Tolkiening it to the next level

Opinion

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This article was published 16/12/2014 (3947 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Given that Bilbo Baggins appears near the beginning of the Lord of the Rings film trilogy, it isn’t much of a spoiler to suggest the happy-go-lucky halfling survives the final film in The Hobbit trilogy.

Part of the enjoyment in watching J.R.R. Tolkien’s vision unfold on screens is you pretty much know what will happen.

Elves will battle orcs. Wizards will fight with wraiths. Characters whose names you can’t remember will die while the ones you do know will survive to live another day.

But seeing as The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies is billed as filmmaker Peter Jackson’s final foray into Middle-earth, exactly what form this new day will take is unclear.

Happily, there are a few options for Jackson to re-enter Tolkien’s universe, if he’s willing to take a few liberties with the source material.

 

Hobbit Babies!

NOW that Bilbo is back amid the comfy confines of Bag End in The Shire, the only story worth telling in Middle-earth involves the early years of Frodo and his pals — loyal Sam, mischievous Merry and “wait, which one is he again?” Pippin.

Hobbit Babies! will chronicle the exciting adventures of the infant halflings as they learn to steal cabbages, quaff ale and smoke pipe-weed, like other normal furry-footed children. Once the Saturday morning cartoon is out, actual Hobbit Babies will appear in stores next Christmas, manufactured and marketed by the same evil geniuses who brought you My Little Pony, Furby, the Cabbage Patch Kids and those guys who sit next to Strombo on the new Hockey Night in Canada.

 

The Beorn Identity

EVERYONE’S favourite shape-shifter doesn’t enjoy much screen time in The Hobbit finale, so look for a new thriller exploring the back story of the enormous man-bear.

The Beorn Identity will be set in the streets of contemporary Zurich, which makes just as much sense as The Bourne Identity did. Hollywood loves a known commodity, you know, like The Hobbit.

One year later, get ready for the sequel: Beorn Again.

 

Tauriel, Princess Warrior

SINCE Evangeline Lilly’s warrior she-elf doesn’t appear in Tolkien’s novels, Peter Jackson has the licence to do whatever he wants with the character. As a result, get ready for the wacky adventures of Tauriel after she tries to set sail for the Undying Lands but winds up crashed on the remains of the long-lost island of Númenor, where the remnant population worships her as a princess.

Before Lord of the Rings, Xena: Warrior Princess was the most popular thing ever filmed in New Zealand. Thus, it makes complete sense to combine the two franchises. Besides, Lilly has experience getting lost on an ill-conceived fictional island.

Look for a cameo by Kevin Sorbo, who portrays Pieter Jacksen, Tauriel’s curiously named love interest, whose existence as a plot device satisfies the fantasy world’s minimum requirement for gratuitous sexism.

 

Name That Dwarf!

AFTER three years, it’s still pretty much impossible to memorize the names of all 13 dwarves in Bilbo’s company, never mind tell them apart.

This weekly game show will give contestants a chance to actually name those dwarves as well as others, including Snow White’s companions and the glowing remains of supernovae known as red dwarfs.

I mean, who can tell Ross 248 from Ross 128? I know I can’t. They’re only 0.6 light years apart and their solar masses are fairly similar.

This annoying-to-watch show will be hosted by Chris Hardwick, that guy you already hate from The Talking Dead.

 

Fight Club II: The Adventures of Radagast and Saruman

AT the risk of spoiling the Battle of the Five Armies, there’s one scene where the wizard Saruman the White, played by 92-year-old Christopher Lee, gets to show off his martial arts skills.

Meanwhile, the Radagast the Brown, played by 71-year-old Sylvester McCoy, demonstrates superior driving skills at the helm of his bunny-driven sleigh.

During the century or so between the events depicted in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, the two somewhat-magical beings race around Middle-earth, looking for trouble in the mead pubs and elk stables.

When some young Gondorian punk picks a fight with these guys, they better be ready to experience the fury of a wizard tag team.

This will be shot in an octogon ring with a blue-screen background.

bartley.kives@freepress.mb.ca