New timeline for Terminator

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/06/2015 (3759 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

MOVIES

BIG RELEASE WEDNESDAY: Terminator Genisys

BIG PICTURE: “New timelines” are becoming the go-to reboot strategy for moribund franchises. Star Trek and X-Men did it. Now Terminator. (I hear Tom Cruise is even planning a “new timeline” in which he isn’t a Scientologist and never jumped on Oprah’s couch). Kind of cruel to diehard fans, though. It’s like Hollywood is saying, “Hey, remember all those ‘facts’ you’re hopelessly devoted to and debate at fan conventions? Well, that entire universe no longer exists. Sorry. Time to finally get a girlfriend, I guess.” Terminator Genysis reimagines the original’s premise that future John Connor (Jason Clarke), leader of the human resistance, sends Sgt. Kyle Reese back in time to 1984 to protect his mother from a Terminator sent by Skynet. Arnold Schwarzenegger lives up to his one-time promise: He’s back. And while his cyborg model was Sarah Connor’s foe in the original, Arnie’s a good guy in this new, fractured timeline. Alas, it looks like our future machine overlords started cutting costs on their robot models. The faded action hero looks a little worn out, like an IKEA-model Terminator that could fall apart at any moment.

FORECAST: The best reason to see this blockbuster is to watch Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones) reinvent Sarah Connor. Clarke deserves the mother of all Mother’s Day cards from sci-fi fans. Mother of Dragons and the Mother of Humanity’s Saviour from Killer Machines? Certainly my pick for World’s Greatest Mom. (Sorry, Mom).

HONOURABLE MENTION: Magic Mike XXL. Don’t expect an alternate timeline in which Magic Mike becomes an accountant. This sequel knows what fans are coming back for. Channing Tatum’s male stripper takes his G-string down from the mantle for a farewell show with his Kings of Tampa buddies. Watch them flash both skin and fine comic timing.

 

TV

BIG EVENT TUESDAY: Zoo (Tuesday, CTV/CBS, 8 p.m.)

BIG PICTURE: In this new drama, the animal kingdom strikes back. For centuries, we’ve been eating animals, domesticating them and putting them in zoos. (I can only assume turning their likeness into edible crackers was the last straw.) The improbably named Jackson Oz (James Wolk of Mad Men and The Crazy Ones) plays an unconventional biologist who notices animals have started plotting against us. When multiple species start co-ordinating vicious, cunning attacks, there’s nowhere left to hide. Can Oz figure out what’s causing Mother Nature to finally fight back before we lose our place in the food chain? Based on James Patterson’s novel, this may not be one to watch before your summer camping trip. Do you really want to risk waking up to a mass woodpecker attack? And if raccoons ever learn to work together in packs, they’ll be running our cities in no time. First order of business at city hall: no more garbage removal.

FORECAST: Zoo is like Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds meets Planet of the Apes on steroids. You thought ape rule was bad? Imagine every animal in the planet smartening up. I already lie awake at night fearing an army of hyper-intelligent rabbits. What damage could they possible do? Just ask Elmer Fudd or Yosemite Sam.

 

MUSIC

BIG RELEASE TUESDAY: Neil Young (The Monsanto Years)

BIG PICTURE: Album 36, and Neil Young isn’t getting any friendlier. He’s made an album of protest music for the 21st century. On The Monsanto Years, the longtime defender of family farmers takes on big agriculture, among other villains. Debut single Wolf Moon returns us to the whimsical, romantic sound of his 1992 single Harvest Moon, but with a heart broken by corporate greed. It’s a vintage Young acoustic number showcasing his soft scarecrow howl. (The stellar band behind him is led by Willie Nelson’s sons, Lukas and Micah.) Young also takes aim at other corporations, including Wal-Mart and Starbucks in the aptly titled A Rock Star Bucks a Coffee Shop. (What, no song about Skynet?)

FORECAST: Young keeps on rockin’ about a far-from-free world. (Am I the only one who wants to see Donald Trump elected president, if only so Neil can write an album called The Trump Years?)

Twitter: @chrislackner79