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Bring up open-marriage idea with asexual wife

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/5/2014 (1194 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have never really been satisfied with my wife's sexual prowess. We do engage intimately, but the physical love and affection is only one-sided. I imagine this is what it would be like to make love to a blow-up doll, and it's driving me crazy.

She shows no physical signs of enjoyment, no enthusiastic facial expressions, nor does she move or position her body in such a way that would make the experience enjoyable for both of us. She has never initiated an intimate session. I had difficulty with this prior to our marriage but felt that perhaps it was me. I thought that maybe my timing was off and perhaps things would get better in time.

We had dated for five years when she put me on notice that she might be wasting her time with me and missing out on other partner opportunities. My options were to marry her or risk losing her. Thinking our relationship would get better, I opted for going down the aisle. I did not realize she was asexual until I recently watched a documentary on the subject. I never realized there were people out there who had no physical or mental desire whatsoever to engage in a sexual way.

Now I'm not sure what to do about this. My wife will not consider any form of counselling, stating that she doesn't want anyone else to hear about our problems. Please help. -- Left Wanting, Winnipeg

Dear Left Wanting: Are you only marginally interested in sex yourself? It's a mystery how you lasted this long. Most guys would have said goodbye after a year or two of cold treatment. It's time to talk to her about a unique kind of change, one that allows you to have warm, loving sex and she doesn't have to have any at all. That would be an open marriage. Suggest she can go out for tea and conversation with other people, and you can go out for sex and affection. She will hit the roof!

The point of this? She has to know her refusal to get counselling just doesn't hold things together any longer. Why doesn't she want the sexual problem fixed? Maybe she is asexual, or perhaps she suffered childhood sexual abuse. She might not even know consciously why she dislikes sex.

If you're serious enough to write in, you may be serious enough now to make a move to benefit both your lives. At the very least, go for counselling yourself, and get clear on what you want.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm in sales and travel a lot. I am a pretty woman, and single. Although I don't have a "sailor in every port," I do have boyfriends I've met through work and through online sites that I can call up in just about any major city I go to. Unfortunately, I kept a little log of my activities, which my daughter found and read. She is horrified and thinks I am "low" and "disgusting."

She told her dad, my ex-husband, and now he is willing to take her to live with him. I don't want her relationship with me to end this way. I am devastated and crying a lot. She treats me with disdain. Should I let her go to her dad, or fight? -- Crying Mother, Winnipeg

Dear Crying: Get you and your upset daughter into a counselling situation after spending one or two sessions without her there, first. Then ask her to go on her own the next time. It is important to try to patch this up. You are a single adult and are entitled to date. Writing a brag book was an unfortunate idea you need to discuss with your counsellor. Sometime soon your daughter will be a single young adult. You don't want her to react to this in her own sexual life -- either mimicking it with a vengeance or retreating into a non-social/no dating life. And, you want to forgive each other and be close again.


Please send your questions or comments c/o or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Read more by Miss Lonelyhearts.


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