Man Flu: no figment of my whiny imagination

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/12/2017 (3137 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I am pleased as holiday punch to announce that I have a brand new hero.

His name is Dr. Kyle Sue, but that will probably mean nothing to many readers, especially those who, for the purposes of today’s column, we will refer to as “women.”

Dr. Sue is an assistant professor of family medicine at Memorial University of Newfoundland, but that is not why I have decided to take a photograph of him out into the wilderness and build a manly cult based around worshipping this genius.

No, I have decided to add Dr. Sue to my pantheon of personal heroes because he is the author of a study that has generated headlines around the world since it was published last week in the BMJ medical journal.

For those of you have been living in a cave for the past month, Sue’s brilliant study proved (at least in my eyes) that guys like me are not exaggerating when we inform our spouses that we are at death’s door due to a tragic case of the “Man Flu.”

While I am not currently an accredited scientist, I do own a plastic pocket protector and I know Sue’s findings are correct based on three key reasons:

— I am a guy;

— I am currently in the grips of a terrifying bout of the Killer Man Cold/Flu From Hell, wherein I have to use toothpicks to prop my eyelids open, my teeth and hair hurt too much to brush, and I do not have enough energy left to operate the TV remote control without resorting to Jedi mind-control powers;

— My wife doesn’t believe I am sick and (you will not believe this next bit) thinks I should get my (expletive deleted) off the couch in the den and get my own (bad word) glass of orange juice, if you can believe it.

Anyway, in what is thought to be the first study of its kind, Sue’s research suggests that men really do experience worse symptoms than women when they are stricken by a severe cold or flu.

Based on the parts of the study that I believe I understood, Sue analyzed relevant research and found evidence that adult men have a higher risk of hospital admission and higher rates of influenza-associated deaths compared with women, regardless of underlying disease.

It apparently goes back to caveman times in that men have always had weaker immune systems, making them more susceptible to complications from colds and the flu. Dr. Sue’s study suggests testosterone may be to blame for suppressing men’s immune stystems, while a female sex hormone boosts women’s.

“Men may not be exaggerating symptoms but have weaker immune responses to viral respiratory viruses, leading to greater morbidity and mortality than seen in women,” the researcher wrote in the BMJ journal.

He even sees an upside to our manly lack of immunity.

“Lying on the couch, not getting out of bed or receiving assistance with activities of daily living could also be evolutionary behaviours that protect against predators,” Dr. Sue told the media.

“Perhaps now is the time for male-friendly spaces, equipped with enormous televisions and reclining chairs, to be set up where men can recover from the debilitating effects of Man Flu in safety and comfort.”

And you wonder why I think this guy’s a hero? I think it is high time that modern science, in the form of a guy scientist, had the courage to stand up and shout to the heavens what every guy in the world already knows — Man Flu is for real!

At this point, I am going to step away from the computer and allow my wife to present an alternative point of view.

Doug’s wife, She Who Must Not Be Named: “Seriously? You think Man Flu is a real thing? The only thing that is true is that guys like you become snivelling puddles of goo when you feel the first sneeze coming on. Women are tougher. We can’t afford to turn into babies whenever we get a cold. So suck it up, Buttercup!”

I do not wish to disagree with my wife in a public forum (because I’m really hoping she’ll bring me a cold facecloth) but anyone who has watched TV commercials for the past 40 years knows women do not suffer the same sort of devastating cold symptoms as men do.

For instance, I have personally watched commercials wherein women, who supposedly have a bad cold, are still actively engaged in things like skydiving, driving race cars, scuba diving, attending gala parties and providing care to squawling children while simultaneously doing the family taxes on their smartphones.

Sure I personally am reduced to little more than a moaning infant when I get the Man Flu — “Honey, will you rub my forehead, say ‘there, there’ and tell me I’m a ‘precious little bunny?’ “ — but the point is it’s not my fault.

It all comes down to biology. I’m a man, and as we’ve just seen, that makes me the innocent victim of man-specific microbes. Dr. Sue points out a weaker immune system has allowed guys of my gender to invest their energy in other biological processes, “such as growth, secondary sex characteristics and reproduction.”

Which, if I understand him correctly, means that without the Man Flu we probably wouldn’t have oversexed secret agent James Bond, who also happens to be one of my guy heroes.

So on behalf of all guys of my gender, Dr. Sue, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are now right up there with the rest of my idols, heroic guys such as Santa Claus, Spider-Man and the leprechaun from the Lucky Charms commercials.

Now if you wouldn’t mind, please bring me a cold glass of orange juice and some toast. I’m not whining; I’m just proving a scientific fact.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca