The right price for tidying up

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/10/2018 (2829 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I have always maintained that if you want something done right, you should get other people to do it for you, hopefully for free.

This is especially true of the distasteful task of housecleaning, which, on my list of things to avoid doing at all costs, rates just ahead of yard work, and just behind poking a wasp nest with a short stick.

You probably think it is not possible to have your house cleaned for free, but then again, it is entirely possible that you are an idiot.

The truth is, I felt the same way until I stumbled on an uplifting story — one that is making headlines around the world — about a homeowner in Halifax whose domicile was cleaned up in a manner that I found deeply inspiring.

According to dozens of news reports, it all started when two women hired to clean up a Halifax home arrived at an address with a vacuum cleaner and a mop in tow.

Finding the door unlocked, the women went inside and got to work, tidying the home from top to bottom.

Which is when a suspicious neighbour spotted the women, became deeply concerned, and called the homeowner, who had left the house unlocked so the neighbour could walk the owner’s dog while he was away.

So the owner called the RCMP, who went to the now spick-and-span house and discovered that it had been cleaned up as opposed to being cleaned out.

What had happened was arguably the first drive-by housecleaning in which two professional cleaners had simply done their jobs without realizing they had gone to the (oops!) wrong address.

“These ladies showed up, cleaned up, and left without knowing it was the wrong house,” Cpl. Dal Hutchinson of Halifax district RCMP told the media. “Nothing was taken. Nothing was disturbed. Just the house was cleaned up.

“They were very apologetic that they got the wrong house, so the matter has been solved and everyone’s happy. Although the house was cleaned for free, RCMP would like to take this opportunity to remind homeowners to ensure their doors are locked at all times.”

I understand the RCMP are being extremely cautious, but I have to tell you the very last thing I would do if I spotted people armed with vacuum cleaners and mops mistakenly entering my house is call the police.

Call me a genius if you must, but I would just let them knock themselves out in terms of tidying up in an illegal manner, then I would call Sweden and demand to receive at least two Nobel Prizes for figuring out a way to clean my house without ever lifting a finger.

Out of journalistic fairness, I will acknowledge there are pros and cons to consider when it comes to undertaking the cleaning of one’s own spacious abode.

On the upside, there is the remote possibility that you could become a millionaire. Consider the case of Gregorio De Santis, a Montreal man who cleaned up his house after his sister told him it was time to go through his closets and donate his old clothes.

Which is how, in the lining of an old jacket, he discovered a winning Lotto 6/49 ticket worth $1.75 million dating from last Dec. 6, according to the Montreal Gazette.

“When he went to validate his ticket, De Santis thought he had won $1,750. When he realized his win was 1,000 times greater than that, he said his heart almost stopped,” the story said.

“I would never have looked in that closet without her!” De Santis said of his clean-minded sister.

On the downside, the urge to come clean could also result in you being shot at by your otherwise loving spouse, as we see from an incident that occurred in Lakeland, Tenn., last week.

According to news reports, a local mom was taken into custody after deputies said she pulled a gun on her husband during a heated argument over — brace yourselves for a major shock — housecleaning.

It seems the couple’s kids were coming into town for fall break and, while cleaning the house, chaos erupted and a drink can was thrown at the husband, who flung it back at his spouse.

Chirped one report: “That’s when deputies said she went to the dresser and grabbed the family’s gun. Her husband ran for the door and had just closed it when a shot was reportedly fired.”

The point I am making is, housecleaning can be extremely stressful and lead to potentially lethal disputes, which is why I do everything I can to avoid it.

The system I use involves pretending to be completely incompetent whenever my spouse, She Who Must Not Be Named, asks me to get off the couch and clean something located in our home.

Not long ago, after being asked to vacuum the den, I waited for a few minutes, then hollered to my wife: “Honey, how do I get the dog’s tail out of the vacuum nozzle?”

Which is when my wife marched in, rolled her eyes to convey the concept that I had the same IQ as a house plant, and ripped the vacuum out of my sweaty hands.

I’m not suggesting you try that trick, but you might want to consider leaving your door unlocked and praying that professional cleaners with a poor sense of direction happen to wander into your neighbourhood.

The odds of that happening are probably a lot better than the chances of finding a lottery ticket worth millions tucked in the lining of that old parka hanging in the closet.

Here’s one last tidying-up tip: if the bullets start flying, try not to trip over the vacuum cleaner on your way out the door.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca