DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just about leapt out of my skin recently. My husband came into the living room holding my personal pleasure toy, yelling, “Say hello to your little buddy!”

Then he tossed it at me, and walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

I was so embarrassed. But hey, a woman needs some extra excitement too. I’ve tried everything to spice up our 25-year marriage. For instance, I’ve tried to introduce friends’ suggestions for sex toys into our mutual love life, but I was shot down every time.

At this point, we haven’t had sex for six months. After too long feeling unsatisfied, I purchased a sex toy just for myself. Now, I get the pleasure I deserve, even if it’s from a little machine.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a loving lesbian woman who is a bit shy. After an expensive dinner out (my treat for my new girlfriend’s birthday) she drove me to her place where she had her favourite romance scene partly set up. She had told me about it over dinner, and it involved far too many lit candles for my big fear of fire. I’m not much of an actor and I’m scared stiff of getting burned.

I somehow managed to fall asleep while she was getting everything ready to go and she had to wake me up. I had totally lost my nerve by then. I freaked and grabbed my jacket and went outside in the cold to book a ride home. I didn’t want her driving me. What chance do I have with her now?

— Lonely, Westwood

Dear Lonely: You’re not a performative-type lovemaker and definitely need someone who is more natural — not to mention safety-conscious.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife has been having an affair and it’s been so poorly executed that I actually know the guy’s addresses — both home and work. I have been checking him out recently, and I just found out how much money he earns.

Here’s my problem: I would expose him to his spouse, but he diverts my wife away from nastier ways of getting me back for my little extramarital adventures.

My wife is not the sharpest tool in the shed. She’s just very good-looking in some obvious ways and looks after our kids very well.

So what should I do?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My suspicious dad had me followed by someone he knows and found out I was seeing a married man at his friends’ places, where we would go to make out.

Then dad kicked me out and said, “Go live with someone else who doesn’t mind if you’re a tramp and have no morals.”

So I packed my stuff and went to stay at the home of my younger aunt on my mom’s side of the family.

My uptight mother describes her youngest sister as a wild child because she works at a popular restaurant/bar and stays up until all hours partying with friends. I really love living with her already.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I know you can’t tell marital exes to stay away for good when they break up with you and leave you in ruins, but I think there should be a law to keep them away from you until after you have put yourself back together again.

I just heard that my ex is moving back here and I have just done the costly work to repair my heart and soul after my husband and his other woman left town for Ontario.

Now they are moving back because they were too lonely, as it was tough to get to know people in their new town, which was kind of cliquey, apparently. (My ex and I also have kids together, so he also wanted to be closer to them again.)

I could have handled the news better if they hadn’t decided to move right back into the area of city that is my whole world, and where I grew up and went to school.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I fell in love with another woman this Christmas — the third Christmas crush I’ve had in my life. There’s something about the season, the lights and the happy music that gets to me!

Unfortunately, the passion and warmth dies down by the new year and taking down the tree and decorations often spells the end of the romance for shallow me.

I know it’s kind of crazy. I’ve been to a psychologist recommended by a friend to work through my festive season mini-affairs — who laughed at my crushes, diminishing the importance of them. It’s a more serious problem than that.

I have some notion as to why this is a pattern of behaviour for me, but still don’t know how to get rid of it. My mother really loved Christmas, and that was the only time of the year I remember her and dad actually getting along — even as far as singing carols together and being romantic.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m being used as a “go-fer” by my older brother’s friends because I bought a cool, funky old van.

I started out more than happy to help my family, using my vehicle to pick up big parcels and grocery orders for our mom. But then my oldest brother became the worst user of me and my van, getting me to run all kinds of errands for him and his buddies and even just handing them the keys to drive it themselves when I’m not around.

I finally had to tell him sternly I did not buy my van to be taken advantage of and do unpaid work for him and his crew. I went on to say I’d only run errands in my van for them for pay now, and there would be no more of his friends taking it out for joy rides.

He said to me, “I know where this is headed.” Then he put the word out that my truck was off limits. People stopped calling. My friendship with my older bro is in the ditch now. How do I make up with the guy who’s barely speaking to me?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We are a lesbian couple, and my sweetheart just told me she wants to propose and give me the engagement ring on Valentine’s Day. She told me ahead of time, because I hate surprises and have been known to get nauseous in public, when I’m shocked.

Unfortunately, now that I know the big day is coming, I’m becoming more and more nervous. My outgoing love insists she wants to give me the ring in front of “a handful of friends and family.” My family knows my gut’s history, and they’re all pleading, “Oh no! Not necessary.” They know from embarrassing past experiences I will not get through this without being sick. Please help! What do you suggest?

— Shy Flower, East Kildonan

Dear Shy Flower: You really need to have an honest talk with your mate, and stress to her your serious aversion to public attention. Then, why not pick out the engagement ring together and put it on privately, at home? You could have an experienced photographer take pictures of the two of you showing off the engagement ring, beautifully.