Are you a helper or a solver?

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/05/2017 (3175 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

How well you are able to help someone with a problem depends very much on whether you are a helper or a solver.

Helpers don’t really help in the true meaning of the word. They help in ways that are more deep and profound.

If you are a solver, you very well know already your solving ways of helping don’t work.

So what’s the difference between these two ways of being a service to others? Here’s a story:
An acquaintance recently went through a series of very tragic events, both personally and professionally.

She shared her challenges with a friend — not a bosom buddy but one she is close enough with.
The friend barely allowed her to finish a sentence before starting to solve her problems for her. My acquaintance was taken aback and ended up leaving the interaction feeling even more stressed.
She felt that, on top of all the things she needed to solve for herself, she now had to report back to this friend on how much progress she had made.

Then she told me about talking with a childhood friend who knows her very well.  She got a vastly different response from her bosom buddy. This time she felt she was helped. Yet all her friend had done was allow her to talk for a bit and cry for a while comforting her by saying “I know you well enough, so I know you are going to be just OK.”

These two interactions demonstrate the difference between being a helper and a solver. Helpers don’t have to do anything other than be emotionally available. This means being able to demonstrate empathy and being able to recognize the problem is not theirs to solve.  
Solvers tend to make decisions very quickly about what the problem is and, without thinking, jump to a conclusion about what needs to be done.

This well-intentioned approach of offering up solutions to others often backfires. It strips people of personal responsibility for their lives.

If you are a solver, how about considering doing a number on yourself?

Fight that impulse to fix and solve. Instead, challenge yourself to be more emotionally available for other people and help them to solve their own problems.

Phyllis Reid-Jarvis is a director and executive coach at Ultimate Potentials. Contact her at living@ultimatepotentials.com