DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I saw someone on the beach I used to love. She was with her husband, who had just gone into the water. She had several children with her, playing in the sand.

Her oldest kid looked right up at me and I said to my ex in a shocked whisper, “He looks like me!”

She replied in a whisper, “And my husband looks a lot like you, too, you idiot. My son was born two years after we broke up. He’s not yours, and you and I mean nothing to each other anymore.”

Interesting! That child had my colour of eyes and my colour of curly hair. Now what?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I spotted a familiar male figure at the beach, seeing him from behind. It had to be my old love from Grade 12. I’d know that big body anywhere. He was a football player and weightlifter — a real find in my graduation year. Why? I was five-foot-11 in heels. We were together for a few months, through graduation, but broke up shortly after. Mutual height can only get you so far.

I followed the big guy into the water at the lake, and tapped him on the shoulder. My high school ex turned around, holding a small child in his big arms. Within two minutes, his wife was suddenly at his side! I saw her wedding ring.

So much for that, or so I thought. But a few days later I got a phone call at my work, and my old love said he wanted to talk, now that there’d be no one listening in.

He went on to say how great it was to see me again, and he wanted to apologize for what an “awkward guy” he was in high school. He said he stopped calling me back then because he didn’t feel he was up to keeping someone like me interested.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I almost made it to the end of summer without calling my hot ex-girlfriend. She will sometimes take me in for an afternoon of fun and sex, just for old times sake! I feel guilty for a while afterwards because I’m married — but a guy needs a break once in a while, right?

My problem? This ex has no steady guy in her life right now, so she asked if we could start seeing each other regularly on Sunday afternoons “no strings attached” until she finds a new partner. Yikes! Free sex with her once a week? Oddly enough, this does not strike me as a smart idea.

I know she would never out me to my wife, but things are bound to get emotional if we start a seeing each other a lot again — plus she’s feeling lonely. I know her personality, and she can kick up a fuss. She’s quite emotional and I can’t afford to get in her line of fire.

On the other hand, I have a wife and kids who have such busy lives they don’t even seem to notice I’m there anymore. What do I say to this ex?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend is a great singer and guitar player, but now she’s gotten in with some male musicians to form a band for playing bars. I’m a drummer, but a terrible one. They found themselves a great one a couple weeks ago, so I’ve been pushed out.

My girl could see I was feeling jealous of her continued band action, so she told me I should still come out to help schlep the equipment to and from the gig. That’s just not happening — I won’t be their lowly roadie to boss around!

So, now what happens to her and I? Let me guess — we break up, and what do you know? The singer guy sees his chance and makes a big play for her. She is a beautiful, talented woman. Help!

— Feeling Anxious, Osborne Village

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had dinner with my new guy at a fancy restaurant — his treat — and ate something that didn’t agree with me. I ended up in the restaurant bathroom, throwing the expensive dinner up. My date was actually vulgar about it — not sympathetic or taking things with a sense of humour at all.

He was so disgusted he called a taxi to take me home so I wouldn’t end up throwing up in his precious car. I cancelled the taxi and called my family, and my father and brother came right away. They wanted to wring his neck!

I’d never have reacted so cruelly if my date had gotten sick at a restaurant.

This guy has since called to see if I’m “back to normal.” He casually asked if I wanted to give it another try. I just didn’t have the desire to talk with him anymore, so I hung up. Is this my problem? Am I “over-reacting” as he has told other people I know?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My teenage mother abandoned me as a baby boy. She left town after dropping me off to live with my teenage father, who still lived with his parents and their large Franco-Manitoban family.

I had a good life and was spoiled by him, mémère and all the other kids.

My birth mother moved in with some of her family in another province, and didn’t figure in my life at all. I never saw her or heard from her, but I wasn’t really bitter about that. She just didn’t exist for me, except for a photo or two.

My grandmother, who told me to call her Mom if I wanted, was a great mother figure to me. She and my grandfather really loved all the kids, including me — the surprise new baby.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend — who is newly divorced — has two great children from his marriage. Although he and I have been together since Christmas, it’s obvious he loves his kids much more than he loves me! For instance, he lavishes affection on the kids when they’re over and completely leaves me out. I’m just the cook and dish-washer for the night.

When I brought this up recently, he said, “My girlfriends don’t last, because if I’m openly affectionate with them, the kids tell their mother we’re making out in front of them! They want all my affection and attention when I’m with them.” Then he added, “Stick around, and the kids will probably loosen up.”

Stick around? The explanation and his “advice” totally turned me off. What do you think?

— Not Second-Best to Anyone, St. Vital