Love is in the air (over Brandon, apparently)

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/02/2018 (3087 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

With Valentine’s Day bearing down on us like the hot kiss at the end of a wet fist — OK, even I have no idea what that means — it’s time to spend several valuable minutes thinking about romance.

I personally began devoting my mental energy to this heartfelt topic the other day, when my buddy Bob, who also happens to be my boss, sent me an email containing a romance-intensive news story.

Before you jump to horrific conclusions, allow me to tell you that the news story Bob sent me stated — and you might want to sit down before you read this next bit — that Brandon is the most romantic city in Manitoba.

I should point out, this was not just Bob’s opinion — although I suspect he comes close to swooning whenever he daydreams about the Wheat City.

No, this was the scientific opinion of the people at Amazon Canada, the largest shopping retailer on the internet, which has released its list of the 20 most romantic cities in Canada every year since 2009.

What you need to know — and prepare to become righteously indignant — is that not a single (bad word) city from Manitoba cracked Amazon’s top 20.

It was the same sad story for cities in New Brunswick, Newfoundland and Labrador, Prince Edward Island and that hotbed of true-north romance, Saskatchewan.

Out of the kindness of its overly large heart, however, the e-commerce giant did throw us a bone, in the sense that it identified the top cities in the less-romantic provinces, namely Brandon, Fredericton, N.B., St. John’s, N.L., Charlottetown, P.E.I., and Prince Albert, Sask.

So, there you go, Friendly Manitobans, Brandon is officially the most romantic city in one of the least-romantic provinces in Confederation.

Is that a backhanded compliment, or what?

Now that I think about it, it’s kind of like being named the smartest person in Sault Ste. Marie, not that I have anything against the Soo, especially the Canadian Bushplane Heritage Centre.

You know what separates Brandon from other cities in Canada, romantically speaking? I will tell you. What separates Brandon is the fact it has its very own romantic love poem, which I have just made up and goes like this:

“Roses are red/Violets are blue/Brandon is romantic/And so is Waterloo!”

You probably think I threw Waterloo into the poem simply because it rhymes with blue, right?

Well, you are horribly wrong.

I threw it in because, according to Amazon, Waterloo is the 12th most romantic city in the country.

Seriously, Amazon?

I do not wish to receive hundreds of angry letters from Ontario, but other than being located near saucy Kitchener, there is nothing overtly romantic about Waterloo.

Scientifically speaking, the online retailer’s list is compiled based on sales of romance novels (both printed and Kindle editions), romantic comedies, relationship books, jewelry and, I will quote them directly, “sexual-wellness products.”

Across Canada, Amazon’s most popular romance orders include the books The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, and the romantic comedy Pretty Woman starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts.

What does that mean? It means even when it comes to romance, we Canadians find a way to make it just a little bit boring.

Speaking of sex, when my buddy Bob informed me that Brandon was Manitoba’s most romantic city, I made some quip about not realizing how sexy that city was, which is when Bob politely informed me there is a big difference between sexy and romantic.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (especially when we are speaking about sex and romance, if you catch my inappropriate drift), but I am well aware of the difference.

Off the top of my head, I believe sexy has more to do with things such as leather pyjamas and industrial-sized tubs of vegetable oil, whereas romance has more to do with heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, flowers and Hallmark cards, although not the ones that make farting noises that guys of my gender find hilarious.

You know who was not surprised to hear Brandon is Manitoba’s romance capital? My wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, was not in the least surprised, most likely because she was born and raised in Manitoba’s second-largest city.

When I asked my spouse what made Brandon so (bad word) romantic, she smiled coyly and replied: “I had my first kiss in a baseball dugout in Brandon. It’s a very romantic city. It’s the Paris of the Prairies. It’s romantic to park up on the North Hill at night and look down on the lights of the city; the North Hill is a much larger hill than Winnipeg’s Garbage Hill.”

At this point, I would like to warn young husbands that, if your beloved spouse informs you that she received her first kiss in a baseball dugout, you definitely should not make any wisecracks about “getting to first base” unless you want to spend Valentine’s Day sleeping on the couch in the den, if you catch the thrust of my gist, so to speak.

It has just occurred to me that I have not told you which Canadian city was ranked as the most romantic.

Brace yourselves for another shock, because for the sixth year in a row, that spicy honour went to Victoria.

I don’t want to complain, but I have visited the B.C. capital every year for the past 20-odd years and, while I enjoy the fish and chips, I do not find anything romantic about a city where the vast majority of the population eats dinner before 4 p.m., cannot tell when a traffic light has turned green, and constantly complains “they don’t play anything good on the radio anymore.”

So we didn’t make the romantic list this year, Winnipeg, but don’t despair. We should get together and console each other.

I’ll be the one sitting by himself in a baseball dugout holding a VHS copy of Pretty Woman.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca