Film a necessary evil

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/01/2017 (3524 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Movies

BIG RELEASES FRIDAY: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, A Dog’s Purpose

BIG PICTURE: In the conclusion to the Resident Evil saga, Alice is still battling the dastardly Umbrella Corporation. (I predict a big-reveal ending where we meet CEO Mary Poppins), and Milla Jovovich is still earning a paycheque. (Frankly, it’s nice to see some stability in a world that just got Trumped.) The battle-hardened Alice returns to ground zero (the appropriately named Raccoon City) of the apocalyptic viral outbreak that created zombies, mutations and varied Sauron army knockoffs. Alice has had to blow such vile creatures to smithereens — or slice to them to pieces — since the 2002 franchise debut. Watching a Resident Evil film is like a lazy man’s experience of playing the video games that inspired them. As for the plot, Alice occasionally stops killing and running to say things such as, “Is that all you got? Because if it is, I’m going to have to kill you.” She also does a lot of reckless, cool things on a motorcycle. This weekend, Vin Diesel is revving his two-wheeler in another XXX movie, and now it’s Jovovich? Motorcycles are clearly the hip mode of transportation at the moment. (That sound you hear is our prime minister doing wheelies on Parliament Hill immediately after reading this. Hurry, he’s waiting for your smartphone cameras.) Meanwhile, A Dog’s Purpose proves all dogs don’t go to heaven — they get reincarnated again and again as canines to make new best friends. Based on the bestselling novel by W. Bruce Cameron, it’s like Lassie meets Benji meets Cloud Atlas. As the lead doggy do-over explains: “If I can get you licking and loving, I have my purpose.” (Mental note: never repeat that quote out loud in public.) The canine inner dialogue is voiced by Josh Gad as varied pet owners are taught the meaning of life and the meaning behind chasing a Frisbee. Dennis Quaid plays a craggy, sour-faced dude who meets his reincarnated childhood puppy. (Be advised, an Ottawa animal rights group has filed complaints after video surfaced last week showing a pooch being forced into turbulent water on the movie’s Manitoba set.)

FORECAST: A Dog’s Purpose will inspire imitators. I’m hoping for A Sloth’s Purpose, in which a sloth is reincarnated many times to make it down the same tree branch. But is it the Cujo lover in me that would have preferred a horror movie called Resident Evil: A Dog’s Purpose?

TV

BIG EVENTS: Cardinal (Wednesday, 9 p.m., CTV), Riverdale (Friday, Netflix)

BIG PICTURE: A Canadian miniseries based on Giles Blunt’s popular novels, Cardinal gives a whole new meaning to cold case. Set in a frigid northern Ontario town, it starts with the grisly discovery of a 13-year-old girl. Cardinal stars Billy Campbell (The Killing) as your prototypical dysfunctional detective haunted by dark issues, secrets and an unsolved case. Can he hunt a vicious serial killer from his past while making up for the mistakes that stalled his career, and deal with an untrustworthy new partner? Will he ever take off his parka? So many mysteries to unravel. Meanwhile, the CW teenage drama Riverdale (available in Canada on Netflix, with a new episode each week) reinvents the Archie (K.J. Apa) you know and love. This subversive take on the 75-year-old comic is Dawson’s Creek meets Twin Peaks meets Bates Motel meets CW’s usual merry — and occasionally murderous — band of hormonal teens. Betty, Veronica and Jughead are all here, too. And Archie is having way more sex than he ever did in those millions of comic panels. The best part of this series is the presence of Luke Perry (Beverly Hills 90210’s Dylan McKay) as Archie’s dad. It’s perfect casting. After Dylan’s Brenda-Kelly love triangle, who better than Perry to coach his son on the perils of not being able to choose between a blond and brunette?

FORECAST: Riverdale will continue the healthy flow of TV comic adaptations. As for Cardinal, Hollywood loves a copycat. I am already penning my novel, Chickadee, about a veteran cop with shady secrets and “serious” issues named Jack Chickadee. (See you in court, Giles).

Music

BIG RELEASES FRIDAY: Japandroids (Near to the Wild Heart of Life), Train (A Girl a Bottle a Boat)

BIG PICTURE: Not only are the Japandroids one of Canada’s best bands, the Vancouver duo’s name sounds like something that should be waging war — and winning — against Michael Bay’s dreaded (by me) Transformers. On their third full-length album, the band releases their long-awaited sequel to the 2012 breakthrough Celebration Rock. Deftly combining punk and classic rock elements, the Japandroids are reason to get patriotic. Meanwhile, San Francisco’s Train arrives on time with an album title clearly crafted during a lacklustre game of Scrabble. The debut single, Play That Song, borrows heavily from the classic tune Heart and Soul. Guess this group still beg “to be adored.”

FORECAST: Japandroids will win over more hearts and minds. We’ll let Resident Evil’s Alice worry about the souls.

HONOURABLE MENTION: Bell Biv DeVoe (Three Stripes =). After a 15-year break, this ‘90s R&B group attempts another comeback, this time with nonsense equations. Sorry to bring them up, and I apologize in advance for the song Poison being stuck on repeat in your brain. “It’s driving me out of my mind / That’s why it’s hard for me to find / Can’t get it outta my head.” Good luck.

Twitter: @chrislackner79