Speaking in tongues

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This article was published 12/05/2018 (2734 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It’s been dubbed “Lick-gate” and, as Free Press hockey writer Jason Bell has noted, it left tongues wagging throughout the hockey-loving world.

The brouhaha began after Brad Marchand, the talented but troublesome Boston Bruins forward, licked a pair of opponents during the first two rounds of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Marchand’s tongue-related antics began when he licked Toronto Maple Leafs tough guy Leo Komarov in Game 1 of their opening-round series. Things got a bit grosser in Game 4 of the second round when Marchand laid a licking, literally, on Tampa Bay Lightning forward Ryan Callahan’s sweaty, bearded face.

It might be too much to suggest Marchand’s penchant for licking led to the Bruins being eliminated by Tampa Bay, but it certainly didn’t help, and it became a hot-button topic on social media and in NHL dressing rooms.

For its part, the NHL gave Marchand a tongue-lashing and warned of supplemental discipline if it continued.

“You want to take a shower. That was my first thought,” Jets head coach Paul Maurice said of the controversy. “I think everybody does when they see it. The willies — is that the word? Yeah, it gives me the willies.”

This week, Marchand begrudgingly acknowledged he needs to change his ways. “I’ve got to knock that s— out,” he conceded.

Sadly, if he’s true to his word, the Bruins famed agitator will never lick his way onto today’s tongue-in-cheek list of Five of the Most Famous Tongues in History:

5) The tongue twister: Singer Ariana Grande

Speaking in tongues: Since we’re already on the topic, let’s start with the most famous licking incident in recent memory. Pop superstar Ariana Grande found herself in the middle of a social media storm in July 2015 when she was caught on security cameras licking doughnuts sitting on the top shelf at a shop in southern California.

In the video, obtained by celebrity news website TMZ, the singer stealthily touches the treats with her tongue before jumping up and down, laughing. Then, when an employee approaches with a full tray of doughnuts, she turns to a male companion and says loudly, “What the f— is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.”

You will not be surprised to hear the hashtag #DonutGate went viral as the world had a field day commenting on Grande’s tongue. Grande posted an apology video on Twitter amid the social media backlash. “I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American,” she wrote. “What I said in a private moment… was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words.”

Grande went on to say she felt “very upset” about the food habits of Americans and was “frustrated” by alarming child obesity rates.

Police and health officials investigated the incident, but Grande was never charged. Her fans were quick to forgive her, but not everyone felt her apology was sincere. Tweeted actor Rob Lowe: “As my grandpa would say: ‘Yeah, sure. Pull the other leg, it plays Jingle Bells! #lame.”

The doughnut brouhaha was parodied by The Muppets, and even Grande mocked the uproar in an appearance on Saturday Night Live. It was also reported that White House concerns over the scandal cost the singer a chance at performing for Barack Obama at a gala event that September.

4) The tongue twister: Rock star Jimi Hendrix

Speaking in tongues: Jimi Hendrix was one of the greatest — if not the greatest — rock guitarists of all time. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame describes him as “arguably the greatest instrumentalist in the history of rock music.”

The guy knew how to play, but, tragically his mainstream career spanned only four years. The man behind such mega-hits as Purple Haze, Hey Joe and All Along the Watchtower rocketed to superstardom in 1966 in London when he formed his iconic band, the Jimi Hendrix Experience. Gushes Rolling Stone: “Hendrix pioneered the use of the instrument as an electronic sound source. Players before him had experimented with feedback and distortion, but Hendrix turned those effects and others into a controlled, fluid vocabulary every bit as personal as the blues with which he began.”

But it wasn’t just what he played; it was how he played. Which is where his tongue comes in. For the record, Rolling Stone magazine rates Hendrix as having the No. 10 most famous tongue in rock ’n’ roll history. (We think he should be No. 2, but we’ll get to that in a few minutes.)

There wasn’t a body part he couldn’t use to coax exotic sounds from his guitar, including that muscular organ hiding in his mouth. Says Rolling Stone: “One of the many ways Hendrix reinvented playing the electric guitar: he used his tongue. (Happily, not at the same time he used lighter fluid.)” That last comment is a reference to one of the most famous photos in rock history, one showing Hendrix setting fire to his guitar at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967.

Arguably the second-most iconic photo is one — for sale online in the form of posters and T-shirts — showing him stretching out his tongue to pluck the strings of his guitar. Notes a music page on the website of Ohio State University: “His guitar gymnastics were of particular fascination as he played passionately with his teeth, lips, tongue and a variety of body parts. Although Hendrix would dazzle audiences playing the guitar behind his back and over his head, all the while using a right-handed Fender Stratocaster held upside down and played left-handed, the showmanship in no way diminished his astonishing ability and dexterity.”

Almost 50 years after his death, he remains a pop-culture icon.

3) The tongue twister: NBA superstar Michael Jordan

Speaking in tongues: Six NBA championships. Five NBA Most Valuable Player Awards. Fourteen NBA all-star appearances. Ten scoring titles. OK, the numbers pretty much speak for themselves — Michael Jordan is the greatest player in the history of the game.

What you might not know, however, is that His Airness is also the owner of what is arguably the most famous tongue in the history of professional sports. It is almost impossible to find an iconic photo or poster of the man known as MJ without his impressive tongue dangling from his mouth as he executes some unbelievable manoeuvre in the upper stratosphere of some arena in North America.

You might say the Chicago Bulls legend and his tongue were inseparable, and not just biologically speaking.

“Michael Jordan Says A Mouthful With His Tongue,” was the headline on a 1989 story by Lewis Beale of Knight-Ridder News Service that began like this: “Some think it’s an expression of ‘in-your-face’ contempt. Others see it as a symbol of pure, childish abandon. It’s Michael Jordan’s tongue, and it is wondrous to behold… How does he avoid biting it off as he skies for a slam dunk? Where did he get the habit? Why can’t he break it?”

Well, Jordan has said he inherited the habit from his father, who used to stick out his tongue while repairing the family car in a “Jordanian form of concentration.” Or maybe he extended it to increase oxygen flow to his lungs and muscles.

Whatever, developers of the video game NBA 2K18 included the iconic tongue in their game, but had to issue a patch for a weird glitch that, according to Yahoo! Sports, made it appear as if “someone ripped Jordan’s tongue out of his mouth, ran into a blender, let a pack of Pamplona bulls stampede over it and inserted it back into his mouth.”

2) The tongue twister: Genius Albert Einstein

Speaking in tongues: It somehow seems fitting that the man who possessed the most famous brain in history should also be the owner of one of the most famous tongues.

Arguably the most iconic image of Einstein, a man who reshaped humanity’s view of the universe, a man whose name has become synonymous with genius, is the photograph wherein he sticks his tongue out at an unseen photographer. That image of a wild-haired genius and his tongue has since become a merchandising dream, adorning posters and T-shirts and coffee mugs around the world.

“The image of Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out is probably one of the most ubiquitous (and memorable) photos of the Nobel Prize-winning physicist. For decades, it has papered the walls of middle-school science classrooms and college dorm rooms,” notes livescience.com.

It was taken on March 14, 1951, when a gaggle of friends, colleagues and dignitaries gathered at Princeton University to celebrate the 72nd birthday of the Nobel Prize winner who gave us the theory of relativity and E=MC squared.

“As the event came towards it its conclusion, Dr. Frank Aydelotte, former head of the Institute for Advanced Study, and his wife offered Einstein a ride home, an offer the scientist accepted,” recounts storypick.com. “Just as he got into the car, a throng of photographers surrounded it. But the luck was on the side of UPI photographer Arthur Sasse, who, after persistent trials of persuading Einstein to smile for the camera, finally got a reaction.The exasperated scientist, who had already faked a smile several times before at the party, did something different this time. He stuck his tongue out, Sasse captured the shot, others missed it and the photograph became one of the most famous of all time.”

Einstein liked the photo so much he requested nine for personal use, one of which he signed for a reporter and was later sold at auction in 2009 for US$74,324. The signed print was again sold at auction in 2017 to an unnamed buyer for US$125,000. Now that’s genius.

1) The tongue twister: Kiss bassist Gene Simmons

Speaking in tongues: When it comes to famous tongues, the most recognizable muscular mouth organ in the world belongs to the one and only Gene Simmons, the bassist for the iconic American rock band Kiss.

Simmons and his bandmates are known for a lot of things, including shows that feature fire breathing, platform boots, exotic outfits, blood spitting, smoking guitars, levitating drum kits and more pyrotechnics than a Canada Day fireworks display, but it wouldn’t be a Kiss show without the sight of Simmons’ awe-inspiring tongue (real length unknown, though some have suggested it measures seven inches) flicking in and out of his mouth like a rock ’n’ roll serpent.

On online lists of the world’s most famous tongues — and, yes, these lists do exist — Simmons is invariably rated No. 1. Here’s what the rock Bible, Rolling Stone magazine, said of that wondrous tongue in 2015: “Kiss’s God of Thunder was so well-endowed in the mouth region, the popular rumour in the ’70s was that he had grafted a cow tongue onto his own to give him some extra length (not true, alas).”

Simmons says that he didn’t realize his tongue was extra-long until he was 13 years old, at which point he discovered that it was an asset with girls. There are also reports that, in the band’s heyday, Simmons had his trademark tongue insured for US$1 million.

You know your tongue is famous when the internet melts down because a baby calf looks just like your face in its white-and-black stage makeup. Last year, photos surfaced of a calf born in Kerriville, Texas, that looked identical to the aging rocker. The ranchers named the calf Genie in the singer’s honour. “This is real, folks!!!” Simmons tweeted.

There’s one last joke we wanted to share with you today, but right now we can’t put our tongue on it.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca