My knack for missing history

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/11/2016 (3417 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It seems I have a special gift for missing opportunities to witness history unfolding before my eyes.

Last week, for instance, as the Chicago Cubs slugged their way to their first World Series title in 108 years, there I was, tucked in bed, flipping through another thriller novel featuring fictional hero Joe Pickett, a Wyoming game warden who, when he’s not checking hunting or fishing licences, is blowing up murder-for-hire syndicates run by evil billionaires from their secret hunting-lodge lairs.

The next night, as our beloved Jets staged yet another dramatic third-period comeback, I was happily snoring in my bedroom.

All those years ago, when the horrors of 9/11 were playing out on TV screens around the globe, I was once again under my covers, savouring sleep the way normal people gnaw on a juicy steak.

And on Tuesday night, while bombastic billionaire Donald Trump was stampeding to a historic upset victory over Hillary Clinton, where was I? As you have already deduced, I was sacked out in bed, oblivious to the momentous events that had other folks glued to their screens.

When I went to bed Tuesday night, the universe seemed to be unfolding as it should.

When I rolled out of bed Wednesday morning, the rug had been pulled out from under our collective feet and the world hand plunged down the metaphorical rabbit hole, so to speak.

Fortunately, while I didn’t watch the Trump Train roll on to victory, I did see it coming in the sense I wrote several deeply insightful columns months ago wherein I predicted he and his trademark comb-over would win their way to the White House.

Ha ha ha! I am, of course, lying. Like most members of the corrupt, biased media, I wrote columns wherein I stated, and I will quote myself directly here, “Trump is going down in flames.”

Not that we corrupt media persons and evil pollsters got everything wrong. No, we were spot-on about the big stuff — such as when the election was being held and who was running — but we were slightly off the mark when it comes to the small stuff, such as who was going to win.

In the end, it turns out Trump was elected by a system that, as he repeatedly warned us, was “rigged, totally rigged!” So maybe we should have paid a bit more attention.

How did this historic upset happen? Well, from the bottom of my heart, I’d like to say this: How the (bad word) would I know? The only thing that sort of makes sense is that gobs of unhappy people who voted for U.S. President Barack Obama the last time around pulled a switcheroo and voted for Trump in this election, even though he is the anti-Obama.

Seriously, where Obama’s platform was for hope and change for the future, Trump said he hoped to change everything Obama stood for, so he had that going for him.

During the campaign, Trump was called a lot of things: sexist, racist, misogynist, xenophobe, megalomaniac and bully. It won’t be long before we’re calling him something even more terrifying — Mr. President! Not that I want to dwell on the negative.

How should we feel about this new political landscape? Personally, I think a lot of us are going to feel like it’s our first day on a new job and we’ve just discovered our boss is that overbearing jerk from high school who used to dunk our head in the toilet just because we belonged to the chess club.

More importantly, what do all of us corrupt, biased Winnipeggers do now to pull ourselves out of the doldrums and find a way to be happy in a world dominated by the soon-to-be-president Trump?

It’s simple — we dress up like baked potatoes and head downtown today for the 107th edition of the city’s Santa Claus Parade, which kicks off at 5 p.m., although you’ll want to get there early because the forecast high is for an unseasonable 16 C, meaning there will be thousands and thousands of people lining the route.

Speaking of the route, it once again kicks off at Portage Avenue and Young Street, then rolls east before it wraps up a little more than 60 minutes later at Main Street and William Stephenson Way. As always, don’t forget to bring a tin for the bin and a new unwrapped toy for the Christmas Cheer Board. Canada Post elves will be collecting your letters to Santa along the way.

Jackie Britton, one of the key organizers, told me the parade is the perfect antidote for anyone fretting over the results of the U.S. election. She also promised me there would be penguins, although that may not seem important in the bigger political picture.

What is important is that, for the sixth straight year, Uncle Doug will be on the expert judging panel for the parade. You’ll find me and my co-judges — Energy 106 personality Steve Adams and Global News reporter/anchor Brittany Greenslade — stretched out in a heated bus shelter this evening in front of The Bay.

Feel free to swing by our shelter and say hello. You’ll probably have to pound on the glass pretty hard, because chances are I’ll be asleep. It’s my special gift.

 

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca