Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/1/2016 (1520 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
OK, kids, pull up a chair and grab a big box of tissues, because today we're going to look at a few recent headlines:
— The low-flying Canadian loonie plunges into the abyss;
— The Winnipeg Jets wallow in the basement of the NHL's Central Division;
— Syrian refugee crisis gets worse as Donald Trump's popularity mysteriously rises;
— Beloved performers — David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Natalie Cole and Abe Vigoda, to name a few — dropping like flies;
— The "Doomsday Clock" set at three minutes to midnight thanks to rising tension between the U.S. and Russia;
— Justin Bieber monopolizes top two spots on the Billboard Hot 100, gets nominated for a Grammy Award.
Is it just me, kids, or does everyone think the news has been just a bit bleaker and more depressing than normal recently?
Seriously, hold up your hands if, after checking out the headlines, the only things you want to do are wring your hands, perspire heavily and hide in the nearest drainpipe, which is almost impossible now what with the huge dump of snow we just got.
As a crusading journalist with steely blue eyes, I believe what we need here, kids, is something to break this cycle of despair, something to light the way to a glorious future, something to prevent the will to live from leaking out of our ears and, just possibly, causing our keyboards to short-circuit.
Fortunately, I am holding in my hands two uplifting items I believe are exactly what the doctor ordered, so to speak.
The first uplifting item is my cellphone, which I recently lost and then found on the floor of my car, which you already know if you read Monday's inspiring column.
In that column, I described how, after finding my own phone, I stumbled on a guy named Derek, who was on all fours, crawling around in a snow-covered parking lot and peering under cars searching for his own lost phone.
Anyway, my phone now contains an inspiring text message wherein Derek happily explains his missing phone was recovered by a Good Samaritan and his son. "They were able to decipher who owned the phone, found out where I live and delivered it," Derek's text chirped.
"The dad came to the front door, asked my wife if Derek lived here, then produced my phone, saying where he found it. So when I get home, my wife is standing with my phone in hand... I tell her my predicament, and she shows me my phone, with some comments that only husbands could understand and NOT respond to."
So, there you go! I'm assuming that helped all of you feel a little bit more cheerful, provided you are not Derek, who — and this is just an educated guess — is most likely still trying to persuade his wife he is a full-grown responsible adult, and she really should let him have his phone back some time soon.
If that is not enough to turn your frowns upside down, let's move on to Uplifting Item No. 2, which just happens to be a series of online news reports I have just found describing the hottest new physical fitness trend in Canada.
Normally, I go to great pains to avoid the latest physical fitness trends on the grounds I do not enjoy hanging out with people who are physically fit, because the only thing they enjoy talking about is — take a wild guess here — the latest physical fitness trends.
Anyway, the trend I am talking about here is something called "Bunny Yoga," which, based on what I read and partially understood, is an otherwise normal yoga class wherein, while the participants are doing the downward dog, a bunch of cute little bunnies hop around on the mats.
At a recent class at Sunberry Fitness in Richmond, B.C., a non-profit rescue group called Bandaids for Bunnies brought along 10 fluffy rescue rabbits and let them roam around the studio. The general idea is it makes the yoga students more peaceful and Zen-like, while it gives the cute bunnies a shot at finding a home.
"People really enjoy it," studio owner Julia Zu told reporters after the first rabbit-intensive class.
Bunny Yoga? Is that uplifting, or what? The sad truth is, you can't rely on the news to brighten your mood. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness.
It's kind of like that part in Peter Pan when, if you wanted to fly, you just needed to think a few happy thoughts. Well, that's true. Also, if you really believe in fairies, you should clap your hands really hard. Go ahead, try that right now. Ha ha ha! OK, you can stop clapping now ... because you just squished Tinker Bell!
Doug has held almost every job at the newspaper — reporter, city editor, night editor, tour guide, hand model — and his colleagues are confident he’ll eventually find something he is good at.
Updated on Friday, January 29, 2016 at 8:31 AM CST: Changed photo.