s Scoop, the large-scale removal of Indigenous children from their birth communities and subsequent adoption into predominantly non-Indigenous families.

Over a casual lunch of burgers a week before Code Red pandemic restrictions kicked in, Regehr smiles as he recounts a singular moment that took place on the day 52 years ago when his Mennonite adoptive parents, Rudy and Anne, welcomed him into their family in Winnipeg’s west Fort Garry neighbourhood.

“My mom and dad were sitting there meeting with a social worker to finalize the adoption,” says Regehr, who on Sept. 1 made history as the first Indigenous person to lead the largest professional association for lawyers in Canada.

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Tuesday, Nov. 3, 2020

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Brad Regehr is the first Indigenous president of the Canadian Bar Association.

2020 is depressing enough without jolt to biorhythm

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

2020 is depressing enough without jolt to biorhythm

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Nov. 2, 2020

I think we can all agree — regardless of political affiliation, regardless of which NHL team we cheer for, regardless of whether we replace the toilet-paper roll paper-under or paper-over — that tomorrow is a pretty important day.

As most of you already know, tomorrow, Tuesday, Nov. 3, is (pause for dramatic effect) International Sandwich Day, the day on which we celebrate the birth of John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich, the first man to slap delicious items between two slices of bread and then stuff it into his mouth.

“In 1762, the earl, who was fond of gambling, asked his cook to prepare him a meal that wouldn’t require cutlery nor interfere with his 24-hour long gambling streak. The cook gave him sliced meat between two pieces of toast, which allowed the earl to have one hand free to continue his game,” gushes the website nationaltoday.com.

According to a national survey in 2013, Canadians eat approximately 3.6 billion sandwiches every year, which is definitely food for thought, but unfortunately that has nothing to do with today’s topic, which is the fact that tomorrow also happens to be Election Day in the U.S.

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Monday, Nov. 2, 2020

The Associated Press
Dan LaMoore adjusts the hands on a Seth Thomas Post Clock at Electric Time Company in Medfield, Mass. Daylight Saving Time ended at 2 a.m. Sunday.

Ghosts and goblins and COVID, oh my!

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Ghosts and goblins and COVID, oh my!

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 31, 2020

It’s Halloween, and I think all of you candy-craving ghosts and goblins know exactly what that means, don’t you?

I am, of course, only kidding around in a light-hearted manner because the tragic reality is that none of us really knows what it means, despite the fact this is not the first time our home town has celebrated Halloween amid a pandemic.

But I’m guessing the vast majority of you, unless you happen to be vampires, weren’t around 102 years ago, in 1918, when the last great pandemic, the so-called “Spanish flu,” was making Halloween even scarier than normal.

Instead of COVID-19, the city was battling the H1N1 influenza A virus, which killed an estimated 20 million to 50 million victims worldwide, including about 55,000 across Canada and at least 1,200 in Winnipeg, which had a population of roughly 180,000 at the time.

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Saturday, Oct. 31, 2020

SUPPLIED
A wiener-dog jack-o-lantern in honour of dearly-departed dachshund Zoe is in the mix for pumpkin-carving competition supremacy.

Working like a dog for chance at gourd glory

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Working like a dog for chance at gourd glory

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2020

If I have learned anything in my 64 years on the planet, it is this — the moment you climb into the bathtub, either the phone will ring or someone will pound on your front door.

So I was not surprised Thursday morning when, seconds after immersing myself in hot water and leaning back to read the newspaper, the morning calm was shattered by the sound of someone knocking on the door.

What with being a highly trained professional newspaper columnist, I jumped out of the tub, climbed into my ratty blue bathrobe, staggered down the hallway, and bravely threw open the door.

There in front of me, wearing a mask and clutching a large tote bag, was Corey Quintaine, the affable marketing manager for Kildonan Place Shopping Centre.

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Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2020

SUPPLIED
A wiener-dog jack-o-lantern in honour of dearly-departed dachshund Zoe is in the mix for pumpkin-carving competition supremacy.

Getting by on grotesque exaggeration, amusing lies

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Getting by on grotesque exaggeration, amusing lies

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Oct. 19, 2020

What with being a big-shot newspaper columnist, I was feeling pretty full of myself last week when I was invited to appear in a video celebrating World Values Day.

The general idea was that, in the video, I would discuss in an intelligent manner one core value and why it is important to me in my exciting life as a crusading humour columnist.

After agreeing to take part, however, I began to have some deeper thoughts, such as the following: “Values? Yikes, I should really try to get some before appearing in this (bad word) video.”

So I made a cup of coffee, plopped down in the office chair in front of my home computer, and attempted to get my brain to compile a list of the values that are important to me.

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Monday, Oct. 19, 2020

What with being a big-shot newspaper columnist, I was feeling pretty full of myself last week when I was invited to appear in a video celebrating World Values Day.

The general idea was that, in the video, I would discuss in an intelligent manner one core value and why it is important to me in my exciting life as a crusading humour columnist.

After agreeing to take part, however, I began to have some deeper thoughts, such as the following: “Values? Yikes, I should really try to get some before appearing in this (bad word) video.”

So I made a cup of coffee, plopped down in the office chair in front of my home computer, and attempted to get my brain to compile a list of the values that are important to me.

The dentist was easy. The iPad, however…

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

The dentist was easy. The iPad, however…

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 17, 2020

As regular readers already know, I have a long and not so glorious history of being a major weenie when it comes to visiting the dentist at the best of times.

A standard appointment typically ends with me curled up on the floor like a huge boiled shrimp because I believe that will make it impossible for the dentist to poke my gums with pointy steel instruments that, in my mind, are roughly the size and shape of whaling harpoons.

Throw in a global pandemic and I am even more reluctant to sit in one of those high-tech reclining chairs while the dentist freezes my face, then jams a stretchy rubber dam, a series of metal clamps, and most of his fingers into my mouth while casually chatting about how everyone else in the world has to wear a face mask just like him.

Speaking of masks, I was wearing one earlier this week when I slunk into my dentist’s office for an appointment to have my teeth cleaned, which I now do on a regular basis because one of them disintegrated a few years ago after biting into a crunchy slice of pizza.

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Saturday, Oct. 17, 2020

ISTOCK
Will Doug, who is a weenie at the dentist, now turn into a quivering pile of goo at the sight of an iPad?

Finders keepers

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Preview

Finders keepers

Doug Speirs  10 minute read Saturday, Oct. 17, 2020

It took 15 years — and the threat of a curse — but a contrite Canadian woman made headlines around the world this week when she returned artifacts she swiped from the ancient city of Pompeii.

The woman, identified only as Nicole, sent a package containing two white mosaic tiles, two pieces of an amphora vase and a piece of ceramic wall to a travel agent in Pompeii in southern Italy.

According to news reports, the package included a letter in which she confessed to stealing the artifacts from the Archaeological Park of Pompeii in 2005 and asked for forgiveness. Pompeii was buried in volcanic ash after the eruption of the Mount Vesuvius in AD79.

Nicole said she was 21 at the time and wanted to have a piece of history “that no one could have,” but now, at age 36, she blamed the theft for her past 15 years of bad luck, including having breast cancer twice, resulting in a double mastectomy, and her family’s financial struggles.

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Saturday, Oct. 17, 2020

Alessandra Tarantino / Associated Press files
A Canadian woman made headlines around the world this week when she returned artifacts she swiped from the ancient city of Pompeii.

More than a dance craze: It’s a global sensation

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

More than a dance craze: It’s a global sensation

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Oct. 14, 2020

Somebody more famous than me once said you should dance like nobody is watching.

That’s easy for me to do because, when I dare to dance, I make (bad word) sure no one is watching, because I am to dancing what a hippopotamus is to pole vaulting.

Out of journalistic fairness, I will confess that I once danced with several hundred people watching — in 2010, at the Dancing with Celebrities fundraiser in support of the Society for Manitobans with Disabilities, I performed a painfully awkward version of the rumba.

But, with the exception of events meant to help worthy charities, I am not one for moving my feet in an organized manner — or at least I wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago.

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Wednesday, Oct. 14, 2020

Nardus Engelbrecht / The Associated Press
People dance to Jerusalema in Cape Town, South Africa. South Africans of all walks of life are dancing to the rousing anthem to lift their spirits amid the battle against COVID-19.

Hang on a sec… just getting my ducks in a row

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Hang on a sec… just getting my ducks in a row

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Tuesday, Oct. 13, 2020

Even hardened newspaper professionals like myself can be enticed by an alluring, provocative headline to read news stories we might otherwise ignore.

Which explains why I was unable to resist reading a gripping New York Post report last week because it appeared under the following gripping headline: “Mailman attacked by sex-crazed duck.”

I do not know about you, but when I see the words “sex-crazed duck” I feel a journalistic obligation to get to the bottom of the story. And we will do that in a minute, but first I need to confess that I have become mildly obsessed with ducks.

This duck-related obsession began earlier in the year, before the pandemic arrived, when I felt compelled to stop fretting about the global menace posed by rogue squirrels and focus my attention squarely on a burgeoning criminal conspiracy involving these feathery fiends.

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Tuesday, Oct. 13, 2020

Courtesy Derek Johnson
Ben Afquack is the duck with the most followers on Instagram.

Talking turkey, with a hint of pumpkin pie

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Talking turkey, with a hint of pumpkin pie

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Oct. 10, 2020

There are only two sleeps left until Thanksgiving, Manitoba, and I think you know exactly what that means, don’t you?

OK, I’m hoping you know what it means, because this year, what with the global COVID-19 pandemic you’ve probably been hearing about on the news, I’m not entirely sure that I know.

What I think it means is that it’s an excellent time for Uncle Doug to share a few thoughts on how this year’s scaled-down, socially-distanced Thanksgiving might be even more joyful than in previous years, wherein I have overeaten to the point where I am forced to lie horizontal on the floor with my pants unbuckled, moaning like a wounded woodland creature.

For starters, I am totally onside with the recommendation from public health officials that we have far fewer people around our dinner tables this thanksgiving, or possibly gather in our backyards, or even stuff our faces while looking at friends and family on our computer screens via a videoconferencing platform.

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Saturday, Oct. 10, 2020

Doug's favourite holiday dish, pumpkin pie.

History in the making

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

History in the making

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Oct. 10, 2020

Fifty years ago this month, Canada was plunged into one of the most turbulent periods in the nation’s history.

The infamous “October Crisis” was a time when a militant independence movement led by the Front de Libération du Quebec terrorized Quebec, and the War Measures Act was invoked for the first time during peacetime.

On Oct. 5, 1970, FLQ members kidnapped British diplomat James Cross at his Montreal home and demanded the release of detained or incarcerated FLQ members, and the broadcast of the group’s manifesto on the CBC.

Five days later, Quebec’s deputy premier, Pierre Laporte, was also kidnapped. His body was found a week later, on Oct. 17, in the trunk of a car near Saint-Hubert Airport, outside Montreal.

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Saturday, Oct. 10, 2020

The Canadian Press files

James Cross was kidnapped on Oct. 5, 1970 and held for 60 days by the Front de libération du Quebec.

New CMHR boss optimistic about putting museum on new course

Doug Speirs  13 minute read Preview

New CMHR boss optimistic about putting museum on new course

Doug Speirs  13 minute read Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020

As a child growing up in Winnipeg’s Tuxedo neighbourhood, Isha (pronounced “Eye-sha”) Khan didn’t dream about becoming a human rights champion.

No, her dreams were more along the lines of becoming the next Barbara Frum, the pioneering Canadian broadcaster.

“I wanted to be a broadcaster. I wanted to be on TV. I wanted to be like Barbara Frum or something back then,” Khan, 47, recalled with a laugh earlier this week over a lunch of the turkey-pot-pie special in Smith Restaurant at The Forks.

“Then my dad said you have to go to journalism school. I remember him saying you can’t just be the face and be reading the news. You need to go to school and learn. I looked at journalism, but decided to go into law. I thought law would be a stepping stone to do something else; I never thought I’d actually practice.”

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Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / FREE PRESS FILES
On Aug. 17 Isha Khan began a five-year term as the new president and CEO of the Canadian Museum for Human Rights.

The naked truth: Manitobans are very reckless drivers

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

The naked truth: Manitobans are very reckless drivers

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020

It’s official, Manitoba — you are really lousy drivers.

Sorry, to be precise, what I actually meant to say is that you are really reckless drivers.

As regular readers already know, I have written a number of columns complaining about how Manitoba drivers enjoy texting behind the wheel, or applying makeup, or using an electric razor, as opposed to focusing on more mundane activities, such as (Why not?) using the steering wheel to avoid crashing into large objects.

The good news is you no longer have to accept my negative opinion of your driving habits, because scientific experts have weighed in on the issue.

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Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020

It’s official, Manitoba — you are really lousy drivers.

Sorry, to be precise, what I actually meant to say is that you are really reckless drivers.

As regular readers already know, I have written a number of columns complaining about how Manitoba drivers enjoy texting behind the wheel, or applying makeup, or using an electric razor, as opposed to focusing on more mundane activities, such as (Why not?) using the steering wheel to avoid crashing into large objects.

The good news is you no longer have to accept my negative opinion of your driving habits, because scientific experts have weighed in on the issue.

Sinister squirrel waging war from above

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Sinister squirrel waging war from above

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Oct. 5, 2020

Call me biased, but it doesn’t seem like a fair fight from my point of view.

This is because I am forced to remain trapped on the ground, whereas my enemy is safely ensconced in the branches atop a towering evergreen tree in our back yard.

The very best I can do is fling futile curses into the sky, whereas my enemy is able to bombard me from on high with a never-ending supply of one of nature’s cruelest weapons.

There I was the other morning, shortly after climbing out of bed, standing in the back yard next to a very tall tree, sipping the first coffee of the day and clad only in a fuzzy blue bathrobe and flip-flops, when, suddenly and without warning… “Bonk!”

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Monday, Oct. 5, 2020

Matt Goerzen / Brandon Sun files
Doug spotted a small reddish-brown blur high in the tree.

Cars, diaries and priceless art eventually find their way home

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Cars, diaries and priceless art eventually find their way home

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Oct. 3, 2020

It’s not unusual for lost items to eventually be found — but typically they don’t resurface 8,368 kilometres away.

But that’s what happened to a man who lost his beloved surfboard while riding the big swells off Hawaii. It was discovered six months later in the Philippines.

According to recent news reports, Doug Falter, a photographer and surfer who lives in Hawaii, lost his custom-made board in February 2018.

“I was really upset as I managed to catch the biggest waves of my life on this board,” Falter wrote on his Facebook page. “That’s why it meant so much to me.”

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Saturday, Oct. 3, 2020

Thibault Camus / The Associated Press
The Leonardo da Vinci’s painting Mona Lisa is on display, at the Louvre museum, in Paris. The famous painting was stolen more than 100 years ago by a handyman at the museum. It was returned two years later.

Enterprising commode to become loo with view

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Enterprising commode to become loo with view

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 30, 2020

What with being a major nerd, I have always been mildly obsessed with the notion of space travel.

When I was a kid, I used to zip around my backyard with a plastic helmet slapped over my head and a makeshift jetpack — two paper-towel rolls wrapped in tin foil — stuck to my back with duct tape.

Instead of sports stars and costumed crimefighters, one of my big heroes was Capt. James T. Kirk, as portrayed by Canadian actor William Shatner, who taught me it was possible to be both pudgy AND the captain of a starship.

I rarely yell, “Beam me up, Scotty!” these days, but my youthful passion for space travel was renewed this week when I read thrilling news reports about NASA’s plans to launch a private cargo spacecraft Thursday evening to carry tons of fresh supplies to the International Space Station.

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Wednesday, Sep. 30, 2020

Aubrey Gemignani / NASA
NASA plans to launch a private cargo spacecraft Thursday evening to carry fresh supplies to the International Space Station.

C’mon, hosers, crack a cold one

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

C’mon, hosers, crack a cold one

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Sep. 28, 2020

Just as Prime Minister Justin Trudeau did last week, today I need to address a burgeoning national crisis.

For the record, I am not talking about the global COVID-19 pandemic. No, I am referring to an even more shocking situation — Canada’s rapidly declining beer consumption.

Q: Is that shocking, or what?

A: Yes, it is, because we, as Canadians, live in a nation that is built on two important patriotic pillars: We watch a lot of hockey and we drink a lot of beer!

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Monday, Sep. 28, 2020

Just as Prime Minister Justin Trudeau did last week, today I need to address a burgeoning national crisis.

For the record, I am not talking about the global COVID-19 pandemic. No, I am referring to an even more shocking situation — Canada’s rapidly declining beer consumption.

Q: Is that shocking, or what?

A: Yes, it is, because we, as Canadians, live in a nation that is built on two important patriotic pillars: We watch a lot of hockey and we drink a lot of beer!

What are you toxin about?

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Preview

What are you toxin about?

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Saturday, Sep. 26, 2020

It’s becoming the toxin of choice for would-be assassins and domestic terrorists.

That’s because the process of producing the deadly poison ricin is frighteningly simple — the key ingredient, the humble castor bean, is easy to find, crude instructions for extracting the poison can be found online and it doesn’t require a chemistry degree or sophisticated lab equipment.

The toxin made headlines around the world last week when a Canadian woman, Pascale Cecile Veronique Ferrier, 53, who lives in Quebec, was charged with threatening U.S. President Donald Trump by mailing a letter laced with a powdered form of ricin to the White House.

Ferrier, who is originally from France but became a Canadian citizen in 2015, was carrying a knife and a loaded gun when she was arrested last weekend at the Peace Bridge border crossing between Fort Erie, Ont., and New York State.

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Saturday, Sep. 26, 2020

Valentina Petrova / The Associated Press files
The statue of Bulgarian dissident Georgi Markov was unveiled in central Sofia nearly four decades after he was assassinated.

Traffic reporting guru charts day-trip detours to avoid boredom

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Traffic reporting guru charts day-trip detours to avoid boredom

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Sep. 26, 2020

Brian Barkley is on the road again — but not in the way you might expect.

Barkley, who retired in 2015, became a Winnipeg broadcasting legend for the 25 years he spent as CJOB’s roving traffic reporter, using his instantly recognizable voice to help Winnipeggers navigate their way to and from work, often with his beloved dog Badger riding shotgun.

Today, with the global pandemic making travel elsewhere all but impossible, Barkley is back on the road — he and his wife of 47 years, Brendene, are exploring their home province, hopping in their van for weekly day trips to beat coronavirus boredom and check out some of the most scenic spots in Manitoba.

“Every weekend, every Saturday or Sunday, we go somewhere. Our longest has been a 14-hour day. That’s driving, walking, hiking, going to ice-cream shops and little museums,” Barkley, 69, said this week over a Salisbury House breakfast of blueberry waffles and hot chocolate.

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Saturday, Sep. 26, 2020

MIKE DEAL / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Traffic reporting icon Brian Barkley, right, and his wife Brendene Barkley have hit the road for 27 Manitoba road trips during the pandemic as they try to beat the coronavirus blues.

Year of woe proves never to be a boar

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Year of woe proves never to be a boar

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 23, 2020

What with being caught in the middle of a surging global pandemic, I thought it would be a good idea for me to find something else for everyone to worry about.

There’s no need to thank me — as a big-shot newspaper columnist, my job largely consists of rooting around online until I find something that will cause innocent readers to perspire heavily and rub their hands together in a nervous manner.

So there I was the other day, randomly Googling various words, when I stumbled on a batch of alarming news reports stating that the United States is scrambling to deal with what all the headlines described as, quote, “a ticking swine bomb.”

That is a pretty catchy phrase to slap in a headline, and it turns out to be true — there has been a population explosion among wild boars in the U.S. and millions of so-called “super pigs” are running rampant across much of the country.

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Wednesday, Sep. 23, 2020

Matthias Schrader / The Associated Press Files
Wild boars go for a stroll near Munich, Germany. Huge hogs are growing a problem the world over.

The gourd, the bad and the ugly of autumn

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

The gourd, the bad and the ugly of autumn

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Sep. 21, 2020

What with the global pandemic, violent protests against racial injustice, and raging wildfires on the West Coast, I suspect many of you are getting used to hearing really bad news in 2020.

So I’m thinking you won’t mind all that much if I plop two more terrible news items on your already-overcrowded plate this morning.

Let’s start with Terrible Thing No. 1 (and pardon me while I activate the caps-lock feature on my keyboard) — TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF SUMMER!

Take a look at your desktop calendar and you’ll see that, astronomically speaking, fall formally arrives in Winnipeg Tuesday, Sept. 22, at precisely 8:30 a.m., which is when the September (or autumnal) equinox rolls into town.

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Monday, Sep. 21, 2020

John Bazemore / The Associated Press
Pumpkin spice is popping up in products ranging from cookies and doughnuts to candy and air fresheners.

Yo ho ho, a pandemic pirate’s life for me

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Yo ho ho, a pandemic pirate’s life for me

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Sep. 19, 2020

Avast, ye scurvy bilge rats, prepare to buckle yer swashes and batten down yer hatches, because today be a very special day indeed.

What Cap’n Doug be trying to say is he’s happy as a drunken clam because this very day, Sept. 19, be none other than International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

If’n ye think Cap’n Doug be jokin’, he’d be happy to scupper ye with a boat hook because this be not the sort of fine day that a scurvy seadog jokes about, if ye catch me subtle nautical drift.

Sorry, I’ve been talking like this every Sept. 19 for the past 25 years because today is the day on which — and I think you’ve already figured this out — would-be buccaneers around the world celebrate by chattering away like rum-swillin’ pirates.

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Saturday, Sep. 19, 2020

Aaron Ives/Winnipeg Free Press
Cap’n Doug be happy to offer some tips for survival from the pandemic poop deck.

Canadian-mined 102-carat uber-diamond on the auction block

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Canadian-mined 102-carat uber-diamond on the auction block

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Sep. 19, 2020

Prepare to be dazzled by the brilliance of Canada’s newest rock star.

A rare 102-carat diamond discovered in Canada two years ago is making headlines around the world because it is expected to be among the most expensive of its kind when it goes under the auction hammer next month.

The flawless D-colour diamond, about the size of a small egg, was found at DeBeers’ now-closed Victor mine in northern Ontario in 2018 and is expected to fetch between US$12 million and US$30 million at auction.

According to news reports, the spectacular gem was cut from a larger 271-carat rough stone, and then cut and polished for more than a year. Sotheby’s auction house started the bidding for the stone online last Tuesday, and the process will finish off with an in-person auction in Hong Kong on Oct. 5.

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Saturday, Sep. 19, 2020

Alastair Grant / Associated Press files
The flawless D-colour diamond, about the size of a small egg, is expected to fetch between US$12 million and US$30 million at auction.

Lessons in good coverage just part of life as big-shot newspaper columnist

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Lessons in good coverage just part of life as big-shot newspaper columnist

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 16, 2020

I think we can all agree there are certain words that you never want to hear in the middle of a global pandemic.

I will share them with you today. They go something like this: “Wake up, honey, we have a sewer backup in the basement!”

Those life-altering words were uttered the other morning by my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, while I was hiding under the covers in our bedroom, trying to eke out a few more minutes of precious sleep before starting a day of professional journalism.

When I dragged myself out of bed, slipped on my robe and staggered downstairs, it turned out my wife was correct — the shower was awash in the sort of gunk we normally do not discuss in family newspapers.

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Wednesday, Sep. 16, 2020

Doug Speirs / Winnipeg Free Press
The One Condoms design contest seeks some more coverage.

Pandemic protocol puts lid on potential pillow talk

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Pandemic protocol puts lid on potential pillow talk

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Sep. 14, 2020

I probably shouldn’t share this with you, but I’m not all that interested in listening to advice on the risqué topic of human sexuality.

This is party because I am old enough to remember when William Shatner was the captain of the Starship Enterprise, but mostly because I work for a family newspaper wherein sexuality tends to be referred to as “canoodling.”

However, I was pretty intrigued earlier this month to hear what Canada’s chief public health officer, Dr. Theresa Tam, had to say about the hazards of engaging in serious “canoodling” amid a global pandemic.

“Like other activities during COVID-19 that involve physical closeness, there are some things you can do to minimize the risk of getting infected and spreading the virus,” Canada’s top doctor said in statement that made headlines around the world.

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Monday, Sep. 14, 2020

Adrian Wyld / The Canadian Press Files
Chief public health officer Theresa Tam recommends the use of a canoodling mask.

Reworked event hopes for cookie fundraising dough

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Reworked event hopes for cookie fundraising dough

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Sep. 12, 2020

A collection of breaking news briefs filed on September 17, 2020

• Watchdog to probe 2017 arrest in Brandon

• Police searching for murder suspect

• Eleven new cases of COVID-19 in Manitoba on Thursday

• Province to spend $1.5M on homeless shelter funding

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Saturday, Sep. 12, 2020

Supplied
Jessica Cable, communications and marketing co-ordinator for the Children’s Rehabilitation Foundation

Risks may not be readily apparent, but kite flying can prove deadly

Doug Speirs 10 minute read Preview

Risks may not be readily apparent, but kite flying can prove deadly

Doug Speirs 10 minute read Saturday, Sep. 12, 2020

It was the kind of bizarre mishap that makes headlines around the world.

At the end of last month, a three-year-old girl survived a terrifying ride after becoming entangled in the tail of a giant kite and being swept more than 30 metres into the air during a kite festival in Taiwan.

According to news reports, the girl was attending a kite festival with family in Nanliao, near Hsinchu City, when she became caught up in the kite’s strings and went airborne, as horrified onlookers screamed below.

In video clips, staff at the festival can be seen grappling to maintain control of the kite’s tail before it takes off in heavy gusts. Once the kite is in the sky, however, it becomes apparent the girl has been ensnared, and is being thrashed from side to side, the kite taking her higher and higher.

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Saturday, Sep. 12, 2020

Flying kites is a popular endeavour to mark India’s Independence Day, but there have been several tragedies connected to the practice. (Ajit Solanki / The Associated Press)

Dipping temperatures always source of cool comfort

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Dipping temperatures always source of cool comfort

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 9, 2020

It’s something I’ve been forced to deal with with ever since I became a big-shot newspaper columnist.

I will be standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, minding my own business, when someone will tap me on the shoulder and ask the following question: “Doug, do you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?”

I follow the same routine every time this happens. “No!” I will say defiantly, before bravely sprinting over to the cookie aisle where I can hide behind a family-sized package of double-stuffed Oreos.

What I’m saying is that if we newspaper columnists were the sort of people who got tired of being wrong all the time, then we would never have become crusading newspaper columnists in the first place.

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Wednesday, Sep. 9, 2020

DOUG SPEIRS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
If tomatoes get bedsheets, husbands should too.

See ya, summer, we’re on to the year’s sexiest season

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Preview

See ya, summer, we’re on to the year’s sexiest season

Doug Speirs  4 minute read Tuesday, Sep. 8, 2020

Put down this newspaper and stuff your fingers in your ears, kids, because there’s something I need to blurt out — SUMMER IS ALMOST OVER!

I apologize for not breaking this news to you more gently, but there is nothing we professional newspaper columnists enjoy more than A) being the bearers of bad tidings; and B) activating the caps-lock feature on our computer keyboards.

I have just looked at my official Free Press desktop calendar and there are (gasp!) only 15 more days until summer is officially replaced with fall.

According to the website timeanddate.com (Slogan: “If you want to have a good time, you should buy a good watch!”), fall formally arrives in Winnipeg on Tuesday, Sept. 22, at precisely 8:30 a.m., which is when, astronomically speaking, the September (or autumnal) equinox rolls into town.

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Tuesday, Sep. 8, 2020

Put down this newspaper and stuff your fingers in your ears, kids, because there’s something I need to blurt out — SUMMER IS ALMOST OVER!

I apologize for not breaking this news to you more gently, but there is nothing we professional newspaper columnists enjoy more than A) being the bearers of bad tidings; and B) activating the caps-lock feature on our computer keyboards.

I have just looked at my official Free Press desktop calendar and there are (gasp!) only 15 more days until summer is officially replaced with fall.

According to the website timeanddate.com (Slogan: “If you want to have a good time, you should buy a good watch!”), fall formally arrives in Winnipeg on Tuesday, Sept. 22, at precisely 8:30 a.m., which is when, astronomically speaking, the September (or autumnal) equinox rolls into town.

Ex-Bomber's widow hopes to raise awareness about concussions

Doug Speirs  9 minute read Preview

Ex-Bomber's widow hopes to raise awareness about concussions

Doug Speirs  9 minute read Tuesday, Sep. 8, 2020

For seven glorious seasons, Gene Lakusiak was a hard-hitting defensive back for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

A Western Division all-star in 1972-73 and the Bombers’ outstanding Canadian in ‘73, he had a well-earned reputation for hammering opposing receivers and running backs into the turf.

“He was super intense as an athlete,” his wife of 53 years, Lynn, recalled last week as she sat in the sun-dappled kitchen of her St. Vital home at a table laden with memorabilia from Gene’s football career.

“But he was very quiet, a man of few words. Rock solid. You could always count on Gene. He was tough. He was a hard hitter. That’s what he was known for.”

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Tuesday, Sep. 8, 2020

JESSE BOILY / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Lynn Lakusiak and children Corey (left) and Scott recall Gene Lakusiak’s career with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

Changing the game forever

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Changing the game forever

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Sep. 5, 2020

By any measure, John Thompson was a towering figure, an icon in the Black community and a giant in the world of collegiate sports.

At 6-10, with a trademark white towel slung over his shoulder, Thompson literally and figuratively towered over the Georgetown Hoyas for decades and in 1984 became the first Black coach to lead a team to the NCAA men’s basketball championship.

Thompson, who died last week at the age of 78, never shied away from speaking his mind, especially on the role of race in both sports and society. He once famously walked off the court before a game to protest an NCAA rule he felt hurt minority athletes.

In 1982, a reporter asked the Hall of Famer how he felt about being the first Black coach to take a team to the Final Four of the NCAA tournament. “I resent the hell out of that question if it implies I am the first Black coach competent enough to take a team to the Final Four,” he declared. “Other Blacks have been denied the right in this country; coaches who have the ability. I don’t take any pride in being the first Black coach in the Final Four. I find the question extremely offensive.”

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Saturday, Sep. 5, 2020

By any measure, John Thompson was a towering figure, an icon in the Black community and a giant in the world of collegiate sports.

At 6-10, with a trademark white towel slung over his shoulder, Thompson literally and figuratively towered over the Georgetown Hoyas for decades and in 1984 became the first Black coach to lead a team to the NCAA men’s basketball championship.

Thompson, who died last week at the age of 78, never shied away from speaking his mind, especially on the role of race in both sports and society. He once famously walked off the court before a game to protest an NCAA rule he felt hurt minority athletes.

In 1982, a reporter asked the Hall of Famer how he felt about being the first Black coach to take a team to the Final Four of the NCAA tournament. “I resent the hell out of that question if it implies I am the first Black coach competent enough to take a team to the Final Four,” he declared. “Other Blacks have been denied the right in this country; coaches who have the ability. I don’t take any pride in being the first Black coach in the Final Four. I find the question extremely offensive.”

Cheer up, there’s more to Canada than hockey

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Preview

Cheer up, there’s more to Canada than hockey

Doug Speirs   5 minute read Wednesday, Sep. 2, 2020

I hate to pile on the bad news, but we need to take a few moments today to talk about this depressing national losing streak.

Assuming the Vancouver Canucks lost last night in their do-or-die game against the favoured Vegas Golden Knights, it means there are no more teams from north of the 49th parallel in the hunt for the Stanley Cup.

I’m writing these words well before game time, but it would be safe to say the Canucks chances of winning the series were slim to none — and slim just left town.

So, barring another miracle on ice, this means Canada’s Stanley Cup drought has stretched to a mind-boggling 27 years. That’s just two years less than the Grey Cup drought our Blue Bombers snapped last year.

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Wednesday, Sep. 2, 2020

Stacy Zarin Goldberg / The Washington Post
Despite Canada's continued drought of Stanley Cup championships, this country still has plenty to be proud of says columnist Doug Speirs, not the least of which is being first to put pineapple on a pizza.

‘Outstanding local personality’ helps charities own the podium

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

‘Outstanding local personality’ helps charities own the podium

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Monday, Aug. 31, 2020

What with being an official OLP — “Outstanding Local Personality” — there are few things I take more seriously than attending events to support local charities.

This is partly because I feel a moral obligation to do my part to support organizations making our city a better place in which to live, and also because, as a newspaper columnist, it is impossible for me to turn down a free lunch.

It was probably that second thing that led me, earlier this month, at the outset of my two-week vacation, to represent this newspaper in the second annual Joe Aiello Bocce Ball Tournament in support of the Grace Hospital Foundation.

I felt compelled to take part because Joe, a familiar voice on Winnipeg rock radio for decades, is a great guy, and the funds raised were going toward the redevelopment of the hospital’s Diagnostic Imaging Department and to purchase a much-needed echocardiogram machine.

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Monday, Aug. 31, 2020

What with being an official OLP — “Outstanding Local Personality” — there are few things I take more seriously than attending events to support local charities.

This is partly because I feel a moral obligation to do my part to support organizations making our city a better place in which to live, and also because, as a newspaper columnist, it is impossible for me to turn down a free lunch.

It was probably that second thing that led me, earlier this month, at the outset of my two-week vacation, to represent this newspaper in the second annual Joe Aiello Bocce Ball Tournament in support of the Grace Hospital Foundation.

I felt compelled to take part because Joe, a familiar voice on Winnipeg rock radio for decades, is a great guy, and the funds raised were going toward the redevelopment of the hospital’s Diagnostic Imaging Department and to purchase a much-needed echocardiogram machine.

Roadside attractions no match for miniature motel loo to rue

Doug Speirs 4 minute read Preview

Roadside attractions no match for miniature motel loo to rue

Doug Speirs 4 minute read Saturday, Aug. 29, 2020

I have seen some mighty impressive roadside art during my travels as a big-shot newspaper columnist.

For instance, I have looked on in awe at “Sunny,” the world’s largest free-standing banana, a 10-metre tall, 2,800-kilogram yellow behemoth that towers over the town of Melita.

The big banana stands out for me because I believe it has huge appeal.

I have also stood ogling in disbelief at the world’s largest painting on an easel, a seven-by-10-metre reproduction of one of Vincent van Gogh’s sunflower masterpieces which weighs 3,600 kilograms and sits on a nearly 5,000-kilogram, 23-metre-high easel, and soars above the skyline in Altona.

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Saturday, Aug. 29, 2020

I have seen some mighty impressive roadside art during my travels as a big-shot newspaper columnist.

For instance, I have looked on in awe at “Sunny,” the world’s largest free-standing banana, a 10-metre tall, 2,800-kilogram yellow behemoth that towers over the town of Melita.

The big banana stands out for me because I believe it has huge appeal.

I have also stood ogling in disbelief at the world’s largest painting on an easel, a seven-by-10-metre reproduction of one of Vincent van Gogh’s sunflower masterpieces which weighs 3,600 kilograms and sits on a nearly 5,000-kilogram, 23-metre-high easel, and soars above the skyline in Altona.

Rumours of these celebrity passings were greatly exaggerated

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Rumours of these celebrity passings were greatly exaggerated

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Aug. 29, 2020

Fans of NBC’s iconic TV series The Office can rest in peace — reports of Creed Bratton’s death were much exaggerated.

Earlier this month, fans were shocked when an online report stated Bratton, best known for playing a fictionalized version of himself, the quality assurance manager at Dunder Mifflin Paper, had died.

Fortunately, the popular actor, also a former member of the famed 1960s folk-rock band The Grass Roots, was just the latest victim of a celebrity death hoax, which pop up online like mushrooms after a spring rain.

“Rumours of the actor’s alleged demise gained traction on Sunday after a ‘R.I.P. Creed Bratton’ Facebook page attracted nearly one million ‘likes’. Those who read the ‘About’ page were given a believable account of the American actor’s passing,” according to mediamass.net.

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Saturday, Aug. 29, 2020

John Phillips / Getty Images files
Cher

You won’t finish that sandwich anyway, right?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

You won’t finish that sandwich anyway, right?

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Aug. 26, 2020

I spend a great deal of my free time trying to persuade friends and random strangers that their lives are empty and meaningless because they do not currently own dogs.

Call me a heroic newspaper columnist with fierce blue eyes and naturally curly hair if you must, but I am determined that everyone in this country of ours should bask in the unfettered joys of canine ownership.

It would be impossible to list all of the ways dogs have made my life better but in an effort to write enough words to qualify for a paycheque, I will give it a go. In my house, our two dogs are responsible for the following vital duties:

1. Parking themselves in front of the living room window and barking non-stop at anything they believe poses a clear and imminent threat, including passersby, mail carriers, Christmas carollers, leaves, pine cones and empty plastic bags

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Wednesday, Aug. 26, 2020

Doug Speirs / Winnipeg Free Press
Doug’s dog Juno eats her weight in fresh garden tomatoes.

Ahead by a century

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Ahead by a century

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Monday, Aug. 10, 2020

One hundred years ago — brace yourselves for a major shock — the world was a remarkably different place.

But there were also haunting echoes of today, because in 1920 the world finally pulled itself out of the last great pandemic, the so-called “Spanish flu,” a virus that appeared during the First World War and infected about one-third of the planet’s population.

The pandemic, caused by the H1N1 influenza A virus, killed an estimated 20 million to 50 million victims worldwide, including about 55,000 across Canada and at least 1,200 in Winnipeg, which had a population of roughly 180,000 at the time.

I have been thinking a lot about 1920 lately — and I’ll explain why in a minute, but first I’d like to share a few highlights of what clearly was one of the most eventful years of the 20th century.

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Monday, Aug. 10, 2020

Manitoba Sports Hall of Fame & Museum Inc.
The 1920 Winnipeg Falcons hockey team at the Olympics in Antwerp, Belgium, where they captured the gold medal at the first-ever Olympic hockey championship.

Facing the facts about fictions: Challenging conspiracy theories from Area 51 to 9/11

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Preview

Facing the facts about fictions: Challenging conspiracy theories from Area 51 to 9/11

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Saturday, Aug. 8, 2020

A collection of breaking news briefs filed on August 13, 2020

• Environment Canada receives reports of tornado near Alexander, Man.

• Siraj Café fined more than $10K for breaching public health orders

• Tyson Shtykalo appointed province's new auditor general

• Woman assaulted near Higgins and Main

• Manitoba identifies 25 new cases of COVID-19 Thursday

• Province “strongly” recommends older students wear masks in schools

• Winnipeg Comedy Festival moves forward in phases

• Teen girl sexually assaulted in Dufferin area; police searching for suspect

• Human remains found outside Roseau River First Nation

• No injuries in two overnight fires

• Province to give update on back-to-school plan

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Saturday, Aug. 8, 2020

NASA
An Apollo 17 lunar module pilot uses a sampling scoop to retrieve lunar samples. The conspiracy theory that the moon landings were faked is easily debunked, but it continues to persist with hardcore doubters.

Nature’s ‘Velcro’ another reason to stay indoors

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Nature’s ‘Velcro’ another reason to stay indoors

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Aug. 8, 2020

I have never had what could be called a healthy relationship with nature.

For instance, the main reason I hate camping is because it takes place outdoors, which is where nature, in the form of mosquitoes and bears and other creepy things that want to drain your blood, makes its home.

I realize I may receive hundreds of angry letters from outdoors enthusiasts on their “I (heart) camping” stationery, but I do not believe camping is for everyone, especially sane people.

The point I am trying to make is that my already-bad relationship with nature took a sudden downturn this week. I am a reasonable person and I am willing to put up with nature, provided it remains in my backyard and does not attempt to enter my home.

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Saturday, Aug. 8, 2020

(Supplied photo)
Juno patiently submits as the last few burrs are removed from her fur.

Popular songs out of touch with pandemic

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Popular songs out of touch with pandemic

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Wednesday, Aug. 5, 2020

When I heard Neil Diamond’s classic sing-a-long song Sweet Caroline had been banned in an Irish pub in Spain during the pandemic, I assumed I knew the reason why.

What I assumed was the owners of Murphy’s Irish Bar in Corralejo, Spain, were worried about the hazardous manner in which karaoke enthusiasts such as myself and my friends belt out this iconic tune whenever we get together.

As far as audience-participation songs go, there is arguably no other tune — with the possible exceptions of O Canada and The Star-Spangled Banner — that can get an entire bar or sports stadium singing along quite as aggressively (or as loudly) as Neil Diamond’s 1969 global smash.

The problem, I initially assumed, was the overtly physical way in which we loudmouth sports fans and karaoke buffs insist on shrieking this tune en masse with leather-lunged intensity.

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Wednesday, Aug. 5, 2020

Charles Sykes / Invision / AP Files
Neil Diamond’s sing-a-long favourite Sweet Caroline is a little touchy for cornavirus pandemic distancing and has been banned by a bar in Spain.

Sports aren’t most important thing now

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Sports aren’t most important thing now

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Tuesday, Aug. 4, 2020

I have a confession to make — I didn’t stay up late Wednesday night to watch the Jets down the Vancouver Canucks 4-1 in an exhibition game that marked their first action since the NHL went dark in mid-March.

I also did not park myself in front of the big-screen TV in my den on Saturday to look on as the Jets faced off with the Calgary Flames in the first game of a best-of-five series for the right to compete in the 16-team Stanley Cup playoffs that will apparently run into October.

OK, technically, I am writing these words on Friday morning, the day before the game, but the central point I am trying to make is that I don’t plan on watching.

Before you grab pitchforks, fire up your torches and send me angry letters on your “I (heart) the Jets” stationery, allow me to explain.

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Tuesday, Aug. 4, 2020

I have a confession to make — I didn’t stay up late Wednesday night to watch the Jets down the Vancouver Canucks 4-1 in an exhibition game that marked their first action since the NHL went dark in mid-March.

I also did not park myself in front of the big-screen TV in my den on Saturday to look on as the Jets faced off with the Calgary Flames in the first game of a best-of-five series for the right to compete in the 16-team Stanley Cup playoffs that will apparently run into October.

OK, technically, I am writing these words on Friday morning, the day before the game, but the central point I am trying to make is that I don’t plan on watching.

Before you grab pitchforks, fire up your torches and send me angry letters on your “I (heart) the Jets” stationery, allow me to explain.

Avoid BBQ futility with a little half-baked advice

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Avoid BBQ futility with a little half-baked advice

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Aug. 1, 2020

What with the pandemic, propane barbecues are flying off store shelves, which is amazing because those things are extremely heavy.

It seems coronavirus restrictions on restaurants and stay-at-home orders led many can-do homeowners to rediscover the primal joy of cooking food in the backyard over an open flame.

Which makes this the perfect time for me, a 320-pound newspaper columnist who considers himself Canada’s Greatest Amateur Grill Enthusiast, to weigh in with a few important safety tips for the home grill master.

BBQ Safety Tip No. 1 — Whenever possible, try to avoid burning down your home while preheating your propane barbecue.

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Saturday, Aug. 1, 2020

Daniel Crump / Free Press files
Always clean your grill; swap your “Kiss the Cook” apron for a flame-resistant Hazmat suit; and never, ever invite Doug to a barbecue.

Comet contenders

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Preview

Comet contenders

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Saturday, Aug. 1, 2020

It’s been a spectacular show, but the curtain is about to drop.

Astronomers say the newly discovered comet Neowise — the brightest comet to appear in Northern Hemisphere skies in nearly a quarter of a century — is poised to end its run as an object that can be seen with the naked eye.

It didn’t attain the status of a so-called “great comet” (exceptionally brilliant comets with bright, long tails), but it has been thrilling skywatchers and generating headlines around the globe.

It was first spotted on March 27 by NASA’s Near-Earth Object Wide-field Infrared Survey Explorer (NEOWISE) mission. According to NASA, the comet’s nucleus is about 4.8 kilometres across and composed of dust, rock and frozen gases left over from the birth of our solar system around 4.6 billion years ago.

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Saturday, Aug. 1, 2020

The Neowise Comet is seen under the Elkhorn Lift in Beaver Creek, Colo. The comet will fade away this weekend, not to make a return for close to 7,000 years. (Chris Dillmann / Vail Daily)

Follow pro sports’ pandemic plans and wing it

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Follow pro sports’ pandemic plans and wing it

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Wednesday, Jul. 29, 2020

It was 56 years ago that the world became a better and more delicious place for couch potatoes and sports fans such as myself.

It was March 4, 1964, when Dominic Bellissimo and some of his college buddies showed up at his parents’ restaurant, the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, N.Y.

Not surprisingly, the young men were ravenous, so Dominic famously begged his mom, Teressa Bellissimo, to whip them up a late-night snack from whatever was lying around in the kitchen.

Which is when his mom, who owned the bar with her husband Frank, hit on the genius idea of taking some chicken wings — a cheap cut normally thrown away or reserved for stock — and deep-frying them before tossing them in a special, spicy sauce.

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Wednesday, Jul. 29, 2020

ANDREW HARRER / BLOOMBERG NEWS files
Chicken wings are removed from the fryer at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, N.Y., the birthplace of the spicy snack.

Welcome to Robocuts, foolish human

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Welcome to Robocuts, foolish human

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jul. 27, 2020

I hate to spark widespread panic, but it appears I could not have been more correct.

I am referring, of course, to the insightful columns I have written in recent years warning of the inevitable Robot Revolution, wherein all of our state-of-the-art smart appliances develop supreme artificial intelligence and morph into cruel robotic overlords that will enslave mankind for generations.

I first began to suspect robots were poised to seize power several years ago when everyone started buying the Roomba, those little flying saucer-shaped vacuum cleaners that bump around and clean your carpets while you, the unsuspecting human, lie on the couch and eat Häagen-Dazs directly from the container.

This fear worsened when my editor handed me a glossy flyer promoting the Husqvarna Automower, a robotic lawnmower that automatically cuts your grass while you, a slothful human, sit in a lawn chair and shout for your significant other to fetch cold beer and greasy snacks.

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Monday, Jul. 27, 2020

YouTube
Any last words, pal? Wighton’s robot flunked barber school.

Welcome to the great Canadian rubber match

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Welcome to the great Canadian rubber match

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 25, 2020

I have just been made aware of a huge opportunity for Manitobans to make it big.

I became aware of this growing opportunity earlier this week when I received a stirring news release from a company called One, which bills itself as “a leader in premium-branded condoms and lubricants in North America.

The news release called on all Canadians to (cough) rise to the challenge and enter a nationwide contest by submitting designs for Canadian-themed condom wrappers “that celebrate what it means to live and love in Canada.”

For the record, One is referring to its condom-design contest as a “comeback” because they did the same thing in 2017 to celebrate Canada’s 150 anniversary.

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Saturday, Jul. 25, 2020

SUPPLIED
Some condom-wrapper creativity like this will be needed to win One’s latest design contest.

Some of world's biggest icons swapped given monikers for chosen ones

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Some of world's biggest icons swapped given monikers for chosen ones

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Jul. 25, 2020

Names have been big news lately, especially among North American sports teams with controversial branding.

A tidal wave of global protests against racial injustice unleashed by the police killing of George Floyd, a Black man, in May has intensified pressure on teams to abandon Indigenous names, mascots and logos.

In Canada, Edmonton’s Canadian Football League franchise announced Tuesday it would retire the Eskimos nickname, long derided as a derogatory and colonial-era term for Inuit.

Edmonton vowed to begin a “comprehensive engagement process” on a new name. Until then, it will be called EE Football Team and Edmonton Football Team.

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Saturday, Jul. 25, 2020

Legendary escape artist Harry Houdini

Life on the links remains rough for woeful Duffer Doug

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

Life on the links remains rough for woeful Duffer Doug

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Wednesday, Jul. 22, 2020

I have a confession to make: Before the COVID-19 pandemic arrived in Manitoba, I was a truly terrible golfer.

Today, what with courses reopened and coronavirus restrictions being relaxed, it turns out I have become much worse.

I would like to blame the stress of the pandemic for the deterioration of my weak golf skills, but I’m pretty sure no one — least of all my golfing buddies — would believe me.

When you think about it, it doesn’t make a lot of sense that I am as lousy at this game as I am. Typically, when you like an activity — and I do like golf — you develop a certain level of proficiency when you engage in that pastime.

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Wednesday, Jul. 22, 2020

Darron Cummings / The Associated Press files
For golfers, it is said that trees are a growing problem.

Of mice and (lazy) men

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Of mice and (lazy) men

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jul. 20, 2020

I have excellent news for couch potatoes who think bending over to pick the TV remote control off the floor is too physically demanding.

Prepare to become extremely excited, lazybones, because scientists have just determined blood from a mouse that exercises on a regular basis can perk up the sluggish brain of a “couch potato” mouse.

Is that exciting news, or what?

Personally, I feel the most exciting aspect of that discovery is the fact that, apparently, some mice own couches.

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Monday, Jul. 20, 2020

McMaster University photo
Scientists have discovered a way to make couch-potato mice more active.

Modern-day hit joins long list of grisly mob slayings

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

Modern-day hit joins long list of grisly mob slayings

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Saturday, Jul. 18, 2020

It’s the sort of grisly scene you only see in a Hollywood blockbuster — a reputed mob boss is gunned down in broad daylight.

But that’s what happened on July 10 when notorious Hamilton mobster Pasquale (Pat) Musitano, 52, was shot and killed outside a strip mall in Burlington, Ont., west of Toronto.

Investigators are searching for a male suspect who fled in a newer model grey four-door sedan “similar to an Infiniti Q50.” The vehicle will have “fresh damage” on the driver’s side near the doors, police said.

Experts weren’t surprised by the violent death of the scion of the Musitano crime family. He survived one shooting that peppered his home with bullet holes in 2017, and another, just over a year before his death, that sent him to hospital with multiple gunshot wounds. His brother Angelo was shot to death in 2017.

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Saturday, Jul. 18, 2020

Ron Pozzer / Hamilton Spectator / Canadian Press files
Pat Musitano (left) and Angelo Musitano leave the Provincial Court in Hamilton, Ont., in 1998.

Captain's Boil owner hopes help comes through for rare orange lobster

Doug Speirs 6 minute read Preview

Captain's Boil owner hopes help comes through for rare orange lobster

Doug Speirs 6 minute read Friday, Jul. 17, 2020

When you’re the owner of a seafood restaurant in Winnipeg, it’s pretty rare to get an urgent phone call telling you to race in to work as soon as possible.

But that’s what happened July 9 to Thomas Nguyen, the 34-year-old owner of the Captain’s Boil, a Cajun-style seafood restaurant that opened in December 2018 in a former Salisbury House at 2081 Pembina Hwy.

That was the day Nguyen’s staff picked up a regular biweekly shipment of 200 lobsters from Nova Scotia at the airport, ferried it back to the restaurant, cracked it open — and discovered something none of them had ever seen.

“They were opening the box and they saw this lobster and they said: ‘Why did they ship us a cooked lobster?’ They thought it was cooked and placed there by mistake,” Nguyen recalls, sipping coffee in his sun-dappled eatery, which reopened this month with social-distancing restrictions.

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Friday, Jul. 17, 2020

DOUG SPEIRS / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Peggy is a rare orange lobster that arrived in Winnipeg from a shipment from Nova Scotia last week.

Tossing hats in the ring, feet in their mouths

Doug Speirs 4 minute read Preview

Tossing hats in the ring, feet in their mouths

Doug Speirs 4 minute read Wednesday, Jul. 15, 2020

On the surface, these three guys don’t seem to have a whole lot in common.

For the record, we’re talking about incumbent U.S. President Donald Trump, presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden, and famously outlandish rapper/business mogul Kanye West.

When you dig a bit deeper, however, two striking similarities jump out. For starters, all three are running this year for the highest office in the United States, although in Kanye’s case you pretty much have to take his word for it.

Speaking of words, the second thing all three of these celebrities share is a unique gift for planting their feet squarely in their mouths, saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time, uttering quirky quotes that often have little basis in reality.

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Wednesday, Jul. 15, 2020

On the surface, these three guys don’t seem to have a whole lot in common.

For the record, we’re talking about incumbent U.S. President Donald Trump, presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden, and famously outlandish rapper/business mogul Kanye West.

When you dig a bit deeper, however, two striking similarities jump out. For starters, all three are running this year for the highest office in the United States, although in Kanye’s case you pretty much have to take his word for it.

Speaking of words, the second thing all three of these celebrities share is a unique gift for planting their feet squarely in their mouths, saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time, uttering quirky quotes that often have little basis in reality.

Pet rescue shelter owner tackles cancer the way she tackles everything: head on

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Preview

Pet rescue shelter owner tackles cancer the way she tackles everything: head on

Doug Speirs  7 minute read Monday, Jul. 13, 2020

For the last 31 years, Carla Martinelli-Irvine has been fighting to save the lives of unwanted cats and dogs.

Today, she’s fighting to save another life — her own.

Martinelli-Irvine, 59, founder and executive director of the Winnipeg Pet Rescue Shelter, was diagnosed with breast cancer at the beginning of the year, roughly a month before COVID-19 arrived in the province.

“Whatever happens is going to happen,” she says matter-of-factly. “I deal with everything head-on. I’m going to be fine. I know I am. I’m too stubborn. I’m a tough old chick.

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Monday, Jul. 13, 2020

Carla Martinelli-Irvine, founder and executive director of Winnipeg Pet Rescue Shelter, who recently finished radiation treatment for breast cancer, plays with her dogs, Chica and JoJo. (Jesse Boily / Winnipeg Free Press)

Life without smooches simply inconceivable

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Life without smooches simply inconceivable

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Saturday, Jul. 11, 2020

It seems we missed the boat, Winnipeg.

For the record, I’m talking about the kissing boat, because it turns out Monday was International Kissing Day, the day set aside for everyone to celebrate what one of my plainspoken grandmothers fondly described as “swapping spit.”

I was in the dark about this special day until I belatedly cracked open an email from Mariah Simank, a publicist with National Today, which proudly bills itself as the Internet’s No. 1 authority on holidays.

“Kissing is an age-old practice with significance that extends far beyond just romance,” her news release claimed.

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Saturday, Jul. 11, 2020

MGM/TNS
Cary Elwes and Robin Wright in The Princess Bride. Scene-stealing kisses are headed for the cutting room floor these days as social distancing puts lip-locks on lockdown.

These presidential candidates are on the fringe (of reality)

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Preview

These presidential candidates are on the fringe (of reality)

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Saturday, Jul. 11, 2020

Famously outlandish rapper Kanye West has called himself a lot of things over the years — Ye, Yeezy, Yeezus, the Lebron of Rhyme, Martin Louis the King, Jr., and Christian Genius Billionaire Kanye West, to name just a few.

But now it seems he has an even more impressive title in mind: Mr. President.

“We must now realize the promise of America by trusting God, unifying our vision and building our future,” West tweeted last weekend. “I am running for president of the United States! #2020VISION.”

The singer and business mogul announced he would like become the commander-in-chief, despite having missed deadlines in several states to get on the ballot. With the election only four months away, West still needs to register with the Federal Election Commission, present a campaign platform, collect enough signatures to get on the November ballot and more.

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Saturday, Jul. 11, 2020

Rapper Kanye West says his quest to be president is not a stunt. (Evan Vucci / The Associated Press files)

When it comes to our avian friends, I'm just a big weenie

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Preview

When it comes to our avian friends, I'm just a big weenie

Doug Speirs 5 minute read Wednesday, Jul. 8, 2020

My wife and I were parked in our den Saturday, trying to avoid the sweltering heat, when without warning, a shockingly loud noise shattered the afternoon calm.

It was clear that something had hammered into our picture window, so we crawled off the couch and ran into the living room to see what was what.

My wife was the first to peer out the still-shaking window. “Yikes!” she said. “That looks like an eagle or some other really big bird.”

There, parked on a branch about three metres in front of our window, staring at us with laser-like intensity, was a hawk roughly the size of a canned ham.

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Wednesday, Jul. 8, 2020

A fighter and a fundraiser

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Preview

A fighter and a fundraiser

Doug Speirs  11 minute read Monday, Jul. 6, 2020

On Aug. 24, 2015, the rug was pulled out from under Doug Harvey’s life.

The Winnipeg business mogul and philanthropist, president and CEO of DLH Group, was visiting the Maxim Truck and Trailer dealership that his company runs in Thunder Bay, Ont., when his phone rang.

“I’d had a biopsy because they thought something was amiss and they called me and I happened to answer in Thunder Bay and, of course, they don’t give you any information over the phone, so you sit there and go…,” Harvey recalls, his booming voice trailing off.

“I took the call from CancerCare (Manitoba), from the nurse telling me that ‘we have the results of your biopsy and you need to come in.’ Can you tell me about it? ‘No, we can’t talk about it, you have to come in.’ They’re not inviting you in to tell you everything is great.”

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Monday, Jul. 6, 2020

Doug Harvey has stepped down as chairman of the CancerCare Manitoba Foundation. (Mikaela MacKenzie / Winnipeg Free Press)

Don’t let the facts get in your way

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Don’t let the facts get in your way

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jul. 6, 2020

I am reminded almost every day of the world’s most famous inadvertent comedian, Baghdad Bob.

For all you young people, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, better known to western TV viewers as “Baghdad Bob,” was Saddam Hussein’s information minister during the 2003 U.S.-led invasion of Iraq.

He earned his nickname and became a pop-culture icon for his over-the-top, outlandish daily briefings wherein he would deny the presence of American troops when, in fact, they were only several hundred metres away from where he was speaking and the sounds of combat could be heard in the background of the broadcast.

“The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad,” he famously told reporters gathered on the roof of the ministry of information as tanks rumbled down streets behind him. “As our leader Saddam Hussein said, ‘God is grilling their stomachs in hell.’”

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Monday, Jul. 6, 2020

Evan Vucci / The Associated Press
White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany takes a prevaricating page from ‘Baghdad Bob.’

Playthings that break the piggy bank

Doug Speirs 10 minute read Preview

Playthings that break the piggy bank

Doug Speirs 10 minute read Saturday, Jul. 4, 2020

If you’re hoping to build a nest egg to see you through your golden years, you might want to consider visiting the local toy store.

Or scouring around in your attic, because the price of some collectible toys has skyrocketed to the point where it exceeds the value of your home.

Consider the “holy grail” of Star Wars collecting — a prototype of a never-released, rocket-firing Boba Fett action figure — that last week was put up for auction on the online shopping site eBay.

This extremely rare action figure depicting the jetpack-wearing bounty hunter, who spoke just four lines in The Empire Strikes Back, became available for the asking price of a cool US$225,000.

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Saturday, Jul. 4, 2020

A prototype of a never-released, rocket-firing Boba Fett action figure was put up for auction on eBayfor US$225,000. (Lucasfilm)

Need a role model? What about Bob?

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Need a role model? What about Bob?

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Friday, Jul. 3, 2020

Dear Class of 2020:I am delighted today to look out and see your eager, shiny faces, despite the fact that, technically speaking, it is impossible to see your faces because you are wearing masks and hunkered down in your basement playing a video game or locked in the family car watching fellow grads, one by one, wander across a stage at a drive-in theatre to get their socially distanced diplomas.

You can take heart from the fact that, because I am a member of the baby boom generation, I would not be able to see you even if you were standing in front of me due to the fact my aging eyeballs make it impossible to see anything unless it is the size of Shaquille O’Neal, a famously large basketball player who retired when you high school grads were about eight years old.

It is traditional in graduation speeches for older persons like me to get all misty-eyed and talk about handing the torch to a new generation, but, tragically, that can’t happen today. It can’t happen partly because we baby boomers are like a plague of greedy locusts and unwilling to give up anything, including torches, because we might need it ourselves one day.

The main problem, however, is that public health orders prevent us from taking our torch out of the tightly guarded Torch Warehouse and handing it to anyone unless we first dip it in a large vat of disinfectant, which typically causes the torch to go out, which kind of ruins the symbolism.

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Friday, Jul. 3, 2020

Nickelodeon
SpongeBob SquarePants is an unfailingly cheerful little dude who delivers lessons on friendship and honesty.

Picture-perfect plan to help pet rescues

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Picture-perfect plan to help pet rescues

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Tuesday, Jun. 23, 2020

A Winnipeg wildlife photographer is using the second love of her life to help rescue the first.

Yvonne Kipling is launching “Photos for Rescues,” in which she’ll donate 50 per cent of the proceeds from her wildlife print sales in July, August and September to the Winnipeg Pet Rescue Shelter.

Kipling will also donate 50 per cent of the proceeds from her family and pet portrait bookings for those three months to the no-kill shelter, which has been struggling since the start of the global COVID-19 pandemic.

“I’ve always been a dog lover, but I love all animals in general and specifically rescue animals,” Kipling, 37, said of her campaign. “I always tell my husband that if we won the lottery I’d open an animal sanctuary for all kinds of rescues.”

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Tuesday, Jun. 23, 2020

JESSE BOILY / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
'I feel lucky because a lot of people go their entire life and never find their true passion, and for me photography is it,' wildlife photographer Yvonne Kipling says.

Array

Array 5 minute read Preview

Array

Array 5 minute read Monday, Jun. 22, 2020

Today is your last chance to meet — and bid farewell to — one of the nicest guys you could ever hope to know.

All you have to do is tune in to CJNU 93.7 FM, Winnipeg’s non-profit nostalgia radio station, today from 11:30 a.m. to 1 p.m.

That’s when the community station will broadcast Unforgettable: A Tribute to Wayne Rogers, 90 minutes of music and stories in honour of a man who dedicated his life to helping others.

On April 23, just 10 days after his 72nd birthday, Wayne died after a short battle with cancer. His sudden death came as a surprise to many, because he’d successfully overcome the disease in 2008.

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Monday, Jun. 22, 2020

Supplied
From left, Wayne Rogers, Jan Currier and CJNU past president Tom Dercola outside CNJU studio in 2019.

Bombers fan happy to kick things up a gotch

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Preview

Bombers fan happy to kick things up a gotch

Doug Speirs  6 minute read Saturday, Jun. 20, 2020

Last year, Winnipeg Blue Bomber super fan Dave (Woody) Heywood was living the dream.

This summer, thanks to the global COVID-19 pandemic, it’s more like a nightmare.

That’s just the way it goes when you are a fanatical fan living in the home of the defending Grey Cup champions and looking at the grim possibility of a year without football.

“I’m feeling a little bit lost — what do you do?” said Heywood, 56, arguably best known as the last of the Gotch Men, a legendary group of local football fans who rocketed to fame by attending every Bomber game, regardless of the weather, in their underwear.

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Saturday, Jun. 20, 2020

Last year, Winnipeg Blue Bomber super fan Dave (Woody) Heywood was living the dream.

This summer, thanks to the global COVID-19 pandemic, it’s more like a nightmare.

That’s just the way it goes when you are a fanatical fan living in the home of the defending Grey Cup champions and looking at the grim possibility of a year without football.

“I’m feeling a little bit lost — what do you do?” said Heywood, 56, arguably best known as the last of the Gotch Men, a legendary group of local football fans who rocketed to fame by attending every Bomber game, regardless of the weather, in their underwear.

Facts about fathers and their special day

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Preview

Facts about fathers and their special day

Doug Speirs 11 minute read Saturday, Jun. 20, 2020

One thing is crystal clear — tomorrow will be a Father’s Day unlike any we have experienced in our lives.

Unless, of course, you lived through the 1918 influenza pandemic, but the truth is Father’s Day wasn’t as big a deal back then as it is now.

The good news is there’s a decent chance you can physically be with your dad on Sunday because the rules regarding group gatherings have been relaxed since we celebrated Mother’s Day last month.

It’s important to keep in mind there is only one more sleep until dad’s big day, so if you are going to buy him a new barbecue or an expensive bottle of single-malt Scotch, you had better get going.

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Saturday, Jun. 20, 2020

M Nota / FreeImages
Only a third of Manitobans will spend on Father’s Day this year, but for those who do, they’ll spend, on average, a whopping $298.

Takes a ticking and keeps on ick-ing

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

Takes a ticking and keeps on ick-ing

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Wednesday, Jun. 17, 2020

Everyone at my house — this includes two human beings and two small dogs — is doing the best they can to get back to “normal” now that COVID-19 restrictions are being slowly relaxed.

We have been courageously leaving the safety of the couch in our den to head out into the real world in search of the “new normal.” Or the “next normal,” if that is your preferred wording.

For instance, in the last month I have twice visited the stylist who has cut my shaggy hair for more than 25 years, and have made one visit to the dentist’s office to have my teeth and gums poked vigorously with pointy steel instruments.

It felt almost normal, other than all the personal protective gear, including surgical-style smocks, face masks and plastic face shields. And that was just the hairdresser.

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Wednesday, Jun. 17, 2020

Dreamstime / TNS
They’re tiny little bloodsuckers that can carry disease, but a calm, rational approach is key when dealing with ticks.

All the nudes that’s fit to print

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

All the nudes that’s fit to print

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Monday, Jun. 15, 2020

Close the curtains and put your cellphone’s ringer on silent, because it’s time for another instalment of something I like to call Naked People in the News.

This is the semi-recurring feature wherein I provide in-depth coverage of people around the globe who are determined to obtain maximum exposure.

It is also one of the few chances I get as a crusading newspaper columnist to activate the caps lock feature on my keyboard and repeatedly write a single word — NAKED! NAKED! NAKED! — in a sincere and humanitarian effort to attract more online eyeballs.

Our first unclad news item appeared in Britain’s Daily Mirror newspaper under this intriguing headline: “We looked for love while completely naked.”

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Monday, Jun. 15, 2020

Aaron Vincent Elkaim / The Canadian Press Files
Stéphane Deschênes, nudist and owner of Bare Oaks Family Naturist Park near Newmarket, Ont., says the pandemic has increased interest in naturism.

Racism on the ice

Doug Speirs  12 minute read Preview

Racism on the ice

Doug Speirs  12 minute read Saturday, Jun. 13, 2020

They are seven proud men speaking with a single voice.

Their mission is to “eradicate racism and intolerance in hockey” and to be “a force for positive change not only within our game of hockey, but also within society.”

On Monday, seven current or retired Black NHL players unveiled the Hockey Diversity Alliance, which is independent from the NHL but plans to work with the league on its goal of combating racism in Canada’s most beloved sport.

The group appointed San Jose Sharks forward Evander Kane and former NHL player Akim Aliu as co-heads of the organization. Named to the executive committee were Detroit Red Wings defenceman Trevor Daley, Minnesota Wild defenceman Matt Dumba, Buffalo Sabres forward Wayne Simmonds, Philadelphia Flyers forward Chris Stewart and former NHL forward Joel Ward.

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Saturday, Jun. 13, 2020

JEFFREY BARNES / THE ASSOCIATE PRESS FILES
Buffalo Sabres forward Wayne Simmonds was subjected to a visible form of racism when, at an exhibition game in London, Ont., a fan threw a banana at the then-Philadelphia Flyer.

What the world needs now: Loving Day

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Preview

What the world needs now: Loving Day

Doug Speirs  5 minute read Friday, Jun. 12, 2020

Welcome to a day the world desperately needs.

Today is Loving Day — which has nothing to do with hugs and kisses and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, but everything to do with the struggle for racial equality.

Loving Day is an annual celebration held June 12 to mark the anniversary of the 1967 U.S. Supreme Court ruling that struck down remaining state laws banning interracial marriage. It is named for the landmark case, Loving v. Virginia, and the couple at its centre, Richard and Mildred Loving, who refused to accept a racist law that said their love was somehow a crime.

With the unprecedented wave of anti-racism protests sweeping the world in the wake of the horrific Minneapolis police killing of George Floyd, an unarmed Black man, the Lovings story has become more important than ever.

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Friday, Jun. 12, 2020

Estate of Grey Villet
Richard and Mildred Loving kissed as he arrived home in 1965. He was white. She was black and Native American. Their arrest in Virginia led to the Supreme Court’s landmark decision overturning laws against interracial marriage.

Comedy steps into live entertainment void spotlight

Array 6 minute read Preview

Comedy steps into live entertainment void spotlight

Array 6 minute read Tuesday, Jun. 9, 2020

The laughs are back in Winnipeg — but spaced a little further apart than they used to be.

Rumor’s Restaurant and Comedy Club, which has been serving up laughter at Tuxedo Park Shopping Centre for the past 36 years, reopened its doors June 2, after being shut to help curb the spread of COVID-19.

“It feels great,” general manager Tyler Schultz said Monday over coffee in the club’s main theatre. “For 2 1/2 months, time kind of stood still. It’s exciting that we have crowds again, and the crowds could not be more supportive and kind.

“There’s still that notion that people are a little hesitant to start coming out and sit in an environment where there’s a lot of other people. It’s a challenge.”

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Tuesday, Jun. 9, 2020

MIKAELA MACKENZIE / WINNIPEG FREE PRESS
Rumor's Comedy Club, which recently re-opened with COVID-19 measures in place, in Winnipeg on Tuesday, June 9, 2020. For Doug Speirs story.Winnipeg Free Press 2020.