Bacon-flavoured delights… and a few frights, too

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/04/2017 (3399 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Wake up the kids and alert the neighbours, because I’ve decided to write yet another entertaining and informative column about my love of all things bacon.

I feel compelled to do this today because it’s been months since I’ve received any outraged emails from vegetarians making the central point that I am an insensitive jerk.

Speaking about me being an insensitive jerk, while vegetarians have been ignoring me, I have been flooded with email from Saskatchewan Roughriders fans, who are in a serious snit over a recent column wherein I complained about Greenery being selected as the Colour of the Year for 2017 on the grounds it will make it harder to tell the difference between Riders fans and “normal” people.

But that is not today’s culinary point. Today’s culinary point is I need to write another column about everyone’s favourite breakfast food because I have just finished conducting a scientific taste test of two bacon-flavoured products you will think I made up, even though they could not be more real.

By way of background, I should point out it is not at all unusual for people to give me bacon-related gifts because I have become so synonymous with these sizzling strips of porky goodness that random strangers will approach me in public and ask: “Hey, aren’t you that bacon guy?”

The proudest moment of my life came when, after hosting the Manitoba Pork Council’s gala dinner, I was presented with a suitcase-sized cardboard box packed with roughly 30 pounds of heart-stoppingly delicious bacon.

The point is, there I was the other night at the home of my buddy Bob, who also happens to be the publisher of this newspaper, when our dear friend Pam Greenlay popped over for a glass of wine and gently handed me a thoughtful gift.

“When I saw it, I couldn’t help but think of you,” Pam chirped, a huge smile splitting her face.

This special gift was — prepare to be extremely jealous — a package of new Kraft Singles Bold Bacon-Flavoured thick-cut processed cheese slices, which Pam had apparently stumbled on while patrolling the aisles at Walmart.

That’s when I bravely decided to conduct a taste test of these bacon-flavoured cheese slices in concert with another gift Pam and her husband, Scott, had presented me with in honour of my 60th birthday — a six-pack of Lester’s Fixins Bacon Soda.

As I write these words, I have just finished consuming both of these bacon-intensive products and, as far as I can tell, I am not exhibiting any of the major symptoms of imminent death, such as cheering for the Saskatchewan Roughriders or suddenly wanting to read the collected works of Donald Trump.

Let’s start with the Kraft bacon-cheese slices. When I cracked open the package, my nostrils were struck with an intense peppery aroma that was not unpleasant, though it didn’t really remind me of bacon.

Considering April is National Grilled Cheese Month — go ahead and Google it — I decided the best way to test these bacon-cheese slices was to grill them up between a couple of slices of bread to make what I have always considered to be The King of All Sandwiches.

I also sampled a slice of the cheese in its raw state, and again it seemed a bit more peppery than bacon-y. The texture was the classic waxiness associated with processed cheese, which I think is wonderful because, when it melts, it becomes a gooey mass of heavenly goodness, regardless of what my wife says.

Here is my heartfelt review of the grilled bacon-flavoured cheese sandwich: Yum! If any match is made in heaven, it has to be bacon and processed cheese.

This is no mere lunchtime treat. No, this is a sandwich you would consider leaving your spouse for. It is comfort and hope and joy served up between two slices of generously buttered, lightly browned bread, the ultimate combination of crispy and gooey and bacon-y in one carb-heavy, soul-satisfying, heart-stopping sandwich. So, two thumbs up.

Now we need to move on to the Bacon Soda, a meaty soft drink produced in California under the name Lester’s Fixins by a company called Rocket Fizz, a franchise of candy stores. I’ve had the six-pack of bacon sodas for months, but had not screwed up the courage to try one until now.

It seemed to me that bacon-flavoured soda was the perfect choice for washing down a bacon-flavoured grilled cheese sandwich. Ha ha ha! It turns out — as any Riders fan can tell you — I am an idiot.

Here is my unbiased review of the bacon soda pop: Yikes! OK, it has a slightly pink hue to it, a pungent bouquet like a cross between cream soda, hair tonic and bacon grease, and it tastes the way you would imagine an overheated car tire would taste if you could liquefy it, add a ton of sugar, then pour it into a bottle. Otherwise, it’s not bad.

But you don’t have to take my word for it. Here’s a review from the Soda Jerks website: “Ever given your dog Beggin’ Strips, the bacon-flavoured dog treat?… Lester’s Fixins Bacon Soda is liquid Beggin’ Strips with a bit more sugar.”

I have a lot more scientific thoughts on both of these culinary delights, but my wife will be home soon and I need to freshen up with a splash of Bacon-Flavoured mouthwash.

My wife hates it, but it drives the dogs crazy.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca