Can glow-in-the-dark dogs find your slippers at night?

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/06/2009 (6146 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I’m the sort of guy who is willing to listen to both sides of an issue, even when I’m right and my wife is completely wrong.

But today I am going to draw a line in the sand and take a bold and courageous stand. The stand I have decided to take is: This has to stop! And by “this” I am referring to the current worldwide trend in which scientists take genetic material from one animal and stick it into another animal because — and you will have already seen this coming — it gives the second animal the ability to glow in the dark.

You will think I am kidding about this major scientific trend, but, sadly, I am not. I first became aware of it about three years ago when I wrote an insightful column announcing that Canada had lost the race to develop the world’s first glow-in-the-dark pig.

In that case, Taiwanese researchers extracted genetic material from jellyfish and injected it into pig embryos, thereby genetically engineering pigs that glow fluorescent green in the dark.

Why did they do this? Well, at the time, the Taiwanese scientists said green porkers represent a breakthrough in the study of human diseases. Sounds reasonable, eh?

First scientist: “Look, I made a pig that glows in the dark!”

Second scientist: “Why?”

First scientist: “Ummm….”

Second scientist: “If anyone asks, just say it will help cure human diseases.”

Initially, to be honest, I thought fluorescent pigs were a pretty sweet invention, because they’d make great Christmas lights, Halloween decorations, patio lanterns and runway markers.

But I realize now that I was a fool. Since these pigs were first unveiled, scientists have come up with an entire Noah’s Ark of glow-in-the-dark critters, including mice, cats and monkeys.

But the final straw came last week when I read an Associated Press article sporting the alarming headline: South Korean Scientists Clone Glowing Dogs.

According to this story, researchers at South Korea’s Gyeongsang National University took fluorescent genes from sea anemones and inserted them into the skin cells of a beagle, thereby producing — as you have no doubt already guessed — a beagle that lives in the ocean.

Sorry, just a little genetic-engineering humour. In fact, what they created is a litter of four baby beagles that glow red under ultraviolet light. Is that a wonderful scientific development, or what? Here’s a hint: NO IT IS NOT! Seriously, glow-in-the-dark beagles are NOT going to make the world a better place in which to live.

No one sits around thinking: “Gee, I’d really like to buy a beagle puppy for the kids, but they don’t glow in the dark, so I think I’ll get them flashlights instead!”

If we are going to give beagles a new quality, why the heck would it be the ability to glow in the dark? As a dog lover, I think it would be better to give beagles the quality of not being mindless, shoe-eating, incessantly barking, potentially satanic lunatics.

Not that I have anything against beagles. I love beagles. A few years ago, my wife and I agreed to look after two beagles — their names were Bailey and Beasley but we quickly dubbed them “The Devil Beagles From Hell” — when their owners had to go out of town.

In two days, The Devil Beagles from Hell terrorized us, capping our time together by shattering a glass coffee table into a million pieces and, while I cleaned up the mess, pooping in my shoes.

I’m trying to imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if Bailey and Beasley were able to work under cover of night because they glow in the (bad word) dark.

The point I’m making is that fluorescence is not a quality we dog owners are looking for in a pet. If we are going to monkey with canine genetic makeup, why not create:

1) Dogs that, in addition to fetching the newspaper, shovel your driveway while they’re at it;

2) Dogs that, even if they have eaten the remains of a dead squirrel and the contents of your bathroom waste container, would NEVER throw up on your living room carpet, even if terrorists were pointing guns at their heads;

3) Dogs that put their “licences” to practical use by driving you to work;

4) Dogs that not only do your taxes but take the rap for you if they make a mistake;

5) Dogs that greet you by firmly shaking paws as opposed to planting their noses deeply in your “personal region.”

There are many more swell dogs science could invent, but I’m out of space. Sorry if I’ve offended anyone, but on the long and winding road to a brighter future, it will not be a beagle that lights the way.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca