Help us deliver reliable news during this pandemic.
We are working tirelessly to bring you trusted information about COVID-19. Support our efforts by subscribing today.No Thanks Subscribe
Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/1/2016 (1536 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
Today, in a sincere effort to make the world a better place for people like me, we are going to have a frank discussion about a growing problem affecting guys of a certain age.
Out of journalistic fairness, we will kick off today's discussion with an alarming personal example drawn from my real-life experiences.
After work last Friday, I realized we were completely out of onion dip, so I pulled into the supermarket parking lot and began walking towards the store.
Which is when the following thought occurred to me: "I wonder if we have potato chips to go with the dip? I should call my wife and ask her."
So I stuck my hand into a pocket of my brand-new parka and -- brace yourselves for a shock -- my cellphone wasn't there.
Fortunately, what with being a guy, I knew exactly what to do -- I instantly lurched into panic mode.
"OHMYGAWDMYPHONEISGONE!" I snarled as I slowly traced my steps back to where I'd parked the car.
When I flung the driver's door open -- prepare to be flooded with relief -- there was my phone, which apparently had fallen out of my pocket and become lodged in a narrow space between the seat and the door.
"Whew!" I sighed, then, phone securely tucked into my parka, strutted back to the store to obtain the nutritious snack items I needed to start the weekend.
Minutes later, groceries in tow, I returned to my car, which is when I noticed a man around my age crawling on all fours in the snow, frantically peering under a nearby parked car.
I watched him probing around for several seconds, then wandered over to see if I could help.
"Lost something?" I asked, politely.
The crawling man looked up and, in a voice tinged with anxiety, replied: "Yes, I've lost my cellphone."
You see? It's like I'm a detective, or something. "I know just how you feel," I told him, then explained how I had just had endured a similar lost-phone experience.
So I suggested we look inside his car to see whether his phone had also become lodged between seat and door.
It hadn't, so the pair of us stared forlornly down at the snowy parking lot, which is when another guy wandered over, eyeballed us, and said: "Lost something?"
"Yes," I replied, pointing at my depressed friend. "He dropped his cellphone and can't find it."
This third guy's eyes lit up, and he told us that a couple who had been parked near him had found a phone lying in the snow and had taken it with them when they left.
So we used my recently recovered phone to call the missing phone, but no one answered, which is when we all shook hands and parted ways, so I don't have a clue how this story turns out.
What I do know is it illustrates a growing problem among guys like me -- we are always losing stuff. No, hold on, it might be better to say we guys can never find anything, even if it's right in front of our noses.
It's a scientific fact women do not suffer from this problem the way men do, because they are apparently equipped with some type of biological radar to ensure they can always locate anything they want.
It occurred to me if a woman wanted to commit the perfect murder, all she would have to do is hide the body in the refrigerator, assuming, of course, the police officers searching for the victim were all guys of my particular gender.
"OK, ma'am, where's the body?" the police would demand as they painstakingly rooted through the fridge.
"It's on the top shelf!" the female killer would confess.
"Nope, can't see it," the officers would grunt.
"It's right behind the (bad word) mustard!" the frustrated killer would snort.
"No, that's just a jar of pickles," the police would chirp.
It would go on and on like that, but I think you get the thrust of my gist. According to a report I have just read online, there is a plausible scientific explanation.
It seems women are born with more cone-shaped cells in their eyes, so they see colour better and also have superior peripheral vision; whereas guys have evolved a type of long-distance "tunnel vision" that allows them to spot a bikini on a beach several kilometres away but prevents them from seeing stuff directly under their noses.
Now that we all understand the scope of this problem, I sincerely hope someone will return my new friend's lost cellphone. After they do that, maybe they could help me find the onion dip, because it's gotta be in here somewhere.
Doug has held almost every job at the newspaper — reporter, city editor, night editor, tour guide, hand model — and his colleagues are confident he’ll eventually find something he is good at.
Updated on Monday, January 25, 2016 at 7:45 AM CST: Photo changed.