SUNDAY MORNING IN TOYLAND

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/06/2005 (7653 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Starting Lineup:

1. Did you know? That as many as 40,000 prostitutes are expected to travel to Germany to offer their, ahem, services during soccer’s World Cup next year? In fact, the city of Dortmund plans to erect drive-in wooden “sex garages” — complete with condom machines and a snack bar — to keep the ladies and their clients off the street. Interesting fact, though. While the sex trade is legal in parts of Germany, during the World Cup hookers won’t be allowed to use their hands.

2. Strange but true: Last week the Ottawa Renegades had to send home a defensive back prospect after a physical revealed the player had a gunshot wound in his arm. Daniel Jones, a 23-year-old from the mean streets of Compton, Calif., arrived at camp wearing a cast on his left arm, and X-rays revealed that the bullet had gone through the bone, the Ottawa Sun reported. Unfortunately, Jones was cut from camp. Apparently, he wasn’t the calibre of player the Renegades were looking for.

3. Moneyball: Turns out, the Bank of America has raised over $4 billion for the baseball industry over the last four seasons, assisting on the purchases of the Red Sox, Brewers and Dodgers, while also helping MLB’s Internet unit finance expansion. Funny, but we always thought the Bank of America was just another name for the New York Yankees.

4. Holy, Toledo: A woman known as “the butter lady” for her life-size butter sculptures of dairy cows wants to mold the likeness of Tiger Woods at the Iowa State Fair. “He’s going to be sitting down with a club next to him and he’s going to be scratching a live tiger, so to speak, on the head,” said Norma Lyon, 75, who lives on a farm near Toledo. Of course, Lyon’s project should not be confused with Craig Stadler, who actually is carved out of Jell-O.

5. Some things just aren’t fair. For example, last week the website Public Citizen reported that an energy bill currently under debate in the U.S. Senate contains a provision that provides hundreds of millions of dollars worth of federal loan guarantees for a proposed $2.8 billion power project to be built by four former Enron executives. How galling is that? In a related story, the New York Yankees will continue to pay the annual $13,428,571 salary of Jason Giambi.

6. Mr. Roboto: In what could be an omen, a robot threw out the first pitch prior to a game recently between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Baltimore Orioles at PNC Park. The S-3 Platform Robot’s appearance coincided with “Robotics Night” at the ball yard. Of note, the S-3 “pitcher” is described as weighing about 200 pounds and “resembles a small car,” according to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Apparently, scientists modelled the device after the body of Louis Tiant.

7. This is novel. According to AP, the Japanese government is about to provide prison labour to the public in order to deal with rising prison populations. That sounds reasonable. In fact, they should try that in North America. Hands up. Anybody else want the Portland Trail Blazers to build them a patio?

8. Meanwhile, in Chicago, about 500 participants in the Lakeshore Marathon got more pain than they bargained for, after race officials accidentally set the course for 27.2 miles, instead of the standard 26.2 miles. Obviously, the marathon took longer than expected to complete. Due to their efforts in dragging out an already grueling ordeal, the organizers responsible for the screw up have been named honorary members of the team negotiating the NHL’s collective bargaining agreement.

9. So Ontario curler Joe Frans gets suspended for two years after testing positive for cocaine at the Tim Hortons Brier. Yet Frans is stunned by the result. “I drink a lot — I’m a curler — but I don’t do drugs,” he protested in a Canadian Press story. Which begs the question: What kind of icing sugar do they put on those doughnuts, anyway? In a related story, Toyland has learned that world champion Randy Ferbey tested positive for a “dangerously high level” of Timbits.

Lightning Round:

Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, on Germany’s first cellphone-throwing championships in Bielefeld on June 25: “Event organizers, startled at first, now say it’s just ticket-buyers clamoring to get paired with Russell Crowe in the pro-am.”… George Mikan, the first NBA big man as a Minneapolis Laker, was a teddy bear off the court. But even his brother Ed, who played for the Chicago Stags, wouldn’t escape unscathed on the court. “After the game, we went to a tavern his parents owned,” former teammate Slater Martin told the Houston Chroncle. “Ed was all bruised and nicked up. He had a cut over his eye, scratches on his face. Their folks were Croatian. His mother called him Georgie. This night she said, ‘Georgie, why you beat up your brother like that?’ He said, ‘Mama, if you had been out there, I’d have beat you up, too.’ “… Beverage cart operator Nicole Kallis of Lakeside, Calif., to Golf Digest, noting how her tips from golfers total up to $350 a day: “I was told once: ‘The cart girl is every man’s fiancee before he takes a wife.'”

Quoteworthy:

“Watching Shaq try to make a free throw is like watching the president try to complete a sentence. You’re thinking: ‘Come on! You can do it! Noooooooo…’ ”

— Dave Barry, Miami Herald

“Police in South Florida plan to interrogate (Washington safety) Sean Taylor about an incident Wednesday night in which shots were fired. One of the first questions I’d ask him would be: ‘Where were you last December when Vinny Testaverde was throwing a 39-yard touchdown pass with 30 seconds left to beat the Redskins?’ ”

— Dan Daly, Washington Times

Sin Bin:

REMEMBER Texas Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco, who last year tossed a chair into the stands — bashing a fan on the nose — in Oakland last season? Well, now a judge is threatening to send the ball player to jail if Francisco pleads guilty to the misdemeanor. Francisco would also perform “a significant amount of community service,” according to the San Francisco Chronicle. The good news? Francisco would be one of the few Texans who ever plead guilty in court and not get the chair… Illinois redshirt freshman quarterback Kisan Flakes has been suspended from the team indefinitely after he was charged with marijuana possession last week. Authorities stopped Flakes for a traffic violation and allegedly discovered marijuana in the vehicle. The quarterback subsequently pleaded not guilty to a charge of possession of marijuana with intent to deliver. Regardless of the outcome, what are the odds his teammates will give him the nickname Con Flakes?

Extra Innings:

STEVE RUSHIN of Sports Illustrated, one how Henry Chadwick invented the practice of baseball scorekeeping back in the 1860s: “He numbered the positions 1 through 9 and decided the letter K was more memorable than the letter S in the word ‘strike,’ which is why Roger Clemens’s sons are not named Stew, Stan, Sven and Spud.”… Chris Stevenson of the Ottawa Sun: “Not everybody played nice during Memorial Cup week. The buzz is a couple of current NHLers had a little tiff at a nightspot which attracted the attention of several other patrons. One witness said it was a Tie.”… Stampeders linebacker Scott Coe, to the Calgary Herald, on the personality traits of teammate and former Blue Bomber Brian Clark: “He’s a car salesman now. He’ll sell a lady in white gloves a purple popsicle.”… And, finally, Jim Armstrong, of AOL.com, on the mysteries of the sports world. “Like, for example, how the Yankees can be in fourth place with a payroll higher than Keith Richards on New Year’s Eve?”