Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/1/2010 (2774 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
When I say "aliens," I do not mean people who have accidentally wandered into Canada from another country ... hold on, I guess I sort of mean that when it comes to Michael Ignatieff, but that's not my main point.
No, my main point is that I am finding it hard to shake the feeling the leaders of our national political parties are -- and you are going to kick yourselves for not thinking of this first -- aliens from outer space.
I mean, have you looked at these guys lately? Sure, they sort of LOOK like humans, but then again you could say the same thing about lawyers. The important thing is they don't ACT like humans. Plus, they are trying to take over the country.
Take Prime Minister Stephen Harper... please! Ha ha ha! Sorry, consider Stephen Harper. With him, we have two choices:
1) He was sent to Earth by a civilization far more advanced than ours, a civilization that has outlawed human emotions;
2) He is a robot with death ray lasers hidden in his eye sockets.
Initially, I was drawn to Option No. 2, but then I realized even a robot would have a better hairstyle. Remember the last time he suspended Parliament? That time about a year ago. There was Stephen Harper, standing in a snowstorm outside the Governor General's house, staring into the TV cameras.
Even the American networks covered the event and their analysts could not stop commenting about the fact that, even though Harper was facing a driving snowstorm, his helmet-like hairstyle remained utterly motionless.
It's no different with Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff, except for the fact we need to be more concerned about his eyebrows than his hair. Have you looked at those giant brows lately? Well, don't! If you stare at them too long, you'll be powerless to resist whatever he happens to be saying, assuming you can understand whatever it is he happens to be saying.
But let's not jump to conclusions. How about the awkward, ungainly way these guys move in Earth's atmosphere? Do they walk and talk like regular humans? Of course not. It's like their bodies have been taken over by groups of small, disoriented extraterrestrial beings who didn't read the instruction manual:
First alien: "Hey, look, I can make their prime minister walk like Frankenstein!"
Second alien: "Oh yeah, watch this: I'll make him bite off a reporter's head."
Third alien: "Very lifelike! Hey, I thought you were working in Michael Ignatieff?"
Second alien: "I requested a transfer. I thought you were supposed to be learning to operate Jack Layton?"
Third alien: "I was, but it turns out Layton's human."
First alien: "Who knew?"
Speaking of Jack Layton, we have to assume he is human because, if he was sent here from a more advanced civilization, his superior alien brain would have clued in by now that he is NEVER going to be elected prime minister, not even if they point space lasers at the head of every eligible voter.
Also, there's that moustache to consider. If you were from another planet and wanted to become the supreme leader, would you hide your face under a cheesy porn star moustache? Neither would I.
Finally, let me ask you this: What have Harper's and Ignatieff's political handlers been trying to do for the past year or so?
Right: They've been trying to make these guys seem more HUMAN! They've been trying to get Ignatieff to ditch the tie and tone down the I-Went-To-Oxford rhetoric and speak in a way that people from this planet might actually understand.
And they got Harper to stop trying to rip the medically valuable organs out of journalists and Opposition MPs long enough to put on a sweater vest, make a few TV ads in which he speaks in hushed tones to senior citizens, then, gasp, pop up unexpectedly at a charity gala, play a little cocktail piano and lay a few Beatles' tunes on stunned humans.
What's my point? My point is: Why spend so much time trying to make people look human if they're already human to begin with?
Makes you wonder, doesn't it? So, unless you want our country ruled by alien overlords who haven't even registered to vote, I urge you to immediately contact your nearest available Parliamentarian.
Demand they take you to their leader. Don't forget to ask what planet he's from.