An idea that’s truly all wet

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/07/2010 (5855 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

One of the big mistakes we high-powered investigative journalists routinely make is failing to write about things right under our very noses.

So, today, I’m going to do something about that.

I’m going to write about something that, biologically speaking, was directly under my nose yesterday when I sat down at the computer in my cubicle.

The thing I found under my nose, staring up into my nasal cavities, was a copy of a bizarre Associated Press photo that a colleague had placed on top of my keyboard.

It showed a Russian scuba diver with — tucked under his arm like a hairy football — a wiener dog. But this was not just any wiener dog. This was a Russian wiener dog wearing its very own specially designed scuba suit complete with tiny oxygen tanks, a plexiglass helmet and a wiener-dog-sized weight belt.

It turns out this photo was kindly deposited on my keyboard by Free Press day editor Shane Minkin.

"The moment I saw it, I thought of you," is what Shane told me. (This should give readers some idea of the vital role I play in the daily news-gathering process.)

The two of us scrutinized the photo carefully. "Ha ha," was our initial journalistic reaction, because we assumed it was proof the Russians are actively training a top-secret corps of specially recruited, specially equipped deep-diving dachshunds — combat wiener dogs, if you will — capable of penetrating North America’s coastal defences and launching aquatic sneak attacks on our vital supplies of Milk-Bones and squeaky toys.

But the truth is even stranger. According to several online news stories I have just read, a guy named Sergei Gorbunov, director of diving at Russia’s Vladivostok Maritime College, had the diving suit made for his dachshund, Boniface, because his pet howled whenever he went diving without him.

"He always worries when divers disappear under the water, so for his sake we have had a special doggy diving suit made, complete with an oxygen tank," Gorbunov is quoted as saying. "We think the experiment has been a great success. Boniface felt comfortable under the water, but maybe or maybe not because we fed him sausages before and after."

I showed this photo to several newsroom colleagues and the first thing they said was, "Awwwwww," because a wiener dog in a wet suit is pretty darn cute, but then they made remarks about the dog’s owner that we do not normally print in a family-oriented newspaper.

Reader comments attached to online stories, photos and videos (just Google "deep-diving dachshund") also made the central point that, as pet owners go, Mr. Gorbunov is just a little less sensitive than Attila the Hun.

Before you send me angry letters on your "I (heart) my Wiener Dog" stationery, let me point out that I totally agree. Going scuba diving with your dog, while it may sound like fun, is definitely not for everyone. For example, it is not for sane people.

I personally own a wiener dog and I can categorically state they are not designed for the undersea environment. I base this on our miniature wiener dog, Zoe, who refuses to set foot on the lawn to pee if, YIKES, the grass is even moderately wet.

No, wiener dogs are clearly intended for what I would call "the couch environment."

For instance, Zoe’s daily routine consists of dangling over the back of our living room couch and (1) barking at anything — leaves, insects, newspapers — that poses a threat to the security of our home; (2) chewing socks and underpants stolen from the floor in my bedroom; and (3) producing aromas so potentially toxic that if, for example, a slaughterhouse moved in next door, they would be the ones complaining about the odour.

The point is, I oppose dressing dogs up in just about anything, let alone diving suits, because dogs, like teenagers, do not enjoy looking foolish. They react negatively when their owners or parents dress them in items that make the following fashion statement: "Look, I’m a dork!"

So we should be thankful the Russians — at least as far as we know — are not stockpiling squads of combat-ready frog-dachshunds. Civilian wiener dogs, even on dry land, are already capable of wreaking havoc.

I will not soon forget watching a YouTube video in which a family’s pet wiener dog, in the middle of a fireworks display, grabbed a Roman candle between its teeth and scampered around launching colourful fireballs at its frantic owners.

So do NOT teach your dog how to scuba dive. You should, however, teach it to walk on wet grass. Otherwise you may find something really shocking directly under your nose.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca