Hockey cheerleaders… ice!

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/12/2010 (5604 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I know it’s the holiday season, but I’ve been wandering around the last few weeks with a vague empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I initially blamed it on hunger, but then I realized what my life has been lacking — something worth fighting for, a cause to champion during these brutally cold winter days.

That’s why today I’m taking a stand on an issue threatening to rip our nation apart, an issue fundamental to our way of life, an issue that affects all of us, regardless of race, income level, or college education.

This issue is cheerleaders.

I’m tackling this issue today because earlier this week, the Edmonton Oilers made hockey history — they became the first Canadian NHL team to unveil their very own cheerleading squad. Decked out in white knee-high boots, blue and orange miniskirts and tight-fitting jerseys emblazoned with the Oilers logo, the 19 women on this historic cheer squad, the Octane, made their debut during a break in the second period of a game in Edmonton Tuesday night. Shaking their iridescent pompoms and shimmying while Queen’s We Will Rock You blared through the arena speakers, they immediately went out and pounded the Toronto Maple Leafs, prompting Hockey Night in Canada legend Don Cherry to remark: “Wow! Those cheerleaders hit a lot harder than I expected!”

I may have been paraphrasing there, but the point is: a Canadian NHL team now has its own cheerleaders and we, as a nation, must form strong opinions on the matter so we can send poorly written emails to our nearest member of Parliament.

On Tuesday, the Octane got a mixed reaction. There weren’t any boos, but the crowd didn’t exactly go wild and many fans made disparaging comments — “It’s wrong! Cheerleading is for football. Our crowds are rowdy enough” — to reporters.

There’s even an online petition signed by thousands of disgruntled fans complaining the cheer team is demeaning to women and an affront to the game. So this is a divisive issue. For example, Person A may believe NHL cheerleaders are awesome, whereas Person B may find them demeaning. Who’s to say which person is correct?

I am. Person A is correct. Cheerleaders are awesome. Why do some Canadians disagree? Well, because some Canadians are Canadians, meaning they have a hard time embracing anything, including daylight savings time and the decimal point.

Demeaning? Give me a (bad word) break. Do you know what’s really demeaning? Cheering for the Oilers. Or the Maple Leafs. Now that’s demeaning! At least now Oilers fans won’t have to pretend they’re buying tickets in case a hockey game breaks out. “I’m just here for the cheerleaders,” will be their new rallying cry.

It’s different in the United States, where — brace yourselves for a statistical fact — only one of the 24 American NHL teams doesn’t have its own cheer squad. Why do Americans embrace cheerleaders?

Duh! Because they’re Americans, a gun-toting people who feel it’s their constitutional right to cheer for anything, including airplane crashes, drive-by shootings, and executions. Especially that last one. (Sample cheer: “Throw the switch/Throw the switch/No need to try ’em/They look kind of guilty/So go ahead and fry ’em!”)

I defy you to name a single occupation that would not be enhanced by the addition of cheerleaders. No matter what you are currently doing, you’d be doing it better if you had scantily-clad young women waggling pompoms and chanting encouraging words, especially if you hadn’t had a single cup of coffee. Take politicians. No one bothers to watch the daily question period in the House of Commons. Why? Because it’s boring.

Toss in some cheerleaders and it’s a different story. (Sample cheer: “Raise our taxes/You want more/You can raise them again/Because you raised them before!” Or: “Stephen Harper, he’s our man/If he can’t do it, maybe Michael Ignatieff can!“)

Imagine how much more effective our police would be if they had a visible sign of our support in the form of cheerleaders. (Sample cheer: “Taser him, cuff him/Throw him in the clink/He got behind the wheel/When he had too much to drink!“)

Even newspaper columnists wouldn’t be immune to this motivation. (Sample cheer: “Spellcheck/Spellcheck/Punctuate/Write another column/And don’t be late!”)

Forgive me for being rah rah about cheerleaders, but I think they deserve a few fans. Maybe you disagree. That’s your right. But here’s a cheer for you: “Gimme a B! Gimme an O! Gimme another O! What’s that spell????”)

I don’t know about you guys, but that empty feeling in my stomach is starting to disappear.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca