Ranting for a reason

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/03/2018 (3049 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I am going to rant.

That’s not to say I am going to use today’s column to launch into a wild, impassioned diatribe wherein I pontificate and bluster on about some obscure and tedious topic, such as U.S. President Donald Trump’s hairstyle.

No, what I mean is on Thursday night at the Park Theatre, I am going to hit the stage and vent my (bad word) spleen for a worthy cause.

For reasons known only to themselves, the Winnipeg chapter of Grands ’n’ More has invited me to be one of eight celebrity “ranters” at their inaugural It’s OK to Rant! fundraising evening, which kicks off at 7 p.m.

(Tickets are $20 and are available by calling 204-793-5464 or emailing grandsnmore@gmail.com).

Fortunately for the audience, I will not be the only one babbling away about the topic of my choice. Guest ranters include the brilliant Winnipeg comic Lara Rae; legendary children’s entertainer Al Simmons; community activist Sel Burrows; Shahina Siddiqui, the founder and executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association; and student debaters Kirsten Kruse and Janine Brown.

Also, Stephen Lewis, former Ontario NDP leader and one-time Canadian ambassador to the United Nations, will deliver a special guest rant via video.

For a mere $10 donation, audience members will have a chance to spill their guts in a three-minute rant of their own.

You would think that, what with being a middle-aged, overweight newspaper columnist, I would be an expert when it comes to the area of delivering bombastic rants about vital issues of the day, but you would be wrong.

As my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, can readily attest, my rants tend to focus more on mundane issues that surface in the general area of my house.

For example, here is a pithy rant I delivered to my spouse over the weekend when I experienced difficulties while attempting to make a nutritious sandwich just before the start of the 90th Academy Awards: “Sweetheart, where’s the (bad word) mustard? I can’t make a (bad word) sandwich without the (bad word) mustard! Why do you always have to hide the mustard? OK, never mind, it’s beside the ketchup. What a stupid place to put the mustard!”

Do not get me wrong, however. My ability to rant is not restricted to lengthy tirades over the misappropriation of important condiments. I am also able to fulminate in a loud manner when experiencing a crisis in our den, as we see from the following transcript: “Sweetheart, where’s the (bad word) remote control for the TV? I can’t watch sports highlights on our big-screen TV without the (bad word) remote control! Am I supposed to use my Jedi mind-control powers to change the (bad word) channel? Why do you always misplace the remote control? OK, never mind, it slipped between the cushions on the couch. Hey, could you make me a sandwich with extra mustard?”

The point I am trying to make is that I am not a natural when it comes to rants, which is why I called one of the organizers of Thursday’s event to ask some probing questions.

The first thing Judy Schwartz, co-chair of the local chapter of Grands ’n’ More, did was explain the rant night is an important fundraiser for the Stephen Lewis Foundation’s Grandmothers to Grandmothers campaign, which helps grandmothers in sub-Saharan Africa who are raising millions of children orphaned by the AIDS pandemic. Canadians have raised about $24 million for the cause since 2006.

“The AIDS epidemic killed millions and millions of people and there’s all these children that are orphaned now,” Judy told me. “There’s all these kids who don’t have parents, so their grandmothers have stepped up to the plate. The fundraising campaign) helps the grandmothers feed the children, send them to school, provide clothing, start businesses — whatever the community wants.”

A mother to three, grandmother to five and great-grandmother to one, Judy feels a special connection to the plight of African grandmothers. “You do feel a connection with other grandmothers going through this,” she said. “A whole generation is missing. These grandmothers are raising the next generation.”

Given my poor sense of timing, this was when I pointed out to Judy that I do not have a clue about what I should rant about when I step on the stage Thursday evening.

Which is when Judy laid out the rules for the evening: “We have a rant policy: keep it clean and keep it respectful, just basic common courtesy. No foul language and no politics.”

I pondered this.

“No foul language and no politics?” I grunted. “So you wouldn’t be inviting Donald Trump to take part?”

Judy graciously laughed.

“Ah, no,” she said. “Would you (invite Trump)?”

I bravely chortled.

“No,” I replied. “Whenever I write about Trump, I am deluged with angry emails from Trump supporters making the central point that I am a left-wing, commie, pinko idiot and, whenever they see my mugshot in the paper, they throw up a little bit in their mouths.”

Judy laughed at this and suggested I could likely make a rant just by reading aloud some of the vitriolic pro-Trump, anti-Doug emails that fill my inbox on a semi-regular basis.

When I told her I personally do not have grandchildren yet, and have been bugging my kids about that situation, she suggested that could be another excellent rant topic. “Remember, there will be kids there,” she said. “It’s going to be a family event. It’s also International Women’s Day.”

I will keep all of that in mind, Judy. But first I need to make a sandwich, assuming I can track down the (bad word) mustard.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca